What is Reddit's opinion of Building Love Together in Blended Families: The 5 Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart?

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I will always and forever recommend the book "Building Love Together In Blended Families" for families who are having trouble with the expectations of how much love you should have for each other, or how love should be expressed between one another. https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054

An SO who expects you to love their kids like your own is one who is trying to make THEIR lives easier. They are currently stuck between loving you and loving their kids, and you likely enjoy time without kids more than with their kids around, so it's a hard place for SO's to be in: loving their kids while also loving their SO's who love time without their kids around while the SO's love time with their kids more.

I have 3 stepsons, and I love them dearly, but not the same way I will love my own child, or even my nieces and nephew. They are a different flavor of love. I love my stepsons of slight obligation rather than of natural origins. But that doesn't make it any less real. I still love them and cherish when they tell me they love me too.

That is really tough. It's so hard to communicate to a 12 year old that any love or bonding you have with someone else doesn't take it away from her. She has her feelings, which are her truth, even if that truth isn't a complete picture of what's going on.

I think, if anything, it shows just how important quality time is for your 12yo, and to keep that time sacred and to never deprioritize it under anything else, because it's clearly a BIG deal to her. The best you can do is to continue to show her your love with that quality time, and to tell her with words and hugs that she is your daughter and no other relationship will ever minimize or change your love for her.

It might also be good for both of you to learn about Love Languages, and how those can really affect your feelings and how everyone "speaks" a different love language. The book Blending Love Together in Blended Families is by the same folks who wrote the Love Languages books and it's a good resource for how to navigate the different relationships in a stepfamily, because it's a complicated world of relationships to navigate!

"my SO would express his wish that I would grow to love my SKs as my own"

Well yeah. That would make HIS life a lot easier. But no, that's not an expectation he gets to push on you. You are in this relationship because you love HIM not because you love his kids. His kids are not yours, and you can't manufacture relationships. I WISH I was closer with my brother, but it just hasn't happened the same way as it did with my sister. That doesn't mean that anyone did anything wrong, our personalities just didn't mesh the same way and it didn't happen. Same thing with blended families; sometimes stepparents really bond with their stepkids and it's a very special relationship, and sometimes it just doesn't happen. Again, nobody is doing anything wrong, it just doesn't always happen.

It sounds like SO has a really hard time putting himself in other peoples' shoes, and has wildly unrealistic expectations about how a stepparent should act or feel.

It would be really good for both of you to read the book Building Love Together in Blended Families. https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054 It talks a lot about how we express love to each other, and how we often push our expectations of how relationships should be onto each other in a blended-family scenario.

You're definitely not alone with having an SO who is very out of touch about what a blended family is "supposed" to look like. My DH is, thankfully, not that way, but I've read enough stories on this subreddit to know that it's a really common issue, and one you and your SO should get on the same page about sooner rather than later.

Whenever there are partners who have unrealistic expectations about relationships between their kids and the step-parent, I point to this book: https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054

It's got a slightly religious slant to it, but the majority of it is really good info about how nuanced the relationships are between steps and kids in a blended family. It could help you and your partner understand how she's in a difficult spot of feeling a very different type of love for her kids than you. Her having high expectations of the developing relationships between you and her kids (as well as your parents and her kids) is a recipe for conflict

I would encourage you to both read the book "Building Love Together in Blended Families" https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054

I know you're not married, but if you're thinking about committing to this relationship, both you and your partner need to have realistic expectations about what your relationship will be like with her kid. It can be hard building a relationship with a child who isn't yours and attempting to forge a bond with them, while ALSO curating a healthy relationship with the parent of that child who has a VERY strong bond with the child and who wants you to bond with the child, too.

It sounds like she is trying to orchestrate a specific relationship for you to have with her kid. She may have some expectation of what you should be like with him, and honestly she might need to reset those expectations. You also might have unrealistic expectations for her. Like, you may have noticed that she acts different when she's with her kid than when she's just with you, and you don't like the "mom" version of her as much as you like the "single" version of her. That's completely normal, and you can't expect her to be her "single" self when she's responsible for a little human.

