Reading material doesn't cause harm. Your thoughts and beliefs about it, however, may do so.
If you are coming from a Christian paradigm, you probably should not jump into occult traditions that Christians have been indoctrinated against. If symbols and images used are too different from what you are comfortable with, you won't be able to accept them, and your doubt and fear will prevent you from developing.
You can begin your studies, however, with occult teaching that is rooted in Christian symbology. For an absolute beginner, I would recommend 'Discover the Power Within You' by Eric Butterworth. It gives an occult interpretation of Jesus teaching, in a way that is very approachable for beginners especially from Christian backgrounds.
These are two that I found of value in when first learning about Unitarian Universalism.
"A Chosen Faith: An Introduction to Unitarian Universalism" by John Buehrens - This is a wonderful introduction to UU.
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"Testimony: The Transformational Power of Unitarian Universalism" by Meg Riley - This is a great collection of stories from people whose lives have been transformed by Unitarian Universalism. It gives you an appreciation for just how powerful the UU community can be.
Sounds like you may have a pretty severe case of depression. I notice someone else asked if you were seeing a therapist and you said you can't afford it. If you could figure out a way to do it I think it would really help. But if you can't then maybe you could get a book on "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" (CBT). This book can help you retrain your negative thought patterns. I participated in a group CBT and it really helped me a lot. Then maybe as you go through the book you could discuss some of the things you've learned here on r/Christianity. OR... you would be welcome to PM me with your thoughts and questions!
I wanted to be a preacher as my first plan for being grown up. I read the bible and watched all the time as the people in church would behave nothing like Jesus taught. It wasn't until I was going through a divorce that a question from a friend prompted me to question everything I believed. That was in 1998. Through a process of discovering the loving side of Christianity (it has never been mainstream), to Humanism, to Buddhism (Theravada), that found the courage to admit there is no god out there and all of religion, as practiced, is made up, in Jan 2005. I still think that there is an awareness, best described in Theravada or Zen Buddhism, of one's self (Sam Harris describes this very well). Most all people never question their conditioning, they just carry out their programming.
The question that started my journey as "is your divorce biblical?". I knew it was but went the library and on display was a book "Finding Your Religion <https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Your-Religion-Faith-Meaning/dp/0060653469>. That book referenced other books and this took me on the original message of christianity and it wasn't about blind authority. As I read the referenced books on Buddhism, this made more sense to me, as did the books on Humanism.
Thus, I am now a Humanist, Buddhist, Atheist.
I do see so much misunderstanding of Buddhism in the Atheist community. Eastern philosophy is much different from the Authoritarian Western philosophy.
This is my story.
If this line of thinking interests you, you may be interested in metaphysical christian writers. Eric Butterworth said in 'Discover the Power Within You' that Christ opened a window into consciousness, and tried to encourage others to look through the window. Instead, we adorned the window with gold and gems, and it became a cross. People still come to the window, but they worship the window and no longer seek to look through the panes; this is traditional Christianity. Metaphysical or New Thought Christianity seeks to look through the window again.
I got this book for my son when he was about that age: Meet Jesus
It did a really good job of explaining WHY people talk about Jesus the way they do, and it helped my son in these situations a lot.
I agree..."worship" is widely understood to imply something that isn't really applicable in a UU context (no matter what the "powers that be" in the UUA say about reclaiming religious terminology).
We can look over every time a Minister says "worship" or refers to "God" or "Jesus" and pretend we didn't hear when he says "prayer" or contort ourselves or define "holy" and "spirit" in a way that does not strike a discord with us...but we would be avoiding the problem, acquiescing to the recent trend of christianization of UUism with our silence. This trend tends to come from the elites in the movement, and especially many key Ministers. You can help by resisting this creeping christianity and help regain the balance that once flourished at the heart of UUism.
I second the suggestion to read "A Chosen Faith"; I started reading it after I began attending, and I love it. Very approachable text, and it helps to give you a sense of history and identity in your new found faith. I would also strongly recommend getting involved with small group ministry when you feel comfortable; this is where the majority of "theological" discussion happens. Religious Education courses are also an excellent resource to connect and learn together.
A Chosen Faith: An Introduction to Unitarian Universalism https://www.amazon.com/dp/0807016179/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_Ur8kvb0TCRM8A https://www.amazon.com/dp/0807016179/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_Ur8kvb0TCRM8A