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Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition?
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Time to have a come-to-Jesus talk with this man. Brush up on your "crucial conversations" skills, let him know your expectations of him, that you support him, and see if he's interested in development opportunities. Basically - be a good leader. He'll either come around or he won't.
First off, almost all of us feel stupid in engineering school. The feeling never really goes away. That’s fine. If you are growing there are times you’ll feel stupid.
One of my best friends is 4’11”. She looks cute and graduated in the 1980s. Not the best time for women. She went to work at a major automotive company and many times had to go into the factories.
Some incidents: one manager literally picked her up and held her at eye level against the wall so he could look her in the eyes in order to scream at her.
Often times she would get patted on the head. She thought that this was fine as it exposed their armpit, which she promptly punched. Hey, she was being physically assaulted, yes?
She made it to VP level and worked in the international operations. This included countries where women got less respect.
My point is that yes there will be disrespect from jerks. Yes there will be problems. But you can have a very successful career in spite of that.
I’ve found the same for my own career. I’ve had jerks treat me like an idiot even when I was introduced as the subject matter expert. This is pretty universal. And since it is universal it means that it isn’t you. So you don’t have to worry about their opinion.
I’d say that you do need to up your game in the confidence area though, as men will attack a less confident woman.
You are not required to represent all women. Just yourself. If you enjoy engineering then stick with it.
If you are feeling weak in standing up for yourself I’d recommend Crucial Conversations . It gives tools for difficult conversations.
I think this a nursing issue, not an MD issue. Residents don’t train our new grad nurses and their advice would likely be that you need to correct this as his preceptor. He needs honesty and firm boundaries. Have a conversation, if he keeps it up talk to your supervisor/educator on implementing a formal written improvement plan. If that doesn’t work and he’s still being an asshole are you going to let him pass orientation? If you struggle with setting boundaries speak to your unit’s manager or nurse educator on tips to precept more effectively. There is a good book called Crucial Conversations that I recommend to help with boundaries in a professional and effective manner.
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
If you’re actually looking for strategies (this sub is more for venting than advice), I think this book is helpful.
It does suck when when people respond to a problem with ‘have you tried not having the problem’.
Regarding "the conversation didn't go well", I'd recommend you read the book Crucial Conversations. While not a panacea, it may help you in framing the conversation a bit better
See if there are any local Toastmasters where you live. This is a group that meets to practice speaking aloud on different topics to groups of people learning/practicing doing the same thing.
$10 on amazon is a book i read once.
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
If you're interested I recommend you this book. It has both scientifically-backed explanations of why we suck so much at communicating, as well as practical examples on how to maintain proper dialogue, even with difficult people.
I'm currently trying to implement it to handle talking to my parents, which are among the most stubborn people I know.
Remember, lack of planning on her part does not constitute an emergency on your part!! Setting boundaries is important here and every time you cave to her ridiculous demands you are reinforcing the pattern of her using you as a doormat. There's a good book called Crucial Conversations with tips on communicating in difficult situations, it's presented from a business point of view but has great pointers on how to speak in a way that others will take you seriously.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1469266822/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_t1_QMWPFbZMEPGSN
I’d also like to recommend Crucial Conversations. Not all of it will apply to your situation - some parts are about talking to colleagues, etc, but it’s basically about how to navigate topics so that they are discussions, not arguments.
Someone talked about Crucial Conversations the other day on another post. I think this is another example of when this can be useful.
The principle is essentially that we are naturally poor at having useful conversations when emotions are running high and there is consequence to the outcome. We either dodge the conversation entirely, talk around the issue, or go in too hot and heavy - none of which are actually a productive approach.
Navigating crucial conversations requires candour, a solution-focused approach, and the ability to offer direct comments without making the other person feel threatened. You also need to have a really clear understanding of what you want the outcome to be, and stay absolutely focused on it.
I would try something like the following, in private to mitigate the threat risk:
>Michael, I've noticed you're often quite critical of the staff on my team. Having worked with them for a couple of months now, my experience is that they're passionate and hardworking but lacking in confidence, and I'm worried that our frustrations with them are counterproductive. I'd like to take a more encouraging and coaching-oriented approach to leading this team - it will take some time to move them past these mistakes, but I think this is the most reliable way to do it. Can I check that I have your support with this?
Obviously adapt to the specifics of the situation and what you're trying to achieve.
This isn't a solve all. If you are interested in getting other perspectives about what you're describing this could be a helpful resource. I think overall I did find it more helpful than not. The first 2.5 chapters were pretty lame and then it started being more useful.
​
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
this is a really good, short book with examples of phrasing that are helpful to use https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
Sometimes just coming out and saying in a phone call or in person what you perceive and asking if the person means to be doing that can go a long way.
>In spite of all of this, she does sometimes do amazing work for our nonprofit so firing her isn’t an option.
Sometimes? Is she the only person that can do that work? I would also question this with your board. Someone who is treating their clients like crap shouldn't keep getting hired.
Sounds like a crucial conversation needs to happen.
IMO they probably think what they're doing is for the project's best interest.. I'd be surprised if they're actually being malicious, right? Who would do that?
