The light at the end of the tunnel is that it is possible to figure out a way to interact with people. There is nothing wrong with people who have Aspergers, however, it does present a compatibility problem with people who are neuro-typical. You may note that when you meet that rare fellow Aspergers person in real life, communication is super simple, you share similar values, communicate clearly, it's like they're your long lost sibling that you are re-uniting with rather than a complete stranger you just met 10 min ago.
For neuro-typicals, that's the ease of communication they have with each other. It's like one group is running Windows and the other is running Linux. They're both fine operating systems, but a program on one doesn't run on the other.
The problem is that neuro-typicals are roughly 199 out of 200 and aspies are roughly 1 out of 200. Thus, you are automatically like a foreigner even in your own home country.
The solutions are similar as well. Given that you are in this foreign land, you need to consciously and bit-by-bit learn their customs, mannerisms, cultural norms, etc. Ironically, you might find this far easier to do in an actual foreign country, where people at least give you the benefit of the doubt because you are foreign.
I've recommended this book a few times to others, but I think you would find it extremely useful as well: https://www.amazon.com/Been-There-Done-That-This/dp/1849059640
Oh you can. The primary purpose of a speaking with a professional is to make sure that the information is actually of use to you. You wouldn't want to invest a bunch of time researching something that ultimately ends up being a dead end with no practical use for you.
If you are afraid that a diagnosis might be found out and used against you at your place of work or elsewhere, then I would recommend still seeing a professional, going through the process, and then "aborting" it at the last minute and having no official diagnosis, even though they basically already told you. No records on file mean nothing that could potentially leak from their office.
That being said, if you are very confident that you have Aspergers, then the best place to start, in my opinion, would be this book from Tony Attwood: https://www.amazon.com/Been-There-Done-That-This/dp/1849059640
I am a therapist at Just Mind in Austin that specializes in ASD. There is a lot you can do but it can be helpful to know the specifics of what’s been problematic or challenging.
Social skills are like any muscle and they need to be built up. It helps to utilize things that tie to your interests. Things like DND are fantastic.
Sometimes meltdowns are made worse by previous traumatic events like bullying or even the meltdowns themselves. There is a lot of interesting work that can be done with EMDR and somatic therapies. I have used EMDR with my ASD and neurotypical clients and it has helped make progress that otherwise would have taken years.
I often do a lot of educational work with my clients looking at best practices from ASD mentors. Tony Attwood has a book called “been there. Done that. Try this!” which I really like. A lot of ASD work (as a therapist) is like looking at code, understanding it, and finding ways to make it work better. I hope that’s helpful.
Been There. Done That. Try This!: An Aspie's Guide to Life on Earth https://www.amazon.com/dp/1849059640/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_gIH6FbV9EH6KN
I’ll tell you right now, I wasn’t a big fan of Aspergirls right because there was a little bit of a “THIS is what they call a hopeful outcome for my life? Fuck....”
I highly recommend Been there. Done that. Try this! for a more optimistic guide thru the post-diagnosis reckoning
My mom bought me a copy of the book, "Been There Done That. Try This! An Aspie's Guide to Life on Earth" edited by Tony Attwood.
https://www.amazon.com/Been-There-Done-That-This/dp/1849059640
It's an okay book but the thing I most enjoyed about it was that it was crowdsourced from 15 different autistics with firsthand interviews, including Temple Grandin and Liane Holliday Willey. (who are both lovely!) It mentions that the single largest problem that all of the autistics they polled is actually anxiety, not socialization. Socialization is super hard, but they break it down into a bunch of other skills. That helped me see that there were actually skills I could work on, like better pacing in conversation or when I want to get close to someone. Or like managing my own interoception/not checking in with my body enough to remember to eat etc.
I also really enjoyed Rudy Simone's "Aspergirls" for some simple, human feedback that I was normal and actually doing better than i thought. It talks about bullying a lot, which wasnt my main issue, but I just love the way it normalizes an autistic childhood.
You mostly already know your own brain, what is very helpful at this stage is trying to learn how everyone else thinks. You may be surprised at all sorts of things that other people can detect and how many mental processes they get "for free".
In a sense, people with Asperger's have to do everything manually, by conscious thought.
However, this comes with a lot of advantages too: https://www.aane.org/asperger-profile-strengths/
And this isn't just pep-talk stuff, it's back through real evidence, e.g.: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/03/120322100313.htm
But to start getting some really practical information, especially how to better understand how everyone else in the world works, I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Been-There-Done-That-This/dp/1849059640
From different events, I've had similar memories that have crept in and keep sporadically haunting me and causing embarrassment even 20 years later. However, as u/Ccornutus noted, the memories do become less frequent and less intense with time.
I think the reason why this memory is sticking out so strongly in your brain is because there's more going on than just a simple joke that went wrong. The problem is that there is an increasing distance developing between yourself and your peers. What seemed like a silly prank that people would have laughed at when your were younger has suddenly turned into a grave offense.
It leads you to start wondering. What happened? Why is this simple act of playfulness suddenly treated as if I were some kind of monster? Am I so out of touch that a friend would have to yell at me over something I didn't even know was offensive? Where did this gulf of misunderstanding come from and when did it even form?
Middle school is an especially difficult time for us Aspies. A huge reason for this is that for neuro-typical people, that age range is when several new areas of the brain are coming online. The obvious one is an increased awareness of sexuality, but the significantly more impactful one is an increasing awareness of social-hierarchy. Basically, neuro-typical people start becoming aware of their position in a "pecking order", who's more popular than who, who should hang out with who, etc.
https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-019-52211-8
However, this is something that we don't get as Aspies. In many ways, our adolescent years are very much the same as the years before. We're like big little-kids. We get bigger and stronger, more intelligent, and sophisticated, but we're still following the same rules and beliefs that we did before.
This is not true with almost everyone else, however. To most of your peers, they will start paying a LOT more attention trying to size themselves up against each other in various ways: clothing, who they hang out with, choices of movies/books/etc., how they physically look, physically attacking and fighting those they deem weaker, and on and on and on.
What most likely happened is that your friend was trying to rebuke you for engaging in behaviors now deemed "childish", and that they are now too mature for.
When I was a little kid, I would literally knock on people's doors and if there was a kid my age, I'd just ask if they wanted to play. Well that doesn't work so great once you get a bit older, and it's the same for a wide variety of other issues.
This gap between neuro-typical and aspies will only continue to grow, and reach it's peak around 18 or so, and then it make take you a decade or two to learn the new social rules that everyone else seemed to magically know. It can feel like you somehow missed the memo.
For this, I have two pieces of advice:
I hope this helps! I know it would have helped me when I was your age.
https://www.amazon.com/Been-There-Done-That-This/dp/1849059640 Fem Contributors on this one!
Here you go.