The best Twelve-Step Programs books: Reddit reviews

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Remember the greatest gift you can give her is the boundaries and space to discover that she is enough on her own.

Codependent No More . This book changed my life and my approach to relationships.

She went from devout to athiest in 1 month... but claims you are her God? No, dude, this cannot and will not end well for you. Submitting in a BDSM context is a bit different than calling you her God... BDSM should be built on trust, communication and an understanding of expectations. Codependency is a terrible thing, easily confused in the space as that trust, but its terrible.
Might seem odd, but read this book to learn more. It's a classic text about what codependency is: https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

Reminds me of a book I’m reading called Codependent No More

Glad you’re focusing on self-care and what’s right for you!

If he had depression and rejects any type of way of addressing or handling it, then he is choosing this behavior. I'm sorry, maybe that's unkind or not modern thinking, but it's what I believe (and also how my therapist views it vis a vis struggles I have with my own spouse). So, I would then view your job as to determine what your boundaries are in relation to someone who chooses not to participate in your marriage or family life.

It is not at all 100% applicable, but I found the book Codependent No More very helpful for a somewhat similar dynamic. It emphasizes a few things:

1. You cannot control him, only yourself.
2. Bending over backwards to accommodate the behavior by taking on all of the workload, is a way of enabling that harms you.
3. Are there SOME areas you can assert boundaries? For example, are there things that he doesn't reciprocate such that they are essentially extra favors you do him. Doing his laundry, for example, or providing extra things for his convenience. Find ways to reduce your workload and use that extra time and energy to meet your own needs because no one else is going to.
4. Sometimes all you can do to change a dynamic is to change your own actions in that dynamic. As above, you can't make others change. But sometimes when you change your own actions to be healthier, it creates an improvement cycle that results in other changes as well. This has been my experience.

So a lot of the book is about addiction, and that may not apply. But it is a really helpful read. Take what you need from it, what benefits you, and ignore what doesn't apply. I cannot tell you how much this book changed my life (and my marriage) for the better.

Your dad acted like a jerk and it sounds like he acts like a jerk a lot. I grew up pretty damn conservative and I gotta tell you, I don't think this is because he's conservative. I think he's a jerk.

Not sure if this will apply to you at all or not, but part of disengaging from my conservative family involved learning more about codependency. I discovered that I had spent my whole life trying to make sure that others around me were happy at the expense of my own mental health and well-being. I really recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie to learn more about this. It was literally a life-changing book for me, and it might help you build some coping skills to deal with your dad.

It's great that you're already thinking about it! Don't beat yourself up - it's really, really hard to do internal/shadow work, and this is a learning experience that will help direct you towards the you that'll know you are enough and don't need to buy anyone gifts or be overly available for them to be interested, because you'll know your company is its own gift. If anything on codependence resonates with you, I highly recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Hey fellow traveler! I'm atheist so I totally feel you on the language used in the offical texts. It's one reason why I haven't grabbed any of the books yet. I'm new to ACA but have attended a few meetings so far and so can give you some resources. Firstly if you wanna attend some online meetings there are some secular zoom meetings you can attend. On the aca site you can filter meetings by "secular" and find them there. Also there are 12 step books available on amazon and other places that are made for people like us.

One that is used often in a group I've been going to is this book

Once I got the hang of secular language it was easier for me to ignore the god stuff in non-secular meetings and readings. Hope this helps!

You are doing the right thing.

"You cannot set yourself on fire to keep another person warm."

...and...

"Put on your own oxygen mask first before helping those next to you."

The hardest fucking thing in the world is letting other people experience their own choices when we've been in a position of protection, guidance, responsibility, or love for them.

It's hard even when the choices they're making are mostly good ones. It's fucking brutal when they're by all appearances trying to destroy themselves. It's maddening. It's crazy making. There is no more helpless and rage-inducing and depressive feeling.

I'm so sorry. I understand analagously by similar relationships in my life, although not exactly of course. Only you know exactly what you're going through.

