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Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA?
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I hope you have or considered going to talk with a professional. I've just recently started seeing someone for things that happened to me by my father almost 30 years ago.
I recommend the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I started reading this before I saw a therapist and it has helped me a lot in getting through various moments of trauma both privately and through the guidance of a therapist.
I'm now able to take a reaction to current stress that causes me to flashback or retreat/cope and safely guide myself back to a past trauma that I'm associating with the present circumstances. I can confront that past trauma and advocate for the defenseless person I was in that moment. It's helped me so immensely and I hope these suggestions can bring you or anyone else reading this some measure of clarity, closure, and peace.
It's really helpful for me to remind myself that their feelings and behavior towards me actually have *nothing t*o do with me but have everything to do with them. Our stories feel so individual and personal until we start sharing them and realize that, when it comes to emotionally unavailable parents, their behavior is all the same and so incredibly predictable. And it has nothing to do with us and who we are as people. It has everything to do with them being terribly sad, broken people, and they're broken in a way that we can't fix by changing our behavior, trying to be perfect, trying to meet their impossible expectations, etc. Their deep core wounds weren't caused by us and can't be fixed by us. r/raisedbynarcissists has been really helpful, as has this book. Microdosing has been insansely helpful.
I have finally been acknowledging my trauma and working through it. That and the support of my therapists and anti anxiety meds I have made considerable progress to getting my life back. It took time to allow myself to grieve and be angry over my childhood, but it was important to do.
This book has been incredibly helpful so far and I encourage those of you that are ready to take a look at it
Pete Walkers Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
There’s a famous book called: Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving; by Pete Walker. If you download a sample you can see the chapter list. He describes in fantastic detail how to overcome emotional reactivity. It’s one of those books where you end up having so many epiphanies that you want to buy it for all of your friends - or strangers on Reddit!
>Neglect isn't the same as other kinds of abuse, you kind of just have to be a big girl and take care of yourself and get on with it.
You're right in that neglect isn't the same as other kinds of abuse; a lot of mental health professionals now believe that it can be more damaging than other kinds of abuse. I'm not the one downvoting you but my guess is that it's comments like that that are leading to the downvoting. When our caregiver or caregivers fail us repeatedly and have a history of minimizing the neglect we're receiving at their hands, we tend to internalize that behavior and minimalize the neglect ourselves. Your comments don't read like that of a positive person at all but rather someone deep in denial. But what do I know, I've only got a PhD in Psychology with a focus on executive dysfunction and parenting behaviors. :)
For anyone reading this who is interesting in healing from cptsd and feeling comfortable in their own skin, this book is absolutely excellent. The cover looks pretty grumpy, imo, but ignore it - the book is fantastic.
It is reasonable to think that your dad forcing you to play sports for years is causing almost all of your current mental health issues.
Seriously, yes, this is a classic recipe for trauma. We instinctively look to our parents for support. When they constantly send the message that we're not good enough as we are, that does an impossibly heavy number on our brains' wiring. And your dad sounds like he's a master of sending that message. He probably has some trauma too — it's a cycle, and I hope you can break it.
Definitely bring this up with your therapist. If they dismiss or minimize it, consider finding a new one. And although this book is maybe a lot for a 15-year-old, you might find it helpful. It's certainly relevant. Good luck.
So. I finally bought myself a scale yesterday. Purely as a way to track progress on my journey to decrease my metabolic syndrome. And not as a stand-in abuser.
I tried to step on it this morning, but I couldn’t figure out how to turn it on 😂 Maybe that’s a sign...
I started reading this book on complex PTSD from childhood trauma caused by emotional abuse, neglect, and/or physical abuse, and I’m finding a lot of insights in it. If you had abusive or neglectful parents, even if the “minor” sort, you may find it helpful. The book makes me feel seen.
Hi there,
It's pretty common for kids to block out bad childhood memories. Think of it as a survival mechanism. Although you don't remember the events, you still suffer the effects. You may want to read about C-PTSD and see if it feels relevant. If so, this book by Pete Walker is outstanding (and not to sound like a salesperson, but it's free atm if you have Amazon Prime).
Good luck,
-Dee
Op go check out r/cptsd.
Cptsd is a complex form of ptsd that often stems from childhood abuse and it can absolutely ravage your life. There is a big chance he will find lots of help there.
Also Pete walker's book: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK
I'm sorry, it's not my job to convince you -- that's your job.
Most therapists are not equipped with the skills/experiences needed to identify and treat childhood trauma survivors.
There are myriad resources (e.g., books, YouTube channels, peer-reviewed literature) that would show you that your parents were emotionally abusive towards you as a child, and that is most likely why you have intimacy issues as an adult.
If you're seriously interested in healing, please read Pete Walker's book, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving". It's one of the greatest books I've ever read. You'll enjoy it and find it profoundly eye-opening if you're open to learning about yourself.
I wish you the best <3
in psychiatry, official diagnosis only matters for insurance claim.
Complex-ptsd is not properly recognized by many practitioners. It’s really common for people with childhood trauma to receive inadequate therapy and misdiagnosis. My favorite book on this topic is this
You may want to check r/cptsd as well
I meant to mention this before-- I don't know to what extent the science actually supports this. But about 20 years ago it was suggested that teaching pre-verbal children sign language helped smooth out tensions-- being hungry, sleepy, bathroom trips, scared, etc. Children at that age supposedly can learn rudimentary sign language that gets across their needs before they can learn to verbalize those same words. Like I said-- not sure to what extent this has been supported or debunked in the past 2 decades since I read about it but it's something to consider.
While I doubt she will be at risk of CPTSD, especially since you sound like a really supportive parent, you yourself might find insight and support from Pete Walker's CPTSD book. https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK
it was free on prime but now mahbe it's not. But you might be able to find exerpts or be able to borrow it online from a library if money is tight (I hate buying a book without being able to read enough to determine if it's worth it.)
good luck. hang in there. you've got this.
I’ve found the process of grieving very helpful.
This book by Pete Walker has been a good guide - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK
Meditation has also been a great way of finding a source of love and grounding within myself. Particularly the heart centred practices such as loving kindness.
Also having someone to talk through your history with, such as a therapist or teacher.
Wishing you well on your journey.
>It's really too bad how much our parents fuck us up.
It's insane the strength that it takes to overcome a shitty childhood. Dealing with that baggage is a full time plus job. You might like this book - the cover is super grumpy and I didn't read it for awhile because of that. But then when I finally did start to read it, it felt like it was written specifically for me. So many people on the r/raisedbynarcissists sub have said the same thing; it's probably the number one book recommended to people who experienced childhood abuse/neglect.
I can relate; I feel the same way. What you're describing sounds a lot like CPTSD. Reading this amazing book has helped a lot (the cover is weird and kinda grumpy looking - just ignore it, because the book is fantastic), as has microdosing and macrodosing psilocybin.
