What is Reddit's opinion of
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life?
From 3.5 billion Reddit comments
By popularity on Reddit, this product is:
66 reviews of this product found across Reddit:
100% stop giving her money, now.
Here are more tips but you have to decide what is necessary.
Block her number for awhile and give yourself space. She isn't a relationship worth having. She just tears you down. I know "it's family," but sometimes, that isn't enough. She isn't making ANY sort of effort to repair or GIVE into your relationship. She is just taking. (I have no idea why you pay for things for her...)
I would cut it off for 1-6 months and see how it goes.
Let other people deal with her, if she hasn't driven them away, already.
She will never learn anything if people keep helping her, despite the 1-way relationship.
Read up on Boundaries. It's the best lesson I have ever learned regarding relationships.
>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.
You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).
To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.
It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.
Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.
I was living independently prior to my daughter being born. She interferes as much as I allow her to. You are a 31 year old woman. You are the only one in control here.
You really need to read this book, hold on I’ll link it
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_66Z8DFY5TEWFVHDY5B0G
Ps, you need the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" and perhaps also the book on Boundary by Henry Cloud. The last one may have some Christian undertones but can be read by non religious people too....
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_2F5ZT2VCRW6KX9A64442
Good boundaries will help you see when you’re being used. Manipulation is the number one indicator of being used, male or female, romantic or platonic.
I wasn’t raised with good boundaries, so I took on responsibility that wasn’t mine and chased men that took advantage of me. I didn’t deserve that cause damn, I’m awesome.
This book helped me figure things out.
Kings, keep you’re head up and protect your hearts.
Hey, I know it may seem like it at times, but you’re not alone. There are more people who have crazy family problems than you might realize, but for some reason they tend to hide it. One thing that really helped me was this book on boundaries. If you can afford it, it may help you to work on establishing healthier boundaries with those around you. In my case, that meant going non-contact with my parents because they refused to respect me or my partner. Another thing that helped was finding a therapist that I could talk to. Opening up to a professional can be really intimidating, but I am 100% in a better headspace because they helped me to come to terms with those family problems at my own pace and supported me along the way. I realize that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but hopefully some of these thoughts help you get through this!
Cloud and Townsend. I believe they wrote several versions, but here is the one I read:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.zNuFbR2EVZBX
One point: I was not expecting it, but the book does have a strong point of view of religion. While that isn't something that resonated with me, it did not detract from what I learned. In fact, some parts actually helped, seeing the way boundaries could be applied in situations that are generally dogmatic and about following the rules (dealing with church leaders).
I've got a great suggestion for you. Must read Boundaries. It is the gold standard to teach people how to set boundaries. It's a great life skill that can be used at work and home.
You need this book!
You DH has a boundary problem. He needs to work on that if you want a solution.
I highly recommend this book for it: Boundaries
Although it is more religious than I am personally, it is still one of the best written books I have found on how boundaries can work in families.
These are some mega boundary issues going on. He needs to be able to set boundaries with his mother, as she is stomping all over his (and yours). There's actually a book on this that is written for Christians and is really helpful.
You two are a team now, it's you two vs the problem, it's you two seeking advice when you deem it appropriate. Money is a "our" thing, not a "his" or "my" thing - finances is one of the trickiest parts of marriage. Marriage is full of growing pains. It can get really really hard. Stay on the same team.
One practical tip that I've found helpful: doing a walking rosary when you need to discuss something hard. Start the walk saying a rosary together and then discuss the topic on the walk back. It centers you both in prayer first, and then it also can be easier to say hard things when you're side-by-side instead of face-to-face.
I'd also recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend, I think it would give you two a lot of good food for thought. It's about maintaining healthy boundaries from a Christian perspective, which includes what you let in and what you keep out. https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/
Last week, you chose each other. Now you gotta keep choosing each other every day. You gotta root for your own team, no matter how grim a particular season may seem.
This is soooo relatable. I have the marriage version of this book and it is amazing (based on the first two chapter. Lol) It is Christian based FYI.
Wow -- what a long and frustrating story...I'm sorry that such a simple situation has turned into such a struggle. Talking to a counselor would be a very helpful strategy -- call 855-382-5433 any time day or night to tell your story to a licensed professional counselor who will give you wise guidance. In addition, reading Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend will be helpful. Cloud and Townsend have written Boundaries In Marriage as well. You've been communicating boundaries about the birthday events, but your parents aren't getting the message. Maybe these tools will make a difference.
