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How to Win Friends & Influence People?
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Read Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People (not affiliate). Then read it again. It's a classic book that's required reading at almost every business school. Most of the topics are directly applicable to your problem, but more importantly they're invaluable to other areas of life - which could indirectly improve your dates as well.
One of the key takeaways is that people are naturally self-centered. People tend to enjoy talking about themselves, so ask about them, their life, and their experiences.
Edit: turns out I own two copies of the book, so if you're in the US, I'm happy to mail you some Reddit love (aka the book).
> Any tips on how i could engage with them more?
If this is something you struggle with consistently this book might help. What it basically boils down to is: engage with people. Ask them questions. People like nothing more than talking about themselves.
Left behind how? You have approximately $15,000 more than the average person living in the wealthiest country in recorded history. That's about 6 months of savings for you (or more). From a financial standpoint, you are certainly not "behind." I wish I made $32,000/yr at age 21.
With regards to friends and dating and socializing, I think that's where you may find it valuable to devote more attention. There are plenty of resources to help you become more social. You can devote time to journaling and introspection and meditation to help you address your anxiety; you can read How to Win Friends and Influence People and other classic self-improvement books; you can make friends online in various forums and practice becoming more vulnerable with them, etc.
Treat it like any other life skill you want to cultivate. There are ways to reliably make more money, become more emotionally intelligent, master a sport, earn an advanced degree, and so on. Becoming social and engaging is just another skill like those.
> My strategy for avoiding social disasters has become to just never approach people
As someone who's been a shut-in from time to time this I can totally understand and relate to this. However, I would urge you to have the best of intentions, and be as clear with them as possible. Throw some basic kindness and politeness in there (which aren't really that hard) and you'll be JUST fine in most social situations =)
Learning the social queues for someone who is uncomfortable is a huge bonus - I can't relate to being on the spectrum but I can relate to basic social anxiety, etc. It took me awhile but there's a ton of great content on the topic out there. I read a couple of books on how to be a good conversationalist and that's how I learned some of the basic queues (crossing arms, body language, eye contact stuff, etc).
The best book however was Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It taught me VERY common-sense approaches to how to be a human around other humans. I use lessons from it every day to be an effective listener, and to effectively communicate my own ideas and feelings.
Damn - this ended up a lot longer than I intended. Well I hope it helps a bit - and best of luck out there!
Let me recommend a book: [link]
This one of those top selling classics. The first couple sections are entirely about how to connect with people. It's filled with concrete ideas and examples on how to make progress in this arena. As programmers, we get a social license to be a bit awkward and shy, but don't test the limits of this -- it will hurt your career progress.
> No one ganged up on him, considering the premise of the topic is to figure out if we should, because 4 years of the same thing is old.
Really?
> He’s out numbered 5 to 1 because everyone is kind of tired of it.
> This throwing character was ok and we kind of beat him down a bit when he had some bullshit feats.
> if we do try to RP the character he gets defensive and says "no" "that's not how she would react" or some other excuse.
> We did. He didn’t have “room”.
> best character he had was an vanilla Investigator one of us made for him
> No he's taking well thought out, sim/theorycrafted, and known builds and screwing with them
> > He changes well made and well know builds into shit because "he" made the choice.
You and I have very different definitions of "We." You also sound like the fun-police. Obviously he doesn't give a shit about copying builds. Everyone gets their enjoyment from different aspects of the game and maybe copying someone else's template eliminates the fundamental aspects of character creation that he enjoys.
> No one is going to become his character creator.
If no one is going to work with him and teach him to make a good character, you're going to be stuck with him making shitty characters. Grow up and help him. You have 20 years experience gaming, put it to some use.
> Everything else you said is now not really relevant, circumvents your original directive or insane.
Just because you don't know the fundamental basics of having positive interactions where you get your desired outcome doesn't make it insane. What I wrote for you is a crash course in hundreds of books about team building, communication, and getting people to help you/do what you ask them to do.
It has been said a bunch already, but people love to talk about themselves. Ask questions about their life or talk about something in their life. Ex. If they have a dog. "What's scruff up to?" If they are into hockey. "So Gary Bettman should die huh?". Compliments also work well. So be interested in others' lives, talk about them and compliment them. They will talk to you for days. Keep in mind that I do none of these things, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Many read this book for guidance on this topic: [link]
You should read this book: [link]
There is a specific part in the book where talks about the need to correct people, and what little good it does--"Part Three - How To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking" iirc. I recommend you give it a read.
You've experienced (in all probability) less than a third of your lifespan at this point. You have some time to learn.
Regardless, talking to women is no different than talking to anyone else. They're people and respond to many of the same things. Read this: [link] If you're clever you'll find an ebook or audio book somehow, I'm sure.
That book's been around forever for a reason. But the main thing about it is, it asks you to begin investing time in learning about the perspectives of others. People love to talk about themselves, and they love it when people listen. Taking a genuine interest in others is a huge first step.
If you're a reading kind of guy, check out How to Win Friends & Influence People
Despite the obnoxious title, it's a great book which goes into the details of how to form good relationships with people and always leave a good impression in people's minds.
> but I feel like weddings and baby showers are to be expected as part of a local body of Christ
The issue with this is that means weddings would always be huge, not even including the friends and extended family of the bride and groom. Same issue with baby showers.
What kind of things do you invite them out to? How many people are joining with? The best way to make friends is through one on one interaction, or small groups of people (like 3-6).
At the end of the day its possible you and them just don't mesh. It's nothing against you or them. You happen to attend the same church, it's very possible you have little or nothing in common with many/most of the people there. The most success I've had at making friends through church, etc. is by doing non-church things and making memories together. Bible studies and Sunday mornings are good, but those aren't the things that make lasting bonds and impressions on people other than surface level friendships.
Maybe try How to Win Friends and Influence People. It can be a very helpful book to meeting people and forming lasting relationships. Not all the info is incredibly helpful, but a lot is.
A big part of being a good conversationalist is asking questions of the person that would make them want to talk about themselves. Humans are greedy and self-centered. If you can capitalize on letting them do the things they naturally want to do without making them feel like they are doing either of those things (display greed/self-centered mentality) they will like you, even if they don't know why. Humans (for the most part) want to be the center of attention when the audience is small, this becomes less true as the crowd size increases for some reason (obviously not true for everyone). How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie is a bit outdated, but a good start if you would like to change your ability to hold a conversation.
Are you familiar with Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People? In it he postulates that "the desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals." He claims that no matter what, a core trait of all human beings is this ever-present need to feel a sense of empowerment derived from one's environment; whether it be from other people, within themselves, animals, etc. (If my paraphrasing/interpretation from the book is correct).
It is my observation that you are driven by this very principle, just as every other human is. However, the way you attain this feeling of importance and the manner in which you experience it is different for you, since you lack emotion. This is interesting to me.
My questions to you:
1) Are you familiar with Dale Carnegie's book? (As asked above).
2) Do you really feel complete superiority to all other humans, even those who can be measured as greatly superior to others by means such as wealth, scientific achievement, social position, photographic memory, etc? Or is your feeling of superiority more like a spectrum, where you may feel less superior to some (or even inferior) based on observing someones wealth, ingenuity, artistry, etc.
3) Could you ever see yourself as equal to a human that feels emotions? Possibly respect someone who has learned to control their emotions in an effective way, thus distinguishing themselves from the 'common' person?
Thank you!
One of the best things I can tell you is to test things out yourself. Try an approach for a few days and see how people respond. One easy way to do this is just journal on your experiences during the day each night. Nothing fancy, just a few minutes at night. PM me and I can give you a more detailed breakdown to make it simpler.
Other than that one of the best resources I've found was Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People..
I do some coaching on the side too.
If you want more resources/have more questions just PM me! If you're interested in a short coaching session too we can set that up.
You wordsmith, op! I really enjoyed the way you phrased that post.
Anyway, on topic. Your value to another person is finite to what you can/do provide them. Every interaction is! Every person has unique things that they want you to provide them in a friendship, I can safely assume that even you have qualities that you seek in a friend. The only way to make friends is to find people who value the qualities that you can provide, otherwise a friendship cannot happen. A common quality that people (including myself) value is a sense of humor, the ability to make the person laugh.
To find friends, ask yourself these questions.
1) What qualities of mine could someone value?
2) Who are the people who would enjoy these qualities?
3) Where can I find these people?
You may also like to read this book. I cannot recommend it enough for people in your position!
If you are stuck or need any help in the future, you may always PM me and I'll help you where I can. Best of luck!
The best books come from outside the scene. How to Win Friends & Influence People will be the best book for him, especially since it will tail into his career aspirations and he can look to you as the sole source of that wisdom. Don't care about his game, care about yours and hitching a ride on his coattails could be your ticket to fat stacks.
Most of the PUA authors are fucking charlatans.
I started a team just before the Archimedes Cup, and played S20 with'em. Ended up with severe TF2 burnout and eventually stood down from team leadership, leaving someone else in charge.
Avoid doing everything by yourself. Have people in charge of things: timekeeping, match arrangements, recruitment etc. Doing everything by yourself eventually leads to having more time-consuming duties than enjoyment of the game, at least in my case it did. Take care so it doesn't happen to you.
Internal team politics is also a PITA to do, especially roster management, bringing people in and out of the main roster and giving people feedback. I recommend [link], it reads a bit as a self-help book, but is actually full of really interesting and effective stuff.
No, it's your tone and the way you address people.
You don't tell people they're wrong like that - nothing good will ever come of it, dude's just gonna see red. Go read How to win friends and influence people
It's actually quite good and can possibly prevent situations like this.
This is the best book I have read in the past two years. Ill add your book to my summer reading!
Hey OP check- first off, I'm an a bit on the shy side too, especially around people I don't know. Here's a book that helped me:
It basically teaches you the art of small talk and how to make friends quickly. It's great for bars, but also just life in general.
Good for you buddy, you sounds a lot like me when I was your age. I'm not much older 27. Sorry about giving unsolicited advice but ...If you keep that attitude and aren't afraid to fail you will do just fine. Remember you're going to need grit. Also network with as many people as you can in college. The people you know will be your biggest advantage in life, and there's no better place to meet people then College. Also this book helps: [link] Wish you the best /u/penis_warrior Also ... sooner or later you're going to want to have a more "localcasestudy" sounding username ... those things tend to follow you around the internet ... :P
How long have you been there? Give it some time.
Have you read this?
It's not so much that you need to fit in, but more that you need to stand out. Why don't you try introverting for a bit and working on yourself? Your confidence is now lacking and you need to raise yourself up. Are you meditating? What hobbies can you get involved in at school that you enjoy that will allow you to meet the type of people you do want to be around? Not every single person in the new school is the same.
>> Are you being intentionally dense?
Congrats, this was actually pretty funny.
>You are saying the Confederate flag is a sign of "anti-Americanism" because it celebrates an act of treason, correct?
Yes
An act of treason is a crime against the government, correct?
Technically I believe it is a crime against the state.
>The "America" in "anti-Americanism" must mean the American government, correct?
No it could mean against American people/Western Values, but Ill play along, sure.
>My point is "anti-American" is a bullshit term used to stigmatize anyone who does not have blind intelligence to the state that... poisons it's own soldiers... kills kids in drone strikes...
What the fuck are you talking about? Wtf is blind intellegence? I am not a defender of US foreign policy but We arent bombing people just because they are "anti-American". We are bombing members of terrorist organizations other die as collateral damage. This is not the same as killing children because they dont like America.
>PS I went as one of the twin towers for Halloween, and everyone loved it when the other tower got set on fire.
Well, thats in terrible taste. Are your friends jihadists by chance?
But unless you were actively also going around telling everyone you support al Queda and saying things like "death to America", I wouldnt call that a fair analagy just poor judgement.
Not sure where you are going with this. No one is anti first Amendment. But just because you have the right to say whatever you want doesnt mean others cant or shouldnt marginalize you for what you say. He was not advocating for making the flag actually criminal which is why you and the other commenter were downvotes.
> Are you being intentionally dense?
You are saying the Confederate flag is a sign of "anti-Americanism" because it celebrates an act of treason, correct? An act of treason is a crime against the government, correct? The "America" in "anti-Americanism" must mean the American government, correct?
My point is "anti-American" is a bullshit term used to stigmatize anyone who does not have blind intelligence to the state that... poisons it's own soldiers... kills kids in drone strikes...
PS I went as one of the twin towers for Halloween, and everyone loved it when the other tower got set on fire.
This is the best resource I can think of: [link]
The only way for a person to actually kill a movement is to persuade the people who're in/leading it that they're wrong. One of the big errors used today is to use public shaming as a deterrent -- public shaming will never change a person's belief, but only their actions. Nor is any amount of suppression enough, as the British learned around 1776. You have to convince people why your side is better. Until then people will not change their ways.
It's a skill. You have to work to develop it. Consider starting with <u>How to Win Friends and Influence People</u> by Dale Carengie as a starting place. It's old, but not out of date. Definitely not some panacea, but it gets you thinking about how to act around other people, and gets you thinking about empathy. It's all about empathy.
