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> What a creepy little fucker. He gave me bad vibes the minute I met him. Goes to show that your intuition about people is right sometimes.
Read it. Dead serious. It will change your perspective on your gut instincts.
Hmm, especially considering he sat right next to you immediately and asked you out the day you met, it makes me wonder if he had been watching you, put his kid up to approaching you guys and "conveniently" asking to come into your house for a drink?
Trust your gut, there are a ton of red flags here. I highly recommend you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It's a great book and teaches about how to trust your instincts and deal with potentially dangerous situations. Predators take advantage of the fact it's so ingrained in women from the time we are little girls to always be polite, they know we are afraid of hurting feelings and "causing a scene" and they thrive on that hesitation. He hasn't escalated yet but it's time to cut contact and I would also invest in a doorbell or motion camera, not just for him but for general safety, especially with a little one in the house. I like your idea of having a male friend or family member on the premises when you calmly tell him this arrangement just isn't working anymore. Make sure to document everything in the event a worst case scenario happens and you have to go to police.
For sure. He had malicious attentions from the moment you felt it inwardly it’s also called red flags.
Learn to never deny your instinct and discernment, it’s a gift wired in to help you protect yourself. This could be the difference between life or death.
DO NOT GIVE ANYONE EVER the benefit of the doubt. Especially strangers, this creep invaded your personal space. He picked you. Say something to the staff report him. Also this book
The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_9nktCb4FAKCV9
Please read it! Seriously you are young and need to learn this. Everyone should! This stuff should be taught in schools. If I had half the skills taught in it, it would have saved me a lot of headaches over the years.
In college while pursuing my degree in sociology one of my professors assigned the book Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101 it was one of the most powerful books I have ever read. It does not justify their actions but gives perspective on what it takes to make a human go down that path. It explores the societal pressures, views and violence from within. It was not an easy read by any means but it was very thought provoking.
Everyone should go and read the book This Nonviolent Stuff'll Get You Killed by Charles E. Cobb.
https://www.amazon.com/This-Nonviolent-Stuffll-Get-Killed/dp/082236123X
It's a fantastic book that lays out perfectly the necessity for firearms in self defense of Civil Rights leaders. Let's remember, they were breaking the law. The crazy gun control laws of the south were put in place to ensure that black people could not own guns. Many counties across the south required an affidavit from a white person for a black person to legally purchase a fire own. The white person had to swear that this was a responsible black person, who deserved to own a gun.
Still today, NC requires "purchase permits" to even be able to BUY a handgun. The permit is given through the sheriff's department, and must be picked up in person at the sherrif's office. It is a Jim Crow law to stop black citizens from owning hand guns.
Also, read up on Deacons for Defense and Justice. They have a fascinating history, and provided a life saving service to the people of Louisiana.
Anyway, I'll stop now, I could go on for hours.
That is a very fast and nasty escalation -- and one that could have put you in more danger of being attacked by someone else.
Please be sure to let your boss know about this right away. As you said, you can't prove it was her, but is is pretty likely that it was. It would be wise to change your schedule. Given that your boss has already had to report your Nmonster to the police, your boss will likely want to help you do that. It would also be good to get a picture of your Nmom to the appropriate security folks at work so that they know the miscreant when they see her.
Given this incident, you would be wise to consider getting more protections for yourself in place.
You may also find this book useful The Gift of Fear.
Please take this escalation seriously and get your protections in place. One of the things that happens with ACONs is that our "Normal Meters" get broken and / or seriously skewed by decades of mistreatment by our NParents. Your buddy is freaked out for a reason. The other posters here are scared for you for a reason. If your nmom has escalated this fast and this maliciously, things aren't likely to quiet down.
Sending hugs (if you want them).
Edit: word
That is insane, but you were absolutely right to listen to your fear and act on it. If you haven’t read The Gift Of Fear I highly recommend it. Your situation sounds like one he would cover. So scary
There is definitely a creep factor involved that has nothing to do with height/size. Some guys just exude it. In the book The Gift of Fear the author talks about subtle hints that your subconscious picks up on. Innocent guys just walking the path don't throw out any of those vibes, although women are wise to be cautious whenever or wherever.
When I was 17-18, I had a job at a university bookstore. There was a man who came in a lot, a professor. He liked to hang around and talk to me about books, and one day he invited me to dinner. He was at least 20 years older than me, but I was in a new city and didn't know many people, so I went.