You might benefit from this book.
Poor caregivers cause us to adopt techniques to deal with them that we carry later in life. Perfectionism, hostility, etc. It comes out in all kinds of ways.
What can be learned however can be unlearned :)
You have not failed at therapy. Therapy is collaborative and you have to click with the therapist and the conditions have to be right for it to work. I know it feels like she does not care, but it is very plausible that she asked you not to return because therapy in that configuration is not only blocking your progress, but potentially harming you.
Transference can be very healing, but sometimes transference can be so intense that it becomes counterproductive. People sometimes have to go to another therapist to work through the transference. It sounds like maybe the transference you were experiencing was making it impossible for you to be open, and that was derailing therapy.
I think you should seek a different therapist and work on what happened there with the transference. There are great books that can serve as an adjunct to healing. Pete Walker's book on Complex Post-traumatic Stress is great and designed to give you tools for working both with and without a therapeutic relationship. Ultimately, however, for those of us with child abuse histories, the therapeutic relationship is the best way to heal because the relationship itself, aside from the work, is healing. I would look for a trauma-informed therapist.
I know what you mean about that head space. I know some really fucked up things happened when I was a kid, but I never considered myself abused. Until recently any criticism of my parents resulted in being told something like "They love you and want the best for you". or "Always trust and listen to your parents". It's like I was given a new way to see the world around me and it's like my entire life is unraveling. I'm reassessing everything. All their actions both the good and the bad stuff and their overall intentions. I agree it's like Stockholm Syndrome.
Thanks and good luck to you too.
This book is really helping me. I highly suggest it.
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00HJBMDXK/ref=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o00_?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Give her Pete Walkers book complex PTSD
This book is a great introduction and a real wake up call for anyone masking trauma.
Fuck your family, that behavior is not okay. I've had similar reactions from some people in my life and I no longer interact with those people. Your family hypnotized you into believing that you don't need help, because they couldn't cope with their own emotions. It's also possible that one or both of your parents are also ASD/ADHD, this stuff is genetic, so a lot of this could be them coming down on you the way they come down on themselves. But you're not going to save them from themselves, you need to get away from them.
For me, it's 100% around coping energy. All the weird little idiosyncratic behaviors I have? They're the skills I intuitively developed over the past few decades to help me manage my coping energy, which is a finite and precious resource. As long as I have coping energy I can generally deal with stuff - but when I run out, even little stuff like taking a shower becomes incredibly challenging. Big stuff becomes impossible.
Burnout happens when you've got low/no coping energy but keep trying to push through it. Eventually you build up a debt of coping energy that starts to interfere with your day-to-day functioning. It's crucial to become an active observer and protector of your coping energy reserves.
This means: pay attention to what makes you feel recharged and pay attention to what makes you spend coping energy. For me it's even little stuff - I realized recently that the aversion I have to walking around things in my path is due to the CE cost. Stepping around a box all day left me totally drained by evening, and I couldn't deal with shit.
So my advice to you is to make a list of the things that restore your energy, and make a list of the things you know drain your energy. Quantify it if you can. Then, of the things that drain your energy, identify the ones you still have to do no matter what - these define your minimum coping energy needs. The rest, give yourself permission to figure out how to avoid ever having to do again. This doesn't make you lazy, it means you're managing an invisible scarce resource that informs every part of your life and nobody else gets to have an opinion about that.
Find a way to start spending more time restoring your energy, find ways to say no to the things that cost your energy. Spend a good length of time in this state. You will soon start to feel better - don't push it! You're burned out, you can't start pushing the minute you get above 0 because then you just burnout again. (I learned this the hard way).
It's going to piss off people who have expectations around your behavior. You can explain to them or not - but you don't owe them explanations. If you must live with family it's probably best to let them know what's going on and let them know that whether or not they believe you it's very real to you, and that it's going to inform your behavior moving forward. Tell them that their comments are hurtful, though, so that if they choose to continue they're making an informed decision to hurt you.
I hope that helps, and welcome to our family! :)
This book helped me with CPTSD following an abusive childhood https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B00HJBMDXK/ref=pe_1007802_166382322_TEM1DP
This book changed my life, friend: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK
you could start seeing an online therapist right away if you have health insurance. If you suspect trauma, make sure that you look for a therapist who specializes in trauma. If you don't have health insurance, look for a local ACA group (they all meet online now and they are donations based) or a low cost trauma/therapy clinic (usually for new therapists in training). you can also check out the FAQ and Pete Walker's book for more info. good luck!
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK
and
https://pharmacist.com/article/va-uses-ketamine-treat-ptsd-effectively
Hang in there, help is finally coming.
If you get a chance, please read Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker and The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van Der Kolk. These two books completely changed my understanding of myself and why I suffered so much even though I felt I shouldn't have been.
Executive dysfunction comes with memory problems.
But.
There is another condition with symptoms that overlap many of the symptoms of ADHD. It's complex PTSD, and it is a crippling condition that can substantially interfere with quality of life.
Where regular PTSD is usually caused by one traumatic event, complex PTSD occurs when the person experiences multiple, regular, inescapable traumatic events especially in circumstances where the person cannot escape and is not rescued. That trauma doesn't have to be physical abuse. It can be emotional and sexual abuse. It can even be emotional neglect, especially if it happens in very early childhood.
In complex PTSD, amnesia - especially of childhood events - is common. It occurs due to several factors. The first is that during and after trauma, the brain is hyper stimulated by adrenal and cortisol stress reactions. Survival is primary. Memory formation is secondary. The trauma itself can cause issues with the brain properly storing and retrieving memory. Finally, many children in neglectful or abusive environments learn to dissociate and in doing so, prevent memories from being formed.
It turns out that not only do ADHD and complex PTSD share a number of symptoms - executive dysfunction, memory dysfunction, emotional regulation, and so on - but that people with ADHD are more susceptible to complex ADHD due to societal and cultural responses to the symptoms. If your parents call you lazy because you don't get your work done, and you're constantly punished for things you have no control over...that's an invitation to complex PTSD right there. It is also entirely possible that a person diagnosed with ADHD actually has complex PTSD and not ADHD.
I strongly recommend Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving for an excellent overview and explanation as well as step to take towards healing.
I’ll send more when my brain is functioning (post coffee), but have you read this? I cannot recommend to enough.
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK
I have had similar trauma and it changes you as a person. I’m personally never been bothered about autism when it comes to social things, but trauma has always been a constant. Someone who didn’t spend their childhood in fear can’t understand and thankfully most people haven’t had that to deal with that. I felt I was different because of my childhood and my other traumas, not my autism, even though that also makes me different, but I wasn’t bothered about that. I resented the trauma, I didn’t resent the autism.