I'm sorry that your extended family relationships are tinged with resentment and conflict. The various books by Henry Cloud and John Townsend on Boundaries would be helpful. Setting boundaries in our relationships is very challenging but also very essential for healthy interaction. Check your local library for an available copy and then work together with your partner to set healthy boundaries with extended family.
You deserve to be loved and respected for who you are as a person. Not what your pant size is. I would not stay in a relationship where someone made those comments about me. There’s a really good book called “Boundaries” that I highly suggest you read. You deserve so much better! I always tell other women to consider their relationship from the eyes of your child (even if you don’t have one), would you want this to be the child’s example? Would you approve of your daughter being with someone like this guy? No? Then don’t do that to yourself.
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_62S3KFSJV7XPE3QEFSP8
All I can say is "Boundaries". Having grown up being abused (emotionally, mentally, and physically) and many, many years of therapy, Healthy Boundaries will save your life
Your life. Your family. Your Rules. If they don't respect your rules and boundaries, then they don't get to be a part of your life or your family's life. Period. End of Discussion
It took me, sadly, having children of my own, and watching my parents abuse them (not significantly, just subtle little bs when they were young). The snide remarks, the passive aggressive, the not listening to the rules we established. Noped the hell out of there real quick.
My parents refused to accept the boundaries -- a lot of abusive narcissists will refuse to accept boundaries -- that's ok, that's their choice. This is my life, this is my family, these are my rules.
Get yourself into some good, strong therapy. And I mean real therapy not "Preacher Chuck" at the local Baptist Church who is going to tell you the value of family and relationships. Heal yourself, protect yourself and your child
This will only be the beginning -- the tip of the iceberg. It won't be an easy road, but you will do right by your child. My parents haven't been involved in my children's lives since they were 3 and 1. I'm ok with that. My kiddos have other positive figures in their life.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and sorry it took your child to show you how awful your parents behave. I wouldn't let them be around the child, period. If they don't want to follow your rules and boundaries, then they don't participate in your life or the life of your child.
Great book recommendation: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr\_1\_1?keywords=boundaries+by+cloud+and+townsend&qid=1648061433&sprefix=boundaries%2Caps%2C371&sr=8-1
We’ve set boundaries with my in laws. It was a rough couple years but now it’s much better. They know they need to respect our boundaries or we won’t see them, so they stop trying to push them and just follow us.
But many times it doesn’t workout this way and people won’t respect your boundaries. I highly recommended reading the Boundaries Book.
- You’re a fucking troll.
- In case you’re actually not a troll, fuck you.
- Read a goddamn book. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_6228G7NVB4ZNH6VSVNYR
NTA Giving birth is NOT a spectator sport. Don't have her in there. That is a time for YOU to be the focus. She's manipulating you. I suggest you read:
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_Y4SMVYYNZ2B3MC3NZQB8
I think it will help you a lot.
I'm not sure if posting links to products is against the rules but here it is anyway:
Check this out on Amazon Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_VW77X40E0TGR2T6JNKSB
Healthy boundaries help protect you from manipulation. Especially emotionally. For example, if you do X and your manipulator says they are emotionally hurt by X, they expect you to stop doing it. However, this can be a manipulation tactic. It's as much or more on them to work through those emotional issues than for you to change your behavior.
Highly recommended book. Did wonders for me in how to deal with my father who sounds a lot like your situation with your mother.
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_2MA2Q8MHD86CD3ZJYFNA
I now you do not want to hear it, and you have been around the block and aren't some young 18 year old, so you can decide and weigh how you want, but you may want to consider not getting married until your boyfriend is on board with setting boundaries. Untangling from a marriage is much more difficult, if he does not come around.
Is he willing/are you able to move further away from MIL? Living 2100 miles from my mother does wonders for our relationship.
Otherwise, organize your thoughts and write them down and have a heart to heart with your MIL where you lay out that you are a capable adult, you and your husband will be autonomous adults, and while you appreciate her input,concern, and love, you and your husband will be making the life, financial, educational, household decisions for your household. You gotta be blunt and harsh. It sucks, its uncomfortable. I did it with my dad and we didn't speak for a short time as he processed, and now we have a great relationship. If she reacts poorly and trash-talks you, then at least you know you did your best.