At the restaurant, I became increasingly uneasy. I still can't put my finger exactly on why, he didn't sleaze on me, but I found myself wanting to get away from him. In the end, I picked a fight (about feminism) and stormed out of the restaurant—I even made sure I stopped and paid for everything I had eaten. I did not want to feel any obligation to him.
I avoided him after that.
He became quite famous in my country after a few books he'd written—he was a criminologist, often interviewed in the news and quoted in articles. But every time I saw his name my hackles rose—and I still could not to this day tell you exactly why. It was "just a feeling".
And he kept getting more famous... until the day, about 2 years ago, when the headlines announced he had been arrested and charged for the sexual abuse and grooming of a girl under 12.
I heard there were others, but they were historical charges and prosecutors didn't think they could get a conviction.
Absolute creep.
Moral of the story: trust your instincts. I read Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear some time after that incident and it made complete sense to me. I advise everyone, especially young women, to read it. It explains what it is your instincts are doing when they warn you, and how to learn to follow them and keep safe.
https://www.amazon.com.au/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
I just saw where you said she works with prisoners as a psychologist. That is frankly terrifying. Contact her superiors and possibly an attorney to see what legal recourse you have to protect yourself from her.
Edited to add: Please consider reading Gavin de Becker's <em>The Gift of Fear</em>. Do not ignore your inner worries when they start dinging this loudly.
Please please read: The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence . A relationship is "good" until it's not. Just like how you can feel healthy until you go to the doctor and they tell you're sick. Use your best judgement. Be safe.
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Reread your post. Can you see that he's trying to get his way regardless of your feelings? First he tried the "nice" way. I bet he also tried asking you for a baby. Then he tried telling you he wants a baby. Then he tried a guilt trip. Then he tried to dominate you. Then he HURT you and didn't let up until you agreed under force. OP, do not lie again. Do not say okay if you don't want a baby. You do not want to teach him (without meaning to) that he can get his way if he hurts you.
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Here's an amazon link for the book: https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198. Maybe someone else knows where to get a free PDF?
> I thought I was being silly to have a bad feeling about this guy and I didn't want to offend
Trust your instinct next time.
Highly recommend you pick up a copy of "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.
>I asked him to leave me alone, he didn’t. So I made up some bs story that I left something behind and ran back into work.
You did well.
The Gift of Fear
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
I recently read "Ordinary Men" about how normal polish police went from being civilian normal police to aiding the Germans in the Holocaust and it's scary how many parallels there are. It requires normal civilians and police to all step up and speak against it to stop
Edit: comrade pointed out these were German civilians. They are correct.
"Browning argues that most of the men of RPB 101 were not fanatical Nazis but, rather, ordinary middle-aged, working-class men who committed these atrocities out of a mixture of motives, including the group dynamics of conformity, deference to authority, role adaptation, and the altering of moral norms to justify their actions. Very quickly three groups emerged within the battalion: a core of eager killers, a plurality who carried out their duties reliably but without initiative, and a small minority who evaded participation in the acts of killing without diminishing the murderous efficiency of the battalion whatsoever."
A big thing that struck me: when the police who initially said "no" in front of the rest of the group were later asked how they were able to say no they talked about how they were older and financially independent. The young guys all said yes because they were focused on their careers and hoping for a promotion. I wonder how much of the same mindset controls our police in this country. If the chief of police is smiling at militia run check points, is the 24 year old cop ready, mentally but financially, to question him?
I want to validate that it’s upsetting and it does feel dangerous. You’re not being a crybaby, especially if this is the first time you have this type of attention on you. Unfortunately, it’s a rite of passage every woman goes through.
Take women self defense classes or seminars to learn how to look unapproachable. I also recommend reading “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. Knowing that you can fight back is a powerful tool. By taking steps to protect yourself, you can feel safer.
Know that it is ok for you to be “rude”. No one is entitled to your time or your attention. My go to is to not answer or respond to attention. However, I will admit I don’t get that much attention as I’m not a conventional attractive woman so my methods may not work as well.
Taxi driver conversations: that could be mundane. You can turn it around. Give a vague reply, “the South Side” or even “I prefer to keep it private” and then ask them detailed questions so they talk about themselves. Or you can just ignore them and say you’ve had a long day. If they insist on asking you questions, then they’re being rude and intrusive.