> I feel like I'm rocking a really stellar resting bitch face, which I'd really like to get past.
This probably sounds weird but on the way to any event or place where I want to be more social I hold a smile for like 5-10 minutes. And I listen to "happier" music. Classic rock is great for that.
Therapy too.
Then there's always this classic book
You are declaring yourself a winner of a Reddit comment debate. Really dude? Don't you have a Paralympics to be at somewhere?
This might help you not be such a troll in the future:
EDIT: In case you didn't read the sideboard, Sexism isn't allowed here. Who the fuck implies women can't argue?
Shit man, it's hard to make friends. For alot of people at least. I've struggled with the same sort of issue and what helped me out was some of the ideas contained within Dale Carnegie's book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'. For some people, the concepts he discusses are no-brainer, common sense items. For more introverted ppl like me, it helped me to understand what I was and wasn't doing in my approach to meeting new people - or carrying on with existing friendships. It's worth a read and maybe will give you a better perspective.
Only other thought I have to offer is that there is a generalized stigma that IT professionals do not know how to speak to non-technical people well. I've observed this in the wild from time to time. So something like this book might apply:
> My problem isn't meeting people, but talking to them once I meet them.
This is going to sound corny but "How to win friends and influence people" is a magnificent book.
I've never really had an issue talking to people, but after reading this book and employing the strategies my entire experience changed. It was the difference between my attendance at social events being expected to people demanding it.
While I agree it is likely his boss will fire him it is probably a mistake to do so.
There is a bit about firing people in the book How to Win Friends and Influence People (everyone should read it) that covers things like this.
The tl;dr version is the OP is both extremely unlikely to ever make this mistake again and if given a stay of execution is likely to work especially hard and careful.
If he messes up again then that is a pattern of carelessness and should be fired but a second chance in this case is best for everyone.
Public shaming will only lead to a contentious result. I second reading the book. It's helped me a lot with similar workers.
Don't worry. You're not alone. Remember, it's about getting the job done, not about making yourself look good or feel powerful which is what public shaming really is...
On the contrary, if you want a person to like you, you have to be genuinely interested in the person (like the manual says.... but seriously, it's a tremendous read).
How to Win Friends & Influence People
I haven't read this yet (though I do own it) because I'm lazy and consider myself an already super friendly person, BUT I've heard nothing but good things about it and it's got 4.5 stars with 4,000 votes.
Check it out if you wanna try and get better, or don't if you don't wanna. You're an adult, live your life
Part of being a good friend is learning how to relate to others. You may not find their jokes hilarious, but it never hurts to take an interest in others. Especially if you want to have more meaningful conversations.
I also recommend you read a book on social etiquette from 100 years ago call "How to win Friend and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Check the library at your school, they probably have a copy, also it is an old book so take it with a grain of salt.
Without leaving my house, I grabbed a legal textbook entitled "Managers and the Legal Environment, Strategies for the 21st Century, Fifth Edition" by Bagley and Savage. I have this from the business law class I took in graduate school. I flipped to Unit 3 (Human Resources), Chapter 12 (The Employment Agreement). On the bottom of page 449 it talks about the employers obligations under the NLRA. Section 7 of the NLRA enumerates protected activities, including the one we're discussing, and section 8(a)(1) of the NLRA makes it illegal for an employer to interfere with the exercise of those rights.
So, I've cited a government website, a legal textbook I already had in my house, and you're trying to call me illiterate. While we're discussing skill shortages and good reading materials, I'd strongly recommend you pick up a copy of this. I read it in high school, and have referred it to several colleagues who struggled with relating to other people, and all of us have found it very helpful. From what I gather, you could get a lot of benefit from it.
Put this at the top of your reading list: "How to Wind Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie [link]
When you're constantly outside of your comfort zone it gets easier. Try new things and have new experiences. Even if it means walking a different way to work or trying a new food. Get out of the same frame of mind and routine. Don't over think it and mind fuck yourself.
I feel like i am an introvert who learned how to be an extrovert. I'm 33 and in sales now.
I would just try to talk to as many people as you can. Sometimes just small talk with strangers and about the weather while in line at Starbucks or something. You'd be surprised how many conversations you can start just by observing people, and what they're wearing. You can sometimes see what their hobbies are or something they're into or any common ground.
Remember the acronym FORD.
-family -occupation -recreation -dreams
Those are topics you can always talk to people you know about. Don't ask yes or no close ended questions. Most conversations can be you just asking the right questions that let people talk and you listen. People will start opening up to you if you ask the right questions. Be genuinely interested. If you aren't move on. You don't always have to force things. 1/3 of people will love you, 1/3 of people will hate you and 1/3 of people will be indifferent.
I would recommend this classic dale carnagie book.
How to Win Friends & Influence People [link]
I think joining clubs and groups you have interest in is good for you too. That way you have common ground with people and you can use that to get to know people.
One thing is for sure. If you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same results.
The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
Getting to become rich is about being persistent, lucky, smart, and having the right attitude.
Smart, learn how to teach yourself, learn beyond the scope of the limitations of your school. A school is just a baseline for education. Being smart is learning how to teach yourself how to learn and how to utilize that and grow upon that.
Persistent: keep following your dream while also being smart about it. Adjust it so that you can make money about it. When you think you failed, that's the time to buckle down and figure out how to make it work so that it gets you money.
The drive for success is the right attitude. Negative attitudes like why you can't do something is a selffulfilling prophecy. You must always think of why you can do something and keep striving for that.
Luck: Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, Michael Bloomberg, Original Wallmart Founder These selfmade Billionares were in the right place at the right time. They used their smart, persistence, and attitude to take that luck and build upon it.
Learn how to talk with people. How to make them talk with you. Emotional Intelligence is very important in being successful because at the end of the day you are selling product to people. You need to understand how to attract people. Look and see how very popular people inspire people based on their words. President Obama did so with his message of Hope and Change. President Trump did so with his message of America First. Regardless of the success and failure of these presidents being able to talk the language of people is important part of success.
Don't be offended when people reject you. They will.
Old classic for the basics [link]
May not be what you're asking for, but I would suggest reading. I recently bought [link] to help improve my social skills. God knows my social life was destroyed by gyno, hopefully not you too. You're gonna feel a lot better about yourself after they take off the bandages. You'll realize life isn't as bad as you thought. At least in my experience. Get a headstart if youre up for it!
The pain and medication turned me off and started playing fallout 4 for the first time and I'm having a blast! I wished I stuck through with the plan, but it's hard to put the control down lol.
I hope its everything you wanted man. Goodluck!
It's worked for me before. Yea they might not tell you how they really feel at the time. Like the situation you described, but then again that's high school. By talking to them the perception that you care what they think will help get the ball rolling in the right direction to build a better relationship. Edit: Btw here's a good book that you should check out if you haven't yet. [link]
Hello, as someone who moved states and went to a new high school without knowing anybody, I know how you feel. Read this book: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Read the Amazon reviews. It is a wonderful book and it changed my life. I'm not in high school anymore but it really helped develop friends that I still talk to today. I actually just picked up a brand new copy so I can reread it again.
"P.S." You're never going win any converts with that snarky-ass remark.
I agree that people increasingly need to have the mindset that personal responsibility plays a role in global climate change. You, however, are not being an advocate. You're being a twat.
Dale Carnegie: How To Win Friends And Influence People read it. Don't be a twat.
Dude you seem genuinely unstable, maybe you should see a therapist. Also reading this book wouldn't hurt either. Good luck with your severe emotional issues :)
Every single one of those factors you listed, including approaching women, requires practice.
I'd start by reading How to Win Friends and Influence People in its entirety. Start this tonight. It goes well beyond women and even though the examples are dated it's an excellent starting point.
It's good that you have your life together, but if you're this desperate and lonely, I'd suggest getting yourself a solid social circle of valuable friends before focusing on meeting women. If you don't have that, you'll have a very hard time getting over the neediness, insecurities, and jealousy that you're experiencing around girls.
Furthermore, if you value your lifestyle so little that the validation of women has this much power over you, it's time to expand your perspective or try some new things.
Finally, you must step outside your comfort zone to get better. There simply isn't any way around this. You can read and watch all the theory you want, but the first time you properly approach a woman is still going to feel uncomfortable. That's a totally normal human response. The thing is, it's the fastest way to improve in that regard.
Before you start cold-approaching complete strangers, get your social circle in line and start leveraging it to your advantage. Make female friends and participate in social events that involve other girls as well. Have the friends you already know bring other friends of theirs that you can meet. This is much more effective and lower-pressure than cold-approaching outright.
I've had some bad luck with friendship in that whenever I start to get really close with someone they end up moving to another city. I have a small group of friends now and my best friend is once again moving away and I realize that I really am needing some friends. I am a little awkward as well and it isn't easy. One thing that seems to be helping me lately is working out. I have started lifting weights for about 5 hours a week and its been about 3 months and I feel like a different person: more confident, more energy, and a strong desire to be around other people. I think one of the hardest parts to making friends is expressing confidence and not being afraid to go up to people and invite them to things. Pretty much every friend I've made since high school became my friend because they invited me to something and I said yes. It's never the other way around and I think that's something I need to change. So, my second piece of advice is to start inviting people to stuff. Just asking a coworker or aquintance to grab a beer is a great way to open up. Third, get used to rejection. My therapist even had me intentionally get rejected regularly to get used to it. For example, go into a store and ask if you could have an item for half off for no reason, and have them say no to you. It's super awkward and weird but you get used to it. Finally, you may want to work on social skills. Spend less time online, spend more time outside with others. Put yourself out there and get involved in a local charity, meet up, hobby, or other group. Maybe try reading some books on how to make friends. I've heard this one is great: [link]
Okay, so I hope that helps. I need to put this to practice myself because its time I learn how to initiate some friendships. Good luck! Like anything important in life, it takes work but if you are willing to put in the time it will happen.
> I can always be a better programmer, I can't change who I am.
of course you can. Charisma is just another "skill" when you think about it. A skill that involves knowing how to make yourself seem engaging to others. this book is one of the standard places to start.
of course, there is a difference between "can" and "desire to". If you feel like doing this is "selling yourself out", then I understand.
I wasn’t joking, when someone threatens to hurt themselves I take it seriously. I really hope things will work out for you. I don’t think you are weird, and I am sure you’ll find love hopefully soon. A book that changed my life and may help you too is: [link]
All the best!
I'm really interested in what you said about not being able to communicate with your team leads. Can you expand on that for us? What specifically makes it hard for you to communicate with them?
I ask this only because...there's an activity I participated in during high school and college that I believe is responsible for most of my salary growth over my career. Know what it is? Speech and Debate.
Being able to communicate with anyone effectively is an incredibly valuable skill that you should work on. And I think you are correct that it's harming your career not to be able to do that.
As an initial recommendation, the book How to Win Friends and Influence People is a classic that will get you started.
Some people like Toast Masters, but that's specifically about public speaking, and I'm not a fan. I'm talking about learning how to effectively communicate with anyone, no matter who they are.
That is definitely a cause. People can see right through your attempts at ingratiating yourself towards them, and it feels plastic and fake.
You should focus more on yourself, make yourself likeable, rather than make people like you. I'd recommend [Dale Carnegie's Book][link]).
[link]. Read it follow it and you may just become a Republican. It going to take some time to undo the damage you’ve done in the past but stick to it and you will prosper. Or get it on audible.
These are very bigoted and divisive characterizations of a huge population of people.
Vitriolic statements like these will never win anyone over to your way of thinking.
Read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnege. Take notes. Put it into action.
And now my standard "You're Going Out on Your Own" list:
Learn to feed yourself. Budget, meal plan, shop, prep, cook, clean up. The more ways you can manipulate basic ingredients, the happier you will be. If you're not already doing this once a week for your family, start now.
Learn to clean your space. Keep your room neat and orderly. Make your bed every morning. Dust, vacuum etc. Pick up after yourself. Clean your bathroom. Clean the kitchen (sans dishwasher.) Pick up after yourself.
Do the laundry. Know how to remove common stains. Go to a laundromat and understand how to navigate that environment.
Develop a morning and evening routine and stick to it. Rise early, prep for your day, leave your space clean. End your day in a similar manner - get off screens, make your to do list for tomorrow, wind down. Make your getting up time and going to bed time consistent each day. Include your personal study time in either (or both) routine.
Also, this is worth every penny but I think you can find a free pdf somewhere online. IMO it's the single most important career book out there (non-technical) for just about anyone.
I really hope the best for you girl!
There is a beautiful person growing inside of you. Work to be the person you want to be, not what anyone else wants you to be.
I want to recommend you this book, I used to be afraid of people and out of all the self help books I sought this was by far the best.
You don’t have to take my opinion of it either, read the reviews, it has helped many people with social issues find the tools they need to become a better persons.
How to Win Friends & Influence People
At the end of the day, when you know you’ve done the best you can, it can be easier to move on and do better.
As I have posted before, I recommend reading “how to win friends and influence people”.
