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Well, you’re not alone here. Talking about sex with their kids is one of the most terrifying things for parents! And…had you rather her learn from porn or from friends telling dirty jokes? The average age of first hard core porn exposure is 8 years old so it is never too early to start talking to your little ones about healthy sex and sexuality. The key is to bring it up in a casual way, like you’d talk about anything else. There are loads of books that can help you as well.
Well, you’re not alone here. Talking about sex with their kids is one of the most terrifying things for parents! And…had you rather her learn from porn or from friends telling dirty jokes? The average age of first hard core porn exposure is 8 years old so it is never too early to start talking to your little ones about healthy sex and sexuality. The key is to bring it up in a casual way, like you’d talk about anything else. There are loads of books that can help you as well. This one may be help This one may be helpful for your older daughter: https://www.amazon.com/Celebrate-Your-Body-Its-Changes/dp/164152166X/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=how+to+talk+about+sex+with+kids&qid=1624893108&sr=8-5 Lean into embarrassment and talk to her about sex in the same way you wish your Dad had chatted about it with you when you were 12! If you open the door to the discussion, she’ll be coming back to you when she has questions…which is far preferable than her searching for answers online.
No reason to have your wife do the heavy lifting here. ;-)
The Vaccine-Friendly Plan by Paul Thomas and Jennifer Margulis
>...a slower, evidence-based vaccine schedule that calls for only one aluminum-containing shot at a time important questions to ask about your childs first few weeks, first years, and beyond advice about how to talk to health care providers when you have concerns the risks associated with opting out of vaccinations...
Wall of text and "childs" [sic] in the original. There are glowing testimonials from Jay Gordon and Lyn Redwood. This is only not anti-vaccination by dint of the time-honored paper-thin disguises of "just asking questions" and "offering alternatives."
If you want to learn more about a good, safe vaccination schedule, I highly recommend Dr Paul Thomas's book The Vaccine-Friendly Plan
It's a lighter, more spaced out schedule than the CDC one.
There's also a 9 page pdf with a summary of the plan.
Are you aware of the "Vaccine Friendly Plan" by Dr. Paul Thomas?
It's a lighter, more spaced out schedule than the CDC's and he seems to have a much lower rate of autism among his patients than the national average.
Might be worth a look. There is a summary of his vaccine schedule here (pdf)
Your sister is lucky to have someone like you.
All parents need to read this:
Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509009/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_ZDF27VDD3JY5CFT711G1
Trust your mommy senses.
Oprah did a whole segment on this. I never knew how blind I was until I saw her chilling segment and read the below book she recommended.
Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509009/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_0T38S39DACKHXG5BFYH1
Of course! Make sure you give yourself time and space too, if things get too toxic. Being a role model should never come at the expense of sanity.
Consider reading up on Resilience. There's a fair amount of newer research out there on forming support networks and implementing self-care habits to be strong in the face of adversity, and to recover quickly when a blow hits close to home. (I purchased the highly-reviewed Queer & Transgender Resilience Workbook, and there's something to be said for even cis-gendered individuals spending time to truly understand their gender identity, but YMMV).
The thing that helps me most? Knowing that unconstructive criticism says so much more more about them and their insecurities, than it ever does about me. We're the strong ones, pursuing our dreams and leaning into the challenge of life, having experiences most only dream of.
Best of luck, can't wait to see where life takes you. 💖
Teenagers are almost never picked off on the street. You are at risk of bad things happening to you: the number one biggest risk in your life is a friend's swimming pool. Another major risk is a gun at a friend's house, or your house.
You are also at risk of being abused by an adult, and it's especially important to be on your guard because a child's abuser is almost always someone known and trusted. A parent, a friend, a coach, a pastor, a teacher, a cop.
I read Gavin de Becker to keep my kids safe. https://www.amazon.ca/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009. It changed my life. I read it for my children, but you can read it for yourself.
Bottom line: it's great that you are trying to figure out how to be safe in an unsafe world. You are an object of prey for some twisted men, and as a society we don't do enough to keep our young people safe. But the risk is not the stranger in the street. It's someone that you know. Pay attention to the grooming behaviors, their low risk approaches, figure out the adults who you can truly trust with your life are. That's how you keep yourself safe.
There are detailed answers on this but, fundamentally, our brains are quite different structurally and hormonally, it impacts how we see the world and these differences are then exacerbated culturally (similar to how we all inherently have cravings for like, fast food, for biological reasons that are no longer applicable like food scarcity, but those ancient cravings will be honed in on and triggered, which has created a very successful industry).