I have never read it, but I hear this book recommended sometimes: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
I think my mom read it and learned from it.
Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud is a good balance to Love Languages. It adds a limit and perspective to a book that makes you want to pour yourself into a relationship thinking that adoration and inseparability are what make healthy relationships.
That you gave false information isn't up for a question, it's ground truth fact.
That you didn't give any helpful information to the very specific question asked, is ground truth.
Look, she wants a sextoy, purchased off of amazon, and a way for it to arrive without her roommates knowing about it, in a certain, very specific price range.
You didn't do any of that.
- You tried to berate her about setting boundaries, a good idea, but not what she came here for.
- You tried to ignore what she said, and suggested things that were neither positive, helpful, or indicative of current law.
Spreading lies, saying she needs boundaries, or that at 22 she shouldn't be financially dependent on her roommates isn't something she came here for.
If you want to say "learn how to establish boundaries" then maybe recommend a book/resource for that? (Like Boundaries by Henry Cloud?)
> That's the process I'm starting now. I don't even know what boundaries are.
If you don't mind me helping a little, there are several helpful books on boundaries that I found quite useful. This was the first one I read.
Also, CoDA meetings were very helpful in learning about boundaries and how to set them. Melodie Beattie discusses them in her work on codependency, also.
Trained emotional panic response, man. She's been set up by her religion to feel fear of "the other," and now she's sleeping with the other. The programmed response is to burrow further into the religion. Classic pattern of abuse. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with, I'm sure, since you're now a (religious) trauma survivor living with a trauma sufferer who's being controlled by her abuser to reinforce the behaviors that you found traumatic. "Flying monkeys," in narcissistic abuse survivor parlance; people who suffer under the narcissist but remain under their control and carry messages and such so the abuser can try manipulating you from a distance. Except the manipulator is the religion itself.
HOWEVER, it occurs to me that there is a very highly recommended book on boundaries that is written by some Christians and is available on Amazon. Despite being religious in some portions, the skills of boundaries will both help her manage her behavior and might give her some peace.
It sounds like you need to set some boundaries about what you get annoyed about. I was in a similar situation and this book changed my life-not being dramatic. Totally serious. The first few pages are boring but the chapters are set up great!
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fab_e7-HFbKCNSKDY
VERY GLAD for you!!! I was very concerned for you when you mentioned you were going to tell your parents. In time you're going to learn about gray-rocking and putting people on an info diet.
Boundaries? Start with a serving hands copy of a book by the same name. Boundaries, by Dr Cloud & Dr Townsend. It was one of the first and biggest books that basically created the phrase "boundaries in relationships". Only bother with the original edition or the expanded. The sequels/add-ons weren't as helpful.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fab_Z-1BFbE6G4V2J
You and your husband will need to set firm boundaries with her, else she'll damage your marriage. Remember you two have responsibility first to your children, then to your marriage.
She's an adult, you don't owe her a rescue from consequences of poor decisions.
Highly recommend: Boundaries by Henry Cloud - When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_lWppDb46B8Y7K
Start by saying no to seeing her, all the time. If she guilts you, just listen and say no. Delete the email or say no again in your response. Hold firm to your no. People like this will test your no, over and over again. But once you hold firm the first dozen times, they’ll get the picture and start to leave you alone.
There is a book that I very rarely recommend on this sub because it's written by Christians and has mention of God in it, but Boundaries is an otherwise excellent resource for teaching people how to identify, respect, and defend boundaries. I think- so deeply that I'm doing a YT series on it- that shitty boundaries is the essential element of all the wrongs Christianity perpetrates on its adherents.
If you recommend/buy her the book, she'll accept the Biblical defense of the positions and she'll benefit tremendously from the skills it teaches. If you offer it with "I'm happy Christianity is working for you. There are some types of Christianity that are unhealthy, that I've had personal experience with, that make me a little worried. I'm sure your current church is fine, but here's a book written by Christians that teaches you how to identify and defend yourself against the unhealthy types of churches." she'll probably be willing to consider it.