For what it's worth, something that helped me was studying and learning about codependence. The codependence of watching a person who was addicted to abusive relationships, and my codependent traits in feeling the pain, guilt, and anger of wanting to help them and being unable to.

Melody Beattie wrote the classic book on it, but there are a lot of others.

Head down to the library or get happy on Amazon and start doing some reading. Therapy also helps. Disentangling ourselves from family of origin issues with love, responsibility, and grace is a lifelong process. I wish you all the best. You're already part way there by doing the right thing with your sister, even though it feels so bad.

Do you feel conflicted emotions -- loving him and resenting him at the same time, for example? Feeling hopeless, then hopeful from one moment to the next? Blaming him, but then blaming yourself?

I've experienced these back-and-forth whiplash emotions, but what's worse is the overall feeling of being trapped, like "This is my life now."

I hope you'll attend Al-Anon meetings virtually or face-to-face. Lots of healthy support in this community, because we aren't about bashing our Q (our alcoholic "qualifier"), but we're all about learning how to be self-sufficient and to care for ourselves because our Q can't care for us in a healthy manner.

It helped me to read, Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Highly recommended!

My thoughts are with you, please take care of yourself.

Agreed! I also highly recommend Codependent No More!

>Addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you, me or anyone. It’s all within themselves. There’s no schedule or time clock that you can enforce. And if you try, trust me... it backfires because we have zero control over someone else’s life. Breaking addiction takes a lot more than love, new routines or willpower.

So true! We can't control, change, or cure someone's addiction. We can only take care of ourselves and make healthy choices -- usually that means distancing ourselves from the alcoholic, even if you can only emotionally detach because it's impossible to physically leave because of economic concerns. Detaching doesn't mean you stop loving him; it just means you stop doing his worrying for him and start focusing on your own emotional health.

I suggest that you check out Al-Anon meetings and get a sponsor. You'll learn so much about addiction! You'll get your personal power back and you'll never regret it. On the other hand, continuing to stay with him and trying to orchestrate his recovery will rob you of your self-esteem and mental health, because only he has the power to change himself. Being his care-taker and worrying about his condition more than he does puts you in the unhealthy role of being codependent. (Read Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie -- it opened my eyes to what I was ignoring about myself).

I have a book I'd like you to read. It's called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It was suggested to me by my ex's therapist, when I joined him in a therapy session and ended up sobbing. It helped me see things from a different perspective and gave me strength I didn't know I had. The book drastically improved my life and it only took a few days to read. Here it is on Amazon. I was skeptical at first because:

1) I had never read a self-help book before and had honestly zero faith that it would help anything.

and,

2) The cover of the book made me defensive because it says something about controlling others.

But, read it. It all makes sense once you get into it, and I really think your situation will hugely improve if you do.

Here it is on Overdrive, you can see if it is available at your local library or even in e-book form.

Read "Co-Dependent no more"by Melody Beattie while you look for a therapist. I suggest being nice to yourself. Sign up for a yoga class or a gym membership, go to the nail salon, visit your local library. Do the things you didn't have time to do before when you were wasting it all running around trying to prop up your sig other. Enjoy your alone time by getting to know you.

Doing these things really helped me. I have learned that I like me. In fact, it's really working out. I think I'm the one I've been looking for.

I'm still working on it, but I'm much better than I used to be. When I find myself getting anxious or falling into unhealthy thought patterns about my friends, I try to keep myself as grounded in reality as possible. I do this by reminding myself, as many times as I need to, that I am feeling anxious and that the thoughts I am having are coming from a place of fear. Fear of abandonment, mostly. When I am able to identify why I'm feeling anxious, and separate that from the person I'm texting with, that helps me stay calm.

Another thing that helps me is to remind myself of this person's past behavior - so in the instance of my friend, she is a slow texter but she always gets back to me, even if it takes a while. When I start feeling those anxiety thoughts creeping into my head, I remind myself that my friend is reliable, she is a safe person, and she has a right to exist without checking her phone every 5 minutes.