When I was young, I kept looking for others with PTSD and/or similar traumas because I felt they were the only ones who could understand me, but ultimately we were all still too young, hurt and dysfunctional to function socially and we were just hurting together. My best friend as a teen was someone who also had a violent father, so we shared maladaptive behaviours, not the healthiest friendship.
Then, as I got older, I went into the opposite direction, and tried emulating a “normal” life as much as possible, buried the trauma and socialised with people who’d had “normal” lives or at least didn’t have PTSD. I wanted to distance myself from the misery. That made it worse and as it made me feel even more isolated.
Long story short, it was only when I finally processed everything, when I could look back and not feel the pain, when I stopped being a rape or childhood abuse victim, that I was finally able to relate to others. I found peace within myself, and so stopped looking for something from others, and by doing that, I was finally able to connect. It took me till my 40s, as I didn’t have access to therapy so had to do it alone.
These 2 books were very helpful: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK and https://www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Transformation-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00IICN1F8/ref=pd_aw_sim_sccl_2/258-3459236-0709132 - this guy is brilliant https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Invisible-Epidemic-Works-Heal/dp/1683647351
Give yourself time. You’re still young and have more healing and processing to do. You’re clearly a very strong, kind and brave person, so you have a lot going for you, and it’s important you recognise that and don’t judge yourself negatively, as you’re doing better than most would in your circumstances (I wasted years on drugs as l couldn’t cope). Her book is great and she has a TED talk and many interviews online: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself-ebook/dp/B004JN1DBO
Write a journal, write here as much as you need. Learn to meditate, it helps. Yoga is also great for trauma. I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through all of that, and I hope you’ll soon find people who can “see” you and value you, and support you along the way. Take care.
Not a diagnosis but there is the possibility that someone in a situation like yours would have CPTSD from all of the trauma they endured at a young age. As you said you are young, growing and self aware so progress is always possible.
I don't know if you have access to therapy? It can help. Even if you don't naturally feel led to "love" people a therapist can help you increase the likelihood of meaningful connections by making sure the "lust" tendency, (which I am assuming leads to a transactional overtone to your relationships?) does not hurt the people you are trying to connect with. It is like learning a second language but I know you can do it.
The cheapest and best fit (for me) therapy that I found was on 7 cups of tea. You can get a therapist and send them texts whenever you need. But I hope you find what works for you.
I am not a therapist but I wonder if it could help to extend some compassion to yourself? You have suffered through difficult situations and painful relationships, when you deserved safety and care. I hope you find a soft place to land and some kindness.
Books I recommend that help understand the difficulties of living as a trauma survivor would be:
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HJBMDXK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology, and How You Can Heal
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3JLCNX4K9FV2P&keywords=the+body+keeps+score&qid=1654297799&s=digital-text&sprefix=the+body+keeps+score%2Cdigital-text%2C106&sr=1-1
It is not easy to do what you are doing, to honestly examine oneself and reach out for help. That is the perfect mindset to embark on the difficult journey of healing, growth, and self development. Good luck
I saw your comment that you'll be off to college soon, there should be student counseling services available there. Please listen to u/inadequation & make counseling a priority, to learn the tools needed to make healthier choices & strengthen your ability to self-reflect. Your post shows remarkable self-reflection already, please don't stop doing that. I know it's scary as shit, I know it's not fair that you've been handed these burdens as you are trying to step out into independence, but you can do this. You can.
You can learn tools like boundaries, reparenting yourself, the difference between Karpman's drama triangle v. the healthy triangle, etc. Maybe start here: https://outofthefog.website/.
Also try Lee Hammock's channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/MentalHealness. He is diagnosed NPD & his example can show you that even with the diagnosis, improvement is possible. Also get your hands on Pete Walker's book CPTSD: from surviving to thriving: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK. There are people out there who believe that NPD is more a kind of complex post traumatic stress disorder, anyway.
Try not to focus on diagnosing yourself, rather focus on how the info can help you protect yourself from toxic folks around you, & how it can help you make better choices.
You are young, your brain has neuroplasticity & can change/rewire.
Disclaimer: I am non NPD, I just happen to have been lurking here & I have 20y/o and a 16y/o so I felt the urge to be your mom for a minute
There's this book:
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA - https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK/
Chapter 8 is called "Managing Emotional Flashbacks".
From that chapter:
"Emotional flashbacks are intensely disturbing regressions [“amygdala hijackings”] to the overwhelming feeling-states of your childhood abandonment. When you are stuck in a flashback, fear, shame and/or depression can dominate your experience."
"These are some common experiences of being in an emotional flashback. You feel little, fragile and helpless. Everything feels too hard. Life is too scary. Being seen feels excruciatingly vulnerable. Your battery seems to be dead. In the worst flashbacks an apocalypse feels like it will imminently be upon you."
The overlap between Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) and ADHD is immense. Unfortunately, the two conditions exacerbate each other and are hard to separate. Fortunately, treating one condition tends to have a positive impact on progress with the other! So it's a lose-lose origin story with a win-win ending possible :).
In addition to the resources recommended by others in this response, if the concept of C-PTSD resonates with you, Pete Walker is an amazing resource. (His description of emotional neglect and resulting C-PTSD discussion on his website; and his book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving are great places to start.)
Since you mentioned audio preference, the first chapter of Pete Walker's book is available on YouTube. And Gabor Mate has a number of lectures and interviews online. I really enjoyed his interview by Tim Ferriss: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9B5mYfBPlY&t=5792s
To not get overwhelmed, I recommend focusing less on the diagnosis or the origin and treating this more as a way to collect tools and resources to help you manage your symptoms and heal.
You're welcome! If you are interested, I SERIOUSLY recommend Complex PTSD: from Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker. That completely depends on your history, BUT I have worn mine out!
Also, I haven't read it yet, so I don't know if it's good, but I do have it, and its in my pile of "to read" books. But there is "Women, Sex, and Addiction: the Search for Love and Power", and its written by a woman, so that bodes well.
Pete Walker provides a list of steps to manage emotional flashbacks in his book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I've found this to be extremely helpful to deal with my panic attacks, when I used to experience them on a daily basis. Reading his book has helped me recover from this and other kinds of CPTSD effects. There are also other books and tools that helped me regain control of my body and my trauma responses.
I will copy the list from the book:
This is a list of 13 practical steps for helping yourself to manage an emotional flashback:
13 Steps for Managing Emotional Flashbacks
[Focus on Bold Print when flashback is active]
1. Say to yourself: “I am having a flashback”. Flashbacks take you into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as you were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.
2. Remind yourself: “I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present.” Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.
3. Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.
4. Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her/him unconditionally– that s/he can come to you for comfort and protection when s/he feels lost and scared.
5. Deconstruct eternity thinking. In childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless – a safer future was unimaginable. Remember this flashback will pass as it always has before.
6. Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. [Feeling small and fragile is a sign of a flashback.]
