I've been there. You have to realize that she's got a hurricane going on inside of her. Some people internalize it, some people externalize it, and it sounds like she is the former. It sucks. It's OK to be honest with her, but do so from a place of empathy for what she's going though (and with the knowledge that you can't possibly know what it's like for her). It's not that pregnancy gives someone a free pass to check out of their role in a relationship, but it can be scary as hell, and people deal with that kind of fear differently.
Talking to a therapist or counselor might well be your best bet here, because (a) you say you're experiencing depression, (b) you can vent without feeling like you're attacking your partner and (c) those feelings of fear and inadequacy about being a husband and father are things therapists have dealt with in other soon-to-be fathers, and they can definitely help you overcome them.
My situation may be very different from yours, but I definitely had some of the same fears you do. I once heard somebody say that childbirth is the most amazing thing that's happened to every single person on Earth. Fatherhood is the same. Just because your fears are common doesn't make them any less valid or painful. Talking to someone can help you get real context and understanding of them and keep you from making a decision in the moment that might have long-term consequences.
Once the baby is here, you might also check out And Baby Makes Three, which deals with how to maintain your relationship after the birth of a child. A good friend is a therapist and frequently recommends it to new parents.
Very tough. Very common. Good luck. Here's a book I like that's kind of on the topic. Some of the stuff is kind off off the wall in terms of who their audience is (like the kinds of things people say to each either) but it may prove useful.
And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives https://www.amazon.com/dp/140009738X/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_VN1ZABW7Q42J9HXME9C2
My husband and I did a Gottman Institute weekend workshop for new parents, it was a godsend. It really improved our communication, helped keep our partnership strong, and our relationship flourish despite being under the most intense stress. Not to say we didn’t have arguments or bad times, but we always reverted back to what we learned and it helped so much.
I highly recommend you checking out Dr Gottman’s methods. What I like is that he studied thousands of divorces couples and rooted his findings in data.
And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives https://www.amazon.com/dp/140009738X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_QBN2BAV99XVSMJAEH6CX
My husband and I took the Love Languages Quiz and the Gottman Institute’s Bringing Home Baby course just before giving birth (seriously the weekend before).
I strongly recommend you both take the Love Languages quiz... so my husband learned that I felt loved when he did some extra work around the house and I learned that he felt love when I told him how much I love and appreciate him on a more regular basis.
Here’s [Gottman’s book Baby Makes Three](https://www.amazon.com/dp/140009738X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabc_lXOWFb7189SZ6, I haven’t read it but if it’s anything like the course it’ll be helpful.
One thing I learned was the analogy to think of your partner as like a “love bank” and for every 1 “withdrawal” (like an argument or some frustration) you would have had to make 5 “deposits” (loving gestures, gifts, words of affirmation, etc). So it’s not like a 1-to-1 ratio of withdrawals and deposits, you actually have to do MORE nice things for your SO to withstand a negative situation.
Another thing that helped was to create a system where my husband and I are both equal caretakers/partners. Initially I took the brunt of the load cuz I thought I needed to as a new mom, but I wound up building up a lot of resentment (I’m not gonna lie, I had a sobbing meltdown). After that my husband took on a lot more, he felt more like and equal partner and I didn’t feel so stressed and filled w resentment.
You’ve got some good advice here. I’d recommend the book And Baby Makes Three.
It has a lot of great insight for new parents, including stuff you can do now to increase marital happiness. The fact that you’re willing to acknowledge your own shortcomings is a great start. Good luck!
I’m reading this book and am really enjoying it:
https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Makes-Three-Preserving-Rekindling/dp/140009738X
John Gottman is like the master of relationships, I had read a lot about him in my counseling and child development courses in college. It makes sense he knows his baby stuff too.
Well done! I’m so glad you were able to talk about it.
If it helps, Dr John Gottman has researched and written extensively about marital conflict management and communication. My husband and I are really getting into his book about the transition to parenthood. Check it out.
Sending you the best!
Try "And Baby Makes Three"! I've seen it recommended many times.
Postpartum depression/anxiety is both incredibly common and highly treatable. Talk to your primary care physician if you’re feeling lost or dealing with anxiety that is becoming overwhelming.
You might also check out And Baby Makes Three by John & Julie Gottman. It’s what many couples or postpartum therapists recommend for those trying to maintain their relationship after the birth of a child.
I just posted this on a thread in beyondthebump yesterday, but I highly recommend both you and your wife read “And Baby Makes Three”... it addresses a lot of the changes that happen in relationships in the first year after baby. It sounds like you would both benefit from some of the tips in that book, but even if you are the only one to read it, it can still be extremely helpful! My fiancé hasn’t read it, but I saw huge changes in our relationship and communication when I applied the strategies in that book, because the truth is, I was part of the problem... and if course the sleep deprivation didn’t help anything. We certainly aren’t perfect, but our relationship is in a great place a year and a half out. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!
