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Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love?
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I've gone through this before and it sucks. I ended it and believe it was the right decision, but that's not the case for everyone. There's a really great book (and audiobook) called Attached that talks about the ways our attachment styles influence our relationships. I'm wondering if something like that is happening here. If so, your experience isn't as uncommon as you might think and while it's a sad situation, it's not because of anything you've done wrong. There's also r/attachment_theory, which is probably a solid way to get a basic idea. See if it resonates with you! Best of luck.
Read Attached. > https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
You don't have to read the entire book, but the following is crucial
- Take the diagnostic as applied to your recent relationship
- Read the three chapters on avoidant, secure, and anxious types
If it resonates, then read the rest of the book (which is also very good).
> I looked it up because I was just ghosted by a guy I like, and I started obsessing over it to the point that it just took me over! I reflected like, what in the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let it go?
Yeah, it's a mindfuck. You thought about this person so much that now that they're gone, you're concerned that they walked away with your chance for happiness in life. Your brain has panicked! You put them on a pedestal...etc. The book has coping mechanisms and a framework to objectively describe your situation.
> Honestly, I’ve never considered myself an anxious person, because I don’t get anxious about anything else. But dear god am I anxious attachment in relationships.
Yep. So, the book has things to look for in potential partners. In turn, how do you communicate with them ("I'm anxious. I need intimacy and responsiveness in communication. Can we find a workable solution where everyday, we reserve a time to connect?") and how do you shift (if desired) to a more secure base in dating.
>I feel like now that its clicked for me, I’d like to work on being mindful. Noticing when I’m doing it and reminding myself to relax.
Yes, for anxious types, "skipping a beat", doubting absolutes, etc. are the antidote.
Question: do you have much experience dating? Another resolution is to go on more dates and help realize that the probability that the one you were obsessed with isn't the only one out there with those positive attributes that you liked.
I hope this link works :)
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_rAKvFbK7WGJNA
If it doesn't, search on Kindle or Amazon, etc
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
Authors: Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Read “Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment.” It addresses exactly what you experience. Practically in your exact words. I’m listening to the audiobook right now.
Did we talk about attachment styles in your other thread? I'd suggest doing a lot of reading about adult attachment and applying it to your own life. A lot of people have recommend the book Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. I haven't read it myself though.
I strongly suspect you have an anxious attachment style, which will drive your partners away as well as making you attracted to men who are unavailable and 'bad' for you. It is possible to change your attachment style with lots of self-awareness and work, though.
Oh friend, I want to reach through the internet and hug you in a consenting, non-creepy fashion. This comment is going to be long. Buckle up.
I'm a polyamorous anxious attacher too, and here is my advice. I'm breaking it into two sections; advice for you personally, and advice for your relationships.
If you're an anxious attacher, it's possible you are a more anxious person in general. I have an anxiety disorder, and here's what helps me manage it:
- Journaling, including feels!vomit of my most shitty and obnoxious emotions--loneliness, jealousy, PMS, etc. I'm a writer professionally and for fun, and often I feel like I haven't truly exorcised a negative experience or emotion until it's in my notebook. I write down the good stuff too, but it doesn't have the same 'getting it out' feeling that writing down the bad stuff does.
- Meditation. Ten minutes a day, every day. After about two weeks, I began experiencing my anxiety as something separate from myself, something I could observe non-judgmentally and try to talk myself through, or treat kindly the way I would a frightened animal. I use the Calm app on my phone, and I know lots of people who like Headspace.
- Therapy with a sex-positive, poly-friendly therapist on the reg. I got into therapy about six months ago to deal with the anxiety I have around relationships, and it turns out SURPRISE! anxiety about one thing is often a symptom of a deeper anxiety about other, much bigger things.
- Regular load bearing exercise has done wonders for my mental health. I like rock climbing, other people like to lift, and some people respond best to cardio or restorative exercise like yin yoga. If you're physically able to exercise, give it a shot and, after a few weeks, see if you feel a little more even-tempered.