You’re not the asshole, but your husband is. His family being the issue means he needs to take a stand (preferably a stand for you and the kids, since you’re his immediate family and all).
You have every right to be sad and upset your in-laws aren’t being fair to your children, but the real problem is your husband, not your in-laws. He’s the one not standing up for you and your kids, and he’s the one who’s supposed to be on your side. You should have an honest conversation about your expectations for him: how you need him to choose you and your kids over his parents. You need to be his priority.
I recommend reading about Boundaries
OP, I'm not sure what the right solution is for you in this exact situation. A civil divorce may be the right thing, it may not be, and even if you "divorce" her, if you have a valid marriage, you would still in fact be married. Matthew 10:9, "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." This is all dependent on whether you had a valid marriage in the first place, which we can't know based on this information.
Anyway, regardless of whether you two separate or remain together, it sounds like you are in real pain, suffering various forms of abuse, and have a real problem. It sounds like you have issues with having good, healthy boundaries that can protect you from the bad. I would really suggest you try reading or listening to Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud. It's a Christian, biblical look at how to maintain good boundaries and healthy relationships. Regardless of how you proceed, this book will help you. God bless.
For those that need the book.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_DSR2M0FE26WTKBZT8F2C
I forgot to mention a book that really helped me and my husband with boundaries (and my husband isn't much of a reader of self-help literature). We each grew up with a PD parent, so we need help!
When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=dp_ob_title_bk
It is Christian-based, which would automatically have made me reject the book (because I don't like Bible-thumping), but actually it totally changed my mind about the morals and ethics of setting boundaries. We must, say the authors, in order to grow personally and spiritually ourselves, and to make sure others are free to do the same. They say boundary-stompers must be stopped, and we must stop them.
It is great, I promise! I re-read it every time I feel guilty about my mother, which is a lot, and get a boost of confidence every time. I've had it on my bookshelf for at least a decade. The guilt and manipulation of a PD parent is fierce. This book's concepts is like garlic for that.
My husband and I liked their other book, "Safe People" just as much, but I don't find it on Amazon. It is here: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/safe-people-henry-cloud/1101957885/2679450583166?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Core+Catch-All,+Low_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP79700&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI16vy1rGc2gIVnkoNCh1REQo1EAQYAyABEgL5uPD_BwE
My husband read Safe People in one sitting and announced his mother wasn't a safe person, and immediately totally changed the way he relates to her--which saved our marriage and family. He LOVED the Biblical stuff because his mother used to use Christian values as a bludgeon whenever she wanted her way over everyone else's. This stopped that.
Other people gave good advice re therapy for all. But some important points:
-Ex needs to understand this is your home. You need ground rules. She's a welcome guest until she can get back on her feet. For example, one of your rules to stay might be therapy. Maker a written list (even where she needs to park her car) and have a sit down ASAP.
-Great book idea might be "Boundaries" as it teaches you how to nicely draw the lines to protect yourself. And you need to stay safe in order to help. So read it so you can help them more.
-While you can forgive her & I hope you do, that does not mean you need fully trust her. They are not the same.
You can do this friend.
​
Boundaries, my friend, are not inherently un-Christian!!
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
Sounds like you can all use some family counseling. If you can find a marriage and family therapist, go talk to them about your situation, and invite your parents to come along. Sometimes asking someone to join you in counseling is more effective than telling them they need to go to therapy. There's probably more underlying issues that need to be resolved with your folks, and their problems are not your fault.
​
More immediately for your own well being I suggest you start setting some boundaries with them. You playing mediator with them is a classic triangulation and prevents them from having to deal with their own issues. It is not your job to play go between and is not fair to you. A simple: "I love you, and it is not my place to serve as a go-between" or "I love you and I really think you should talk to Mom/Dad about that" can be very effective in letting them know you do not want be used anymore. I HIGHLY recommend "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend if you need some help in setting healthy boundaries. They are Christians and psychologists and do a great job explaining practical and spiritual ways to improve boundaries. I have training in family therapy and that book taught me a lot.
​
> I desperately want to move out but I'm working full time and going to school online full time for my bachelor's and they don't want me to move out until I have my degree.
