They brought it back, but I feel your pain.
Edit: all I know is that I went on after I got the news late as usual, and they had seemingly masked all the vids, pics, dicks 'n' chicks with NSFW overlays.
Also, y'all should read this. I haven't, but it's a step in the right direction judging by some of your pm's.
As a start, get a second opinion. She might have vaginismus or a similar condition that makes sex painful.If that's not the case (and, actually, even if it is,) try reading Dr. Emily Nagosi's book Come as You Are. It's very accessible, science-based, and written by an expert in the field. Each section has a TLDR; summary at the end and it's full of good information on how (cis) women's sexual needs differ from (cis) men's. I think it addresses some of the issues you've mentioned.
Edit to add link:
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
If you haven't read Come As You Are , I highly recommend it. It's not a Nirvana biography, it's a book about women's sexuality. Orgasms are talked about in depth. My IUD and antidepressants make it difficult for me to orgasm like I used to. This book really helped me understand what was going on and recognize tat I was having orgasms, just they are different than the screaming, shuddering ones in porn flicks. I'm much more ok with not having those every time and knowing what I want from sex. Like you said, there are times when I don't come and the sex is fucking incredible. Sometimes I want to remember every detail, and if I'm focused on coming, I can't do that.
If you have access to Amazon deliveries and DM me your address or create a wishlist with tests on it I'd be happy to buy them for you. If you do happen to fall pregnant and don't want to be, r/abortion has lots of resources for accessing termination in countries where it's illegal. In particular I'd recommend Women on Web which has been getting the pills to people in countries where it's illegal for decades. The benefits of the pill are that it looks identical to a miscarriage.
ALL THAT SAID — it's unlikely she's pregnant based on what you said, especially if you didn't finish and haven't had sex since then. Anovulatory cycles are totally normal, especially if she's not super regular anyway. Is she having any other symptoms? It's possible but rare to get to 7+ weeks without symptoms. Breast swelling and pain, unusual fatigue/exhaustion, and nausea/sensitivity to smells are usually the first symptoms.
When was her last period before June 11? That could make a difference too.
Going forward, since it sounds like contraception, pregnancy tests, and family planning in general are hard to access for you, I strongly recommend you look into the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) (NOT the same thing as the rhythm method!!!) It's empowering to be able to know what's going on with your cycles and fertility without any other tools. Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler is a great book to start with. If it's financially burdensome for you I'd be happy to Amazon you a copy of that as well.
OK. first thing, don't pressure her about orgasms. Being able to cum for women is a very mental thing. Pressure kills it. If she enjoys sex without an orgasm, let that be OK for the moment. I don't always cum when my husband and I have sex, but I always enjoy it. It's a lot harder for women to cum than it is for men, sometimes it just doesn't happen.
Second: both of you get this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00LD1ORBI/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
really really good book about female sexuality.
To orgasm, you need to know your own anatomy, including your brain. This book has helped me a bunch: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
It explains how we orgasm and it has completely changed how I masturbate.
Also, the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy
and She Comes First by Ian Kerner
A big thing for my husband and I, when we're not both in the mood/mindset for sex at the same time, is to still be present for the other, with no expectations. Often this means that one of us will masturbate while the other just holds, cuddles, or caresses. This provides connection and intimacy without either of us having to "perform" when we're not feeling it. The happy bonus is that around 50% of the time, whichever one of us wasn't in the mood ends up being in the mood. Other times, it's just cuddles, no masturbation, and that's good too, as it usually puts us closer to being in sync for sex in the near future.
If you haven't already, try reading Come as You Are. It may provide some insight and ideas to both you and your wife.
Standard Responses:
There’s an entire book written by a man dedicated solely to performing oral sex on a woman. It’s very tastefully (no pun intended) written and it would be an awesome read for you and your husband. She Comes First
Thank you for this. I think I need to figure out a way to have a situation somewhat like this.
Right now, he's so frustrated in general about it, he's like, "LET'S BONE! WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO!!??" And when I tell him I don't know, he gets mad, doesn't believe me, makes crazy assumptions like I'm cheating.
All of that definitely doesn't help me get in the mood. And right now, I'm not able to just say, "SEX, let's do it." I don't like it. I know he's upset. But to have sex when I don't feel it, it just doesn't seem right.
EDIT: Since this is a higher comment, I'll put this here. Thanks everyone for the advice and wonderful words.
I ordered Come as You Are and Mating in Captivity. I'm going to give them a read and not-so-subtly leave the books out so he can see I'm doing something for the cause.
The BEST BEST BEST book either my partner or I have ever read about all of this is Come As You Are . Get it. Read it. Make your partner read it.
It will change your sex life. We recommend it to everyone. (And it covers arousal, which is why it’s relevant here).
Hey OP, this is clearly a difficult situation, and I cannot fathom the emotional pain and turmoil you're feeling right now. I know this will sound strange, but I'd like to suggest that you and your GF both read, "Come As You Are", by Dr. Emily Nagoski.
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform-ebook/dp/B00LD1ORBI
While the book is more geared toward women, I think you'll find the information very enlightening, especially the chapters that discuss sexual "accelerators" and "brakes". The book may give both of you enough insight to be able to make behavioral changes.
I hope you're able to work through these issues, but should that not happen, reading this book will at least provide you with some great insight.
Edit: formatting
Congratulations on recovery❤️
You are definitely not alone. Bodies are pretty resilient! I began my recovery in the fall of 2016 and the hardest part was the first year. After that my body has healed up better than I could’ve expected. I honestly thought I had broken it forever and carried a lot of guilt and shame. I feel grateful to have my period back and to be ovulating regularly.