Lastly, educating myself on codependent behaviors and the root cause of them has been the biggest help for me overall. Just being more aware of my behaviors and my emotions, instead of just acting out all of the time like I did before, has made me feel more in control of myself and has helped me feel more comfortable in my relationships with other people. And being honest with myself about why I feel the way I do - why I fear abandonment, or disapproval, or feel the need to be a people pleaser - has allowed me to work on my core issues, which in turn has helped reduce my codependent behaviors. I read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and had an amazing EUREKA! moment when I recognized myself in nearly every word she wrote https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

Yes, I would be concerned for your safety. Addicts, especially those on such a mild altering drug like alcohol, that can cause blackouts too, can be very unpredictable, irrational, and do things they normally wouldn't do.

Having an angry drunk who's prone to bursts of anger now having access to knives, carrying them around with them, and threatening ppl with them is not a joke. (And the whole claiming it is a joke, it's called gaslighting, which is a known manipulation tactic, especially with addicts).

It sounds like your husband needs help. You cannot get him sober. An addict needs clear boundaries, clear consequences for breaking those boundaries/keeping to them, and you need to consistently apply them.

Depending on how long he's been drinking, and how much, just stopping may kill him. He needs a medical detox.

I think you need to go. And should bring any children involved with you. You cannot do this alone, you cannot do this without support, you cannot do this without help for yourself either. You need a detox from your addict and a rehabilitation for your own experiences with this.

I definitely recommend the book, that's horribly titled, Get Your Loved One Sober

If I may recommend a helpful book to identify our own codependency issues, read “Codependent No More” by Melodie Beattie. Tremendously eye-opening and empowering!

>Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

Also, OP, if you sense that this is part of a long-term problem with feeling unable to stop yourself "helping" people (especially when those people reject your help and you find yourself resentful over it), please also look into Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie.

There’s a good 12 step Buddhist book I use - amazon link

Though one thing I have realised in my own recovery is that I started by reading all I could, but what I really needed was to form healthy relationships with like minded people- addictions for me basically were there to feel the void as I had little love for myself and deduced that if I didn’t like me, no one else would, so..... fuck it, may as well indulge.

> My only thought is that even if I do seek help for myself, I still come home to a struggling husband. His sadness is mine, his struggles are mine.

I hear you... and I want to tell you, with kindness, that it doesn't have to be that way. If you are interested in self-help books, I'd like to pass along a recommendation from my therapist, it's called Codependent No More. Don't let the part about "controlling others" throw you off, it's really about caring for yourself the way you deserve to be cared for and not letting other people's problems consume you.

I hear the fear, and your fear is valid. And I agree that your husband is too caught up in himself... so maybe it's an excellent time to work on yourself.

I don't know about getting into AA -- as everyone says, people kind of have to want to go themselves.

However, as far as getting people into treatment for alcohol use disorder, there is always an intervention!

Interventions are actually not generally super successful, a more successful thing is CRAFT (community reinforcement and family treatment).

You can find a therapist that knows about it. You can also learn about it yourself.

https://helpingfamilieshelp.com/about-craft

https://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober/dp/1592850812/ref=asc_df_1592850812/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=266076169372&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8172989352074111730&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&h...

Start working in your own recovery. Go to a family support group and learn about boundaries. Read the CRAFT book.

https://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober/dp/1592850812/ref=monarch_sidesheet

Hi-- imo you are a long way from the most effective mindset on this.
1. You cannot stop her from acting a given way. You can only choose what YOU are going to do. She has done the same thing over and over; what would it take for you to believe she is probably going to keep doing it? Is it worth hurting yourself over and over on the slight hope that she might do something different out of nowhere? Do you NEED to keep hurting yourself in order for her to have this hypothetical spontaneous change-- would that be a result of something you did, or something that would come from inside her?

1. This is not the personality type you can reason with to stop doing something because it's hurting you. They are lost in their own delusion-- so in a way they "don't understand", but they're also possibly not capable of understanding / accepting that understanding, and this goes far deeper than anything you can address at this point. It sounds like personality disordered behavior which usually goes back to childhood trauma.
   