7. Ease back into your body. Fear launches you into “heady” worrying, or numbing and spacing out.
[a] Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. [Tightened muscles send false danger signals to your brain.]
[b] Breathe deeply and slowly. [Holding your breath also signals danger.]
[c] Slow down: rushing presses your brain’s flight response button.
[d] Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a pillow or a stuffed animal, lie down on your bed or in a closet or in a bath; take a nap. [e] Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body. It cannot hurt you if you do not run from it.
8. Resist the Inner Critic’s Drasticizing and Catastrophizing.
[a] Use Thought-stopping to halt the critic’s endless exaggerations of danger, and its constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self- attack into saying “NO” to your critic’s unfair self-criticism.
[b] Use Thought-substitution & Thought-correction to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments.
9. Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment. Validate and soothe your child’s past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn your tears into self-compassion and your anger into self-protection.
10. Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don’t let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn’t mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.
11. Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.
12. Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal your wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to your still unmet developmental needs and can provide you with motivation to get them met.
13. Be patient with a slow recovery process. It takes time in the present to become de-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process [often two steps forward, one step back], not an attained salvation fantasy. Don’t beat yourself up for having a flashback.
My clients, who post this somewhere conspicuous until they memorize the gist of it, typically progress more rapidly in their recovery. You can easily print out a copy from the “13 Steps” page of my website: www.pete-walker.com.
It's very difficult and scary to break away from your family baggage! Figuring out that you're a separate existence from your parents is 90% of the battle though, so good on you. (Not that the other 10% is a cake walk either!)
Honestly, having been there with an abusive mother, I think you should look into therapy with someone who specializes in CPTSD and check out a few books on the subject. Check out CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving and The Body Keeps the Score. For YouTube therapists, I recommend Therapy in a Nutshell and Patrick Teahan LICSW. Patrick in particular is great at explaining how CPTSD affects you and gives you tools to deal with triggers and overbearing people/parents--check out his roleplays (I linked a roleplay will maybe resonate, according to what I read in your post). Therapy in a Nutshell has a brand new video series on emotional regulation. It's not as good as a therapist, but it's a basic crash course of everything I've learned through therapy over the years.
Part of healing from childhood trauma is reforming your identity. It will come with a lot of time and work and perhaps even cutting off contact with your abusers for a while, but the result is 100% worth it. You will feel stronger emotionally, the world will feel less scary, and even your physical health will improve! :) I wish you happiness and health.
There is trauma from big events like wars (PTSD) and also developmental trauma, often called Complex PTSD. Complex PTSD is closely related to BPD.
This book has a great discussion of childhood trauma and how people develop different ways of responding to it:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HJBMDXK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
For some background on what CPTSD is I started with Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK/ref=sr_1_1?crid=UVWYSK862IH1&dchild=1&keywords=pete+walker+complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving&qid=1630682377&sprefix=Pete+walker%2Caps%2C45...
And after that, The Body Keeps the Score is an excellent resource that helped me start to understand how to start healing. https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K/ref=sr_1_1?crid=25GXMTBF9VX5W&dchild=1&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&qid=1630682323&sprefix=The+body+%2Caps%2C-1&sr=8-1
I really hope they help. <3
OYS - #7
Me: 31. Wife: 30. Married: 3 Yrs. Together 6 Yrs. Kids: 1.5 y/o Daughter
Physical:
Lifting 4 mornings a week. Current 86.0kg, ~15%BF (Mirror Test).
Lifts (kg x rep)- BP: 100 x 2, Sq: 130 x 5, OHP: 57.5 x 5, DL: 160 x 6, Weighted Chin: +16x5 Goal (kg x rep)- BP: 100 x 5, Sq: 150 x 5, OHP: 80 x 1, DL: 200 x 1, Weighted Chin: +25x5
Gym is feeling great. Energy is good, strength feels good.
Mental:
Practices: Daily meditation. Daily morning journaling / mental calibration.
Read: NMMNGx3, Rational Male 1/2/3 (audio), MMSLP, MAP, TWOTSM (audio), SGM. Reading: WISNIFG. cPTSD (link). Book of Pook. Many older MRP posts.
Plan to reread: MAP, TWOTSM, SGM, WISNIFG
My mental state is feeling great. I’m feeling a lot more motivated and upbeat than previous weeks. I think the drastic cutting back of YouTube, Reddit and other time wasters in combination with increased meditation is having a great impact… the extra gym time is probably helping too. The ability to just say no to urges (like looking at porn) has become 2-3x easier.
Frame:
The three main things I’m focusing on here are 1) Saying no, and not DEERing 2) Setting Boundaries, 3) Not backing out / compromising on parts of my life I deem essential (like gym and getting enough sleep).
I got linked a post about boundary setting last week by Beneficial_Secret_81 on boundaries (thanks again). My focus here at the moment is dealing with disrespectful language involving my wife, namely swearing and insults. The escalation plan I’ve been testing is 1- Call her out and request her to stop, 2- Repeat, 3- disengage from conversation, 4- Leave vicinity.
The part I’m struggling with is the disengage (It’s never gone to 4), as it feels like I’m bitching out and backing down. I’ve tried fogging in the past, but this didn’t really address the issue. She didn’t get a rise out of me in that moment, but she’d just use insults again next time she was annoyed.
Marriage:
(Apologies in advanced, this might be a bit long, I had an interesting weekend)
Tuesday- normal day. Cavemaned her at night. All good.
Wednesday- Wife had her first day back at work after maternity leave. Got a hard no at night as she said she was too tired. I said all good, rolled over and went to sleep.
Thursday- Repeat of Wednesday.
Friday- Friday morning I was putting our daughter in the car for daycare, but she was screaming and didn’t want to get into the car seat. My wife was stressing as she was running late for work and told me to just put our daughter in the front seat (1yr old). I said that’s impossible, so she fired back “Well hurry up then!!”, I returned with a pretty angry look (I didn’t appreciate her talking to me like that), and she backed down. I finished belting up our daughter, then just walked inside.
At around lunchtime I received a text message from her saying “I’m sorry about this morning in the car”. I simply replied “Busy times. It’s your first week back”. She replied “Yup. True.”. My instinct was to just ignore the initial message, but beta tendancies got the better of me.
I picked up our daughter from daycare in the evening, but forgot to bring home a couple of things of hers. When my wife got home, it didn’t take her long and she started:
Wife – I didn’t like the way you looked at me this morning.
Me – I understand (fogging), but I didn’t appreciate being told to hurry up like that.
Wife – no answer. About 10 minutes later
Wife – I don’t think you understood how I was feeling (trying to guilt me).
Me – You were stressed because you were late for work. I understand that, but I didn’t like being talked to like that (fogging & broken record).
Wife – no answer. About 10 minutes later
Wife – You just don’t understand as you work from home.