​
Question: what's preventing you from moving out? I understand the stress of fulltime work and fulltime school. Been there done that, twice. If you are fiscally able to move out, you are an adult and can go establish your own household. It's not really a matter of what your parents want or don't want; it's a matter of what's best for you. If remaining under their roof is damaging to your mental health, go get an apartment somewhere. It can be good to get out on your own and spread your wings!
​
​
OP, your initial reaction to this incident should also prompt you to look at yourself.
I highly recommend you buy and read this: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life.
Yes! Amazon.
I recommended it so someone else recently and they pointed out that it has a lot of religious references in it. I completely forgot! If that doesn't bother you you can find the book here and the workbook here.
I'm not religious but am in an AlAnon program, so I replace "god" with "higher power" and it works for me.
Fakertotal and pickle are correct…you are in desperate need of boundaries!!! Now what do you need to do? You need to figure out what boundaries for you look like. We all need to have boundaries to have healthy, successful lives. It sounds like you are trying to put something together with the wrong parts and the wrong tools, and that will never work. I would like to recommend getting one of these books on boundaries (choose the subtitle you are most interested in. The basic boundaries book will be a huge help to you, and if you want to lean towards the Dating or Marriage boundaries books you can still use what you learn in every day life. They will also help you figure out how to navigate your other relationships as well and improve communication. where your comfort level ends. They people treat you the way you let them, and it sounds like Lou wants everything his way, and he’s not interested in doing anything to contribute to the wellbeing of your relationship, and you are allowing that behavior to go on. The girlfriend/boyfriend stage of relationships are typically where we try the hardest to find a mate and keep them around, but once you are in a committed relationship all the trying stops. Imagine all the crappy things you dislike about the relationship multiplied by 100. If he’s not on his best behavior now what the hell does the future look like? He can stand back with his hand in his pants, no shirt on and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth saying “what do you expect me to do? I was this way when you married me, I’m not changing now…”
Since you have ADHD I recommend getting the audiobook and getting the corresponding workbook to help you move and navigate the book. The information is highly enlightening and you may find it helpful. Go to your local Barnes and Noble and thumb through the different subtitles and workbooks to see which one you connect with. I also agree that you desperately need to be seeing a therapist for your own mental health and to help you navigate through this trying period in your life. Having professional advice from people who are experts in this area will be extremely helpful and filled with more insight than the same old tired advice you can get from anyone. Making a pros and cons list of reasons why you are staying in the relationship should be very helpful.
In the meantime make the effort that YOU want given to you, and give it to yourself. If he doesn’t want a date night, get ready, make a effort to look/feel good, and then GO OUT AND DO IT!!! Have date night with yourself or your close friends and family. He will wonder what you are getting ready for, and the answer is YOU. You are getting ready to go out for yourself, and with yourself. Go see that movie he doesn’t want to see and go to dinner at the place you’ve been eyeing downtown. You can still do all of these things when you are in a relationship. Who knows, maybe he will see if he’s not the one taking you to dinner and a movie for a date night he’s going to get replaced very quickly. Links to Amazon books on Boundaries
Haha, yeah. I was going to, but I didn't link it because it's a religious book, and I guess I didn't want to be sending the message that had to agree with my religion in order to benefit from the more general wisdom about boundaries. But, since you asked, this was the one: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/
FWIW, I recall the authors making an effort to say things that could apply to everyone regardless of beliefs about religion. (Looks like it's been updated since I read it.)
Uhm.
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_85S1DEDW68PCFVXVRYHY
I have one word for you: boundaries. There's even a book with that name that was highly recommended to me.
1 star reviews come for 2 reasons:
- Bad quality work
- Going outside your niche.
For example, here is one:
1.0 out of 5 stars Very disappointed.
Reviewed in the United States on June 7, 2018
Verified Purchase
Getting through even one chapter of this book requires complete agreement with and acceptance of Christianity. It does not merely inform the work, it doesn't make sense without it. This book is so God preachy that unless you are extremely religious you are unlikely to find any of this compelling. Very disappointed.
1,422 people found this helpful
Meanwhile this books is a classic and a bestseller:
Best Sellers Rank: #5,307 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
#2 in Codependency (Kindle Store)
#2 in Christian Counseling & Recovery
#3 in Christian Families
Best Sellers Rank: #259 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
#1 in Christian Pastoral Counseling
#2 in Christian Dating & Relationships (Books)
#4 in Codependency (Books)
or this a review for this poet
1.0 out of 5 stars Moms of tweens and teens: preview this book before giving it to your daughter!