Link: https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Makes-Three-Preserving-Rekindling/dp/140009738X
I just read “And Baby Makes Three” which has some good ideas for communication for new parents- May help some with the parental stress parts amazon link
And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives https://www.amazon.com/dp/140009738X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_XYKXGK5CNES2FXCZ38Y1
I bought this book and I like it for the most part. Some of it feels a bit ridiculous and should go without saying but you have to remember that they are casting a wide net and trying to improve the lives of a partners with very wide array of issues that boil down to some basic, easy to follow things to remember that will help you master your relationship together.
And Baby Makes Three: The... https://www.amazon.com/dp/140009738X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
This book is also helpful for a more mechanically focused way to improve your relationship by finding the right balance of responsibility between you and your partner.
Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0525541942/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_7W3XSQ6X0ME5N6V2SQ8G
Happy to answer more questions or listen if you just want to rant about it. It's hard and nothing is foolproof. You have to focus on what you're building together, whether that's a family, a life, your careers, or even just your relationship into a mutually meaningful and fulfilling experience. Once you have a lot of the basic stuff down you can reduce net stress and increase net affection that is usually fertile ground for sex. There's also a subreddit called r/deadbedrooms (or something) that is dedicated to this issue more generally but has lots of support and advice for a lot of people in a number of unique circumstances.
This book (Baby Makes Three) may be a starting point for you to discuss. Even if you read it just yourself, it’ll probably open your eyes a bit.
Read Dr’s Gottman’s books And Baby Makes Three and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Also, if you haven’t done it already I strongly encourage you both to take the love languages quiz and discuss your results
We did Dr Gottman’s Bringing Baby Home workshop before I gave birth and it really helped our communication a lot. One thing that stuck with me is that they said that doing something nice for your SO and having a dispute doesn’t cancel each other out on a 1:1 basis. You have to do something nice for your SO to show your love 5x more than any disagreement. They likened it to putting deposits into a love bank, so that when you have a disagreement and have to make a “withdrawal” that the love your SO feels for you isn’t depleted.
I think knowing and understanding how your partner receives and understands love is a big part of that.
My husband and I split all of the baby caring duties 50/50 too, even nighttimes we alternate who sleeps w ear plugs in. His love language is “words of affirmation” so even though he’s doing “his” caring duties, I’ll still stop every now and then to give him a big hug and tell him thoughtfully how much his support means to me and that I couldn’t do any of this without him.
My love language is “acts of service” so if I have a particularly difficult night or am just caught in the monotony of our daily routine, my husband will sometimes do “my” chores in addition to his own. Even something as simple as loading the washing machine for me is much appreciated.
I know the love bank sounds kind of silly. But it’s rooted in data and research. And it’s easy to remember, have I made a deposit to the love bank lately? Have I shown my husband that I love him in a way that he understands? If it hasn’t happened in a day or 2 then it’s time to re-up.
I highly recommend the Gottman Institute
My husband and I took a weekend workshop before our baby was born and it helped our communication immensely.
I’m not sure if they’re doing virtual workshops, I think it’s totally worth looking into. It was around $500 though and like 8hrs/day 2 days. So I know not everyone has the time or the resources to do that.
Alternatively he has a book called And Baby Makes Three and The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work
I haven’t read them since I did the workshop, but I’d highly recommend anything by this dude. He puts it into simple terms anyone can understand and it comes from a research based findings.
Definitely have your husband read it too.
Hey! My partner and I have a three week old. I'm definitely not qualified to offer advice yet (or caught up on sleep), but here are three books that I'm very thankful to have read.
Great advice on how to keep your relationship healthy:
How to be awesome during pregnancy/labor/delivery:
Evidence-based info on how to calm an infant--don't let the cheesy title fool you. I can't imagine what the last couple weeks would've been like without reading this:
Definitely take the meds.
Do you know why your SO is anti-meds? I'd probably consider reasoning with him? "Hey, let's try meds for 2 months and then check in and see how I'm doing." You can also say, "1 in 7 women have PPD, my doctor diagnosed me, and I don't feel okay so I want to try them."
I also would recommend adding counseling to the mix. I believe it is reasonable to want a safe space to share your thoughts/frustrations and to take time to understand and validate your feelings. Counselors can oftentimes give you tools to work though things contributing to your sadness.
Here is a link about something called "emotional coaching"... It's geared towards how a parent can handle their child's emotions, but it's true in adult relationships too. One book by this author that I would recommend reading is "And Baby Makes Three" about the transition to parenthood. Might help.
"And baby makes three" - I've been enjoying that one. I also like his other relationship book - I think he and his wife are very wise and fair.
So, you're obviously past the "first baby" stage, but I still think this book might help a lot: And Baby Makes Three
It was a huge help for my wife and me dealing with our marriage and two kids (ours were born just over a year apart). If you'd like something more generally applicable to marriage, John Gottman has another book, The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work.
I really cannot recommend them highly enough.