Gaining weight as a defense mechanism is a common tactic but it has long term health consequences. I advise against it because healthcare is expensive (in the US). Also, gaining weight won’t prevent all violence against you. Being a woman comes with an inherent set of risks, regardless of size.
Random violence happens to everyone, regardless of looks, gender, or size. I don’t know the city you live in or what the circumstances are so I can’t say it will all be ok. At the same time, the world is less dangerous than the news or television shows portray. I stopped watching police procedural shows because I realized it made me paranoid to leave the house. I’ve traveled solo in US cities late at night and have been fine. I’ve also been groped in broad daylight.
The simple answer is that there is positive male media out there, just not Men As Men. Like, Batman is a dude. Groot is a dude. Ethan Hunt is a dude. All those are dudes doing cool dude shit as dudes.
The more complex answer is that, on a place like Medium, there's not a whole lot of value that's going to come out of broad "male defense". Like, what specifically are you looking for? "Congratulations on not catcalling women"? "Thanks, men, for generally existing without murdering people"?
Like it or not, humans tend to be negatively focused. It is probably an innate survival instinct. So you're going to get a dozen times as many "men, stop doing thing!" articles as you will "men, thanks for doing thing!" articles.
"Nothing happened", the word to finish that sentence is YET. while it's unknown exactly how the situation would of progressed if you hadn't left and gone to a safer location... if you feel it's dangerous that you are most likely right in your assessment. People are more perceptive than they realize.
Consider reading this book: The Gift of Fear
https://www.amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Maybe flippin' them off wasn't the smartest move, but they were already focused on harassing you. You are not responsible at all for their sinister behaviour.
It was better to run that to stay, you made the right choice.
There can be a pack mentality of men egging other men on, an action they may not initiate on their own, they will take part in, or turn a blind eye to, when they're together.
I've seen it in girls and women too (pack cruelty), more with verbal bullying, rarely physical violence.
Amazon Link: https://www.amazon.com/Antifa-Anti-Fascist-Handbook-Mark-Bray/dp/1612197035
Not available yet on Barnes & Noble, but Bezo's little site had it available one day after Charlottesville. How interesting!
Strictly speaking, there is no Antifa organization anymore, originally "Antifaschistische Aktion", a pre-WW2 German antifascist movement, and it's basically an ideology and ways of organizing agaist fascism and racism.
Many left-wing socialist and anarchist groups have adopted their methods.
What the rightwing media is trying to push is that basically the Black Bloc is "Antifa", they're the ones with masks that people normally first think of whenever Antifa is mentioned and on the occasion doing the vandalism bits.
There are many other groups that do not do that and are aligned with Antifa views and methods, like Maledicte said.
Recommended reading: Antifa: The Anti-Fascist Handbook by Mark Bray. He was on a podcast a while back explaining the basics, but I've forgotten what it was. I'll update when I remember/find it.
edit: Ah, here it is, it's on The Gist podcast from Slate, [here it is](www.slate.com/articles/podcasts/gist/2017/08/author_mark_bray_on_the_antifa_movement.html).
The interview with Bray starts at around 4min 40secs.
edit2: I just realized that my comment makes it sound that I'm down on the Black Bloc, but it's not as clear-cut as that. Yeah, I disagree with some of their methods, but they are Activists with a capital 'A' and they don't shy away from direct action which I can respect.
Always applicable quote from 'The Anti-Fascist Handbook':
"It is important to note, however, that the vast majority of people who oppose limiting free speech on political grounds are not free speech absolutists. They all have their exceptions to the rule, whether obscenity, incitement to violence, copyright infringement, press censorship during wartime, or restrictions for the incarcerated.
If we rephrase the terms of the debate by taking these exceptions into account, we can see that many liberals support limiting the free speech of working-class teens busted for drugs, but not limiting the free speech of Nazis. Many are fine when the police quash the free speech of the undocumented by hunting them down, while they amplify the speech of the Klan by protecting them. They advocate curtailing ads for cigarettes but not ads for white supremacy.
All of these examples limit speech. The only difference is that liberals pretend that their limitations are apolitical, while anti-fascists embrace an avowedly political rejection of fascism."
For anyone who wants to hear more stories like this I recommend This Nonviolent Stuff'll Get You Killed, by Charles E. Cobb Jr.
