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Aside from the TL and Bay View there's not anywhere I feel unsafe in the city. Stairway Walks in San Francisco: The Joy of Urban Exploring is a great book with urban hiking routes in SF.
Golden Gate Park and the Presidio are also great for walking around.
There are at least 2 dozen Micro Breweries you could consider worth a visit. Nearly all offer food which sets us apart from other Micro Brewery cities like Portland or Austin.
Running in the city can be excellent. The street grid and historic neighborhoods/parks provided endless things to checkout as you run. We love it.
The southern part of the state is quite pretty (Ozark Foothills/Mountains). Lots of state parks for hiking. Check out this book: 60 Hikes Within 60 Miles: St. Louis: Including Sullivan, Potosi, and Farmington https://www.amazon.com/dp/0897328833/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_KJhBDbBEPHJC5
What part of Canada are you coming from? The Wife and I moved here from Alberta 12yrs ago. Day to day life is mostly the same, the social/political situation is the biggest difference. It's generally a great country to be a top income earner.
Missouri is VERY conservative. Look up abortion for an idea of how things are here. The government is secular in theory but not in practice. Very unfortunate. That said, the cities are much less so.
Violence is much more common in American life. The idea is that you should inact your 2nd amendment rights and protect yourself that way. Personal choice is emphasized. Rather than the Crown providing solutions, you find them for yourself. Healthcare is a great example. Hearing gunfire in urban areas is perhaps the saddest example of this approach. It will feel odd at first but eventually you'll adapt. American's just do things differently. You'll love it or hate it.
All in all we have LOVED IT.
You need to get a copy of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
You also need to get a lawyer who has experience with "high conflict personalities" and get your ducks in a row before you make a move.
Your lawyer can best advise you, but going "no contact" if you don't have kids, is often the safest route for you to take.
You need to protect yourself.
>Either she is a liar or her memory is indeed unstable
OP, this is all classic BPD. Not CPTSD. The conditions overlap but have some really stark differences. Unfortunately BPD is characterized by instability in relationships so this is a remarkably hard problem to be up against in a marriage.
Some mental health practitioners will diagnose BPD as CPTSD to avoid the stigma. But it is an inaccurate diagnosis. Here is a graphic to help you understand the differences.
I'm glad you found Stop Walking on Eggshells - you're going down the right road.
Spend some time on /r/bpdlovedones - you'll get more targeted help there than here.
You should read Splitting to understand your worst-case scenario.
BA Hiker has some good suggestions. I always recommend the book "Stairway Walks in San Francisco" (link goes to Amazon, but please buy from your local bookstore).
For a moment I was wondering if you were talking about me. I'm not from a third world country though.
I have BPD, we love hard, and we are hard to love. Our disorder makes us feel things on levels that others can't feel, or we feel nothing at all. We can say things that cut so hard. So used to being left, and don't think we are worth it. There is a book out there...honestly I'm to afraid to read.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399536213/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_J149Fb336MQFB[I hate you don't leave me](https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399536213/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_J149Fb336MQFB)
We however are fully formed humans. All we want to be loved as deeply as we love our person.
I just asked my wife for some thoughts on this. She says patience, and learning to recognize when outbursts are happening. Don't take anything personally when in an outburst. Wait until the next day to discuss the situation.
She has been such an amazing person and helped to become more functioning and notice when I'm least stable to better combat my brain.
This is something that you need to choose on your own.
Blessed Be
It sounds like he hates his job or being out in the world. He wakes up in a good mood and then after a few hours of being out in the world and dealing with people/traffic/life, he comes home angry and takes it out on you.
I totally get how it's helpful to you to understand what's going on emotionally for him, but it's also really important to make it clear that you shouldn't have to accept verbal abuses because he has trouble handling his emotions. It sort of sounds like the family waits on your dad and dances around his emotions ("we give him food and lunch for him to eat"). I know it's tough when you're young because you're kind of stuck with your parents, but it's still important for you to understand that it's not your job to fix his emotions and it's also not your job to take his abuse.
This book is technically about BPD, but a lot of the info can be helpful for those of us living in a household with anger. It really helped me understand the emotional rollercoaster that is going on behind the scenes: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1684036895
There's a book called Splitting that seems to be a recommended read for people prepping for divorce.