Get interests/hobbies and socialize in safe environments. Work on being an affable person and display the best of you. Good way to build the foundation for long term relationships. I have only one blind date on my track record and did not work well. Been in 5 relationships (married for 10+ years now), and all of them developed naturally by first getting to know them before romance developed. First relationship was with worldly girl who jumped on me lol :-) I knew her very well beforehand. I was 21, and growing up a JW it kick started my ability to approach women. The JW girls I was with later on were nut cases one way or the other..
Good luck & Don’t give up :-)
Well for starters don’t refer to their significant other as “their human” it’s disrespectful and just weird.
Just be honest and not attacking to them.
Ask them if they can think of any solutions to the situation. Try the ear plugs but don’t talk to them about them. Have them lead the effort to correct the problem.
Read this life changing book
This book will teach you have to solve most problems that involve other people
I've heard amazing things about Toastmasters!
You should definitely check out the books How to Win Friends and Influence People
A short review from The Art of Manliness:
This is not a Dr. Phil self-help book. Citing intimate examples from the likes of Rockefeller, Charles Schwab and FDR, this comprehensive guide is all about how to get ahead in business, relationships and life. Read one chapter a day for the rest of your life. It will make you a far better man than you would ever be without it.
keep on the no-fapping train! the first days are usually really hard and keep your mood at the bottom, but about 4 days in you will start to notice a silver strip on the horizon. I was so fucking depressed that i wasn't even motivated to start a game...
anyway, you say that you don't have anyone to make feel good. You have to interact with other people, unless you lock yourself into a room for all the time. Drop a compliment at work, or when you are buying some stuff at the groceries. tell them your are satisfied with their service or whatever, compliment people for their work... this will make em smile and you will feel good for making em smile. plus they will most likely remember you as a nice person. have you read Dale Carnergies How to win friends and influence people? it's a great book that tells you how other people will react if you say certain things to them, mostly basic stuff you should already know, but actively knowing about the obvious reactions helped me a lot. There are also some basic psychological tricks, but despite the title, they will not help you find real friends ;)
Kiddo (I say that, having been there/done that years ago), a simple trick to overcoming that sense of being socially awkward is to pretend that you're not. I'm serious. If you act the way a person you'd like to be would act, you'll become that person--at least, as far as everyone else can tell.
See, college really does offer you a fresh start. No one knows you. And the only one causing you to behave a certain way is you.
As others here have said, find something you like to do and do it. If there are no clubs celebrating what you like, make one.
Don't hate me if I recommend this book. The ideas in it really, truly work. I learned this some years back when I started doing them without actually having read it.
You can do this. You really can. Believe in yourself. Like your dad believes in you. Like you want to.
If I had more upvotes and a boat, I'd give them all to you. I'm currently reading How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie. He spends a fare amount of time on this exact topic. The idea is that it's human nature to talk and expand our own egos. He mentions several examples where all he does is show the initial interest and then listen to the person for a period of time and by the end of it they were thanking him and telling how great of a conversationalist he is.
Thank you! Let me know how it’s received.
P.S. For dealing with MAGA family members, I’d highly recommend reading this article and even more highly recommend the book How to Win Friends and Influence People. It’s one of the best primers on dealing with people ever written, and you’ll find ways to apply it every single day.
At your age, imho the best way to use money to 'leave a dreadful job someday' would be to invest it in yourself. With that I mean using it for training / study purposes to land yourself a better job.
At your age I took (paid) courses on freelancing, salary negotiations, etc. I also read a shitton of books to gain both hard and soft-skills. While your time is probably the most restricted asset, money could be useful to get to the good stuff quicker. I know many of these things can be found for free, but sometimes diplomas are just a necessity to start in a new field.
But seriously... life is to short to not at least somewhat enjoy work.
Sometimes all it takes to enjoy a job is simply doing the same thing in a better environment, sometimes it requires new skills that can be easily acquired through training, sometimes it requires finding an entirely new career path.
Find out what you do like about your job and see how you can have more of that. And I'm saying this as someone who's saving up for early retirement at some point in the future. I enjoy my job... I just enjoy doing other things more.
Edit: Here's two books to get you started. I'd say either get them from the library, or use 0.2% of your savings to just buy them ;-)
- General life advice on how to 'work with people' (a.k.a. influence them) : How to win friends and influence people, this book is old, but contains lots of wisdom still applicable today. This book is probably the most influential book I've read and it probably helped me more in my career than I can even imagine. My only regret is not picking it up five to ten years earlier.
- What motivates people: I liked Drive by Daniel Pink. To me it's mostly 'common knowledge' by now... but if you don't know what motivates you, it'll probably help.
I learnt to game socialising really early on. I learnt (mechanically sometimes) how to mirror people, how to ask open ended questions, how to be charming (listen more than you talk) etc.
I put on my "doing things" armour and I pop around the shops, chatting and smiling to acquaintances, the checkout lady, the lass at the bakery and the bloke who runs the grocer. I smile when I answer the phone... I used to play a game when I worked a checkout, that if someone came up in a bad mood, that I would have them smiling by the end of their transaction. I call it "being fluffy".
I'm NOT fluffy :) Even slightly :) But you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And the world is full of unhappiness and shitty behaviour, and I undo it where I can. Most of the time.
So the point is, you need a functioning persona who is fluffy. Learn it mechanically if you have to. You can then enjoy having a chat with your hairdresser, some random at a party, the lady next to you on the bus, the lonely old lady who comes into the shop; without it touching you, affecting you, or exhausting you.
I can count on the fingers of one hand the people I can have utterly uncensored conversations with. Both hands if I take out the woo :) I have fairly extreme Spiritual and Political opinions :)
So look at books like "How To Win Friends and Influence People" - you might think its a hokey as shit (it is :) - but read it anyway. Look at the other books Amazon recommends when you look it up The Fine Art Of Small Talk for example. Click on the ranking guides for Bestselling Conversation Guides... It just.... almost an acting class... It helps you to glide through the small, frustrating, unfulfilling conversations that make up most of your everyday life. They just wash over you, because it is an alter ego dealing with them, not you.
If you come across someone with a bit more spark in them, drop something a bit deeper, a bit meatier. Look for events like "Philosophy in the Pub" or Poetry readings where you're more likely to meet deep and meaningful people :)
I have "tells". I talk about angels (everybody loves angels), Extinction Rebellion, Regeneration 2040, that we're in a Mercury retrograde, that my husband had to salt his office door against an HR troll... I'm looking for witchy marxists, basically :) :)
But ONE of these things, not all of them. If I get a snort, or disquiet, or even a blank look I back right off. But every now and then, someone goes "Yeah really messy against this background eclipse season and with Neptune squaring Jupiter" and I know I've hit a tribe member :)
Think of the things you love having deep conversations about, and build "lures" to drop into conversations. That way, when someone responds positively, you'll have found someone that you can build a more intimate rapport with.
I find with people I can actually talk to, I find ways to see them more often :) I've just found out that one of my bellydancing friends is really into tarot. I'm already plotting some sort of event I can invite her to :) Possibly a Storytelling event by candlelight, or a Sound Healing. You'll know these people when you hit them !! Find some way of staying in touch !
Well that's my 2000 words for the day :) I hope I haven't talked your ear off and that some of it is useful !
RE: "Again, some nerd, please put this in a spreadsheet for me"
Your persuasive powers are really remarkable. You're a regular <strong>Dale Carnegie</strong> aren't you?
You know I wish I was better at articulating how to improve in that aspect. It'll naturally be easier for some and more difficult for others but it's a skill anyone can learn, it just takes some time. Here is some off the top of my head:
- Start with this book. I religiously follow this book and re-read it quite often, I'd say it was the biggest game changer for me. Follow all the rules in it.
- Talk to people a lot. Sounds silly but spend a lot of time just casually talking with people. Try and get a feel for how to make others comfortable, and how to relate with others. My most successful interviews were the ones where my interviewer and I were laughing by the end.
- One big tip that stands out that is more useful at work than interviewing is that people love to talk about themselves. Learn what kind of questions you can ask that get people to open up. A good way to build a relationship with someone early on is to get them talking about themselves, they'll subconsciously like you more - it's weird
- Another big tip that's worked well for me is always use someones name when talking to them for the first little bit, and still continue to use it later. It'll help you remember, but most importantly is that it makes people feel good. And if you forgot after they introduced themselves, for the love of god ask, it's okay.
- Try and get a feel for when you shouldn't engage. A lot of it is body language or something you can get after the first sentence or two. Whether it's someone you haven't talked to before or someone you know well, either way if someone isn't interested in talking don't do it. If you get an interviewer who seems all business and not the type to joke around with a bit, don't do it.
- This is one I'm stealing from the book because it's really important: "I will speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody" - Benny Franklin. I implore you to read the book to find out why, but this one is super important.
Those are some off the top of my head. I'd seriously recommend to book, amongst others. I've found a combination of reading books like that and just talking with people as much as I can has done the job - you have to put all the theory into practice after all.
Good on you for asking for more; this stuff is really useful. All my best interviews were the ones where I was really able to resonate with the interviewer. I got some of those interviews because I had references from former coworkers that really fought for me because we were on such good terms in the workplace. Hope this helped!
I went through a social metamorphosis during my sophomore year of college. I was totally shut in during freshman year and made minimal friends, so sophomore year I made a conscious effort to connect with more people. Here's my experience.
Don't let this deter you, but making close friends is time consuming. Connecting with people means both of you need to build on your similarities which means both of you need to be vulnerable and open up about yourselves and that takes trust - and trust takes time to build. Even if you meet someone that you instantly click with, you'll need to spend at least a couple intimate hours discovering and connecting upon your similarities.
Although it takes time, I think it is a pretty easy task. Opening up about myself was tough at first, so I would invest in the other person. People love to talk about themselves, so I would ask the other person a lot of questions. The first question I asked would be literally anything - the weather, something they're wearing, something they're doing, something that's happening - anything. Luckily this was on my college campus where I shared a lot of similarities with the people around me so finding a conversation starter wasn't too challenging. After that I would listen intently and ask specific follow-up questions to keep them going. In the beginning of my social shift I would say about 80% of these conversations would be them talking and 20% would be me reacting and asking more questions. I was pretty shy still so this worked really well. As I got more practice I would be able to find small moments to share my own views or tell a quick story about myself. Although it was uncomfortable at first and my delivery wasn't always James Bond-esque, I found that people were almost always pleasantly surprised that someone would take genuine interest in their lives. Overtime this process became much easier as I built self-confidence and became more charismatic.
So my advice is to start by asking other people questions about themselves and opening up whenever/wherever/however you're comfortable. Initiating conversation can be daunting at first, but fight through it and it will become easier. I think being in high school should help since you already know these people and you already have predetermined social events where you can reconnect rather than having to fumble through exchanging contact info and setting up a time/place to meet again.
And of course, these are not just random people you occasionally socialize with - these are your new friends - so be sure to put in an effort in trying to build and maintain these connections. I try to do small, selfless things that remind my friends that I'm here for them and I care about them. Things like remembering birthdays, remembering their life events and following up about them, sending them a text asking hey how you doing every now and then, etc. People really appreciate small stuff like that.
Further resources that helped me:
That's what How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie is all about.
Read this book. Holy crap it changed my life.
How to Win Friends & Influence People [link]
Do you read?
There's a book from 1936 (yeah.. it's that old, but people are people, they don't change a lot), that will help you with a lot of the things you're currently having trouble with. It might not solve your issues of self worth, but it will make your interactions with others better understood and probably more enjoyable - and that in itself might even be enough to boost your feelings of self worth.
You wouldn't have to worry about not being likable anymore, because you know you are being likable and others will let you know you are. Introvert or not, it's very possible to study human relationships and get better at them.
At the very least, take the time to read some of the reviews on Amazon and the Wikipedia page. And if you're not into reading, you could consider the audio book instead.
>I read this yesterday and it terrified me. To the point where I considered dropping this whole MRP business and walking away, rather than facing my fear.
Congratulations on facing your fear. Do you want a medal or a chest to pin it on?
​
> So let's say you were starting a social life from scratch. Where would you begin?
I was at the gym a few weeks ago and a guy I know there told me it was his last day at the gym. He was still on linear progression and making great gains, so I asked him why. He told me that money was tight and his wife didn't want him to keep spending $35/month for a gym membership. Clearly she has his balls, money, and everything else. But as pathetic as he is, he still knows how to make friends.
I have another acquaintance that is the most beta man I can imagine. His first wife cheated on him. He still got divorce raped. He got married again. He didn't consummate his second marriage for nearly a year after the wedding. And he still managed to get divorce raped on that one too. Guess what? He still knows how to make friends.
No one is going to hold your hand on this.
I've moved cross country multiple times. Look for other people that are transplants (not from there). They are generally looking to expand their social circle more than those that have lived there for 20 years. Get to know your neighbors. Invite kids over from your pre-school. Talk to their parents. Host birthday parties. Swap baby-sitting with them. Go to church. Take classes in something. Use meetup.com. Be interesting.
​
> As far as future reading... I'm at a bit of a loss right now. Any suggestions?
How about
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034
or maybe
> But as pathetic as he is, he still knows how to make friends. > > Guess what? He still knows how to make friends. > > No one is going to hold your hand on this.