For a variety of reasons- many of them biological- men were initially able to take a position of social dominance, and that certainly hasn’t helped relations/mutual understanding, due to the end result of exploitation of the non-dominant class.
If you really want to dive into the brain science underpinnings of fundamental differences, I highly recommend The Male Brain and The Female Brain both by neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine. They are pretty easy reads with concrete examples.
I bought my teenage daughter a book that explains all of it in great detail. My mom was very open but there was just still a lot unknown unsaid. Cycle savvy
When you are more rested, I highly recommend that you read the book ‘Protecting the Gift’ by Gavin de Becker. De Becker talks a lot about using our intuition.
Amazon has a good summary.
You’re doing it right. So did my mom. I don’t think she was necessarily prepared for 8 y/o me to ask about the box of tampons on the bathroom counter, but kudos to her for having a frank/open/accurate discussion with me about sex and reproduction before I heard about it anywhere else. She also got me this book.
Of my 4-5 closest friends, I found that NONE of them got this talk, not even the one whose mom has 2 masters degrees in nursing & public health. We came of age in the late 90s/early 00s and nobody grew up in a weird religious household or with neglectful parents, so this is kind of crazy to me.
I got “Celebrate Your Body” for my eight year old. I remember my buddy in fourth grade got a “puberty” book and I pored over it. It isn’t body shamey and has a section on gender identity. I highly recommend it for kids close to puberty.
Also, learn the Dutch model of sex Ed.
NTA NTA NTA (who knows what myths and old wive’s tales she would’ve told your daughter!) I found 2 books very helpful for my 11yo: Celebrate Your Body (and Its Changes, Too!): The Ultimate Puberty Book for Girls (Celebrate You, 1) https://www.amazon.com/dp/164152166X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_XKDAECYEFK7HEMGQMJ9Z?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1 &
The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls, Revised Edition (American Girl Library) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1609580834/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_5V2HD15ZT3C1W9KX8QWS?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
There’s so many new options for today’s young girls that Grandmother would have no clue about, for example period panties & menstrual cups - also, the knowledge that use of tampons is OK for young girls and has no effect on “virginity” a myth I’m sure Grandma would pass on.
P.S. There’s nothing beautiful or flowery about one’s period & some young girls find their first period(s) terrifying. There’s no good to be done by some old lady making a young girl feel bad about her (girl’s) feelings if girl doesn’t feel all glow-y, blossoming-y and celebratory. Again, NTA Good job, Dad.
Please don't let your daughter learn from the internet or friends at school. No telling what idiocy she will be told, just like the "syncing up" nonsense. Hell, I watched the "for girls" videos her school presented and had to correct a few things with her. Don't trust others on this.
This book is one I went through with my kid. Pretty good. American Girl has some, too, but I thought this one was better.
You're doing a lot right. We're socialized to worry about others' feelings over our own instinct for survival, which is crazy. If you have a choice between protecting your child and hurting someone's feelings, hurt those feelings!
Recommended reading: Protecting the Gift by Gavin deBecker
I picked up a copy of this book for my daughter. It does a great job going over a ton of different subjects, is easy to understand and helps you talk about/go over everything with your child. It also has five stars on amazon (13k+ reviews) which I think is excellent, you don't run across five star products all the time. Also affordable, a paperback copy is $9
Violet Blue's Smart Girl's Guide to Privacy: Practical Tips for Staying Safe Online is good and right-thinking.
https://www.amazon.com/Smart-Girls-Guide-Privacy-Practical/dp/1593276486
The Brazilian CERT got it integrated into the Brazilian junior-high-school curriculum.
I got chills reading your post. If wifey has issues after the talk, let her read this:
Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509009/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_CD1VP17NS1J95WYHVBAH
eventually as a family yall should read this:
https://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009
from the author of The Gift of Fear for adults. every young woman needs to read this bc they're too liable to be "polite" and ignoring gut instincts in dangerous situations. if you're not sure about this book, have your wife read the adult version. if she likes it, get the above.
