What is Reddit's opinion of Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child?

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Wow, OP, I'm sorry. I'm glad that your wife felt comfortable telling you all of this rather than continue to suppress it.

You would probably find this book helpful. This is only the beginning.

https://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834

Allies in Healing (https://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834) has a very similar message to what you post here. It says to help and be supportive. However, you also need to care for your needs and if you find yourself overwhelmed by the situation, it’s ok to leave your partner (because you can’t save someone if you are also in trouble). This might be a good read, even if the issues aren’t sexual abuse.

You should definitely communicate with your boyfriend about what happened to you, what's currently going on, and how you are feeling about it. I appreciate that you are taking his own struggles with quitting smoking into account, but your own feelings and comfort should not have to suffer because of that.

My therapist recommended this book for my wife to read, and it's helped her understand the broad range of feelings and issues I am dealing with. I would also recommend you and your boyfriend both read it. It'll also open a line of communication between you and him that you desperately need right now.

Not sure if it will help, but a little while ago I was recommended this book which covers, I think, a lot of the issues you are dealing with. It isn't quite the same topic - adult rape and suppressed child sexual abuse are obviously different - but it does have some overlap, I think, in terms of what's involved in partner support.

What I might recommend, personally, is bringing up the wedding to her in as neutral and non-pressuring of a way as possible. Reassure her that you love her and you definitely do want to get married, and that you'd like to talk about some of the logistics. When does she think it makes sense to have the wedding? What sort of ceremony would she like to have (eg, maybe a smaller ceremony would make more sense for her if she's feeling overwhelmed by people). etc etc.

Is she at all willing to get professional help to recover from the sexual trauma from her biological father?

I really think that is going to be key to a full recovery for you guys. There are therapists who specialize in helping people recover and heal from sexual abuse and trauma, and grow into healthy sexuality.

If you don't already have these books, the could be very helpful. I often recommend these resources here for sexual assault and abuse survivors, and their partners, because they are so good. Many therapists recommend them:

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

This is a very complex issue with no simple answer. I would recommend reading up, a very well done book for partners is Allies in Healing. https://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834

I found my therapist searching specifically for those that had experience with sexual abuse and trauma. I managed to get really lucky on the first try and even found one that took my insurance.

Based on my experience with my therapist, you absolutely should find someone specializing in this type of subject. They will have insight, experience, and training to properly guide your recovery that other general counselors may not.

As far as time length goes, 10 sessions is a good start, but will likely not be enough. I've been going weekly since November, and still have a lot of work to do. The good news is that most therapists/counselors will work with people who can't afford to pay the full amount.

The fact that you are willing to get help is a HUGE step, and you should be proud of yourself for making it. You have started the path of recovery. It's going to be rough as hell, but in the end you'll wind up a better person for it.

As far as techniques, the main one my therapist is using is a 6 question test when you get triggered. When it happens, answer these questions immediately. Write them down, put them in a journal, whatever works for you:

What am I:

1. Seeing?
2. Hearing?
3. Smelling?
4. Tasting?
5. Sensing?
6. Feeling?

Do it every time. Even if it's the same answer over and over. You may start to notice a pattern.

For example: A woman was triggered in the middle of traffic one day, and she couldn't understand why. She did the questions, and she and her therapist figured out that it was the smell of diesel fuel that was doing it. Her abuser was a mechanic.

Once you being to understand the things that trigger you, and why, you'll start to be able to manage them better.

And lastly i'll leave you with a book that was recommended to me for couples. You and your husband both should read this book, as it will give you both insight into yourself and the recovery process.

The book is called Allies in Healing, and you can get it on Kindle or physical copy. It's helped my wife understand what i'm going through, and what to expect.

Check out this book http://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834

There's one for survivors, also.