Like I said, it's all very complicated, but it sounds like you all just need time, need to lower your expectations of each other, and just feel out what life is like with each other with and without the kiddo around without putting pressure on yourself to act a certain way or be a certain way.

You don't have to have the love, and you don't have to have the guilt!!

Your two jobs as SD's stepparent are 1. love SD's dad and support him and be a good partner and life teammate with him, and 2. be a positive person in SD's life. Your job isn't to love her as if she was your own child. She has a mom, so you don't have to worry about filling that role!

Let go of that expectation of needing to love her. Love is different when you're in a blended family, and that's okay! You can't force yourself to feel ways that you simply don't feel. Some stepparents feel that love, and others don't.

I would encourage you and your partner to both read the book Building Love Together in Blended Families. https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054 It has some great advice for stepparents looking to bond with stepkids, and also for biological parents to have the appropriate expectations for their partners' relationship with their kids. AKA, not expecting their partner to love their kid the same way they do.

I hope this helps. Remember, as long as you're striving to be a good partner to SO, and a positive person for SD, then you're doing a fantastic job!

Wow.

I always say... it is hard to be a parent, it's REALLY hard to be a stepparent, but it is almost impossible to be a stepparent with an unsupportive partner. It sounds like he really doesn't know what the dynamics of a blended family are supposed to be, and is treating life like you are a nuclear family, and you're not. He is the father, you are the stepmom, and the kids are his.

You would BOTH find it helpful to read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054

A blended family has special circumstances, and the things that you say he says to you (particularly about loving his kids) don't add up to him understanding those circumstances. You didn't enter into this relationship to love his kids, you did it because you love HIM, and he happened to come with kids. You are not the one with baggage here. He is. So he shouldn't be critical of you as you try to figure out what your role should be in their lives.

I am curious to know and please don't be offended... are you much younger than he is? I only ask because sometimes when younger women are in a relationship with an older man with kids, there is an uneven balance. Younger women tend to not stand up for themselves and their needs as much as older women do, and find themselves being used because they don't want to stir things up.

In any case, please PLEASE feel empowered to do what you need to do to find sanity, even if it means reassessing your relationship with him. You will never have as much experience as him, so he should NEVER be critical of you trying to better yourself as a wife and stepmom by reading books. Don't do things just to make him happy. Conflict is hard, but through conflict we experience growth. I do wish for you the best of luck as you navigate these hard issues.

You need to be sure that this woman is going to be a long-term part of your life before introducing her to your kids. The very worst thing for your daughters is to watch you bring in a revolving door of women into their lives. They are likely still fully acclimating to the divorce, and haven't really thought of what life would be like if you date someone or marry someone other than their mom.

This all on top of your oldest being in a very tumultuous time of life already. Blending families is hardest with teenagers, because teen's brains are WIRED for finding and establishing independence, not for building family relationships. It's the time in life where they say "Okay, I've done the family thing, it's time for me to really focus on my friends and myself" which makes it really hard for a new person to be brought into the mix successfully.

Teens use their strong family relationships as the stable foundation they stand on while branching out and trying new friendships and trying out new identities. If you're in the midst of changing their family foundation, they take it—understandably—not very well most of the time, though they don't necessarily comprehend themselves WHY they are having such a hard time.

All this to say, that this is a big deal, and you and your girlfriend should both read up on as many books about blending families as you can, to prepare yourselves for the years ahead.

Building Love Together in Blended Families is a good resource for both of you https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054

As is Saving Your Second Marriage Before it Starts https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Second-Marriage-Before-Starts-ebook/dp/B00UF72D4O

It’s different for everyone and there are so so many factors. At the end of the day, you’re asking two humans to form a relationship, not taking into account whether their personalities mesh.