Me – I’m sorry, what don’t I understand? Can you explain a bit more for me please (Negative inquiry)
Wife – doesn’t matter… *walks off. Mutters under her breath “*I’m just so annoyed with you”
About an hour later
Wife – Where are daughters daycare shoes?
Me – What do you mean? Her shoes are at the front door?
Wife – Not her normal shoes, her daycare shoes??
Me – Her normal shoes are the only shoes I brought home. I guess I forgot them, my apologies (I had to really try not to DEER here, just acknowledge and own that I made the mistake)
Wife just unleashed. It was as if finding the fault here gave her the opening she wanted to let loose. In the past I’d have become defensive and DEER’d a lot, probably yelled back as well, but this time I was totally calm. I just fogged, negative inquired and owned any mistakes as she threw them at me. I actually had to stop myself smiling a couple of times, it was as if I could see exactly what she was trying and could see what was coming. I’m sure I came across as a total retard, and failed all sorts of tests from her, but it felt like a win…
Saturday – She was pissy all day. I just got busy.
Sunday – She was pissy again but a bit less than Saturday. I initiated sex Sunday night, she was receptive, and we went hard at it.
Monday – Seemed normal again.
It was the first time I’ve experienced anything like this. My mind is spinning a bit, but in a good way. Like I wrote above, it kind of feels a win: DEERed very little, didn’t get emotional, still mounted her a couple of days later.
Family: I’ve got a good idea where I want to take my family into the future, and what our life will look like. I haven’t really articulated these plans to my wife as I don’t think she’ll believe I’m capable of achieving what I want. That’s fine, 10,000ft rope.
Goals:
Abstract / Philosophical:
1./ Value System: Be more disciplined.
- Success: Meditated every day. Didn’t miss any gym sessions. Studied each weekday.
2./ Lead my family better
- I’m Just being more decisive and thinking about long term goals / plans.
Quantifiable:
1./ Cut porn completely, drastically reduce YouTube/ Reddit/ ect usage times.
- In progress: 2 week no porn. Only used Reddit a little bit on Sunday while watching UFC.
2./ 500kg weightlifting total (currently at about 420kg).
- Getting to Gym 4x a week. Hitting 200g protein a day.
3./ Launch side business by end of April.
- Making great progress, but a couple pivots will delay it a couple of weeks. Not worried about this as the changes are positive.
4./ Pass foreign Language test in July.
- Been studying every day for at least 30min, aiming for 1hr.
General Lifestyle:
1./ Do more things I want to do.
- Success: Watched UFC. Still gyming 4x a week.
2./ Sleep more.
- Success: Getting on average an extra 30min sleep per night
3./Use screens less outside of work.
- Success: Down to less than an hour a day.
60 DoD
Week 1: Lifting – Hitting gym 4x a week
Week 2: Diet – From this week cutting out sugar as much as possible.
Week 3: Hygiene – Groom regularly and to a higher standard (namely beard and body hair).
Week 4: Clothing – Have a lot of work to do here. Reading the posts and websites linked in the DoD post.
OYS - #6
Me: 31. Wife: 30. Married: 3 Yrs. Together 6 Yrs. Kids: 1.5 y/o Daughter
Physical:
Lifting 4 mornings a week. Current 85.0kg, ~15%BF (Mirror Test).
Lifts (kg x rep)- BP: 100 x 2, Sq: 130 x 5, OHP: 57.5 x 5, DL: 160 x 6, Weighted Chin: +15x5
Goal (kg x rep)- BP: 100 x 5, Sq: 150 x 5, OHP: 80 x 1, DL: 200 x 1, Weighted Chin: +25x5
After a bit of feedback from last OYS, I’ve put to the cut on hold until I hit my strength goal.
I increased the training sessions from 3/week to 4/week, and have been eating more, but somehow lost weight. Not exactly complaining as I’m feeling great: stronger, more sturdy, better energy, better libido.
I’ll monitor how my strength goes over the coming weeks and adjust my calories if needed.
Mental:
Practices: Daily meditation x2. Be present more. Daily morning journaling / mental calibration.
Read: NMMNGx3, Rational Male 1/2/3 (audio), MMSLP, MAP, TWOTSM (audio), SGM.
Reading: WISNIFG. cPTSD (link). Book of Pook.
Plan to reread: MAP, TWOTSM, SGM, WISNIFG (Probably a couple times at least).
Mental state has been good. Emotions feel more stable, and I feel as if external events are affecting me less, though it’s far from perfect. I still catch myself getting frustrated and pissy sometimes, after thinking it through I realize it’s generally due to covert contract.
After comments on my last OYS by /u/blarg_risen, I did a lot of reframing and thinking about what I’m actually trying to achieve with MRP. What’s my end game? What do I want and what does it actually look like? At to a lot of my questions I don’t exactly have clear answers.
As an example, when it comes to my wife & marriage, at first my answer was just “a good marriage, my wife respects and I have a great sex life”. These were a start, but I didn’t have answers to what this looked like on a day-to-day basis.
I also need to just focus on bettering myself first, as Blarg commented “internalizing that I am the prize”. I’m doing this by ensuring I’m getting my needs met that I can service myself, first. This means getting to the gym more, eating better, sleeping more, ect. The major one I’m focusing on at the moment as re-establishing boundaries with others.
Frame:
The three main things I’m focusing on here are 1) Saying no, and not DEERing unless I WANT to explain to the other person, 2) Setting Boundaries, 3) Not backing out / compromising on parts of my life I deem essentially (like gym and going to bed early).
Marriage:
Generally seems good this week. Wife is receptive to light kino. A bit more conversation has been flowing, with my wife actually initiating it a few times, which she hasn’t done for a while. Again, as Blarg_Risen pointed out to me, I’m still spinning a bit with everything I’m trying to do, so on this front I’m just focusing on setting and enforcing boundaries, and attempting to pass shit test.
I’ve taken the approach that 90% of what she complains about is shit testing, so I’m trying to treat it as such. In the past I’ve taken her more seriously, and it led me to where I am, so I’m trying this approach so see how it fares.
Family:
I’m getting a much better of idea of what I want, and where I want to lead my family. This feels good to have the path semi known, but I know I’ve got a lot of work to do towards it as well.
Goals:
Abstract / Philosophical:
1./ Value System: Be more disciplined.
- Success: Meditated every day. Didn’t miss any gym sessions. Studied each week day.
2./ Lead my family better
- Average: Nothing major, but a few decisions my wife asked me about, and I responded with as little hesitation as possible. Just worked on being more decisive.
Quantifiable:
1./ Get to 10% Body fat.
- On hold until after strength goals.
2./ Cut porn completely (already don’t jerk it, but too often I’ll look at gifs, videos ect when I’m bored).
- In progress: 1 week with no looking. From this week I’m going to include cutting out youtube / reddit (except OYS) as well. I find this as a crux/escape I waste time on.
