What is Reddit's opinion of Be Nice! [Explicit]?

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

You shouldn't be allowed to have a wedding until you've already been married for 5 years. Prove you're not wasting our time and money by going to this. I have a friend that got married and between plane ticket, tux rental, and a gift it cost me $1,000 to go to his wedding. He was divorced in 2 years. So essentially, I just dropped a grand to give a Crock-Pot to someone I'm not allowed to like anymore. That's a shit investment. And if you split up after having a destination wedding? That divorce shouldn't be legally finalized until you go down on everyone that attended. You two don't get to finish until we all do.

PLUG: My debut stand-up album will be released on February 23rd but is available for pre-order right now on iTunes, Google Play and on Amazon. So if you'd like to hear how this joke or dozens of others I've posted in this sub over the years sounds out loud, this is the best option. Otherwise, see y'all on twitter and Instagram. Thanks! <3

This is obviously just a joke. I mean, I haven't had sex with 10 people. Who am I, Wilt Chamberlain? But if you're still curious, I'm actually not gay. I'm just what's known on most gaydars as a "false positive." I get it. I'm very whimsical... also, I have been known to say that I think man buns look like door knobs that open the mayor's office to Pound Town, so I understand the confusion.

But whenever someone says I'm gay, I always take it as a compliment. I go, "Wait. You think if I move to your neighborhood your property value goes up and you get a Whole Foods? Well, thank you, blue eyes."

PLUG: Does this joke sound familiar? It's actually the first joke I ever posted in this sub almost 5 years ago. And it'll be featured on my debut stand-up album, which will be released on February 23rd but is available for pre-order right now on iTunes, Google Play and on Amazon. So if you'd like to hear how this joke or dozens of others I've posted in this sub over the years sounds out loud, this is the best option. Otherwise, see y'all on twitter and Instagram. Thanks! <3

I can prove a lot of these mass shooters are doing it for attention: just look where they're shooting. Schools, theaters, and parks. Places where when we hear about it we go, "Oh my God. Why would someone do that?" Gets tons of ratings as we try to figure out their motivation. They know this. That's why you never hear about mass shootings at the DMV.

They all know nobody's going to say, "Oh my God, did you hear??? Why would someone... want to shoot up a DMV?!?!"

If that story was on Reddit you wouldn't even click on the article. You'd be like, "Well that fucking took long enough. Ooh, they're remaking Legends of the Hidden Temple with Ryan Reynolds? Upvote!"

If there was a mass shooting at the DMV while I was there, my first thought wouldn't be, "Oh my God, we need gun control!" or "Oh my God, we need to talk about mental health!" It'd be "Oh my God... I just moved up six spots in line! Thank you!"

PLUG: If you enjoy my material, I just released a stand-up album, which is available now on iTunes, Google Play, Amazon, and Spotify. So if you'd like to hear how this joke or dozens of others I've posted in this sub over the years sounds out loud, this is the best option. Otherwise, see y'all on twitter and Instagram. Thanks! <3

Back in high school my face was a disaster. My forehead looked like an aerial view of a skate park. My complexion was like the X-games: both brought to you by Doritos and Mountain Dew.

Having really bad acne changes your perspective. In college my friends and I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre for the first time. When Leatherface murdered people and turned their skin into a mask, my friends went, "Ooooh, scary!" while I was like, "Ooooh... I need to learn how to sew."

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SHAMELESS PLUG: If you enjoy my stuff, I'm on Twitter and Instagram. I also have an album, which is available on iTunes, Amazon, Google Play, Spotify, and Pandora. Thanks!

It's important to remember the news is a TV show like any other. Their primary concern is ratings, and the way they get ratings is by scaring you so you're too afraid to leave them. Essentially, the news is that person on Tinder saying, "I hate dramaaaaaa!" But then when you hook up with them they put your ferret in the microwave.

Have you seen how scary the trailers for the news have gotten lately?

"Don't go ANYWHERE! When we come back... could YOUR neighbor be a pedophile?!"

And you're at home like, "Oh shit. Could he be? I mean, what are the odds... there are two of us in this building?"

PLUG: If you enjoy my material, I released a stand-up album, which is available now on iTunes, Google Play, Amazon, Spotify, and Pandora. So if you'd like to hear how this joke or dozens of others I've posted in this sub over the years sounds out loud, this is the best option. Otherwise, see y'all on twitter and Instagram. Thanks! <3

Big news for me: I got engaged a few weeks ago! They say you're supposed to spend what you make in a month on a ring, and as a comedian, you have no idea how hard it was to find one that cost negative $42. I walked up to the jeweler like, "Would you also accept 3 drink tickets? How about 2 1/2 hot dogs? Reddit karma? C'mon, work with me, man! She has to say 'yes!' I need her work's health insurance!"

Shameless Plugs: my Twitter, my Instagram, and my album (also available on Amazon, Google Play, Spotify and Pandora). Thanks!

Tangentially related jokes:

-At 34 I have acne and am afraid no one understands me, so it wasn't a suggestion but a curse when everyone wrote in my yearbook to "Never change."

-Disney altering Scar’s appearance in ‘The Lion King’ is my least favorite thing from the ‘90s corporations have changed besides one day being able to afford a house and retire.

-That said, I'd love to see a 'Rugrats' reboot where they're all unvaccinated.

SHAMELESS PLUGS: My Twitter and Instagram for other silly make-em-ups, and I have an album which is available on iTunes, Amazon, Google Play, Spotify and Pandora. Thanks!

Other quick kid jokes:

-If you post a pic of your new baby to social media and it gets less than 100 likes you should be allowed to take it back to the hospital.

-Children are like farts: you don't think yours are that bad. But other people's? Disgusting, obnoxious, and in airplanes and movie theaters you wish they'd smother them.

-Children are like sponges: they absorb everything, are covered in bacteria, and the best way to clean them is by sticking 'em in the microwave.

PLUGS: For more short jokes, I'm on Twitter and Instagram, and if you wanna hear longer bits and how they sound out loud, I have an album available on iTunes, Amazon, Google Play, Spotify, and Pandora. Thanks!

Or at the end, the girl would go, "I should try to pee. I don't want to get a UTI." You wouldn't spank your monkey to that.

Or at the beginning when they decide to lay a towel down because they just washed that comforter two days ago and don't feel like doing laundry again this week. You wouldn't choke your chicken to that.

Or if in the middle when the guy has to reapply lube for the fourth time. Now his hand is all sticky and he doesn't know what to wipe it on, so he just has to awkwardly hold it up and fuck you with a little T-Rex arm the entire time. Anyone gonna sandblast their platypus to that?

My point is... WRESTLING. IS. AMAZING. Know your role and shit your mouth, Jabroni.

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PLUGS: If you'd like to hear how this joke sounds out loud, it's at the end of this video. If you'd like to hear more of my stuff, I have an album called 'Be Nice!' out on iTunes, Google Play, Amazon, Spotify and Pandora. Otherwise, see y'all on twitter and Instagram.

And yes, I'm doing a Ric Flair impression in this pic.