The best Women's Studies books: Reddit reviews

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

It's the article Why Women Had Better Sex Under Socialism by Kristen R. Ghodsee, which explains the reasons why women had better sex under socialism. She also wrote a book on this subject.

As a start, get a second opinion. She might have vaginismus or a similar condition that makes sex painful.If that's not the case (and, actually, even if it is,) try reading Dr. Emily Nagosi's book Come as You Are. It's very accessible, science-based, and written by an expert in the field. Each section has a TLDR; summary at the end and it's full of good information on how (cis) women's sexual needs differ from (cis) men's. I think it addresses some of the issues you've mentioned.
Edit to add link:
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

> I was interested about this too so I looked it up and was surprised at how lacking the research was.

Consider checking out Invisible Women, a great book discussing this topic in depth.

It also happens to mention that Viagra may be effective at treating period cramps.

Well I'll be damned.

If you haven't read Come As You Are , I highly recommend it. It's not a Nirvana biography, it's a book about women's sexuality. Orgasms are talked about in depth. My IUD and antidepressants make it difficult for me to orgasm like I used to. This book really helped me understand what was going on and recognize tat I was having orgasms, just they are different than the screaming, shuddering ones in porn flicks. I'm much more ok with not having those every time and knowing what I want from sex. Like you said, there are times when I don't come and the sex is fucking incredible. Sometimes I want to remember every detail, and if I'm focused on coming, I can't do that.

OK. first thing, don't pressure her about orgasms. Being able to cum for women is a very mental thing. Pressure kills it. If she enjoys sex without an orgasm, let that be OK for the moment. I don't always cum when my husband and I have sex, but I always enjoy it. It's a lot harder for women to cum than it is for men, sometimes it just doesn't happen.

Second: both of you get this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00LD1ORBI/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

really really good book about female sexuality.

To orgasm, you need to know your own anatomy, including your brain. This book has helped me a bunch: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

It explains how we orgasm and it has completely changed how I masturbate.

A big thing for my husband and I, when we're not both in the mood/mindset for sex at the same time, is to still be present for the other, with no expectations. Often this means that one of us will masturbate while the other just holds, cuddles, or caresses. This provides connection and intimacy without either of us having to "perform" when we're not feeling it. The happy bonus is that around 50% of the time, whichever one of us wasn't in the mood ends up being in the mood. Other times, it's just cuddles, no masturbation, and that's good too, as it usually puts us closer to being in sync for sex in the near future.

If you haven't already, try reading Come as You Are. It may provide some insight and ideas to both you and your wife.

Standard Responses:

1. Look up "Responsive Desire" v.s. "Spontaneous Desire".
2. Read the book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski Ph.D.
3. There's a book out there about "Love Languages", but I can't remember what it is.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, very interesting story about human cell research, the woman whose cells made it possible, and her daughter. It is a compelling true story and describing it makes me want to read it again! And I second (or third) the Mary Roach books; they are sometimes LOL funny.

Norah Vincent interview for anyone who's curious. Skip to 9:25 if it doesn't do so automatically. The interview was about her experiences while writing "Self Made Man".

>The Immortal Life of Hennrietta

Based on the book by the same name by Rebecca Skloot

https://www.amazon.com/Immortal-Life-Henrietta-Lacks/dp/1400052181

Thank you for this. I think I need to figure out a way to have a situation somewhat like this.

Right now, he's so frustrated in general about it, he's like, "LET'S BONE! WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO!!??" And when I tell him I don't know, he gets mad, doesn't believe me, makes crazy assumptions like I'm cheating.

All of that definitely doesn't help me get in the mood. And right now, I'm not able to just say, "SEX, let's do it." I don't like it. I know he's upset. But to have sex when I don't feel it, it just doesn't seem right.

EDIT: Since this is a higher comment, I'll put this here. Thanks everyone for the advice and wonderful words.

I ordered Come as You Are and Mating in Captivity. I'm going to give them a read and not-so-subtly leave the books out so he can see I'm doing something for the cause.

This is pretty much exactly what Caroline Criado-Perez says in her recent book "Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men".

It's good to see that the awareness of this is spreading.

The BEST BEST BEST book either my partner or I have ever read about all of this is Come As You Are . Get it. Read it. Make your partner read it.

It will change your sex life. We recommend it to everyone. (And it covers arousal, which is why it’s relevant here).

I don't know if this will help, but I just finished reading Invisible Women. It is an excellent read and it's absolutely appalling and infuriating to see all the places where women are just...not considered, and what the fallout of that is on a societal level. I don't think the word "feminism" occurs in the book, but it is very much a strong feminist statement with an absolute shitload of data to back it up.

Or just throw the whole boyfriend out, up to you.

Hey OP, this is clearly a difficult situation, and I cannot fathom the emotional pain and turmoil you're feeling right now. I know this will sound strange, but I'd like to suggest that you and your GF both read, "Come As You Are", by Dr. Emily Nagoski.

https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform-ebook/dp/B00LD1ORBI

While the book is more geared toward women, I think you'll find the information very enlightening, especially the chapters that discuss sexual "accelerators" and "brakes". The book may give both of you enough insight to be able to make behavioral changes.

