I've gone through this before and it sucks. I ended it and believe it was the right decision, but that's not the case for everyone. There's a really great book (and audiobook) called Attached that talks about the ways our attachment styles influence our relationships. I'm wondering if something like that is happening here. If so, your experience isn't as uncommon as you might think and while it's a sad situation, it's not because of anything you've done wrong. There's also r/attachment_theory, which is probably a solid way to get a basic idea. See if it resonates with you! Best of luck.
Read Attached. > https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
You don't have to read the entire book, but the following is crucial
If it resonates, then read the rest of the book (which is also very good).
> I looked it up because I was just ghosted by a guy I like, and I started obsessing over it to the point that it just took me over! I reflected like, what in the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let it go?
Yeah, it's a mindfuck. You thought about this person so much that now that they're gone, you're concerned that they walked away with your chance for happiness in life. Your brain has panicked! You put them on a pedestal...etc. The book has coping mechanisms and a framework to objectively describe your situation.
> Honestly, I’ve never considered myself an anxious person, because I don’t get anxious about anything else. But dear god am I anxious attachment in relationships.
Yep. So, the book has things to look for in potential partners. In turn, how do you communicate with them ("I'm anxious. I need intimacy and responsiveness in communication. Can we find a workable solution where everyday, we reserve a time to connect?") and how do you shift (if desired) to a more secure base in dating.
>I feel like now that its clicked for me, I’d like to work on being mindful. Noticing when I’m doing it and reminding myself to relax.
Yes, for anxious types, "skipping a beat", doubting absolutes, etc. are the antidote.
Question: do you have much experience dating? Another resolution is to go on more dates and help realize that the probability that the one you were obsessed with isn't the only one out there with those positive attributes that you liked.
I hope this link works :)
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_rAKvFbK7WGJNA
If it doesn't, search on Kindle or Amazon, etc
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
Authors: Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Read “Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment.” It addresses exactly what you experience. Practically in your exact words. I’m listening to the audiobook right now.
Did we talk about attachment styles in your other thread? I'd suggest doing a lot of reading about adult attachment and applying it to your own life. A lot of people have recommend the book Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. I haven't read it myself though.
I strongly suspect you have an anxious attachment style, which will drive your partners away as well as making you attracted to men who are unavailable and 'bad' for you. It is possible to change your attachment style with lots of self-awareness and work, though.
Oh friend, I want to reach through the internet and hug you in a consenting, non-creepy fashion. This comment is going to be long. Buckle up.
I'm a polyamorous anxious attacher too, and here is my advice. I'm breaking it into two sections; advice for you personally, and advice for your relationships.
If you're an anxious attacher, it's possible you are a more anxious person in general. I have an anxiety disorder, and here's what helps me manage it:
For your relationships:
Be kind to yourself. Being an anxious attacher, or having anxiety in general, does not mean there's anything wrong with you. Your anxiety is not something you have to apologize for, and it's not something you have to cope with alone. A good partner will see you suffering and want to help you where they can. I hope your partner is that kind of guy.
EDIT: Unfucked the markdown.
Neediness comes from "insecurity", a psychology technical term from attachment theory. I'm confident this book will help you. It's a classic in the field, easy to get at a library or on Amazon.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
by Levine and Heller
​
​
​
I found this (https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B0049H9AVU/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o03?ie=UTF8&psc=1) book incredibly helpful. I definitely have an insecure attachment style, which is annoying, but knowing is half the battle!
Here's the thing, in most cases, the most information-dense and accurate books will be textbooks. That's the case for damn near any topic in Psychology (basically any science, really). Books like the one mentioned (Attached) are written to catch peoples' attention and make them think one book can solve their relationship issues (it can be argued from whom this idea originates -- whether the author or the consumer). I'm sure there's still some good information in there, and it's likely much easier a read than a textbook. That being said, while it's admittedly only one person, a proclaimed therapist did review the book -- and not favorably.
Here's an alternative that I found. It's a pretty thorough (despite it saying "brief") overview of Attachment theory by a Professor at the University of Illinois, which includes references to published literature on the topic. To be upfront about a few things, I have a B.S. in Psychology and am starting a grad program in Clinical Psych. this Fall (definitely not an expert); this is not my alma mater (so no bias there), and I honestly only skimmed through it but it all looked good to me.
The book "Attached" is a good start!
Could be codependency, but also sounds a lot like Anxious Attachment style and often the two go hand in hand. Take a look at the book Attached (https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_1?crid=6DY4TLF78SPI&keywords=attached&qid=1649359503&sprefix=attache%2Caps%2C204&sr=8-1) or some of the School of Life videos starting with this one - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2s9ACDMcpjA
This book changed my life and made me understand why I react the way I do in relationships and intimacy, and helped me begin to repair it.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Attached by Levine & Heller
There's a lot of studies that they mention. Fascinating stuff.
Read this book. It explains this anxious/avoidant relationship dynamic and should help you. It helped me a lot.