Reviewed in the United States on November 4, 2018
Verified Purchase
When my 8th grader asked for this book I read the reviews and ratings and ordered it because (1) yay, she’s reading and (2) totally on board with women’s empowerment. I did not see anything in the information about the sexually explicit “poems” or graphics sprinkled throughout. There will be a page with something totally appropriate for a middle school/high schooler, then bam! you get hit with a shocking graphic or verse. (I tried to post an example and my review was denied because it was too obscene. Enough said.) Thank God I picked it up out of curiosity so I could explain to her why I was going to shelf it for a couple of years before giving it to her. There are some good messages for girls/women, but on the other hand I may never be able to eat another cantaloupe again. The quality of the writing (meh...) is not the issue here because the shock value screams out so loudly.
Best Sellers Rank: #131 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
#2 in Poetry by Women
#2 in Love Poems
#2 in Inspirational & Religious Poetry (Books)
​
So I think 1 stars are the new badge of honor
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/
Buy this book. Read it. Reread it. Then read it again. Then read it again.
And put into practice boundaries. First boundary. Your father moves out immediately. Where does he go? Doesn't matter. He's an adult. Time for him to adult.
Next boundary. You go on birth control immediately and make your own decisions about when you get pregnant.
My prediciton. Once you get rigorous about boundaries in your life, you'll need a good divorce attorney.
This is a great opportunity to bring up a book everyone should read: Boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Townsend
>Honestly you definitely put that perfectly so if he does randomly decide to text me either to cancel or act like nothing ever happened, what is the best and most simple way to just let him know I don’t tolerate this without being a bitch because that’s not going to do anything for anybody but I also don’t want to just cut it off without him knowing what the fuck he did wrong if you know what I mean?
No explanation required. He knows what he’s doing. You can’t confirm plans without details, and he knows this. I’m concerned that any explanation you give him (especially about boundaries) he will turn around and use against you to make you feel bad about yourself or to make it sound as though you’re the one with the problem.
If he does reach out, keep your response short. Hey, I’ve had time to think about this and we’re just not a good match. Take care! (You can revise that message a bit if he cancels, but still keep it short.) And then DO NOT RESPOND. If you think you’ll be tempted to respond, you need to block his number. Heck, you might as well delete his number now as there’s no use in you reaching out to him if he doesn’t reach out to you.
A former acquaintance of my husband’s reached out to him within the last year for help with a situation. The acquaintance didn’t even really ask my husband for help—he just told my husband, “I need you to show up here on this date at this time to help with this situation.” My husband said he’d need to clear it with me first. We both knew the situation was full of drama, so we stayed out of it. My husband wanted to tell the guy that he was not interested in helping because it would have meant having direct contact with a nasty ex-girlfriend of his and he just didn’t need the additional stress/drama—plus he had already moved on from that area of his life.
I didn’t want this acquaintance to pressure my husband with the added explanation that my husband wanted to provide, so I drafted the text for him. All it said was along the lines of, I will not be attending the event you contacted me about. I want nothing to do with this situation or this person. Thanks in advance for understanding. Done. The guy responded something along the lines of helping him was “the right thing to do.” We did not respond to that text. The acquaint did not respect the boundary (and would have done worse had we given him more information), and so my husband ended up blocking the guy’s number, removing him from social media, and deleting the texting thread.
>Like he deserves to know it’s disrespectful toward my time, and all I can picture him saying is “I am overthinking things” and “I could’ve easily just texted him today” or “I’m starting a fight out of nothing serious”.
See above, this is what I’m talking about. Don’t let him rope you back in with any of these excuses.
>I guess I was just like a way to assert the fact that I am making a boundary and I just don’t want to tolerate this type of behavior. I’m really bad with the stuff because of personal reasons, not everyone can be as stern and strong unfortunately but I am trying to learn hence why I wrote this on here. Any and all advice is great, thank you!
Take some time to make a list of boundaries for yourself. What will you and won’t you tolerate—not only from this guy, but from other guys also? For example, I will not accept same- or next-day dates. (You have to remember to propose alternative days though so the guy knows you’re interested, but this does not apply to the current situation.) I will not date someone who repeatedly leaves me hanging and doesn’t respect my time. I will not be the only one who puts in effort (e.g., driving 30 minutes or more just to meet someone in their city, rearranging your day to get ready for a date that likely will not happen).