It’s be like going into the office, having a new person hired and then your boss telling you “oh by the way you better like this person because they’re going to be on your project team for the next 10 years and you’ll be working closely together and no you don’t get a choice in the matter.” If you’re lucky, they’re cool and you have a lot in common and their annoying habits don’t drive you absolutely crazy. If you’re really lucky, you guys become best friends. Chances are, though, that your personalities aren’t super compatible and they drive you a little crazy. Maybe it takes a few years for you to get used to each other’s quirks. Or maybe this new person is fine to work with while you’re at work, but you don’t really love going to work because you have to work with them, and when you’re not with them you’re not really thinking about them or worrying about them too much.

Lots of stepparents end up feeling this way about stepkids. When it’s custody time, they have either positive or neutral interactions, but when it’s not custody time they’re not pining for the kids wishing they were there. Not the way a bio-parent wishes their kid was there.

So yeah, there are a lot of factors. How long have they known each other? Does your son like spending time with your SO? Do they have anything in common? Does your son behave way differently than SO’s daughter? How is your son’s relationship with his dad? How old is your son? How old is SO’s daughter? The list goes on an on for what factors could be the main issue in him not feeling comfortable with your kiddo yet.

Give it time, and maybe read the book Building Love Together in Blended Families https://www.amazon.com/dp/0802419054/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabc_oA.PFb9DQV2P0 which will help you set the appropriate expectations about what you feel like his relationship with your kid should be (and maybe resetting those expectations because they’re too high).

*edit-typo

I’m a stepparent and what you’re doing is super common and also nearly ALWAYS a recipe for disaster. When a step-parent cares a lot more than the bio-parent about a dicey parenting issue, it shifts the family dynamic into really conflict-ridden territory. Instead of the normal, healthy stepfamily dynamic of “they’re your kids and I’m here to support you while you raise them how you see fit” it starts to become an unsaid conflict of “you’re not raising them right so I have to step in.”

So the stepparent devotes a lot of emotional and mental energy on the issue. They become the “bad guy” enforcing boundaries and rules, because the bio parent doesn’t want to, because the boundaries and rules are for issues that the bio parent doesn’t believe are a big deal. The stepparent is exhausted and feels like their efforts aren’t appreciated, the bio parent feels judged and feels stuck having to mediate the relationship of their partner vs their kids, and the kids are resentful of the person who hasn’t even been in their lives that long controlling what they can and can’t do.

So yeah. You’re in a very common situation. Just hop over to r/stepparents and you’ll see these kinds of posts all the time. If it’s not about grades, it’s about food or about screen time or “respect” or chores.

1. Reset the family dynamic by separating your finances more than they currently are. You obviously feel emotional about your finances going to them. They don’t have to. She can make money, and she likely gets child support from the kids’ father. They are not your financial responsibility, so if that is part of the issue, then really start making it a point to keep from feeling like you’re the one paying for things. This will keep you from feeling like “I pay the bills so I make the rules.”

2. Step back from parenting. You are NOT responsible for the adults these kids become. Their mom and dad are the ones who get to choose what’s important in raising them. You should absolutely have a voice as a co-parent and be able to have your thoughts and opinions on certain matters, but at the end of the day your role is to be a positive person in their life, who loves their mom and supports her.

Hopefully this is helpful. I would recommend reading some books about stepparenting, because these aren’t easy issues and keeping a healthy stepfamily dynamic is something that a lot of people don’t know about or talk about. This is a good one:

Building Love Together in Blended Families https://www.amazon.com/dp/0802419054/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_xVxKFbK4EWBQZ

Best of luck!

It makes total sense and you’re right to start really thinking about this! Have you read any books about stepparenting? That was a huge thing for me, when I was falling in love with my now-husband. There is a lot of great info out there, and in the books I read they often mention that some stepmoms are taking over the mom role after a death and have sections about those kinds of relationships.

Here are the ones I’ve read and recommend:

Building Love Together in Blended Families: The 5 Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart https://www.amazon.com/dp/0802419054/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_fpUoFbY9GHJNS

Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do https://www.amazon.com/dp/1517071380/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_QpUoFbJ8QMT4W

A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming A Stepmom https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000QUCO1M?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share