I highly recommend reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility! Maybe it’s my ED past but all of the tracking has become somewhat of a calming ritual. I cannot even begin to explain how excited I was the first time my temps confirmed that I ovulated. I hope that it will help you to find some peace and allow you to forgive yourself.
You have a very special wife. She's admitted to you that she has a lower drive than you but she is still right there with you, having, and enjoying, sex 3-5 times a week. Never take that for granted. I know it's fantastic to feel desired and wanted by a partner that can't wait to tear your clothes off and throw you on the bed, but that's just not what some people do. The fact that after all these years your wife is still an active and enthusiastic participant in your sex life is her showing you how much she wants and desires you.
I think you might both benefit from reading Come as You Are, which explains Responsive Desire. It's not a reflection on you at all, it's just the way some people work sexually, and there's nothing wrong with it. Knowing what it is, and how it works can make a world of difference.
You should also read come as you are
Your statements seem more shaming her for having responsive sexual arousal when in fact75% of women do. So it sounds like your shaming her by saying her natural type is wrong because it’s not like the mostly male spontaneous type.
You and her should both read his book . Unfortunately women’s sexuality has been treated to much like men’s and we’re completely different. This book is the most accurate one out there. I loved it.
Pain during sex = see your doctor/gynecologist. That needs to be investigated.
Also, I strongly recommend you read, "Come as You Are", by Dr. Emily Nagoski. You're going to learn a TON about yourself, and what you're feeling. The book is not about sex positions or techniques. It's a great read, super approachable and informative. Also recommend that your boyfriend read it, too. Check it out.
EDIT: You're not broken. You are normal! You do not need to find a girlfriend for your boyfriend!!! Read the book.
It shouldn’t all be on you, he needs to be an active participant as well. I only provide suggestions for you because you can control your own actions.
I’m currently reading Come As You Are. It’s pretty popular lately, and might be an interesting read for you both.
Everyone here has great advice about not pressuring yourself and being honest with your needs. A book that really gave me some good perspective on my libido was Come as you are. I personally have the opposite problem. I have a very high libido and two low libido partners.
The book is a fairly dense and scientifically focused look at sexuality (from a mainly cis-fem perspective, its only flaw I think). There are quizzes sprinkled throughout to help you gain insight into what “gets you going”, as well as any unconscious emotional baggage you may have about your sexuality, among other topics.
Taking Charge of your fertility is the holy grail of fertility books. I learned so much about my body it was amazing! https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062326031/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabt1_aW7SFbAGKZ8WX?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Also check out Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It's a really good look into female sexuality and deals with the exact issues you're describing.
Actually you very wrong. Women are just as sexual as males we just operate differently. Dr Emily Nagoski who wrote come as you are . Writes about the dual control model of sex (calling it sex drive isn’t actually accurate). We both have a sexual accelerator (gas) and sexual inhibitor (break) systems. Men tend to have sensitive gas panels and women tend to be more sensitive to the brakes. If you both find out what’s hitting her “breaks” (not feeling safe, poor self image, feeling lost, etc) and work on that the sex will improve.
Evolutionary phycology isn’t real science, and is just theoretical bs that sounds good. The truth is women and our sexuality have been treated for to long like men sexuality lite. We love sex just as much as men do we just operate differently and have different sensitivities. We are a lot more sensitive to context in our environments than men are.
I don't think anyone is saying dump the person over sex right then and there. This is a woman who has had a serious discussion about her dissatisfaction over the sex and her partner's inability (or rather unwillingness) to change anything. He could go buy a book like She Comes First and learn some techniques that will help his woman have an orgasm before he even gets inside her. He could slow down and ask her what she needs to get more aroused if for some reason he can't teach himself to go longer than two minutes. He could learn how to kegel to hold back his ejaculation if he mistakenly goes too far too fast. He could wait a few minutes or perform oral or heavy petting and get another erection (unless he is a one and done type guy) and use THAT one on her. But despite her complaints, he has done nothing except say, "Don't hate the player, hate the game." That is selfish. And while it is only selfish in one area of their life together, who wants to be told, "Oh yeah, no more orgasms for you for the rest of your life." I don't care if you are 70; that is a hard sentence in a cold prison.
Most apps are only guessing at when you are ovulating based on a 28 day cycle. If you’re not adding personalized info into the app such as your Basal Body Temp or positive OPK strips, you’re only receiving a very generic guess from the app. You might be missing your fertile window completely. The two most commonly used apps are Fertility Friend and Kindara. Like others suggested. Head on over to r/TryingForABaby for tons of great info. Read through their side bar and FAQ page. Another helpful resource is a book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility . Super helpful in terms of breaking down everything you need to know.
Best of luck to you.
Women like context. Women have more responsive desire, meaning more than just a visual cue. If you like women or are a woman, pleaseeeeee read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She describes this and backs it up with research.
Both of you can try reading this together: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_MCotCbKPNWME6
You want to make sure you’re physically and emotionally satisfied with yourself and your partner while exploring stuff in the bedroom, ok? Best of luck!
Take this issue head on. Attack it from four sides as a team. Be encouraging to her.
First and foremost you sound like your suffering with depression and should probably get some help. You’ve been through a lot with your parents divorce and doesn’t sound like you’ve heal from it.
Also size doesn’t matter. 70% of women can’t orgasm through PiV alone. Clitoral stimulation is what is needed for the vast majority of us. So a man can have a big penis but is still not likely to cause an orgasm.
If you really want to learn about female sexuality please read come as you are
First, read Come as You Are, preferably together. Second, start believing the best of your wife, and her intentions, instead of second guessing her motives, or assuming that she's lying to you. That is going to mess up your sex life, and your marriage, faster than anything else.