I hope you're able to work through these issues, but should that not happen, reading this book will at least provide you with some great insight.

Edit: formatting

You have a very special wife. She's admitted to you that she has a lower drive than you but she is still right there with you, having, and enjoying, sex 3-5 times a week. Never take that for granted. I know it's fantastic to feel desired and wanted by a partner that can't wait to tear your clothes off and throw you on the bed, but that's just not what some people do. The fact that after all these years your wife is still an active and enthusiastic participant in your sex life is her showing you how much she wants and desires you.

I think you might both benefit from reading Come as You Are, which explains Responsive Desire. It's not a reflection on you at all, it's just the way some people work sexually, and there's nothing wrong with it. Knowing what it is, and how it works can make a world of difference.

You should also read come as you are

Your statements seem more shaming her for having responsive sexual arousal when in fact75% of women do. So it sounds like your shaming her by saying her natural type is wrong because it’s not like the mostly male spontaneous type.

You and her should both read his book . Unfortunately women’s sexuality has been treated to much like men’s and we’re completely different. This book is the most accurate one out there. I loved it.

Pain during sex = see your doctor/gynecologist. That needs to be investigated.

Also, I strongly recommend you read, "Come as You Are", by Dr. Emily Nagoski. You're going to learn a TON about yourself, and what you're feeling. The book is not about sex positions or techniques. It's a great read, super approachable and informative. Also recommend that your boyfriend read it, too. Check it out.

EDIT: You're not broken. You are normal! You do not need to find a girlfriend for your boyfriend!!! Read the book.

It shouldn’t all be on you, he needs to be an active participant as well. I only provide suggestions for you because you can control your own actions.

I’m currently reading Come As You Are. It’s pretty popular lately, and might be an interesting read for you both.

Everyone here has great advice about not pressuring yourself and being honest with your needs. A book that really gave me some good perspective on my libido was Come as you are. I personally have the opposite problem. I have a very high libido and two low libido partners.

The book is a fairly dense and scientifically focused look at sexuality (from a mainly cis-fem perspective, its only flaw I think). There are quizzes sprinkled throughout to help you gain insight into what “gets you going”, as well as any unconscious emotional baggage you may have about your sexuality, among other topics.

Also check out Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It's a really good look into female sexuality and deals with the exact issues you're describing.

Actually you very wrong. Women are just as sexual as males we just operate differently. Dr Emily Nagoski who wrote come as you are . Writes about the dual control model of sex (calling it sex drive isn’t actually accurate). We both have a sexual accelerator (gas) and sexual inhibitor (break) systems. Men tend to have sensitive gas panels and women tend to be more sensitive to the brakes. If you both find out what’s hitting her “breaks” (not feeling safe, poor self image, feeling lost, etc) and work on that the sex will improve.

Evolutionary phycology isn’t real science, and is just theoretical bs that sounds good. The truth is women and our sexuality have been treated for to long like men sexuality lite. We love sex just as much as men do we just operate differently and have different sensitivities. We are a lot more sensitive to context in our environments than men are.

Women like context. Women have more responsive desire, meaning more than just a visual cue. If you like women or are a woman, pleaseeeeee read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She describes this and backs it up with research.

1. She needs to see her ObGyn. Frankly, that should have been done seven years ago.
2. After that, you can try a sex therapist. But if you do, make sure you two aren't surprised if she brings up open relationships. Personally, I don't recommend them. One spouse almost always get very jealous. The chances of divorce go up. But that doesn't mean don't see a sex therapist.
3. Post over at r/sexover30 (but be ready for ideas that you don't want to try.
4. Both of you must read "Come as you Are." It's the gold standard of female sexuality.

Take this issue head on. Attack it from four sides as a team. Be encouraging to her.

First and foremost you sound like your suffering with depression and should probably get some help. You’ve been through a lot with your parents divorce and doesn’t sound like you’ve heal from it.

Also size doesn’t matter. 70% of women can’t orgasm through PiV alone. Clitoral stimulation is what is needed for the vast majority of us. So a man can have a big penis but is still not likely to cause an orgasm.

If you really want to learn about female sexuality please read come as you are

> I understand a frustration with rigid, societal gender roles.

OK, but please understand that that's not what gender identity is about.

Suppose we tell you, "We're going to transform your body to female, and that's how everybody is going to see and relate to you for the rest of your life. But don't worry! We're not saying you have to be feminine! You can be as masculine as a woman as you like! But you have to be a woman."

I don't think you'd be cool with that. Possibly a few people have a lot of built-in gender flexibility and could roll with that punch. A lot more people think they could handle it, but in reality probably could not - Nora Vincent thought she could, for example, and almost lost her mind, even though her change was only outward/social and not bodily.

First, read Come as You Are, preferably together. Second, start believing the best of your wife, and her intentions, instead of second guessing her motives, or assuming that she's lying to you. That is going to mess up your sex life, and your marriage, faster than anything else.