I like u/HonestInquiryGuy's idea about figuring out how to make it her idea.
> It makes no sense. Why would she want to stay married if you're such a monster in her eyes?
It wouldn't be a personality disorder if it made sense to the normies.
https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0399536213/
https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd
The tsundere archetype is quite similar to borderline personality disorder, which really can't be explained in a short post like this without being horribly unfair to real people.
- Pop it, drain it, and cover it.
- Experiment with different lubricants: Foot Glide, Trail Toes, SNB, Vaseline, etc. At the very least, go to the store and pick up some generic petroleum jelly to try for your run tomorrow.
- Experiment with different shoes and socks. Blisters are almost always caused by friction. Different geometry and different materials will affect where and how much friction you experience.
- Buy and read this book.
There’s a book that I haven’t used or read but that I’ve heard is very helpful to people who are involved with those with BPD. I’ll link it but FAIR WARNING I have been told that those with BPD should not read it at risk of feeling just… absolutely awful. Just reading the back cover makes me go, yeah I’m a piece of shit. But YOU’RE NOT. Our behaviors, that we’re working on, may indeed be toxic and awful and it’s good to be aware of those and to go to therapy for DBT and REBT. But for someone on the outside who does need to know how to protect themselves from those behaviors, as we’re working through them, and to understand what’s going on with us, I think it’ll be helpful.
I found Fixing Your Feet: Injury Prevention and Treatments for Athletes by Dr. John Vonhof to be an excellent resource for blister care, proper taping, exercises for injury prevention. Dr. Vonhof specializes in foot care for ultramarathoners and thru-hikers.
It sounds like she is disregulated BPD to me as well. I have some experience with this with two family members with BPD. Let me tell you: this is likely to get much worse before it gets better.
Because she has young children, you need to intervene and beg her to get treatment. But it probably won't go well. She may cut you out, may get violent, may sue you for random things, may attempt suicide.
Offer her the help and the support, but have a zero tolerance policy for abuse or violence. Block her on your phone and on social media after the first sign of it. Document all of your interactions with her.
At the FIRST THREAT of self-harm, call 911 and get her put on an involuntary psych hold. This is your opportunity to get her some help. The threats of self-harm (or actual self-harm) will come when she feels she has no other choices to get you on her side.
Reach out to her husband and offer your support when it comes to the kids. It's awful, but you might have to offer to testify against your sister when it comes to temporary custody in order to keep them safe. Make the best interest of the kids your top priority.
/r/bpdlovedones is the closest reddit support sub, but I suggest bpdfamily.com instead. The reddit sub is more about SOs whereas bpdfamily focuses more on nuclear family members.
Suggest to her husband that he reads "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder". Even if he doesn't want a divorce, there are some crucial things in that book he needs to know in order to keep himself and the kids safe and together.
Recommended read: splitting it has some great advice for keeping yourself safe from a high conflict unstable person. I wish you the very best and glad you were able to share here.
I am in a similar boat, similar age, decision not made, but I have kids. I've talked to a few divorce lawyers to find one I liked over a few months about a year ago, but things got a little better, only for her to reveal she's been lonely for years in our marriage counseling last week.
There are a couple books on this topic that I have found can be helpful. One is called Splitting, but it has to do with borderline personality disorder.
Amazon link I know bipolar isn't the same, but it got me familiar with what to expect and what might happen.
Amazon link This is a general relationship book, which I found useful, since I wasn't aware that our relationship wasn't normal.
Beyond those, I would recommend a personal counselor for you to help you sort out your head, and talk things through. I would also recommend to find a divorce lawyer you like, who will work with you, and is within your budget.
Personally, I think if he is taking this job out of state, and you are certain he knows you're not moving with him, then he's kinda made his choice, I'd say.
Best of luck to you
The best book I've read on BPD is "I hate you...don't leave me". amazon I found it pretty hard to get a lot of good info online about BPD, the stuff is pretty fragmented. Subbing here over time helps when you can see people making threads about what they're dealing with and realize aspects of the disorder that you didn't of yet think about that you share.