Harsh but true. I'm feeling rather pathetic right now.
> Look for other people that are transplants (not from there). They are generally looking to expand their social circle more than those that have lived there for 20 years.
Lots and lots of transplants in my city, that shouldn't be too hard.
> Get to know your neighbors.
I've actually gotten quite good at avoiding our neighbors since moving into our house 1.5 years ago. I can count on one hand the number of interactions I've had with them. For the most part they seem older (50+), probably because it's the most expensive part of the community. Probably the easiest way to meet people, but probably not the kind of people I'm looking for.
> Invite kids over from your pre-school. Talk to their parents. Host birthday parties. Swap baby-sitting with them.
This is more promising. They would at least be around the right age and we have something in common. The issue here is that I rarely go to their school. My wife is a SAHM and handles the pickups and dropoffs. I'll need to find a way to get more involved.
> Go to church.
I'm atheist, but I suppose if I get desperate it could be a good way to meet people...
> Take classes in something. Use meetup.com. Be interesting.
I took language classes throughout my early 20's and met some great people that way. The issue here is time. I can barely find time to lift and I would categorize that as more important than doing things to meet people and become more interesting.
Reading back over the above, it looks like I just vomited out a bunch of excuses for how I'll never become more social. I have some major ego protection / fear avoidance going on here. Clearly I have more work to do on unfucking myself. My inner game is still pretty shit if I feel overwhelming anxiety about speaking with my neighbors.
> How about > > [link]
Thanks, I'll start listening to this one. Somehow I missed it on the sidebar.
> All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten
Can't tell if you're serious or not. The book's description is very vague on Amazon.
This book is phenomenal.
How to Win Friends & Influence People [link]
I highly recommend reading two books asap:
These two books have both shaped me tremendously in terms of how I interact with an treat people and making those changes has only changed my life for the better both in business and personally. The first one is a more positive restore your faith in humanity type and the second is a more ruthless Machiavellian type but they both take an insightful look at people and how they influence each other. They also can both help guide you in decision making in certain situations.
Other than that, just relax, enjoy the ride, and do your best. Confidence is key.
Bonus book (nerd alert)
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Go out and make friends, go to local events etc. No need for magic for this.
Two books:
Both of those books helped me deal with people and advance my career both financially and socially.
NAH
You just descried me and quite a few other teens when we were that age. Divergent interests are a thing, and you're absolutely not an asshole for the reasons of:
You take great pains to not make the other parties feel uncomfortable
You actually have the self consciousness to ask a question like this in the first place.
The judgment aside, it sounds like you're more introverted, and your friends/acquaintances are more extroverted. There's nothing wrong with this - it's your personality and developed over time. Extroverts tend to enjoy communication with others more, even if that communication is phatic or not substantial or meaningful. Just socializing. Being with others. The fact that they're doing this with you means that they probably enjoy having you around.
Small talk is a skill that can be learned, it just comes more naturally to some people rather than others. Killing off that anxiety will probably help more than anything. If I were in your position, I'd get a copy of How to win friends and influence people and take the advice it gives to heart - the book is a classic for a reason.
Also look up Toastmasters and see if they have a chapter near you - it's a training group for public speaking. Both of these will go a great way to dispelling that anxious feeling.
Good luck!
You've caught yourself at an opportune time. You're just starting to feel the itch of monotony, so you have the chance to change it, but ahh, what a challenge that can be. Instead of thinking of terms of X or Y, can you expand your world view to include the adult you'd like to be?
Part of that is finding yourself amongst emotional and psychological instability. It's tough living with your parents, but people have done it before. What can you change at the present time to bring yourself to form? An example would be, you can start paying rent. It might not be much, but suddenly you have the rights of a tenant. What about setting a routine? Now you can say yes or no to your parents, pursuant to your responsibility. I'm happy you mentioned patience; they did a study over the course of many years, by first testing the patience of children. The ones that were most successful later in life where the ones who were most patient.
As we grow into adults, this patience becomes a complex psychological matter. A part of you could be patient, but another part could be anxious, two energies opposing one another. Most career-minded people would tell you to wait two years before finding a new job, to help with your resume. Patience can't be strained or forced into existence, but learned through a sort of 'undoing,' it's the inactivity inherent in activity. Note that.
I would say start by creating a rough idea of who you'd like to be. Rough because we often find ourselves chasing an image we have of who we think we should be, instead of focusing on the characteristics and traits we would like to develop. If you want to be more social, don't start acting how you think social is, but develop what your status as a social person is. I've heard many people on Reddit recommend this book. Read it, and go out for drinks once a week. Challenge yourself consistently but slowly, and don't be down about failure - the nice thing about something like that is every week it's either a new set of people or a new bar.
This applies to everything. If your job isn't all that great, find friends among your coworkers that make it bearable, Develop a hobby, again, slowly and with patience, outside of work that prepares you for your next job, something you love. There's numerous things that may have never occurred to you.
Search around on Reddit if you'd like. If you have a little spare cash, check out r/malefashionadvice if you're male. If you can, save up some and travel a little bit, check out the travel sub-reddits. Explore!
I'm happy to have encouraged you! My wife says she doesn't have the best people skills (I believe she's being hard on herself), but the fact remains that if she can survive the environment even when she believes that about herself, you have the chance to do well even if you see yourself that way. But it's good that you say you're working on building better people skills. People skills are going to help you in so many aspects of your life in addition to helping you land a job and keep your job. These two books are, in my opinion, essential reading in establishing connections with people and maintaining healthy relationships. I'm sure there are many others, but these are two that come to mind.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
The Boundaries books uses illustrations from church culture and Biblical references, but whether or not that's your bag it has invaluable advice—especially for NFs, imo.
You don't build character to be interesting to others. You build character to be interesting to yourself. When you learn to genuinely like yourself, you won't be concerned if others find you interesting or not. And ironically, that's when girls find you interesting. It took me years to really understand this, so good luck.
Anyway, these books have all the advice you need. The rest is up to you:
- How to Win Friends and Influence People
- How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
Then he should buy this book
Yes - you can learn how to be social. Read [link]
Give Carnegie a try: [link]
Seriously.
No, I'm not a researcher. Framing is more of a lens than a meaty subject specific to your interests. Unfortunately, most of the work under the label is content-focused. I still recommend an introduction as primer to understanding social influence.
Framing:
Charisma and influence:
Red:
aprende-se: [link]
How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It'll change your life, as it did mine :)
For both of those, I'm gonna suggest Art of Manliness' Essential Etiquette and How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Great guides for explaining the why of etiquette and the like. Seriously, those two have helped the most. Well, I read How to Win Friends just a year or two ago, but it had confirmed a lot of the successful theories and practices I'd been trying out.
Also, re-gifting? I always at least act happy or try to express thankfulness that someone cared enough to give me a gift. Even if I'm not gonna use the gift, someone else can. That's my $0.02.
For the second one, I don't know. Only boss I've had is super fucking chill about that stuff. Well, I worked for my parents before that but that definitely wouldn't apply.
My Dad gave me a copy of this when I graduated highschool in the 90s but I wasn't "ready" for it yet, I don't even think I read it to be honest. Now I'm 37 and realizing that I've put my personal growth on the back burner for entirely too long. I had pretty much given up on making new adult friends. I had actually self-diagnosed myself with Asperger's because I was having such a difficult time trying to figure out why people (including myself) do the things that do. The realization that my marriage was being effected by my nearly empty toolbox of social skills promoted me to take personal responsibility and shoulder the blame myself for once instead of blaming everyone around me for everything. I grew up with a hypercritical Mother so I think I had promised myself that I would never be criticized again, even if that meant writing people off the instant I felt like I had made myself vulnerable enough to be hurt by them.
I couldn't find the copy that my dad gave me so I ordered a new one and chapter 1 alone is changing the way I look at EVERYTHING. I've been plagued with mild depression/anxiety for 20 years and I'm realizing that I've developed some unhealthy defense mechanisms to cope with these issues. I never turned to drugs or alcohol, but the fortress-like walls I've constructed to deal with criticism (real or perceived) aren't much better for me. I've re-read and taken notes on the first section of the book several times now and my wife is noticing and she seems quite relieved, i had no idea I could impact another persons life so strongly.
Like I said, I am only getting started with the book and it has already helped me enough to warrant a 5-star rating. This book has stood the test of time for a reason and I can see why now. The strategies are applicable to and helpful in all aspects of my life so far, from my marriage to my job, and even to the way I interact with clerks in gas stations. I've read numerous self help books in the past, seen a therapist for 3 years, been through the gauntlet of antidepressants, etc, and until now I thought I was wasting my time. I've been learning things all along, but I never learned how to actually apply the things I had learned until now. This book speaks my language and if your background sounds even remotely similar I have a feeling that you'll agree. -- Trevor Miller
[link] good luck
Agreed with the quote; however, this looks like a situation we can change about ourselves.
I'll start reading this after my finals:
i would keep trying out different therapists until you find one that is helpful. they 're all different.
have you tried meditation? that might help. there are apps like headspace, calm, and insight timer, and stuff on youtube
as far as social anxiety, i guess practicing socializing is the best approach (i have no experience with this though, so i really don't know). try to find things where you can interact with people that you dont care about or wont see again so you can practice. hopefully, you'll end up realizing that there is a lot of freedom in socializing (i.e. there isn't really a 'right' thing to say, its pretty open). that being said, there is always some doubt and everyone makes blunders all the time. just say or do whatever comes to mind and that will probably be good. you'll still notice things you can improve or that were a little off, and thats okay (not like "it shouldn't be happening, but its okay you did your best", more like "socializing and talking with people is dynamic and fluid and not everything people say is 100% ideal so you're completely fine"). I've generally been a quiet and reserved person and I also have a pretty analytical mind, and so when I talk to people I usually analyze it after, which contributed to me not talking as much because I would never have much to say because I put too much thought into it. Lately though I've liked talking more just because I like being friendly with people. Here is one thing I noticed in my mindset that helped me socialize more comfortably: up until like 6 months ago, i would analyze most social interactions pretty heavily afterwards. what i did, what i could have done differently, what could i have improved upon, why i did things, what i thought the other person thought, etc. I wasn't really anxious, but its just something i did. At some point, I realized that this was inadvertently making it harder for me to socialize. It's hard to explain, but I'm gonna do my best - I think it kept me in the past. When I would analyze my interactions, I would build this picture of how I should be interacting with people, and it was very specific. I would then carry this idea/picture of that previous specific situation around with me into my new interactions, which are obviously always different then the last one (different person, different time, different place, etc). This made it hard to socialize freely and fluidly in the new situation, because I was probably anticipating having to compare whatever I was saying or doing to the previous standards I built. This obviously doesn't work because the two situations are inherently different, and makes it difficult to have the comfortable, easy going interactions I wanted to have. Once I stopped analyzing my interactions as much, I was able to open up more and interact more naturally, fluidly, in the moment, effortlessly, etc. I still notice things I do when I'm socializing or afterwards, but thats it, i just notice them. I acknowledge whatever happened and leave it at that. I say "that was awkward", or "I talked a lot", or "that was good", but not much more than that. I don't go in depth or fix things. That has been working really well for me. I dunno, a lot of it is just letting yourself get comfortable until it comes naturally. I don't really think about interacting with my family members because I'm so used to it. Making conversation with other people is a different story though because I used to be more quiet, but now I'm getting more comfortable at it. By the way, I keep typing the word 'better' initially and replacing it with 'comfortable' because I think its detrimental to think of socializing as something you get good at, its more of something you get comfortable with. Trying to be 'good' at it creates some of the unnecessary anxiety. I hope this is a little helpful. Obviously there can be more too it than this. There are specific things you can do to make interactions better (consider looking at this book (link)), but in my opinion most of it comes with practice and figuring out what you like doing.
Therapy can be helpful if the therapist can help you find insight into the nature of your anxiety and the skills to work through it. Every therapist is different though, so it might take some time to find one that is helpful to you. Someone posted this on reddit a few months ago and it seemed to be helpful to people (link). Here is the one on social anxiety (link). I hope that is helpful. Also consider looking for videos on youtube and books on amazon.
feel free to message me anytime if you want to practice or anything like that. I'm happy to be that random person for you.
I used to suck at dating and interpersonal relationships in general, I'm still not the best at it but whatever. What helped me out a bunch was reading some books.
you both sound insufferable. get this: [link]
I think we need some more context or specific examples of what's happening. When you say you can come across as trashy, what exactly do you mean?
For what it's worth, it seems to me like you're acting your age and trying to stay within your bounds. He may be expecting too much or not conveying his expectations properly if this is becoming an issue. You're 19 and self-admittedly lacking in social skills. I assume you've made these concerns apparent to him. If not, you really should--ask how he would approach situations that you feel as though you fail in.
I'm a very quiet person myself and I know how hard it can be to assert yourself in certain situations, especially among those you consider to be of "higher circles" than you. And I also know it's incredibly difficult when you feel you've made a mistake and look back on it afterwards. There are some books that may or may not help, I certainly found them helpful...look into How to Win Friends & Influence People and Own The Room.