Also, I’ve heard good things about this book and it seems like it might be relevant for you. You could probably find this at your local library.
Also a book aptly named Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-Cloud-Townsend-dp-0310351804/dp/0310351804/ref=dp_ob_title_bk
It sounds like your friend's problem is less that she's a naive person and more that she has poor boundaries. Boundaries are what let us become angry, to say "no," and to fight back when an injustice is committed against us. Sometimes defending a boundary is something small like refusing a "perfectly reasonable, small" request that you don't want to fulfill, and sometimes it's something important like macing someone who's sexually assaulting you. Without an understanding of where her boundaries lie and how to defend them, your friend will be unable to avoid "being taken advantage of."
Therapy is always my recommendation for this, because poor boundaries are usually a symptom of some other problems. But your friend can probably benefit from a book like Boundaries which I haven't read but seems to be a highly regarded text on the techniques of identifying and defending boundaries. The sample excerpts on Amazon convince me it's worth reading and probably just what your friend may find useful. Please note; as an atheist, I find the religious elements of the book useless and possibly unpleasant, but despite constantly appealing to the Bible the authors nonetheless use the language of Christianity to describe a pretty solid model of boundaries- even to an extent that I think they offer a very useful correction that all churches should read.
If, like me, you prefer to avoid strong religious tones, you may prefer Stop Walking On Eggshells, which is mostly a book about dealing with a loved one with personality disorders. But the techniques of dealing with personality disorders are almost entirely techniques of defending boundaries, so about half the book talks about what to do and how to do it.
There's a lot going on here.
- Go to Amazon and order <strong>Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend</strong> immediately. I think you need this for both your relationship with your fiance and your parents.
- In the long term, pursue counseling. It does sound like there's a lot of enmeshment going on with your parents, particularly regarding finances. What your parents wanted was inappropriate on every level. These issues will affect your marriage. On top of that, you are trying to merge two religions. I hate to tell you this, but the religious issue will continue to pop up over the course of your life (ie baptizing your children RCC.) My father's family is Catholic. My mother's isn't. It's caused decades of drama. You and your fiance absolutely need counseling to get on the same page about religion and traditions. (Will you name your kid after a saint? How do you feel about them getting rosaries? First Communion, etc. ).
- Your fiance was very, very wrong to take Eucharist. In every Mass I've ever attended, the Priest has clearly said that only Catholics in good standing should take Communion. In your father's shoes, I would have freaked out as well. This is a widely known rule, so your husband owes your family a HUGE apology. My dad was baptized Catholic. Technically, he's allowed to take Eucharist. My grandmother recently passed away, and he still refused to take Communion at her funeral because he is not in good standing. This is a BIG deal and deeply offensive to your parents. (I'm a hardwired Calvinist, who has major disagreements with the Catholic Church, and I'm offended for your parents.)
Regarding the elopement:
- Get married now and plan a ceremony later. You can either do a civil ceremony or have your pastor privately marry you if you want a religious service. This happens far more often than people realize for both civil and religious vows.
People frequently get married legally because sometimes life logistics demand it. If your spouse is in the military, you need insurance, a lease is running, etc. A friend got married at the courthouse because the cruise she wanted to take for her honeymoon wasn't offered AFTER the wedding. She had a small ceremony with immediate family at the courthouse, they took their honeymoon and then they had a the big church wedding afterwards.
- Plan the closest wedding to your dream that the two of you can afford.
There's no reason to limit yourself to an elopement. In your situation, I would avoid accepting any financial or in-kind assistance from your family. Pay for everything by yourselves. THEN, invite your parents as guests. If they don't have a hand in hosting the wedding, the message is clear that they are guests and expected to behave.
You also have options for integrating both religions. You could ask a priest to offer a prayer or have a ceremony described here. You are limiting yourself when there's no reason to. Use your imagination and figure out a way to fulfill your dreams while following God's word and making an effort to respect your parents' faith.