I’m so sorry. I have a family member with borderline personality disorder and this sounds like the situation with her. There is a book called “stop walking on eggshells” (Amazon linkthat helped me understand what was happening and see how it became a family disease.
Dr. Fox has a really good one, here is the amazon link for it. He has another one for people who have been diagnosed with other disorders too.
My understanding is that DBT is the gold standard for BPD treatment. I think that it's ideal to have one therapist who does DBT with you and also one DBT group, and that is sort of the example that I've seen in DBT texts.
Daniel Fox has a lot of resources and has put in a significant amount of work relative to DBT in his career. Here is his book. If you look at my profile, you'll see many more resources in my old posts. Dr. Fox also has a youtube channel.
https://smile.amazon.com/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Workbook-Integrative/dp/1684032733/
It’s sounds like you’ve reached a decisive moment. I know that won’t have been easy. I wish you all the best in navigating your way out of the marriage.
You won’t need this immediately but it might help as a reference down the track: https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=705bad5e-1f9b-4b73-93c7-35966f6f9c3e
I would absolutely recommend doing this over the 49 mine scenic drive. I just did this walk last week and it was lovely. It has lots of variation and nooks and crannies that most long-term SF residents probably haven't seen. By comparison, the scenic drive is going to take you under long stretches of homogeneous highways and underpasses.
If 17 miles isn't enough length for you, you could also consider completing the Stairway Walks of San Francisco. Its pretty easy to connect 2-4 of the smaller hikes in this book together for a longer hike, and will absolutely take you into gorgeous residential neighborhoods that you wouldn't have an excuse to visit otherwise.
My mother has BPD. There is no easy way to deal with this, and no easy set of hints and tips to make a shit situation less shit. Sorry to say it that way. Here are a few thoughts/ideas
1) Have you read/listened to the book 'Stop walking on eggshells'? That does talk you through a few ways of coping and managing the situation and your sister's behaviour. Definitely worth your time, even if it only helps you realise you're not alone.
2) Are you seeing a therapist/counsellor yourself? I highly recommend it, and that's from someone who never thought he's need a counselling session. You need help to process the events you're going through and will continue to go through - if you stay engaged she'll put you through more; if you disengage she'll try to pull you back in and you'll feel huge guilt.
3) Do you have friends and interests outside of the famnily group? Please do talk to them and lean on them. They need to know what you're going through, and just getting it out and venting can help.
4) Realise you cannot 'solve' this. You can stay engaged, and make the situation slightly better but it will never be solved - but it will go through phases when things are better, and worse. You need to make your peace with that, and decide if you can continue doing what you've been doing. Personally, I'd love to walk away completely but I've realised I will not let myself do that, so I've established boundaries and distance that allows me to manage and cope.
I wish you well. It seems you have a few people on here with similar experience, maybe that in itself helps
You can try to use this DBT workbook, a lot of people on here swear that it has changed their lives for the better. It's 16 bucks (or free, if you know where to look... Mods please don't nuke my comment)
I think you may need to read this book
While it's good that you're self-aware, it's not right to call yourself names ("jobless loser"). You say you cannot handle anything negative about yourself, and yet you've typed a whole paragraph criticizing yourself.
I think that with time and effort you can definitely improve. A good start would be to get some therapy, if you can afford it - the next best thing would be to get this book which you can use as a self-help tool, 16 bucks is cheaper than therapy for sure.
I think that you can use your self-awareness to try and stop yourself from doing any of this stuff. If you feel like you're about to manipulate somebody, STOP, take a deep breath and think about it. What do you want to get when you're manipulative? And how can you get what you need without doing anything like that? You're the only one who can do something about it, and you're definitely CAPABLE of improvement. You just have to put the effort into it. Best of luck
Look at https://bahiker.com for many other options and suggestions. Personally I'd buy a copy of Stairway Walks in San Francisco (link goes to Amazon, but it's easily found elsewhere in the city).
If you’re divorcing her, have you seen this book?
https://www.amazon.com/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Workbook-Integrative/dp/1684032733/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?crid=3ICEL87AYA77R&keywords=bpd+workbooks&qid=1663085861&sprefix=bpd%2Caps%2C141&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1 this workbook helped me a lot! i also have a hard time finding a therapist with my insurance but this is helping me