3./ 500kg weightlifting total (currently at about 420kg).
- Got to gym 4 times last week, 2 already this week. Have put together a new program. Feeling great.
4./ Launch side business by end of April.
- Caught back up to schedule. I spent 10 hours on Sunday catching up.
5./ Pass foreign Language test in July.
- Success: Been studying every day for at least 30min, aiming for 1hr.
General Lifestyle:
1./ Do more things I want to do. ~~Be more interesting~~ (removing this is it’s a validation seeking goal)
- Success: Starting going to gym more.
2./ Sleep more.
- Success: Getting on average an extra 30min sleep per night
3./Use screens less outside of work.
- Success: Phone screen time report steadily decreasing each week, but still higher than I’d like.
OYS - #4
Me: 31. Wife: 30. Married: 2.5 Yrs. Together 6 Yrs. Kids: 1.5 y/o Daughter
Physical:
Lifting 3 mornings a week. Current 86.1kg, ~16%BF (Mirror Test).
Currently cutting (down 0.2kg from last week).
Lifts (kg x rep)- BP: 100 x 2, Sq: 130 x 5, OHP: 57.5 x 5, DL: 160 x 6, Weighted Chin: +15x5
Goal (kg x rep)- BP: 100 x 5, Sq: 150 x 5, OHP: 80 x 1, DL: 200 x 1, Weighted Chin: +25x5
I took last Friday’s gym session off as I was travelling with my family. I didn’t make it up over the weekend. I said it was due to time, but the truth is I prioritized catching up on sleep, and really was just a lazy shit about it.
Monday’s session was very difficult to get into, but I ground it out. I realized it was almost a week between sessions due to missing Friday’s. Lesson learned: Don’t be lazy, get my 3 sessions a week in.
Mental:
Practices: Daily meditation x2. Be present more. Daily morning journaling / mental calibration.
Reading: WISNIFG. cPTSD (link).
Read: NMMNGx3, Rational Male 1, MMSLP, MAP
I came across an exercise to do while journaling which I’ve begun doing every morning. Simply write down the following questions and answer them:
Who do you want to be / where do you want to go?
What MUST you sacrifice to get there? What are you WILLING to sacrifice to get there?
I hadn’t given the above question any thought really when I set out on personal development, and especially more so since taking part in the OYS. In hindsight, I assumed I could just add to my previous self, but it’s impossible: to change my beliefs and behaviours into something congruent with my value system and begin changing into the man I want to be, the dysfunctional parts of me would have to be cut away.
At first this sounded great, until I considered the impact of these changes would be: How would it effect relationships with my family? My friends? My workplace? My outlook in general?
I have no regrets for beginning this journey, it's just a part of the process I must and do accept.
Frame:
Same as last week. Still working on it day to day. Still working on saying “no” and not explaining myself by default. I’ve started doing the same with “yes” now. It seems to be getting easier each time, but it’s still a conscious effort not to DEER after I’ve given my answer, especially if the other person doesn’t respond right away.
I keep thinking back to WISNIFG: I am the ultimate judge of my actions. I don’t OWE anyone an explanation.
Marriage:
I’ve noticed after behaving a bit more RP and Stoic, my wife begins to act more feminine, kind, and loving, which is great, and something I want from her, but I’ve been finding myself getting pulled back towards BP behaviour as she gets more feminine. It’s something that I could feel was a bit off the past couple weeks, but I couldn’t articulate it probably to myself.
I think it’s a slight case of letting my guard down / relaxing. I have to be very mindful of this, as the changes I’m trying to implement aren’t just a strategy, but something I want to be authentic in myself.
Goals:
Abstract / Philosophical:
- Be more congruent between my desires-thoughts-actions
- Follow my value system more closely
- Lead my family better
Quantifiable:
- Get to 10% Body fat.
- Cut porn completely (already don’t jerk it, but sometimes I’ll look at gifs, videos ect when I’m bored).
- 500 kg weightlifting total (currently at about 420 kg).
- Launch side business by end of April.
- Pass foreign Language test in July.
General Lifestyle:
- Do more things I want to do. Be more interesting.
- Sleep more.
- Use screens less outside of work.
- Be more present with my wife / child.
Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry for what you have had to endure.
You have complex-PTSD symptoms (ADHD and anxiety are common presentations of CPTSD, as are low self-worth, perfectionism, difficulty standing up for yourself, self-sabotage behaviours, episodes of depression, loads of other stuff too) and your history of emotional neglect, emotional abuse (make no bones about it: what you have suffered is outright abuse) and sexual abuse is typical of CPTSD. Contrary to cultural recognition, research shows us that emotional neglect and abuse are the most damaging forms of childhood trauma, causing more profound and enduring effects than physical or sexual abuse, including the effects you describe on your executive functioning, self-care, and social functioning.
Most people with CPTSD gather multiple diagnoses across their lifespan, (commonly ADHD, ADD, OCD, social phobia, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, depression, BDD, etc) before uncovering the ‘real’ diagnosis at the heart of it all....CPTSD. Childhood trauma is the cause.
Three key points of constructive advice:
Read or listen to CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker (I guarantee you will be blown away by how accurately it describes your family dynamic and current symptoms)
Watch a few videos by Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. In the CPTSD world, our executive dysfunction is caused by dysregulation. It’s possible to heal from this: you are not doomed. Life won’t always be as astronomically hard as it is right now ❤️
Join (or just snoop) r/CPTSD - I think you will relate enormously to the content and find lots of allies for your recovery journey
OYS - #3
Me: 31. Wife: 30. Married: 2.5 Yrs. Together 6 Yrs. Kids: 1.5 y/o Daughter
Not only looking to fix and ensure I have a great marriage, but I want to become a HVM for my own sake.
Physical:
Lifting 3 mornings a week. Current 86.3kg, ~16%BF (Mirror Test).
Currently cutting (down 0.2kg from last week).
Lifts (kg x rep)- BP: 100 x 2, Sq: 130 x 5, OHP: 57.5 x 5, DL: 160 x 6, Weighted Chin: +15x5
Goal (kg x rep)- BP: 100 x 5, Sq: 150 x 5, OHP: 80 x 1, DL: 200 x 1, Weighted Chin: +25x5
My strength still seems good. I upped my calories just slightly as I was getting a pretty strong afternoon crash. Though this may slow the cutting process, the crash was effecting my work, so it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
Mental:
Practices: Daily meditation x2. Be present more. Daily morning journaling / mental calibration. Reading: WISNIFG. cPTSD (link).
Read: NMMNGx3, Rational Male 1, MMSLP, MAP
In a good place mentally. I’ve been doing a new journaling technique every morning, along with meditation, where you write out a goal in the 4 major areas of your life: Physical, Relationships, Personal Development and Financial. Next, for each goal you write out why you want said goal, the feeling you’d derive from achieving it, and the steps to take towards it. I’ve been finding this a great way to orientate yourself towards taking positive actions every day.