- Reconciliation is possible with your family. This is not a one-time action but a long process. Your fiance needs to apologize and demonstrate respect for their religion. Next, the two of you need to get married and show your parents that you respect God's commandments. If they are upset about him not being Catholic, they can't be happy with you living together.
Before pursuing reconciliation, start counseling. Get help in learning how to rebuild the relationship with healthy boundaries. This doesn't have to happen overnight. It's a long-term goal. However, you will regret not having a wedding to celebrate and not inviting your parents.
Dude, you are asking the right questions to someone who has been there.
Boundaries: Updated and Expanded Edition by Cloud and Townsend https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fab_AinIFbVKJZGPE
I also highly recommend this book specifically:
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Fjelstad https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_6lnIFbBB1N049
Finally, if you haven't visited yet stop by /r/BPDLovedOnes where you can speak to people who likely have experienced what you are facing. If you have any questions please feel free to reach out there or to me.
> I just don't want to issue an ultimatum because I think it would be more detrimental. But I don't know what else to do!!!!! Help please!!!
I recommend you seek the support of a therapist. Specifically:
- Ideally, your wife and daughter would start having sessions with a therapist who specializes in hoarding disorder. Unfortunately, hoarder tends to "lack insight", so they honestly don't believe that they have a problem. Your ability to deal with this situation is going to be limited by your wife and daughter's willingness to deal with it.
- Rather than telling your wife she has a problem and needs help, ask your wife if she's willing to go to couple's therapy to discuss better ways to communicate. In therapy you can bring up the hoarding issues after a few sessions when everyone's comfortable; if you do that, be sure to bring photo/video evidence.
- If your wife refuses to go to couple's therapy, seek support for yourself via a therapist who understands hoarding issues. A therapist like that can help you work on establishing boundaries and coming up with a plan to deal with the situation.
If therapy just isn't an option, we have some books listed in our Wiki that can help you:
- Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquiring by Michael A. Tompkins. This is an excellent book, written specifically for the spouse, family, and/or loved ones on how to deal with the hoarder in your life who won't accept that he's a hoarder. . This book gives you a plan for communicating with your hoarder, identifying issues, working on your relationship with your hoarder, and in general coaxing your hoarder to a healthier way of doing things. It advocates a harm reduction approach, in order to get the hoarder to cooperate.
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Dr.s Cloud & Townsend. Firm, consistent boundaries are the most important tool in your toolbox. Some people who live with their hoarders have had success by requiring common rooms and shared spaces to be clean and clear, while at the same time allowing the hoarder one room of their own to keep as they see fit (minus filth and vermin, of course). You'll have to be consistent and diligent daily to defend the clean spaces, but it can be done.
Wow. That isn't the help you need!
My wife found the Boundaries book super helpful with some of this.
Read the book, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend
She is toxic and will kill you. Learn to set some boundaries on your relationship and this will all seem less important than it does right now.
I think that everyone else chimed in with some great advice so I would like to supplement my insight in tandem with the other posts. When I was a therapist I would always recommend these books to people in your situation.
Boundaries - If religious, or wont be angry by religious refrences
Where to draw the line - if you dont want to read Boundaries This is just a great book on Marriage and long term relationships that I like
Also, while I think that your life is out of whack from housing family members, I think that there is a solution closer to artfully transitioning them rather than kicking everyone out. I would however not allow them to keep dogs there.
I would also recommend that you charge them some form of rent, even if you just put it in a savings account for them and give it back on move out day as a nest egg. This could be as low as $50 a month, but it does create the mental link to value and establish some form of guidelines while still being feasable without a job.
If you want to chat I am happy to schedule some time on discord or a phone call. You need some support and I think that your anger and frustration is going to build and damage your relationship with the wrong people.
This is a hard time that you can get through, just make sure that it doesnt ruin everything that you have built.
Yes.
When you are ready, here are some of my favorites:
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life - a standard
Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship - super fast read (30ish pages?)
Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong - Do not judge a book by its cover or title! What seems to be a cheesy 80’s “how to get a date” book is by far one of the most helpful and interactive books I’ve read about identifying a healthy relationship and the individual obstacles you (or I) have and why they are there. Gold!
This may be a book you find helpful. It does have some christian overtones but it that doesn’t make it less effective.
This book should help: Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_FNLuBb364QKMD
Popular alternatives to Boundaries Updated and Expa...