So here is a speech from an anime one character gave another character. The 2nd character is not an INTJ but I purposefully subisutued whenever his name is called in the speech with the word INTJ for I want to make the speech about you / OP / /u/Texas_Rockets and also the other yous here ^(the other INTJs reading this thread.)
>Person 1:
>this is a battle with swords not some fist fight /
>as long as one of us is still breathing /
>then this fights not over /
>Person 2:
>making this a fight to the death why /
>there's no reason
>Person 1:
>you mean you need a reason to fight /
>why don't you just accept it INTJ /
>you enjoy fighting as much as I do /
>you crave power isn't that right INTJ /
>and anyone who truly loves power /
>loves to measure that power in battle /
>it's a simple fact the question is /
>do we fight in order to gain more power /
>or do we gain more power in order to fight /
>I haven't figured it out yet /
>but who cares /
>because one thing is for certain /
>there is no reason we should ever deny it /
>or try to change /
>because we were born this way /
>you have always wanted to fight /
>and you always will INTJ /
>it's part of you you do it instinctively /
>you have no choice but to fight /
>because it's the only way to gain power /
>fight INTJ /
>if you want to control that power /
>take your sword and cut down your enemies /
>there is no other path /
>no way to move forward
>walk back /
>fight INTJ
There are other ways to grow besides fighting, and when you see politics as merely fighting than you have turned politics into a death sport. Now extroverted Thinking (Te) sometimes nicknamed Effectiveness sometimes turns Politics into a death sport. If we enter a mindset of the 8 jungian functions that is so Te focused, so detached from the other jungian functions than we turn success into victory and victory only when we are effective in our goals. It becomes all or nothing, black or white. Death or Life.
But politics is more than this, politics is also a thing of renewal, and if you have such a singular mindset of Te you will often fail in politics for you can't create coalitions, and you can't be renewed by your allies and enemies. Aka Fe sometimes nicknamed Harmony is also important in politics. Same thing with Fi, sometimes nicknamed Authenticity. And Ti is also important for polticis, for if you think things through and craft good policy via looking at the policy from all these different angles before you initiate it you are able to head off problems before they start.
And the 4 perception functions are also important for politics. Politics is not just about Te, and when you make it about Te you often fail.
I have not read this book from cover to cover, but you I have read parts of it and I have been in enough lectures and power points to know its essence. You should read this book /u/Texas_Rockets and all other INTJs for it is a book not meant for INTJs but we can extract much wisdom from it for our ideas being challenged is very important for Jungian Individualization where we become more well rounded.
How to Win Friends & Influence People Paperback by Dale Carnegie
And here is the wikipedia summary with good bullet points and info
Effectively that book will teach you some of the wisdom of a Fe / Ti mindset. The goal is not to change you INTJ, but to see that sometimes ENFJs and INFJs and to a lesser extent ENTPs and INTPs sometimes have points, and to steal their secret algorithms and subroutines and incorporate them in your daily life. Use them for evil / good that the INTJ knows is for the better purpose for it is more effective.
>Zoosk.com claims to be the #1 dating site on the Internet. Instead, it is riddled with bots and micro transactions that are required just to message others.
Yeah, all indications I've seen are that this site is trending down down down.
>POF and OkCupid are still aiming toward the college and high school demographic in terms of acquiring their members.
I've done some research to familiarize with online dating, and OkCupid has a good balance. Bumble seems to be the kinder, gentler Tinder with a more sophisticated crowd.
>I don't have anything in particular that can catch a woman's attention,
This comment intrigues me. Know that I'm continuing on decoding the FA mentality, but have yet to have a breakthrough. I need to talk to men that have made it out.
> I've learned that the gym, lake, and coffee shops
Lake would by far be my recommendation.
>I'm not a bar guy or partyer,
I mostly never was either. Late bloomer. Have 0 regrets on that front.
>The only way I change up my approach is by distancing the time it takes to respond to them. I usually give it about 1-2 days before sending an independent response again, unless they message me first.
Gotcha. Not being completely predictable and keeping them guessing does help intrigue.
>Though Alias guy's response was direct and critical, he had some good points.
I'm continuing to try and tone down the tough love comments as well. All indications are that Dale Carnegie was right. It's a battle that we must all work on- some more than others (pointing to myself)
>I'm not the best at that and I will need some work. Or I just need more failure to learn from my mistakes next time.
By continually focusing on improvement and growth, it has set a positive tone for my life.
>Fun fact: This time last year I was pining over a coworker at my former job and that's all I could focus on. It never panned out to be anything and I just decided to make my own peace with it. I consider where I am now a step up from expanding my options and not just homing in on one girl.
Excellent!
You've got potential buddy.
its not been removed for me?
edit : I've been following this subreddit for a while and I've been noticing that this place got more and more cancerous with about 1% of threads being genuinely a good read. Everybody can agree that the average post on this subreddit looks like its been written by an autistic 4chan teenager from /b/. The main tool these teenager use is shaming and dirrect insults to devs as a way to make things change. It is known by every normal fonctional adult that this is a poor way to change peoples mind. It is in fact, a really good way to make people act the way you don't want them to act. In this post i will use Dale Carnegie's rules on How to win friends and influence people. It is an essential book for every sales man out there, pick up artists, the casual social retards that doesn't know shit about social interactions, or really, anybody that wants to become a more social, more influential person. If you're interested, heres are the rules : Fundamental Techniques in Handling People. 1. Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. Human nature does not like to admit fault. When people are criticized or humiliated, they rarely respond well and will often become defensive and resent their critic. To handle people well, we must never criticize, condemn or complain because it will never result in the behavior we desire. 2. Give honest and sincere appreciation. Appreciation is one of the most powerful tools in the world. People will rarely work at their maximum potential under criticism, but honest appreciation brings out their best. Appreciation, though, is not simple flattery, it must be sincere, meaningful and with love. 3. Arouse in the other person an eager want. To get what we want from another person, we must forget our own perspective and begin to see things from the point of view of others. When we can combine our desires with their wants, they become eager to work with us and we can mutually achieve our objectives. Six Ways to Make People Like You 1. Become genuinely interested in other people. "You can make more friends in two months by being interested in them, than in two years by making them interested in you."[4] The only way to make quality, lasting friendships is to learn to be genuinely interested in them and their interests. 2. Smile. Happiness does not depend on outside circumstances, but rather on inward attitudes. Smiles are free to give and have an amazing ability to make others feel wonderful. Smile in everything that you do. 3. Remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language. "The average person is more interested in their own name than in all the other names in the world put together."[5] People love their names so much that they will often donate large amounts of money just to have a building named after themselves. We can make people feel extremely valued and important by remembering their name. 4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. The easiest way to become a good conversationalist is to become a good listener. To be a good listener, we must actually care about what people have to say. Many times people don't want an entertaining conversation partner; they just want someone who will listen to them. 5. Talk in terms of the other person's interest. The royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. If we talk to people about what they are interested in, they will feel valued and value us in return. 6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. The golden rule is to treat other people how we would like to be treated. We love to feel important and so does everyone else. People will talk to us for hours if we allow them to talk about themselves. If we can make people feel important in a sincere and appreciative way, then we will win all the friends we could ever dream of. Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking (the important part if you plan to make youtube video about why facepunch should bring back frog boots 1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Whenever we argue with someone, no matter if we win or lose the argument, we still lose. The other person will either feel humiliated or strengthened and will only seek to bolster their own position. We must try to avoid arguments whenever we can. 2. how respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "You're wrong."We must never tell people flat out that they are wrong. It will only serve to offend them and insult their pride. No one likes to be humiliated, we must not be so blunt. 3. If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Whenever we are wrong we should admit it immediately. When we fight we never get enough, but by yielding we often get more than we expected. When we admit that we are wrong people trust us and begin to sympathize with our way of thinking. 4. Begin in a friendly way. "A drop of honey can catch more flies than a gallon of gall."[6] If we begin our interactions with others in a friendly way, people will be more receptive. Even if we are greatly upset, we must be friendly to influence people to our way of thinking. 5. Start with questions to which the other person will answer yes Do not begin by emphasizing the aspects in which we and the other person differ. Begin by emphasizing and continue emphasizing the things on which we agree. People must be started in the affirmative direction and they will often follow readily. Never tell someone they are wrong, but rather lead them where we would like them to go with questions that they will answer "yes" to. 6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. People do not like listening to us boast, they enjoy doing the talking themselves. Let them rationalize and talk about the idea, because it will taste much sweeter to them in their own mouth. 7. Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers. People inherently like ideas they come to on their own better than those that are handed to them on a platter. Ideas can best be carried out by allowing others to think they arrived at it themselves. 8. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. Other people may often be wrong, but we cannot condemn them. We must seek to understand them. Success in dealing with people requires a sympathetic grasp of the other person's viewpoint. 9. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires. People are hungering for sympathy. They want us to recognize all that they desire and feel. If we can sympathize with others, they will appreciate our side as well and will often come around to our way of thinking. 10. Appeal to the nobler motives. Everyone likes to be glorious in their own eyes. People believe that they do things for noble and morally upright reasons. If we can appeal to others' noble motives we can successfully convince them to follow our ideas. 11. Dramatize your ideas. In this fast paced world, simply stating a truth isn't enough. The truth must be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic. Television has been doing it for years. Sometimes ideas are not enough and we must dramatize them. 12. Throw down a challenge. The thing that most motivates people is the game. Everyone desires to excel and prove their worth. If we want someone to do something, we must give them a challenge and they will often rise to meet it. here is the book on amazon : [link]. This shit helped me avoid speed tickets, gets jobs I didn't deserved, and much more. Feel free to link this post to any post made by social retards on this sub reddit so they can learn and get this place less cancerous then it already is. if you wanna have more books recomendation, ask me i'll be glad to share with you. if you want to share me a good book make sure to let me know. I'm currently looking for something about fitness and how to make my own programming
Here you go, buddy. Go be the dictator you always wanted to be.
Buy a book? Try this one.
It might be that people just don't like you. Try reading his book. [link]
How to Win Friends and Influence People seems to be the most popular.
You can see other recommendations on Amazon for books similar to this.
>Social skills can be developed. Some are born with it, and others...like us, have to read books to understand it. If you are serious about wanting to develop your social skills (you may not be, I really only care if I need to), read this: [link] It will explain, in great detail, exactly what the title states.
I don't think that reading any book, no matter what it is, could teach me good social skills. Experience is the best way to learn, but so far from my experience, the only thing I've learned is that people want nothing to do with me. I utterly fail at even the smallest social interaction, even with someone I've known for a long time or a family member.
>I am 5'6". What makes you think the vast majority of women really care about how tall you are? I want you to "dig deep" with this question, because you'll likely find that either the media, or a few shallow women on Tinder who had "no one under 6'0"" in their profile are causing you to think this way. What I want to do is drive it deep into your core that the thought is completely irrational. Tom Cruise is 5'6...he's also insane =)
I think that the vast majority of women care about how tall you are for a few reasons. In 99% of the couples I see on my college campus (and there are a lot of them), the guy is at least 5'11". Related to that, I have seen zero couples with guys my height on this campus, and I've been here for going on 2 years. There's also an entire subreddit of people who are unable to find romantic success because of their height, and are suffering because of it. Given that the entire subscriber base of that sub is not clones of one person, the only common factor they share is their height. And yet, they find no success in dating. And how in the world is the fact that you're 5'6" proof that women don't care about height? I didn't say people under 5'8" don't exist, I said that most women will absolutely not give you the time of day, let alone date you, if you are not taller than that. How much taller is subjective. Lastly, Tom Cruise does not help your argument at all. He is handsome and in great shape, not to mention he is a famous movie star. Celebrities can easily override the height requirement by having other things women are attracted to, like millions of dollars and fancy houses/cars.
>As for acne scarring: don't worry about it. We all have it. A woman that loves you won't give two shits about this. You focusing on this, especially because this is something you cannot change and view as a severe negative trait, will only severe to murder your self esteem some more. Without self esteem, everything else becomes more difficult (including getting a woman). So I have a request for you: stop focusing on it. If you do, say out loud to yourself that "this doesn't matter." Repeat this every single time you find yourself focusing on it.
Who are you referring to when you say we all have it? If you go outside and observe people you see on the street, there are plenty of people, guys and girls, who have perfectly clear skin without a single flaw. Acne scarring most certainly is not common. The only reason I have it is because God or whoever the fuck didn't like that I finally was tried to get rid of my acne and decided to give me a permanent reminder of my futile attempt. As for my focusing on this making getting women harder, who cares? My chances were zero before, and you can't get lower than that. Even if I wanted to not focus on it, it's impossible. It's one of the first things I notice when I look in the mirror. It's also not as if I purposely have no self esteem. It's a result of my life experience, and in my opinion completely valid.
>As for suicide, how far have your thoughts gone? Do you have a plan? And if so, what's kept you from doing it? And if it makes you feel better: know that I had the exact same issues and actually tried to kill myself twice. But here I am telling you it actually can get better.