Rice's father is far from the only black southerner who used firearms to keep the Klan away and his family safe.
You should read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. If you ever have kids, have them read it, too. His advice is t he same: Never go with them. Force them to commit to their choices right where you are.
The thing I can't get over is the fact that there is an actual Antifa Handbook out there which actually details the ideology of prominent antifa groups as well as their histories and how they operate. But if the guy who made this actually read this book his head might explode once he realizes how reasonable it is
The book is <em>Ordinary Men</em>, and it's absolutely horrifying. It's an extremely frank and well-supported look at just how easily and willingly so many people committed horrible acts of violence. Any time someone gives the, "We were just following orders!" or, "You'd die if you didn't obey!" excuse, they need to read this book.
Great book on this called "On Killing - the Psychological Costs of Learning to Kill in War and Society
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It explores killing in war through history and the effects, largely linked to proximity of the kill, had detrimental effects on the killer.
Some notable facts about the book that I can remember after reading it 10 years ago:
Knife/Bayonett kills, though exceptionally rare in more recent wars, had the most devastating effects. Soldiers cited as feeling a man's last breath had a big hurdle to climb.
American soldiers in WWII were exceptionally bad shots, especially when shooting Germans. Turns out most Americans didn't want to kill people, even during the heroic march to victory. All-time terrible percentage of shooting.
War attracts psychopaths and make up something like 5% of combatants who are out to kill and not the norm.
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If you are interested in this topic I highly recommend the book. Things I read have stayed with me and it never surprises me how much this topic comes up in conversation.
You didn’t mess up or freeze! Your actions show that you were ridiculously aware given the circumstances (tried to call 911 first before reaching for your firearm), and something in your gut, your instinct, stopped that trigger finger unless you absolutely HAD to. You would have pulled if he attacked you, but you waited until the absolute last possible second to decide whether to take a life, and that shows courage and really trusting your instincts and your training. There was probably a little spark in your brain somewhere that said "If he really was going to attack me he'd already be doing it, not standing there taunting me." (If you haven't read The Gift of Fear, do.) Nobody died or went to the hospital, and you get to sleep in your own bed. That was the best possible outcome you could have had. Don't wish you could go back and do it over again and shoot someone... as traumatizing as having a psycho bathrobe ninja fall out of your ceiling is, that would be far worse for your mental health.
NTA. It's better to be rude than dead. Women are taught to be overly polite and worry more about someone else's comfort than their own. You are allowed to behave and feel however you like. Anyone who tells you that you shouldn't feel a certain way is deluded or trying to manipulate you.
Never let anyone talk you into giving someone a chance that you are not interested in dating. You are not required to go on a date with someone just because they ask. You get a vote-- and no one else.
You can break up with someone for any reason- it doesn't have to be some imaginary "good enough" reason.
Digital stalking is still stalking. Physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse.
Read "The Gift of Fear." It's the manual on how to stay safe and recognize when your gut has it right.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440226198/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_PJB8SJW18H7JP5ZMPXEK
You own your feelings and choices. Do not let a committee run your life.
Nope!
Far far less often.
Immediacy, more comprehensive reporting, and the complete lack of any kind of geographic filtration just make it seem like things are getting worse, when it is in fact the exact opposite. There's plenty of good statistical analysis to back it up, but the easier solution is to just pick up a copy of 'Better angels of our nature' by Stephen Pinker. It does a good job of breaking down the trends on different comparative perspectives, analyzing different interpretations of the data, and highlighting the most compelling conclusions we can draw from it: https://www.amazon.com/Better-Angels-Our-Nature-Violence/dp/0143122010
When I was growing up, we didn't really hear much about most murders or other violent crimes any further away than the next town over...
NTA - absolutely gotta trust your gut instinct on something like this- that's the crux of Gavin de Becker's fantastic book, The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Absolutely wouldn't spend any time alone with that cousin after something like that.
> Don't ever tell him you intend to leave until you are leaving and do so with people there who can assist you in leaving.
YES. There are more tips in this book, but OP, I would recommend you only get an electronic copy of this book (Kindle or on your computer desktop or whatever), so that he doesn't see it:
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
That book is a godsend. It talks about protecting yourself from both stranger violence and intimate violence. A random woman I met at a party once confided that it had saved her life. It also helped a friend of mine plan her divorce from her abusive husband.