Frame:
A big point I wanted to work on was saying no more, and not explaining myself by default. I’ve done this a couple times this past week. One example was a friend asked if I wanted to start playing video games with him again, and I simply answered, “I’m not really interested in gaming anymore”. He tried to push it and ask me to why, my response was only “just not interested”.
I felt like this was a win, as in the past I’d have explain how I’m trying to better myself, say how video games are too addictive, take up too much time ect ect*.*
Marriage:
I’ve been found the past week pretty interesting, so to speak. I’ve been finding my ability to tune out to my wife’s moods is getting easier, and they actually are affecting me less. I’m generally feeling a lot less anxious about upsetting her, so in turn I’m more relaxed in general.
I also had a bit of an epiphany, or realization moment, a couple days ago, in which I think my wife might feel like she’s being left behind or feeling anxious about herself in relation to me. There’s been a few small things that have made me believe this.
Firstly, I took my wife and child to the next city over (a few hours drive away) for a bit of a getaway, plus my wife wanted to go to a large clothing outlet nearby it, so it was a win-win. As we were walking around doing a bit of site seeing, and the vibe she was giving off and her body language struck me as a bit unsure of herself. I decided to give her more attention, took some silly photos with just her, tried to take some nice ones, walked around holding her hand / with my arm around her shoulder ect. Her mood soon brightened right up.
Next, we’d had a lot to eat for dinner that night, and she wanted to check out the hotel spar and public hot baths. Asked if I was interested and I responded “nah, I’ve eaten waaay to much, I’d be too embarrassed to go into them. Maybe I look like a giant fat guy right now”, she responded “ahh, I don’t think so”
Third, after we got home from the trip, we were talking about cloths we’d bought from the outlet, and she made a comment about the t-shirts I’d bought “Just be careful about your gym, if you get much bigger you might not be able to wear the new shirts any more”. This may not sound like much, but it’s probably the closest thing she’s given to a compliment about my physique in a very long time.
Finally, she’s started running again, which she hasn’t done in close to a year.
I think the combination of a slight pay increase at work recently, more muscle from gym, (I’ve put on enough muscle for people to notice in the past six months, and a lot of my older shirts are now tight across the chest / shoulders), weight loss from the cut and now ignoring her moods swings is probably making her hamster a bit? I’m not sure here. I’m guessing they’re positive signs though.
Goals:
Short term:
- Daily exercise.
- Get to 10% Body fat
- Cut porn completely (already don’t jerk it, but too often I’ll look at gifs, videos ect when I’m bored).
- Do more things I want to do. Be more interesting.
- Launch side business by end of April.
Long term:
- Develop an articulable answer to “who I am”, not an answer tied to achievements / habits.
- Financial freedom / independence.
Can I recommend a book that changed my life? https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK
It's really just a passing sentence in his dramatization of the 4F's, but I tripped on it like a bear trap! https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker.
Especially in the cPTSD Reddit sub, psychotherapist Pete Walker's book is referenced frequently. I'm not sure if it's true, but he seems to present the idea of fawning as if he's coined it. I think that's where the OP's article drew its info from, and much of why the idea is being talked about with increasing regularity on the laymen side of things. To be clear, he's using it in a sustained traumatic environment rather than the typical short term bear encounter.
It's been a BIG week for me in terms of self-care and self-understanding.
I have been reading Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, and it has been a breakthrough for me. I find it so refreshing and hope-giving that a book that has sold thousands and thousands of copies can so accurately describe my experience and my responses to it. For so long, I felt so alone with my basket of struggles. But this makes me feel normal. It gives me hope I can overcome my coping mechanisms and ways I relate to myself, others, and the world even though I have been out of my parents' house for over a decade now.
As it relates to this sub, I've struggled with sticking to keto (or anything else) because I get this critical inner voice that says "what's the point" or "you'll never get there" or "why bother" or "you don't deserve to feel good." I have struggled with the critical inner voice so much, and I feel like the book has given me the tools I need to talk back to my inner voice and tell it to shut the hell up.
If you had a difficult childhood, you might find that book helpful. Abuse is not just "obvious" abuse like being hit or abandoned entirely... it is smaller things that have compounded, too, like parents who were emotionally unavailable, didn't allow you to show negative emotions, or were wrapped up in their own coping mechanisms (If they had an alcoholic parent themselves and didn't get therapy, they might have CPTSD themselves, and could have passed it on to you as a reaction to their own behaviors). It also may not apply to you... but just in case it does.
I mentioned a few weeks ago that I've decided to try to start being more open about this. Well, I blocked my mom from seeing my Instagram stories and have been posting about it there. (My insta is private.) I've posted a little about the book and how it could help other people, and I've had a handful of friends say it sounded like them. I also sent it to some of my close friends who I know also had difficult childhoods. (We seem to find one another, don't we?) It feels good to be more open about it.
Reading the book has allowed me to break through in how I parent and how I treat myself. I have started bullet journaling and writing down things I'm proud of myself for and making small goals for myself, like not eating until noon, getting in the shower by 8, not eating after dinner, or having all of my caffeine by noon. Small things that make a big difference in how I feel. But I'm also allowing myself to have a Christmas cookie here and there and the chocolate from my advent calendar because hey, it's Christmas, and I'm going to enjoy it. I even did some stretching and light weights this morning AND took the dog for a nice walk even though it's super cold outside!
I cannot explain to you how night-and-day this week feels and how the concept of self-care suddenly makes sense to me. It just never clicked before.
I also admitted to myself that I actually hate running and only picked it up as a teenager because it is my emotionally unavailable father's hobby and I wanted to spend time with him and impress him. Well, I've finally admitted, almost 20 years later, that I don't like running. I much prefer biking. But I will not force myself to run.
This book is the greatest gift I could have been given this Christmas -- a gift to myself and to my family. I feel like I was fully prepped and open to receiving this gift because I've been in EMDR therapy for 2+ years now. My flashbacks and emotional flashbacks don't seem so scary. I feel like I have the tools to start being able to get through them and accept them. I feel like I'm ready to start focusing more on how my past impacts my present and being a better parent because of it.
This is the biggest breakthrough in my life since I read "Understanding the Borderline Mother" at 20 and broke down crying because for the first time in my life I believed that I wasn't fundamentally defective. It's been an amazing week.