I have never made an actual attempt, and I do not have a plan. My suicidal thoughts only go as far as a voice in my head saying "you should just kill yourself. Who would miss you? If you can make it gruesome enough you might even make some of the assholes in the world feel bad for once." If I ever got close to actually doing it, the only thing that could hold me back would be my mom. I think I've posted on here before that once she's gone, I'll probably go too. Also, everyone always says it can get better. But what good is hearing that it can get better if you have no reason to think that it will get better? None, that's what good.
>And finally, for gym. What exactly is your routine and goal at the gym? Your goal must either be "strength", or "endurance". Forget the physical aspect because that comes naturally with either goal. In case you doubt my ability to help you with this, I weigh 160lbs and have a deadlift max of 435lbs.
I usually just go and do the weight machines at the YMCA. Back when I had more motivation, I would go every night, alternating running and lifting. Nowadays I'm too tired or depressed to go every night, but I go every other night for the most part. I don't run anymore but I still lift. I don't feel like I'm making any progress most of the time, and the pathetic truth is that I mainly go so I feel like I have something to do.
>First, if you want to take gym seriously. Stop "not sleeping enough." Lack of sleep completely kills your body's ability to repair damage. In order to get bigger, you're going to need to destroy what already exists, let your body rebuild it, and repeat this over and over again.
Easier said than done. My anxiety keeps me up at night, even when I'm exhausted from the gym or from not sleeping enough the night before. Also, my gains did not suffer once my sleep schedule got messed up. I seriously doubt sleeping more would increase my gains.
>Why are you in college and what are you trying to get out of it? I ask this because there is a very big difference between "I'm going to school because my folks said so" versus "I'm going to school for mechanical engineering because I love building things."
My mom is not forcing me to be here. I'm studying Informatics because I have a passion for technology and want to explore how it can be used to solve different kinds of problems all over the world. Or at least, I used to, back when I still had interests and passions. What I'm trying to get out of it is job security, I guess. I don't want to be stuck working at McDonald's 7 days a week.
>What type/video games do you play and why? I'm asking this to understand your personality more. I also game competitively.
Not very many different ones. The Arkham series, Skyrim. Sometimes Rocket League. That's about it for right now.
>If you've managed to read all of this, you may want to write down the questions on a separate application and jot down some answers. I don't care if its verbal vomit but if you feel uncomfortable or whatever, push through it.
I'm uncomfortable all the time, so no worries there.
Read this book: Dale Carnegie: How to Win Friends & Influence People
They love that book over there, thought you might be from there lol.
I see you didn't get many responses to this (perhaps you got some in PMs).
At your age, it's perfectly natural to feel isolated, and to feel like you do not know how to reach out to people to become more friendly. Also, it's natural and normal at any age to fear rejection, and understandable that you don't want to risk getting a reputation in a small town as someone "no one likes".
However, there is one thing that you may be missing, which is that reaching out to other people is not a one-time thing. You can be nice to people -- and reach out to them -- multiple times. In fact, it may take a few times being nice to people for them to figure out that you're not "up to something" and are just trying to be nice and make friends.
Furthermore, you need to get practice at reaching out and being friendly with people. Like any other skill you're learning at your age (whether it's algebra, sports, or GTA), reaching out and being friendly does take practice.
Finally, you should be aware that virtually everyone at your school, -- including many of the ones you perceive as being well-liked and having plenty of friends -- are themselves worried about their social standing. Almost all of them will appreciate anyone new being nice to them, and reaching out to them. Even a "loner" like you. Perhaps especially a loner like you, because it could make them feel special.
One thing that may be holding you back is the idea that the first time you reach out to someone it has to be a "big deal" and if you screw it up that one time, you can never try again. That's not true. In fact you can be nice to someone over and over and over again (as long as you're not stalking them, of course). As I mentioned above, it can sometimes take several attempts for them to let their guard down.
So here are a few things you can try:
Say "hello" to the people who sit on either side of you before every class. Whether they are people you want to be friends with or not. Just to get the practice in. Whether they respond kindly (or at all) at first. Do that for every single class every single time. Try to use their name ("Hello, Erin", "Hello, Ethan"). If someone literally says "Stop saying hello to me" then, of course, stop. If you say hello 10 times, and they never say a word in response, you can stop then, too. But otherwise, keep it up, every day for the rest of the year. Good practice and very likely some of them will say "hello" back and start a brief conversation. Then class will start and the pressure is off.
Bring a few treats to school once or twice a week. Cookies, candy, toys, whatever. Can be cheap/silly. At lunch, offer one to whoever is sitting closest to you. Again, whether it's someone you want to be friends with or not. Just to get the practice of being nice to someone every week.
In the hallway or before or after the school day, at least once per day, give someone a compliment. Do you like the color of their shirt? Did they say something smart in class? Were they nice to someone else? Can be any reason. But once per day, give someone a compliment. Again, this does not have to be someone you want to be friends with. Just to get practice saying nice things to people. They may not respond -- or they may say thank you. Or they may compliment you in return.
Look for opportunities to be nice to people. Open doors for others. Offer a seat next to you, even if it's not accepted. Have extra pencils or pens ready in case someone needs to borrow one.
If you do all these things for one just month, I think you will find some surprising changes in your confidence level and your social standing at school. By that point, you may find it much easier to reach out specifically to the people you want to be friends with, and have some better notion of how to strike up a conversation and get them to like you.
Also, consider getting a copy of this book. It may be in your library or you might consider buying it or downloading it. It contains rock-solid 100-year old advice about how to make and keep friends on an ongoing basis.
Not really a meme, more like the low-hanging fruit of punchlines
Read (or listen to) How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Really good book for sales and otherwise.
Therapy can be awesome but only if you get the right person; the key is to shop around. Don't just walk in and pay hundreds of dollars for a full session, see if there is any way you can interview the prospective therapist just for a couple minutes. Do it with several, and get recommendations from people you know might be helpful. If you're in college, check your student health services to see if they provide therapy.
Look up a guy named Gary Vanyerchuk, he's an entrepreneur and one of the biggest things he helped me with is getting past and over complaining. He's got videos on Youtube and a few books out on the market. I know this isn't an entrepreneurship thread but because of the nature of their business, complaining and bitterness are huge hurdles they have to get over. Here's one of my favorite of his videos and another with a Q&A explaining his background at the beginning: Entrepreneurs and Complaining / SXSW Keynote 2016
Also you might try checking out the 21 Day No Complaint Challenge
I don't know what your opinions of women are but since you said your opinions can be "sexist" and involve a general "disgust" towards them, I'm 90% sure you are one of the many people who believe that "All women like jerks and hate nice guys." The biggest thing to realize about the flaw of that mentality is that to women, the most attractive body part on a man is his spine. Nice guys don't know how to take a stand, whereas jerks do take a stand but usually take it way further than necessary to get their point across, that's why they get more relationships but they don't typically last long.
Books I'd recommend that are available to preview at your local B&N (the last one by Glover is actually the full pdf text of the book): How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie / The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden / No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover, Ph.D
Good luck!
I did not get the digital age, so I can't speak of it. I got this one. [link]
I'll add to what beached89 said: You can also take advantage of the learning opportunities that the internet makes available to you. If you're interested in computers, you can do MIT computer science classes online for free at your own pace. If you want to program, there are a billion free tutorials online for you. This isn't a replacement for a formal education, but you can start college well ahead of others in your class.
Even if your interests lie somewhere else, you have usable information available that can help you TODAY with your career. Find someone locally who does what you want to do, contact them, and see if you can set up an informational interview. I hire programmers, and I'll tell you this: If a smart 16-year-old came to me and interviewed me about how to get into what I do, you can bet that I'd remember them when they got out of college and would do everything I could to help them land a great job. My network would become their network.
The most important lesson I learned WAY too late is this: Every great opportunity you have in life will likely come from someone you know, rather than just random chance or blindly sending out resumes. Expand your social network. Learn to deal with people. The most important part of college is the network you build.
A great book for dealing with people is How to Win Friends and Influence People. - the title is off-putting, but every successful person on earth has read this book. It's a how-to guide for dealing with people. Your library has it (and if you don't have a library card, get one. Particularly if there's a university near you that offers local community benefits). You can also find older editions online legally for free.
I was 36 before I got on the path you're looking for. You have a MASSIVE head start. Good luck!
> I don't even know who Dale Carnegie is.
Well, that certainly goes without saying. You can thank me later.
> Israel's 700km green line has 260 million dollars in upkeep cost annually alone. Once again here, you're making an argument in terms of government expenditures. So, illegal immigrants use some government programs but don't pay taxes. Why not make the illegal immigrant legal and require them to pay taxes? Is that not a far more logical argument than build8ng a multi billion dollar wall? Because with the legalized illegals you get to retain the economic benefit of their labour and consumption, while eliminating the burden on the government, by building a wall you create a huge one time and also long term expenditure which may or may not be effective, and you still don't get any tax revenue from these people who are still illegal immigrants, or if you propose deporting them to remove them from government expenditures you now have another huge government expenditures to round them up and you lose all their labor and consumption.
And what is our annual expenditure in education, health care, BP, and other costs associated with illegal immigration? Does this factor at all into your cost-benefit analysis? Do you even make a cost-benefit analysis, or do you simply oppose the wall (or any bar to illegal immigration) regardless.
The discussion really isn't "let's make everybody that came here illegally legal and tax them," though--it's about preventing illegal immigration in the first place. Or are you under the impression that the whole purpose of the proposed wall is to keep former illegal immigrants in when they hear about your plan to tax them?
> Literally no argument for the wall make works other than, "I hate Mexicans and don't want them in America".
Here's a newsflash for you: Somebody can be against illegal immigration and have absolutely no issue with Mexicans, Canadians, Ethiopians, or Cambodians. Generally, what we're against is the illegal part. We do have a path to legal immigration, or am I misled?
So yes, I can be against illegal immigration just as much as I am against illegal property redistribution (robbery), illegal sexual intercourse (rape), or any other illegal activity that can be harmful to society.
And on a personal note: It doesn't speak well of your character to send a simple "Fuck you" through private messages. I don't attack you personally, and if you can't return the favor, perhaps you should refrain from interacting with people online until you can.
Its worked for many millions of people for the past 80 years. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
I don't even get the point of the article. Do they think "screw you" would change anyone's mind?
Obviously they have not read this book: [link]
Pick up this, study it, and utilize it.
One of the best books out there for helping develop lasting social skills, especially in professional settings.
brooding usually sounds better than shy/awkward
Some counterpoints:
1. Our ability to reconcile and strategize beyond that span is what allows us to achieve greatness. You don't achieve greatness in a day, and if you don't learn from your past mistakes and keep them with you, you're doomed to repeat them. A 24-hour memory would create an impulsive and reckless person.
Not only that, but the world doesn't work in 24 hour increments. It keeps going. "Twenty four hours is all that you have to live in" is bullshit. I've had to stay up for multiple days to tackle a project at work, and it has payed off big time.
If you live your life to avoid stress, you'll live a life of mediocrity. Stress is the result of being challenged. Overcoming stressful things is the sign of greatness, of achievement. If you live a stress-free life, the world and the people who thrive in stress will leave you behind.
The burdens of the future are absolutely mine, and the decisions I make every day take them into account.
From the sounds of it, since the biggest stress you describe is homework, you're still too young to have experienced stress, and for that matter catharsis.
Also, if you feel anxious or depressed GET HELP those are not normal responses to stress, and you should seek counseling. Self-diagnosis will not end well, nor will making up some "tenants" to live by. Happiness comes from within, and if you cannot find it with whatever you do, you may have an issue.
I look to the future and see a mountain worth climbing. It's a big ass mountain. I look to the past and see all that I've accomplished (which may be tough if you haven't done anything)... All those little fuckups, homework assignments I didn't do, and every. single. time. I embarrassed myself in front of a girl. (yeah, those sting.) pale in comparison to what I've done, and even more so to what I will do.
2. Happiness is not a product. It's a feeling, and a way of running your brain. I have spent so long pursuing extrinsic motivations for happiness. Hobbies, Dog, Girls, Posessions, Cars, and now a big exorbitant house.. If you're not happy with nothing, you either won't be happy with everything, or when you lose something you will be sad. Don't attach your happiness to anything except yourself.
You'll also find that by yourself being happy, you attract other happy people. People do not want to be around sad people.
3. The world's idea of success? I didn't know the world had met a consensus. If you're going by what you see on television, literally everything you see on television is marketing. There are people who's whole job it is to create a brand. An idea about a product that it's an achievement. Half of that is marketing the idea about your product to people who can't afford it, because they have to know what your product is for it to be arbitrarily more valuable to your clients. See Rolex. See luxury car ads on TV.
Let's do this ~~3. The world's idea of success...~~ 3. Television sucks.
I haven't owned a TV in ~6 years. (I'm 24) and all I can say is that it has been the most positive experience in my life. A television is a way for you to become complacent with sitting and doing nothing. Being entertained instead of entertaining yourself. I've taken up cycling, rock climbing, woodworking, to some extent gaming, all because I don't waste hours on end in front of a screen I have little control over.
Anyway, back to your #3. Success, and what other people think.