- A habit tracker. I track the things I want to do each day (write, meditate, exercise, eat well, etc.) and non-judgmentally log them in a journal. That way if I'm having a badbrain day, I can look back over what I've accomplished and celebrate it. Non-judgmental responses are key here--I don't use it to beat myself up, ever.
For your relationships:
- Read this book. Based on your post title, you already know something about attachment theory, so maybe you've read it already. This book blew my mind when it came to understanding two-person dynamics. It's written from a monogamous perspective, so you have to take it with a grain of salt (super heteronormative, too), but it's really helped me pick apart and understand weird dynamics between me and past partners. If your partner is avoidant, you'll probably have a challenging time working through this relationship problem, since you'll be triggering each other's relationship and intimacy anxieties with behavior that, to each of you, feels authentic and normal.
- Tell your partner what's going on. Seriously. Clearly. Sit them down and have a come to Jesus talk with them about how you're feeling about everything. If you don't tell them what's going on for you, you're robbing them of the opportunity to help. Then...
- Control what you can control, and release what you can't. It's possible you'll have this conversation and nothing substantial will change. You can't make someone desire you more, you can't make your metamours be nice to you, and you certainly can't resolve other people's relationship conflicts. You can set boundaries around how you want to be treated and how much and what kind of time you want in order to feel safe and confident in a relationship. The scary thing about stating boundaries clearly is that your partner has to choose to respect them, and some people won't. If he doesn't, dump him. Clearly articulating how you want to be treated and holding other people responsible for their behavior toward you is a fundamental piece of self-respect.
- Make sure you have a life outside your relationship. Monogamy is a huge trigger for my relationship anxiety if I have a polyamorous partner. I do much better emotionally if I have a distributed net of people to connect with, help, and rely on for support, and that makes me better at all my relationships.
- Recognize and accept that some things are your fundamental rights in healthy relationships. You are entitled to respect. You are entitled to safety. You are entitled to privacy. Read the Secondary's Bill of Rights. These aren't just good rules for polyamory, they're good rules for relationships, period.
Be kind to yourself. Being an anxious attacher, or having anxiety in general, does not mean there's anything wrong with you. Your anxiety is not something you have to apologize for, and it's not something you have to cope with alone. A good partner will see you suffering and want to help you where they can. I hope your partner is that kind of guy.
EDIT: Unfucked the markdown.
Neediness comes from "insecurity", a psychology technical term from attachment theory. I'm confident this book will help you. It's a classic in the field, easy to get at a library or on Amazon.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
by Levine and Heller
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I found this (https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B0049H9AVU/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o03?ie=UTF8&psc=1) book incredibly helpful. I definitely have an insecure attachment style, which is annoying, but knowing is half the battle!
Here's the thing, in most cases, the most information-dense and accurate books will be textbooks. That's the case for damn near any topic in Psychology (basically any science, really). Books like the one mentioned (Attached) are written to catch peoples' attention and make them think one book can solve their relationship issues (it can be argued from whom this idea originates -- whether the author or the consumer). I'm sure there's still some good information in there, and it's likely much easier a read than a textbook. That being said, while it's admittedly only one person, a proclaimed therapist did review the book -- and not favorably.
Here's an alternative that I found. It's a pretty thorough (despite it saying "brief") overview of Attachment theory by a Professor at the University of Illinois, which includes references to published literature on the topic. To be upfront about a few things, I have a B.S. in Psychology and am starting a grad program in Clinical Psych. this Fall (definitely not an expert); this is not my alma mater (so no bias there), and I honestly only skimmed through it but it all looked good to me.
The book "Attached" is a good start!
Could be codependency, but also sounds a lot like Anxious Attachment style and often the two go hand in hand. Take a look at the book Attached (https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_1?crid=6DY4TLF78SPI&keywords=attached&qid=1649359503&sprefix=attache%2Caps%2C204&sr=8-1) or some of the School of Life videos starting with this one - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2s9ACDMcpjA
This book changed my life and made me understand why I react the way I do in relationships and intimacy, and helped me begin to repair it.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Attached by Levine & Heller
There's a lot of studies that they mention. Fascinating stuff.
Read this book. It explains this anxious/avoidant relationship dynamic and should help you. It helped me a lot.
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