Have you read this book? Based on what you said, I think you could benefit from it. It has helped me immensely. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HJBMDXK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Possibly, though I'm not sure. Here's something I wrote for a similar situation:
>You have feelings because of the amount of time you've spent with this person and the memories and neural pathways you've formed around them. Your brain and body are full of biological drugs that get released when you're with them and thinking of them, and these drugs are very addicting (thanks mother nature). After time your brain will re-wire itself and the drugs will be gone from your system, at that time, being a solo man doing his own thing will be wonderful, especially when you use your higher brain functions to remember/understand all of the horrible things that come with modern relationships with modern women. But you're not there right now, and it's going to be hard for you for a while. You need to cut off all contact with her and give yourself time. Trust me, you will be good again and you won't even miss her, even though she has qualities you like and you enjoy your time with her. Just remember, you can fall in love with pretty much anyone if you spend enough time with them. This is why monk mode is the better choice...
>
>Also, whenever you feel sad, try to masterbate. It can make that longing disappear.
Did you have a strong and present father-figure in your life that told you about women's nature and reality? If not, you were likely raised by your mom to see women as your mental point of origin (it benefits her and her gynocentric worldview). Read that article and change that, so that you are your own mental point of origin, and you will be less needy around women, a whole person on your own, which women are attracted to. You may also be dealing with a substantial amount of male mother need, unless your mom abused you even as an infant. If you're dealing with trauma from childhood/over the long term, check out Pete Walker's book and Therapy in a Nutshell.
Try to read about as much as possible about your situation and people going through similar stuff as you do. This sub is a good place or any sub RBN related, r/CPTSD is another one, Out Of The FOG forum or website. Pete Walker's book From Surviving to Thriving or his website are helpful.
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
This one?
Hi! That sounds like disassociation to me, could be related to the adhd too (or the adhd could be a result of the trauma).
Do you have access to therapy at all? Maybe you could look into local resources that have a sliding pay scale?
If not, I have a couple recommendations for now.
- Read this book about trauma (warning - it can be hard to read since he talks about his own trauma, it took me a couple months to get through). It explains a lot about trauma shapes us and he covers disassociation, there are also exercises that should help
- Try to spend time with other people. I know it's hard right now to socialize but if you can, phone a friend, maybe set up a weekly date to go on a walk or something, hang out with your roommates etc. Even if it's just talking to people online or in a video game, spending time with people is really healthy
- Set up a daily routine and try to follow it. Something like - get up after 8 hours of sleep, eat breakfast, go for a walk, study for 2 hours, lunch, phone a friend, study for 2 more hours, read a book, dinner, relax... You can set alarms to eat/drink if you keep forgetting, personally not eating makes my disassociation much worse, same with sleep deprivation.
- Try to pay attention to how you're feeling if it's not too overwhelming. An easy way to start is to check in with yourself and see if you feel uncomfortable, too hot/cold, hungry or thirsty, tired, sad or happy, anxious or calm, what you like/don't like, etc. Then you can deal with any physical needs and start being more aware of your emotional needs. I also like expressing my feelings through art because it's less overwhelming than just feeling without any outlet.
Take care and let me know if you need anything!
Edit: forgot to add - journaling! It's a great way to reconnect with yourself, keep track of your progress, and become more aware of patterns in your life. There are prompts online or you can just write about what's going on/your thoughts.
Will Stoicism, as philosophy of life, help you to solve the hard problems you face with feelings and people? Yes and no.
You have a serious mental health problem - childhood trauma & abuse. You figured on your own that it’s quite a big influencer on how you feel, think, act. It is. Childhood trauma is life driven by fear, pain, anger, frustration and isolation. It must be addressed first and foremost. Alas, Stoicism doesn’t have all the power that can help anyone to deal with such serious problems. The whole concept of cPTSD is new, we have a lot of methods to deal with that in an effective way.
In my experience, Stoicism felt as the best “complementary” philosophy that can greatly enhance healing. It will constantly push you to notice, evaluate & work on important questions that also are crucial in trauma recovery. What’s really in my control? How can I fulfill duty while it’s quite heavy social component (both acceptance of people and kindness to them and protecting your own boundaries & peace of mind)? Is it how reality is or my perceptions and judgements? How the real world works? It will also demand you to work through your feelings and emotions, because it’s about taking control of them via processing, not suppressing, and courage to do it.
Trauma causes lots of glitches in how one perceives and interacts with the world (e.g. limbic system going overdrive in perfectly normal situations is one of such glitches or frustration about not understanding in human relationship what seems obvious for others - eg. getting acceptance without working hard on it). Stoicism prevents you from “hiding” from bad feelings and emotions and, hell, you will have to go through a lot of demons on your way to recovery. Because, ultimately, there’s no excuse about being the bad person and doing bad things to others, and you must do hard things to be a good person, even if they are scary. That’s one of the crucials (sorry, not a fan of quotes) both for practicing Stoicism and recovery.
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I could write a lot about both of them and how they interact, but, not so much space available. So, here’s a good starter pack for looking deeper at issues that you’re facing and learning about why hurt inner child affects in such ways and how to heal him:
Despite self-publishing and amateur annotation, this is a great book that explains what c-PTSD, abuse patterns and its affects on survivors in addition to what normal emotions and feelings are. It was my first book on this topic and it was liberating to learn those things & realize that a) I’m not alone; b) what’s going on with me has some rational explanation; c) there’s hope.
2. Bruce D. Perry: The Boy who was Raised as a Dog
This book deals with pretty nasty cases of child abuse, the extreme ones (e.g. boy raised in a dog cage or teenager raping and killing in rage 2 girls just because). Those severe cases help to broaden understanding of the trauma, even if the signs were not that visible. For example, I could relate to almost all the stories in this book, including this teenager sociopath (so, yes, it can be quite hard read). Bonus points: Dr Perry is child psychiatrist and he gets technical a lot too (e.g. affect of trauma on developing child brain).
3. Bessel van der Kolk: Body Keeps the Score.
That’s another account on trauma by a doctor. What I loved the most about this book is that it talks a lot about present moment, what people do to get healed and how adults survivors behave. Mind-body-brain connection is one of the elements of this book.
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I’ve been in your shoes and I know how hard some of the things are. I’m still in the process of recovery, and people’s journey out of childhood hell are extremely different and unique (just as their cases), but if you have any questions, please, ask. You have done a great job so far. You still kicking, not giving up and what’s the most important - actually caring about people and yourself. Your anger is valid, because anger is natural response to injustice and there’s a lot of injustice going on (or happened) from what you told. There’s way out of darkness. Hard one, but still there’s. And, yes, Stoicism can help a lot, but only as a complement for the beginning of the journey.
PS good article and good point too - Stoic Advice: I have ADD, can I still practice Stoicism?
PPS By “mental health” first, I don’t necessarily mean: “go to therapy right away!”. The therapy is complicated, and not always the first step. What your therapist advised you: “just notice your bad thoughts, acknowledge it is a hurt inner child, and then act like adult and make a habit out of it” is totally unscientific and damaging bullshit. You had all the right to be angry with her. But it is another topic.
EDIT: grammar & formatting
I recommend this book
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