What other people think of you matters. It sucks to admit it, but it fucking does. You wear a suit to a job interview because it matters what you look like. You may not put the same value on the same rewards that someone else does, but that doesn't mean you don't follow the same system. You put work into something, and you will expect something out of it One person may not expect the same rewards as someone else. Maybe you want to live in a cabin in the woods away from society, maybe you don't want to find someone and get married, that doesn't matter.
You're still playing the game. You will be judged for what you do. You will be judged for how you act. It will cost you a job, it will cost you love, it matters.
Read the book by Dale Carnegie How to Win Friends and Influence People
And as a side note, you're wrong about what it means to be a great artist. Not a single great artist I know became famous until after they died. What being a great artists means to me is achieving a legacy. Making your name mean something. To some, that's success, to others, they could give no fucks about their name being valuable and they constantly pursue making the greatest art to themselves.
You know what the world thinks? They've never heard of the second group.
How to Win Friends and Influence People By Dale Carnegie
The Stranger by Albert Camus
This book will help. After I read it, my entire perspective changed. Buy it, read it yourself and then ask him to read it.
Give this a read.. "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
"I'm not particularly concerned with how this might come off to some people"
Suggested purchase: [link]
You need to read just one more book and you will be unstoppable
And How to Win Friends and Influence People
I also read that when I was around your age. It's really helpful
I was not sure how the sub will react to me linking to amazon, but definitely check out the reviews for the book here:
Nah but in all seriousness:
Start on a smaller server - official servers or big servers (over 200 population) are usually carcinogenic. You're better off going to a smaller server, around 50-100.
Make sure you have a mic - I never trust anyone who doesn't have a mic. For a couple of reasons:
1) It's fairly easy to tell from vocal tone if someone is messing with you or if they're genuinely being good. 2) If they only chat via text, it means anything you plan together is known to everyone.
When you're on any server, small or large: do NOT run up to people as a naked. I, and most other people who've played Rust for a while, tend to shoot nakeds on principle; they have nothing to lose, whereas I may be geared or semi-geared. Plus you never know if a naked is packing a waterpipe in their rectum.
If you DO run up to someone, and you have some clothes, call out on voice chat first - and put away any ranged weapons. If I see someone heading my way with a bow or xbow, I'm going to do my best to kill them first. Some people pull out a torch to show they're friendly.
Do NOT running around knocking on people's doors or asking who's home - we're naturally protective of our bases and don't really want to let anyone in. It's a great way to get shot, or led inside to then get shot or trapped.
Apart from that - offer to help people raid, organise torch parties at the dome, ask if anyone else is new and team up with them. More experienced players may or may not choose to play with you depending on your skill level - for me, I've had some great new players join me and they've been awesome, other ones I've had to eject because they're thick / stealing resources to go PvP then get dropped.
Also - don't be whiny in world chat. No-one likes the guy who always complains 'thanks for killing me, I hope you enjoy the rock!' or 'wow. killing a new spawn. wow.' - it shows that you don't deal well with adverse conditions and you're probably going to be a pain to deal with in a team situation.
Just yeah at the end of the day realise quite a few people on Rust love being assholes. They get a kick out of messing with people. I've done that too and it is often hilarious. But keep searching and you'll find some cool people eventually. Or ask your friends from school / uni / work to join the game as well - those tend to be friends you can trust more than online friends.
Besides these techniques? Time.
Except it was in regards to separation to what a player does and what a mod does. You took it for something else and ran with it.
>Linking comments from bad actors I've never heard of is not a convincing argument. There are lots of bad actors on this subreddit. It's not an exclusive Goon thing.
Ah, a denial of bigbil's existence, nice. So, everyone that is a goonswarmflair is just some troll agent to make you guys look bad, right? DBRB made his share of inappropriate comments to get a reaction too but I guess that reddit account is a troll too, who knows.
>You literally said in the conversion Goons suffer from some sort of physiological trauma such as "battered person or stockholm syndrome."
Yes, because going back to the biker gang metaphor, despite being not welcomed in the biker bar, you guys still go to it despite everyone cussing you out and not welcoming you, especially after your gang leader got on a podium and said "that biker bar is not a real bar." Your biker gang says they'll stop going to this bar and tell everyone they should all go to a different biker bar, but your gang still shows up to this biker bar to patronize in. It's like you guys love being verbally abused or something and try to make it look like its not your fault when most people in this biker group are a bag of dicks. Nobody in this biker group is owning up to the groups action, and is instead blaming everyone else .
>you only change the link to /r/KarmaFleet and no other subs
Maybe we did before but nobody noticed because nobody clicks on their links :^)
You're not banned, goonswarm isn't banned, you guys aren't getting poached. I do more for goonswarm than any other group. There is no moderator bias in my actions when I put the effort to make goon posts visible, which is the only thing you should care about what I do. Who cares what a moderator says as a player? That's no concern to you, and if it is, get over it. You guys created the deposition everyone has to you. Want to change that? Sit down and read this book.
I remember I used to be so afraid of talking to girls! And that I really wanted to date and to kiss girls ASAP.
If I could be in your shoes again, I would realize that all I had to do to talk to girls was to be friendly and take the initiative...
Things like: "Hey, how are you today?" or "How was your week" and then when she says "Oh, it was fine" or "It was ok" just ask a follow up question or two, then let it go. Repeat every time you see her (Or anyone for that matter) and you will find you have a lot of friends including her.
As to wanting to date and kiss and all that, well I'm in college now and I have some friends who have only kissed 1 or 2 girls in their whole lives and I'll be honest, I am a lot more jealous of them than they are of me.
Also, if you really want to be an expert in talking to girls/people, get and read these two books.
how to win friends and influence people
Good luck out there ImAmormonDontJudge! You have a lot of great times ahead of you.
I agreed that money and finance matters. But you need more than technical skills in the real life trust me. You need social skills too, and the book that changed the way of see relationships was: How to make friends and influence people. Check it out. There's also a good subreddit: /r/BettermentBookClub
This probably varies a lot by class size, but I very rarely made any friends within general education courses. You've got a lot of different people and personality types in one class for a credit and then you go your separate ways. I did make some friends in my major-specific courses though were we were all going through the same classes together (even if not at the same specific times).
I think if you generally want to get to know people in your classes you just need to show up early and talk to whoever is waiting outside. Unless it's a discussion heavy interactive class there probably isn't much time in the actual class to chat it up.
I'm not sure if cold approaching someone waiting outside a class is outside your comfort zone but you've already got a couple things in common at that point. Are they reading? Are they on their laptop? Do you guys have a big test coming up? No harm in trying to shoot the breeze before class starts, and if someone is disinterested in polite company they'll surely be other regulars worth saying hello to.
Wanted to split this off since I might be getting long winded. I've never been much of a social butterfly but I kind of forced myself into a fake-it-until-you-make-it scenario to meet new people a few years ago and it's become a lot more natural. If you're waiting for a class to start I've literally sat next to someone in that situation and said "Hey, you're waiting for class whatever right? I don't really know anybody and I'm trying to force myself to be more social. What do you think about blahblahblah?"
If you don't fancy yourself much of a conversationalist, I'd recommend reading How to Win Friends and Influence People. I think it was really helpful in getting me to kick some bad habits that made interactions tougher than they needed to be. It can also give you a small list of personal challenges to try to have some good conversations with people (I'm going to let a stranger tell me a funny story about themselves, I'm going to find out where a stranger's favorite vacation place is, etc.). The nice thing about college is there are typically lots of people around with a lot in common. Even if you bomb a ton and people think you're crazy (which seriously wont happen) you're bound to run into someone that is looking for a friend.
[link] Your welcome.
I haven't read it myself, but I've heard several people say that "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is a life changer for this sort of thing.
How to win friends and influence people.
Most important thing is the people not the craft. If you can't make friends and network it doesn't matter how good you are.
Hey. Well here's some good news. It's completely normal to reach a goal like losing all that weight and not have it completely change your life and make all of your problems go away. It turns out, that happiness may be less about what bad things happen to us or what amazing goals we reach, but more about how we look at things and what we do every day.
The surprising science of happiness TED talk
> Watch this great TED talk to understand what will really make you happy. Dan Gilbert, author of Stumbling Upon Happiness, says basically that we aren't that great at predicting what will make us happy or unhappy. And he backs it up with different research that has been done to prove this.
Here's some more good news. Losing all that weight was a HUGE accomplishment. First of all, you should be proud of yourself and feel great. Unfortunately, if the above TED talk is accurate, you might have overestimated how much better your life would be, or how much better you would feel as a result of losing weight. However, your body and mind are much better having gotten into better shape. The postive changes to exercising every day are huge.
Also, following through on losing all that weight and getting healthier shows that you have a number of important skills for making positive changes in your life. Creating habits, visualizing your goal, discipline, and commitment, to name a few. This means you can use those skills to continue to get better and reach other goals
It sounds to me like what you really want might be to build some relationships with people, including making friends or having a girlfriend. One of the most helpful books for making friends and communicating with people might be How to Win Friends and Influence People. Or you may want to look into other books or resources that are more targeted towards dating or relationships.
But keep in mind while you work towards getting a girlfriend, that getting a girlfriend may not make you as happy as you thought it might either. In the end, you need to try to make positive changes, but realize that you can be happy no matter what your current situation is. Because events that happen to us, and situations we find ourselves in may not affect our happiness as much as we originally thought.
There were 4 books I read that gave me a good sales focus:
10 Steps to Sales Success (out of print, why i posted the link)
How to Win Friends and Influence People
[Successful Cold Call Selling](www.amazon.com/gp/product/0814477186)
I'm naturally a salesperson, but I never wanted to be one (software engineer). Learning to embrace it with my startups really was empowering. I just applied the dating women philosophy. Even if 99 turn you down, focus on the 1 that wants to go out with you :-)
update for /u/craiganater
Currently Reading:
How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie because I am a bit of a sociopath.
Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis
Just Finished:
<em>How to Win Friends & Influence People</em> by Dale Carnegie.
Teaching people how since 1936. [link]
If you haven't read it already, you might find some helpful info in Dale Carnegie's classic book "<em>How to Win Friends & Influence People.</em>" Leil Lowndes has a somewhat more modern & playful approach on similar topics in her books like "<em>How to Be a People Magnet</em>" & "<em>How to Talk to Anyone.</em>"
Good luck.
If you haven't read it already, you might find some helpful info in Dale Carnegie's classic book "<em>How to Win Friends & Influence People.</em>" Leil Lowndes has a somewhat more modern & playful approach on similar topics in her books like "<em>How to Be a People Magnet</em>" & "<em>How to Talk to Anyone.</em>"
Good luck.
I would add the following book to your summer reading list:
I'd recommend "How to Wn Friends and Influence People" [link]. It's a classic but still holds up.
Erm, except for the first and third entries, these goes against every piece of advice from every person who has ever written advice on how to get people to like you, ever. (except for this Chapman guy, whose work has no scientific underpinning or research whatsoever).
You want people to like you? These are the actual tips:
Show vulnerability (to a degree). This means ask people for their help, even with a small thing.
Focus on the other person. Ask them questions about themselves. And Listen to their answers.
Eveyone loves having the spotlight. Give it up to someone else for a while.
Show compassion to everyone, even to those whom you will never, ever meet.
Check your ego. You may be right, but if you're trying to get someone to change their mind about a thing, you ask them questions as to why they believe such a thing is true, not confront them.
Put people at ease by being non-judgemental. Remember, they could be judging you right back.
The rest of the suggestions, while seeming intuitive, are completely wrong. How do I know this? Ever been the guy who wants someone to like them so badly that they'll be fawning and subservient to them, like the poor loser who has a crush on the debutante? How do this series of behaviors work for him?
Chapman is just a guy who wants to sell books. Try Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. He's dead, so it's not like he's self-promoting. Also, to learn how to be the best person you can be and to gain social authority, read The Game by Neil Strauss (just don't get caught up in the PUA movement; so many douchebags).
Also, check out this site from a former FBI Behavioral Specialist. I suppose he might know a thing or two about getting people to like you, because he made it his whole career to learn how to
not exactly what you're looking for, but i think this is a good place to start, and well help you become more comfortable with yourself:
You should read the book How to Win Friends & Influence People.
Okay, do whatever feels best for you man.
I would encourage you to give meditation another go, but if you feel being in contact with your feelings is too hard right now, then try again another time.
If you practice regularly, your overall anxiety and stress levels will go down in practically all situations.
However, if what you need to do is practice speaking in a confident manner while being relaxed, meditating is no substitute for developing those skills.
Yes I said skills. Don't think I am trying to pick on you here, I am one of the biggest social retards you could ever meet. But most people don't know that I am a shy introvert as I have put a lot of practice into how to communicate with people, look them in the eye, talk in a friendly confident outgoing manner etc.
But 90% of the time I prefer to be at home reading a book, playing a video game or otherwise going for a walk or to the gym, I prefer any of those things to social situations. My worst most uncomfortable social scenarios are talking to women I am attracted to (in a relationship ship now, so non-issue on that one) and the other one is being in a room full of strangers, or going somewhere to meet people who I do not already know, especially in a public place.