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

r/raisedbynarcissists

You're a good person. That's why his manipulation works. You have to ruthlessly look at your situation. If your sibling was in a relationship like your, what would you recommend? I found it helpful to make a list of every incident when he's drinking/using.

Also, I can't say this loud enough - go to Al Anon. They are all about empowering your to detach from the user-abuser and stop being codependent, and stop trying to fix/control his drinking. I've found their philosophy useful in all kids of situations. The meeting are cheap (typically $5 donation). I'm sure they have online meetings.

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

“Beyond belief: Agnostic musings for 12 step life”

https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Belief-reflection-nonbelievers-freethinkers/dp/0988115700/ref=sr_1_3_nodl?crid=31HQRBIYLON7Y&dchild=1&keywords=beyond+belief+agnostic+musings+for+12+step+life&qid=1610911972&sprefix=beyond+belief+%2Cap...

Have you read "The Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous?
It doesn't particularly quote scripture, but it is a worthwhile read (IMO) (I am sober through AA)

First and most importantly, good on you for standing up for yourself, protecting yourself and your kids, and using the support that you have.

>He told me he wants me to track his phone so he can’t sneak off again.

Just want to throw out that this is a red flag for me. He's opened the door to blaming you for not being watchful enough anytime he does wrong. And he's opening the door to yelling at you and making you the bad guy when he wants to do wrong and you say something to call him out.

I highly recommend reading the book Codependent no More by Melody Beattie, which can teach you some good techniques for dealing with someone with an addiction, and preventing them from making you become over-invested in managing their addictions for them (which kind of prevents real recovery) and how to maintain your own boundaries for your own mental health. It's a popular longstanding book so pretty much every library has it in print or e-book form, and also it's cheap.

Don't caught in the "How to Stop Controlling Others" part of the title - it is NOT about calling you a control freak for asserting your boundaries or refusing to accept someone's behavior. It just gets into the fact that the responsible, healthy partner tends to slowly over time "over help" the addict which creates a really unhealthy dynamic.

I'm not coming from a place of criticizing you at all, I just don't want you to have to deal with that dynamic on top of everything else. You deserve better.

I have often contemplated that many people who end up in DBs tend to lean too heavily on external validation for their sense of self and worth. It may not apply for all, but I think it applies to a lot.

One resource I find that is particularly helpful is self validated intimacy and . I think it's actually a very useful skill to hone for anyone, but especially for anyone who wants to build and maintain a sense of worth in their relationships and develop more emotional resiliency for their own sake.

I also think you may find reading books on codependency and see how much that resonates with you. One book I find particularly good is Codependent No More. That may help you establish boundaries and learn how to self care.

Having an acid tongue and being a people-pleaser aren't genetic conditions you were born with, they are both responses within your power to control. Both are likely coping mechanisms that you picked up at some point in response to bad situations, and while they might have worked for you in the past, clearly neither is serving you anymore.

People-pleasing can can be a facet of co-dependency and there are lots of resources out there to learn to spot these behaviors and replace them with something healthier. I know people like the book Codependent No More as a resource for changing.

I also have many recommendations it's hard to know where to start or which one is more appropriate for where you are at right now. I would recommend Dr Ramini on YouTube (she specialises in narcissism, but a lot of it is helpful to understand others cruelty).

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1515079767/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1645270081&sr=8-1

This is a book by Pete walker (and I would recommend his survivor to thriver guide to navigating complex trauma- its incredible)

Also,

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=117901597876&gclid=CjwKCAiAx8KQBhAGEiwAD3EiPzV1TpZWowo1jqqLf4N-pDecdwheCY7RNUIt4yEpiS8MVpOVFFAqlBoCb1oQAvD_BwE&hvadid=498358911552&h...

This book on recovering from codependency

Don't want to overwhelm you with lots of stuff. Hope you're managing to re-center

I agree wholeheartedly that this path OP is on will only end badly. When I had an eating disorder, I only associated with people who were okay with me starving myself or saw me eating “just enough to survive” as trying.

You are enabling him in his self-destruction. There is an awesome book called Co-Dependent No More:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_a_GBMNFF5W5M0SMAQG9HGP