I’m not sure if you’ll see this, but something I’d encourage you to get a book for her about is fertility awareness. Once she has her cycles, fertility awareness will empower her to understand her fertility, monitor her own health, predict her period, regulate chances of pregnancy down the line, and more. Taking Charge of your Fertility is the classic secular FABM book and here’s a link to the teen version. It’s not my favourite in all ways, but I did read it as a teen and found it a bit helpful. https://www.amazon.ca/Cycle-Savvy-Smart-Teens-Mysteries/dp/0060829648
Beyond that, there’s whole methods with names like FEMM, sympto-thermal, Marquette, Creighton, and more. It’s something not a lot of people really know about yet but just incredibly empowering for most people who menstruate to know this about their bodies, and it’s not something I would anticipate that somebody who doesn’t menstruate would think of talking about!
I appreciate you wanting to dive in deeper.
I should have been more clear. It's testosterone vs vasopressin.
Testosterone in itself is not so much aggression as drive. Vasopressin creates distrust (particularly in other males or non-sexual interests; arousal has a counter effect to the distrust thing).
The two together create driven anti-social behavior; sometimes this comes out as violence... typically it's some form of competitiveness.
I can't preview the pages for free in this book to show you (https://www.amazon.com/Male-Brain-Breakthrough-Understanding-Think/dp/0767927540) but there's a section on vasopressin, and then a fuckload of studies referenced in the appendix.
Cycle Savvy by Toni Weschler gets it really close! (https://www.amazon.com/Cycle-Savvy-Smart-Teens-Mysteries/dp/0060829648)
I suggest pre-reading, as there is some discussion of sex and fertility and conception. It's not lurid, but it is graphic, and you'll be the best judge of whether your kid is ready for that.
My 10yo is currently in early puberty, so I borrowed this book from my niece who really got a lot from it. My daughter is yet to look at it, but after having look through it myself I thought it was bang on.
Are you aware of the "Vaccine Friendly Plan" by Dr. Paul Thomas?
It's a lighter, more spaced out schedule than the CDC's.
There is a summary of his vaccine schedule here (pdf)
I dont have much advice, but I sympathize. I cut my hair short back in highschool and hung out with a very butch girl, and enjoyed the ellen DeGeneres show, leading my parents to asking my sister ( not me ) if I was gay. Didnt hear about this till ages after I started dating my bf, but I thought it was kinda funny. Also had teacher ask me in the middle of class if I had anything I wanted to share bc I cut my hair short 🙄. Ironically a year or two later not too long after I started dating my bf I realised I was bi, and I actually find myself more attracted to women. The only advice I have is maybe look at some lgbtq resources and see what they say about explaining/ dealing with people inquiring about your sexuality. This work book has some good info so it might be useful to your situation: https://www.amazon.ca/Queer-Transgender-Resilience-Workbook-Orientation/dp/1626259461
I have absolutely been there in your position, I took on some of the most cruel hyper-masculine behaviors before I could pass in public, in a vain attempt to appear more masculine. I was quite mean to my girlfriend at the time, who was often confused for my little brother. With the help of therapy and being separated from them for over two years now, I have been able to work through these feelings of masculine inadequacy. I’ve had the opportunity to apologize for my behavior and I truly wish someone had been there to tell me that you don’t need to act any other way than your one true self. It truly does not matter what people in public think of you, their opinions are none of your business. Other people do not live inside your head, they do not live your life and therefore their opinions don’t matter.
https://www.amazon.com/Queer-Transgender-Resilience-Workbook-Orientation/dp/1626259461/ref=nodl_
Here’s a link to a workbook that my therapist got specially for me, that we’ve worked through over the past several months- I feel it might be a good tool for you. I wish you all the best.
“Fiancé is taken back and says yes absolutely this hill worth dying on.” Can you please tell your fiancé he is kick-ass almighty awesome super hero?
You did the right thing. You must always trust your gut and your daughters gut. It’s warning signs built into us to protect our kids.
Read this book. He was on Oprah and focused on cases related to this. It will give you chills as you read real cases and testimonials from parents who didn’t trust their gut.
If there’s one book any parent should read. It’s this one.
https://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=nodl_
I think that Doctor Paul Thomas's book, "The Vaccine Friendly Plan" does a great job of balancing everything, both pro and anti vax. I just read through his book last month. Short version: some vaccines should be delayed, some vaccines should be avoided completely and some should be given according to the CDC schedule. Each vaccine is a unique pharmaceutical product, and it is dumb to make blanket statements like "take all vaccines" or "don't take any vaccines". You wouldn't make a decision on whether to take Lipitor based on how Prozac or Aspirin perform, right? Dr. Thomas goes through each vaccine on the CDC's schedule for children.