That just makes me really anxious. I much prefer to meet people one on one, or in small groups in a relaxed environment.
So put me by myself in a room full of strangers and I get still anxious, and I don't think it is just an introvert thing, I think part of it is a really deep primal thing where, in the past when we all used to hunt for food to live, being around a large amount of people not from your tribe would be very dangerous, and most likely result in your death. So there are benefits but also drawbacks to "socialization", which we consider to be the desirable norm in society today.
Anyhow, I just want to say that I love meditation, and many other things, and just don't put artificial limits on anything you do, because that is a really sad and un- fulfilling way to go through life. I've been meditatin for over a decade, but I still get a anxious sometimes in social situations. Meditation is not a cure all, but I'm also saying don't hold yourself back or make excuses. Identify what it is you want to do, and then look for models or examples of people already doing that and learn, and practice practice practice. Not just meditation, but any skill in life. When do you stop practicing? Never.
If I was you I would practice social skills etc, until you get better at not feeling anxious, even if it meant doing a role play with a trusted friend, as the more you practice any sort of "state", the more you will know that your body is your slave and can only listen to your commands.
Meditation would also help a great deal if you do not just sit and do nothing, but do some visualizations of yourself acting and talking and walking confidently, just in your mind, a mental rehearsal. I've used mental rehearsal for years for everything from martial arts gradings to going out on dates with women to writing a book, there is no limit to your imagination.
If you need some practical steps, there is no better book than Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people", it has been in print since 1936, has sold over 15 million copies. It is still the best book on the topic, I've read a bunch of modern books on similar topics, and none are HALF as good as Dale Carnegie's book.
Yes! This was exactly what I was thinking when I read this. Specifically, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Being an introvert I am terrible at this. Any suggestions on books I should read? So far I've heard that this one is legitimately good. Any others?
Analyzing Tzilung
- comments per month: 9.7
- posts per month: 0.7 ^lurker
- favorite sub MMA
- favorite words: really, though, you're
- age 1 years 1 months
- profanity score 0.6% ^Gosh ^darnet ^gee ^wiz
trust score 93.2% ^tell ^them ^your ^secrets!
Fun facts about Tzilung
- "I am implying that Kinder Morgan is conspiring but when billions of dollars are on the line, every bit counts and this would be easy."
- "I am terrible at this."
- "I've heard that this one is legitimately good."
- "I've competed before in wrestling and bjj, and that's how it was for the first few rounds because emotions and adrenaline dumps were plenty."
- "I've learned it's quite taxing on the knees."
- "I've seen and I've watched a lot ah, the ever resilient stick of butter Wow, can you share any more info on this?"
- "I've talked with a career coach and have seen how soul killing 9-5 jobs are like."
OP I think this could be of some use to you.
Read this and practice what Dale advocates.
I was being pleasant and trying to help...but I think you need this
I had to read this as part of my curriculum at my job it may help since I've had issues connecting with people.
How to get what you want in life and Kundalini. I think women he will enlight individiually.
Wrong book. However you're just piping in to be a twat.
Scaring people into submitting to your will is not the most effective way of going about things. Maybe read this book instead? https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034 I haven't read it myself, but its quite famous.
There's a phenomenal book that's been my go-to for handling a ton of different kind of person to person situations called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.
It is an amazing read (perhaps even over again) for anyone, but the bottom line is - always think in terms of what the other person (not yourself) wants. That way, you can get more done by being nice and considerate rather than mean, demanding, and selfish - AKA only considering what YOU want.
I used to be a NiceGuyTM, up until the last year or two. Often times I would think that I was unattractive with no redeeming qualities, and that all I could do was be a NiceGuy. What this usually means is you try to make girls feel good by just latching on to anything they say and validating it 10 times over. The issue with this interaction is that there is none of you. People want to get to know you as well, so learn to open up. If you think you are ugly and lack personality, look into redoing your wardrobe, exercising (any helps, it's all in the mentality), and understanding the reality that if people are conversing with you, they want to know about you as well. The book How to Win Friends and Influence People, though arguably slightly dated, was largely influential in teaching me ways to interact with people and not being someone who can't fill awkward silences.
At any rate, learn to accept yourself first, that's the biggest step. From there, you can decide on what you would like to change and how you'd like to get to where you want to be.
Feel free to reach out to me! Good luck friend.
Yes it does, try giving this book a read.[link]
There is no magical step-by-step solution to a problem with uncountable variables.
First, you need to identify your problem and it's roots. Why do you lose these games? Be honest and critical or you will never see truth.
If your team is not doing so well, don't tell them explicitly what to do [1], instead you should give them implicit suggestions. I'll let you think of that.
Direct your focus on yourself, stop focusing on others. You can't control your teammates so work on yourself.
Of course, you get unlucky with trolls, afks, etc, so there is a decent solution for this... pick a hypercarry OR high mobility beasts in jungle or mid - they have a degree of control on each phase (early, mid, late) of the game.
This might help with your future reviews.
I've recommended this book several times, and I can't say enough good things about it: How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is the book that took my out of my shy self and helped me talk to people. I read it decades ago, as a teenager, and I still use the tools it gave me.
First off, I'm with you that "cultural fit" is important. However,
You can teach socialization -- I have taught myself before, and managed to turn a negative review into a positive one in 6 months time. HTWFAIP in this case, which self taught allowed me to emulate the social behaviors that my manager was looking for.
In my case, I hated it and left in another 6 months, but the point remains that it's possible to learn. That has to be taken into account when evaluating "cultural fit".
>For-student only internships or apprenticeships
With the right network, this is irrelevant in the majority of cases.
How to network derleek?
Easy... be a personable and friendly individual. Learn to make friends, weeding out those who do not share like goals and surrounding yourself by those who do.
> Opportunities to study abroad
I see almost no value in this, seems like an over-priced travel agent to me. "Sure, i'll give you an exorbitant amount of someone else's money for you to set me up to take an art class in paris!"
I'm confident i can create myself the same opportunities, if not better, for cheaper, than any university could.
> A huge pool of potentially like-minded individuals
This is preposterous, all i have to do to access this same pool is show up at one of your stupid classes that you pay for and simply introduce myself. Easily the weakest reason that your higher education was valuable.
> Professors and other industry connections
I promise, that if i go up to ANY professor, and SPEW excitement about their subject, or their work, I will have made a friend and expanded my network. Again, not sure why i would pay anyone to introduce me to a professor.
>Clubs
Meh... i can go to meetup.com or probably even join a university club w/o actually paying X dollars credit hour to do so. I'd imagine it would go like this...
"hey, can I join your crappy club?"
"No, you dont go to this university!"
"What if i gave u $50 and paid whatever costs I accrue?"
"mmmm sure"
> and untapped school resources
I mean... probably your most valid point. There are some legitimate resources at well funded universities. Giant sciencey expensive things, equipment rentals, awesome gyms, uhh... but still... the right person would be smart enough to take my money ^(that ^i ^have ^because ^i ^didn't ^spend ^it ^on ^tuition ^and ^hot ^pockets) and grant me access. With gyms and equipment rentals, definitely... giant sciencey things would require earning trust and becoming more of a peer towards whomever is in charge of said sciencey thing.
>The ability to start a conversation with "I'm a student, and I was wondering..." <--ability to talk to people you'd otherwise have no business talking to
This... is.. well it makes me sad. Why are you afraid to ask questions of ANYBODY...? Yes, there is a time and place for questions, the type and depth of the question can have an effect on this. So can the person you are asking. Are they an asshole? may want to avoid that asshole. That same asshole wont stop being an asshole if he's a prof. though.... so be warned.
Never has this conversation been had...
"Can you explain XYZ?"
"No, you're not a student"
Professors are people, people are vain, they love talking about themselves and their accomplishments. Any prof. worth talking to wont turn away an interested individual, depending on timing and your ability to maintain their attention.
NOW... there are exceptions here, like the medical field, the hard sciences... but these advantages are designed and mostly limited to networking and the resources available to you. There is no reason these bodies of knowledge, that are direly important to humanity, should be locked away in the university. I don't know the solution, I just know the problem... and its the almighty dollar. Selecting students based on profit margins is a major... major problem.
I would highly recommend the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. It is a famous book that has helped countless people with this problem. In my opinion it should be required reading. It has definitely helped me overcome my problems with social interaction. Give it a try, I'm sure you won't be disappointed.
So far almost all of the comments have been pretty much along the lines of "You shouldn't want friends anyways. Go focus on work and learn to like the solitude because that's what I did." That's them, but it doesn't have to be you, if you don't want it to be. Since you bothered making this post, I'm going to assume that it doesn't apply to you, in which case their advice is utter trash.
Your feelings are perfectly valid, and your goals are achievable. You just need to decide whether it's worth it or not. If you want to learn how to win friends and influence people, try reading How To Win Friends and Influence People. People have been swearing by it since it was published in 1936.
Also, there's a sticky in the sidebar. --> Last link in the list. "Get The Friends You Want."
If reading a book or two, (And then PRACTICING,) is too much work, I'm sorry but there's no helping you.
Woah. Great wall of text visible from space.
I'm only going to cherry pick from your post because of a major case of TL; DR. I feel like you could have written your ideas more succinctly.
> The problem is that some people might take what he says to heart completely.
Is that OP's fault for simplification, or the reader's fault for taking things too literally? I think you may be underestimating the intelligence of the average reader.
> If anything in terms of aggressive wording against his statement wasn't in fact true then let me know.
If you start by saying something is "Beyond stupid," then no one will listen. It doesn't matter how true your statement is, you will be written off as someone with a sour attitude; almost exactly like what I am doing right now. May I recommend reading the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People?"
>If you can't program and you aren't a developer, don't start an app company, unless your partner is a top notch developer. You can't outsource the technical side of a technical product.
You quote this and highlight it to show the extreme thinking and violation of "Everything Entrepreneurship stands for," and how you shouldn't "let any roadblock stop you." And yet you completely miss the part where /u/slide911 says
> unless you partner is a top notch developer
where he completely covers the clause you were complaining about. It feel like your major problem is OP's lack of exceptions in his post. They don't exist because OP wanted to get and Just because OP didn't write in exceptions to his rule, doesn't mean that they don't exist.
> Entrepreneurs, bottom line don't let any roadblock stop you from succeeding at what you want to do or pursuing your idea/passion,
That's true. OP's point is to make sure your idea is at least feasible. As such your advice doesn't conflict with his, and you should seriously chill.
P.S. You downvoted my previous post. That feels like a violation of reddiquette. Downvotes are reserved for posts that "Do not add to discussion." The downvote is NOT for people you disagree with.
OP, please read this and save your life: [link]
If I demand a return to the gold standard am I more an opponent of William Jennings Bryant or a devotee of Barry Goldwater?
Have you even heard of these guys?
Even morons know things that you don't. Just because you repel people with your personality does not mean that you have persuaded them of anything.
Let me give a recommendation that will help you more than mastery of Hegelian logic: How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie
Hope I won't regret answering you, because I really want to help you understand that giving "advice" is doing more harm than good.
To yourself and to your team mates.
There really is no reason that someone should not play ranked.
It's a system to approximately measure skill, no matter how low or high that skill may be.
After a reasonable amount of ranked games (100+), it's safe to assume that you are correctly placed where you belong at that time.
In those games you will be teamed up with players of similar skill.
Those players will be as good at the game as yourself and have no reason to take advice from a player of same skill level in the first place.
But that is not the main reason "advice" is never useful.
There are 2 main problems that prevent "advice" from ever being useful:
- It's human nature that a player doesn't blame herself for her mistakes. Psychologists have conducted enough experiments by now to prove this.
People who deal with other people as a job will also know this very well. - The advice giver is probably not qualified enough to correctly word his intentions in the heat of battle.
There is a high probability of the Dunning-Kruger effect.
If you want to know how to lead and inspire people the way they will listen, please read this book. It may become the best thing you have ever done for your private and professional life:
[link]
Good luck.
You aren't doing it right. Changing people's hearts and minds isn't a matter of cramming facts and opinion down their throats. I suggest this.
How to Win Friends & Influence People is the book I've put in to practice the most...
>It’s a cruiser, American.
See, you might as well take the rest of this post, wad it up, shove it in your jock and run into the ocean. It would be more effective.
I do recommend How to Win Friends & Influence People ~~by Dale Carnegie, one of America's early steel barons. He was very successful in life and his book explains how. You'll have people agreeing with you in no time~~.
try this easy to read book, it's a classic that addresses just what you are asking about...
Sorry but I'm done. I've attached a link to some reading if you genuinely want to know more about communication with those with opposing beliefs. Good luck
That's fine. I just don't spend money on the game anymore. If they don't want my money that's totally fine.
Narcissistic sociopath is a broader term.
>But how did we get here? And what happened to our culture of civility and the quiet wisdom of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”?
I always lol when idealistic teenagers take that book literally.
>Italian thinker Niccolò Machiavelli’s insight that “It’s better to be feared than loved, if you cannot do both,” could have been written for our age.
I also lol very much when those same idealistic teenagers are outraged about any book or movie that tells it like it is.
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