I looked a bit more at your post history, and it looks a little bit like me and my WS. He's also got an anxious-avoidant attachment style identified by our current MC. Its looking like a lot of this is because of cptsd from his childhood. Hes got a history of sex/porn addiction/compulsion identified by a prior MC (but I didn't see that in your post history). Im not formally identified by any therapist with this, but I think my attachment style tends to be more secure (prob a little bit anxious), but also became more anxious post dday.
We had a really, hard time after dday. If I had posted about what he'd done and how he'd been behaving in the AOAI sub just about everyone would have told me he's just selfish, one of he "always a cheater" types, a narcissist.. they probably would have recommended at least a separation to make him realize what he was loosing (since suggesting divorce is against the rules there).
Some differences are that we don't have kids (expecting first next year), and my WS is male (im F). Apparently sex makes a difference in being able to cope with talking about emotions. I also have a history of cptsd but not as early as his, depression, and anxiety. We both have an IC. We're on our second MC. If your WS doesn't already have an IC, I do suggest it. It helps me to avoid compounding my non-infidelity and infidelity stuff together, and coming at my WS with more baggage than he is responsible for. I realize i shouldn't have to, but its just practical, for getting what I want, which is a more secure WS and successful R.
We're going to be 4yrs past dday in feb 2023. Im so happy I stayed. Im not confident enough to say we're done with R and will definitely stay together because I'm really conservative with making sweeping promises in general, but I really like our chances. I had to work hard to reel myself in when I was flying off the handle, but still balancing expressing my feelings, and avoiding his triggers. WS had to do the same, and then some. He made sooo many baby steps. And each baby step had baby sub-steps, and there were issues behind those sub steps. So many layers!
Our first MC was an emotionally focused therapist (EFT). I was not a fan of her but she undoubtedly helped my WS. He was completely out of touch with his feelings, and she cracked his shell open. Our second MC was gottman trained. Hes really helping to catch repeating patterns and helping us maintain communication in healthy ways.. one of the big things hes emphasized is to have us turn towards each other when were in distress, but also recognize when we might need time or space to have a break and come back to things later. For us (I know we're not you guys), he discouraged us from separating, as long as neither of us were abusive or in danger. My WS also has his own IC (who im not sure about) who is helping him learn to manage his feelings by positive self talk and meditation.
Books my WS has read include: https://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Focused-Workbook-Couples-Two/dp/041574248X - this was recommended by our first MC. Again, I was not a fan, but she helped my anxious-avoidant WS a lot.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1592408419/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1668715476&sr=8-1 This might be my WSs favorite book so far. Its got a section on shame resilience that hes just recently started trying to apply in his own life. He's had a couple of breakthrough moments that he attributes to this book.
https://www.amazon.com/Going-Deeper-Addiction-Recovery-Childhood/dp/B096YW2ZTX/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=4L41SDDY0EXS&keywords=going+deeper+eddie+capparucci&qid=1668715585&sprefix=going+deeper%2Caps%2C271&sr=8-1 my WS struggles with this one, because he identifies a lot with the inner child archetypes in the book. However, its very, very biased towards an audience that is a heterosexual straight Christian male, in a way that WS finds kind of offensive and detracts from the book. But the meat of the books contents regarding the theory and guidance resonated so strongly for him that hes powering through it. If there is a book like this, that focuses on "inner child" work and its role in infidelity maybe that would be helpful for you? My WS reads this book, then spirals and feels overwhelmed because he identifies with it so strongly, but can then turn to ideas in Daring Greatly to try to self correct.
We also have the Body Keeps the Score up next, that seems to be popular for people with cptsd or at least on r/cptsd: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=2Q98MQA63L0BC&keywords=body+keeps+the+score&qid=1668715971&sprefix=body+keeps+the+score%2Caps%2C220&sr=8- In it, it describes specific types of interventions the author thinks are good for cptsd, like emdr, ifs, physical activity.
And also next we have: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/reviews/0684838656/ref=cm_cr_unknown?ie=UTF8&filterByStar=one_star&pageNumber=1 .. this one was kind of a wild card idea of mine. Its partially because we're expecting our first kid, and WS is verrrrrry afraid of turning his kids into someone like him. He doesn't want to raise them feeling invalidated and threatened all the time. I figured it could also help me as a BS of someone with cptsd recognize good ways to model behavior with both him and our future kid. But we haven't gotten into it yet.
Anyway sorry I rambled. But obviously not that sorry that I stopped myself. The TLDR i guess is... There's still hope.
This is a good EFT workbook for couples as well. https://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Focused-Workbook-Couples-Two/dp/041574248X
Hmm from reading your other responses, it sounds complicated (ah, life).. But it is kind of interesting hes seeing a therapist. Have you tried to talk to his therapist about your concerns? Maybe if nothing else he can give you more quick ideas or tips to investigate as options.
You also mention you guys can have good conversations sometimes but you dont talk about how he makes you feel. Have you tried to bring it up yourself? Maybe right when if happens (if youre able to talk calmly), or even later, when maybe you can articulate better. Sorry if its kind of a basic suggestion, but actually me and my spouse are trying to learn better communication too (he also can be sort of verbally slappy when cranky, but hes gotten much better.. With couples therapy). Also in case its helpful this is a book we're using https://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Focused-Workbook-Couples-Two/dp/041574248X and it seems to actually help. My spouse is also doctor and therapy averse too so its a miracle he responds to it, imho.
Sorry i know this is an Alzheimer's sub and not marriage counselling but for real, sticking with an Alzheimer's person you can't stand is just going to make it worse for both of you. But maybe theres still time to make it a little better? It will suck no matter what, but maybe you if you can at least talk enough so you both can have a clear conscience it should help.
I can't help but wonder if part of the change is because he is afraid of Alzheimer's and doesn't know how to deal and doesn't think youd understand. At his age without a history of early onset in his fam i doubt the personality changes are because of Alzheimer's as a symptom.
Whatever happens don't feel bad for wanting to bail. Many have had the impulse even when the prior relationship was good. If you search around i think there were even some old posts where kids of someone who had dementia wanted to leave, and if they had a bad relationship before who could blame them.
Take care and good luck.
My relationship was hitting rock bottom. We ordered this workbook and it has helped us in establishing guidelines for conversations and arguments.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Focused-Workbook-Couples-Two/dp/041574248X/
Pete Walker's work about emotional flashbacks has been useful too. Letting my partner know that's what was going on with me has helped them to be more compassionate when I've been overwhelmed in our disagreements. If the concept resonates with you, maybe explaining that to your partner will be helpful?
http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm
With these two things, the relationship has gotten a lot better.