If they have some sort of technical vision, it's probably more productive (long term) to hear them out and let them pursue it within time and scope constraints.
Sometimes a small experiment can replace a large discussion. Also, for the future, it might be beneficial to have an M.O. for these situations. It could take an otherwise uncontrollable situation and make it more controllable.
Not that it should be happening regularly... It's not okay that they are just going rogue.
This is a great opportunity for you to define what kind of leader you'll be. I assume you're leading the project in some capacity? You can reign with an iron fist. However, I've found that less efficient than using trust AND responsibility.
Good luck!
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
Highly recommend reading Crucial Conversations. It'll help improve your ability to communicate clearly when stakes are high. If you don't have much time to prepare, remember to stay calm, set your ego aside, and assume your boss doesn't realize what you're about to share. You're on the same Team.
Crucial Conversations is a method published in a book called Crucial Conversations. https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
I have seen copies in used bookstores and occasionally at Goodwill.
The idea is that you have moments where people disagree, the stakes are high (so you can’t just walk away and agree to disagree), and emotions run strong.
The first step is to connect with your heart ... it is similar to taking in the whole board intuitively, but you’re feeling rather than analyzing. This is an important step, because otherwise we stay in tunnel vision instead of stepping back. Things that seem urgent may not really be so urgent.
Then there are several communication principles to try. For example, allow everyone to be able to contribute to the shared pool of meaning. Finding common ground, or even bringing up contrasts.
Another, is getting an expanded view of blame and accountability.
As far as teaching games ... having a teenage daughter and a five-month-old son and having from time to time walked someone through some stuff in martial arts ... if you want to teach, you have to give up wanting to win. What you are doing is to grow and develop the other person. You are not trying to win so much as introducing just enough pressure so that the other person is challenged.
(This stuff is what I am learning with regenerative paradigms, and something I call “completing the great circle of the warrior’s path”; but that goes down some rabbit holes that include the woo).
How to do that in a game — I am not there yet. I have tried teaching my daughter (she was more interested in other things), and I am looking forward to teaching my son.
I just started reading this book at the recommendation of one of my closest friends.
I'm about 5 chapters in and I enjoy it because it walks that narrow line between "this is a book that pertains to the upkeep of professional relationships" and "this is a book with information on the human condition that sheds light on why we act the way we do."
I tend to prefer more mental-health related books such as Daring Greatly (book about vulnerability), Empowered Boundaries (self explanatory title), and Self-Esteem (again, title kinda gives it away). So, I appreciate that Crucial Conversations isn't just boiler plate recommendations like "don't be afraid to speak up; silence is the enemy; give yourself affirmations in the mirror."
I agree with you about needing to take this seriously. Others have already provided emotional support and validation.
That said, you lost. You're now a hothead in their eyes. Nothing you say can be taken seriously, because they've seen you don't have control of your emotions, you can't stay calm and think/talk without getting overcome by emotions. They will remember this outburst. They will project your hysterical meltdown onto everyone else practicing social distancing and masking to slow the spread of COVID. You're now a story they'll be telling people "These doomers are really angry and irrational. The madness even got to my relative who I live with, let me tell you how nasty and hysterical they were the other day..."
Understand that the moment you attack people, they defend themselves. People who are defending themselves cannot listen to what you're saying. Which is why it's important in these charged conversations not to raise people's defenses by lashing out. It feels righteous and persuasive to you in the moment, but it is completely off-putting and a conversation-ender on the receiving end.
Crucial Conversations is a book that's helped a lot of people navigate charged high stakes discussion in a productive way.
Maybe you're like me: very good at gathering courage and engaging in communication, but you're bad at the wording or fail to set a good mood.
What I mean is, in order for someone to be committed to the decisions you make as a couple, they have to be invested, to understand them. And for that to happen, they need to feel like they can say anything to you — that is, to feel safe.
Dialogue can go to hell for stupid reasons such as assuming that you have different intentions, being scared to tell the truth, etc.
I've been reading Crucial conversations and it has helped me wonderfully. Maybe you'd like to give it a try.
This is very tough questions and I'm not sure I know or qualify to answer it...
Try to show small wins and slowly build your marketing strategy. Honestly, once I had a very tough consulting gig where I had to constantly argue about every small thing... and it can be tiring. This book really helped me change my approach:
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
I'm not going to apologize for the rant that follows, because you are one of the most opinionated posters on this sub who acts like their opinion is always right, regardless of evidence that may indicate otherwise.
Start paying attention to things that happen outside of your bubble and take in information that is presented to you in the spirit of discussion. Note that when you state an unequivocal opinion on the internet, people are generally going to call you out on your bullshit, and you should fucking expect to have to defend yourself. Otherwise, you can just stop fucking responding and/or stop posting holier-than-thou bullshit.
>I don't think reading scientific studies actually teaches you how to act in a given situation
Because I don't mind providing evidence to back up my opinions. This is how some people use science to inform their actions in given situations.
I'm a PM and spend most of my day working with SEs. Soft skills are extremely important, especially at larger companies where politics is more of an issue. I've noticed that in both PM and dev, those who maintain a positive attitude towards a project are generally the ones more likely to rise in the ranks. Equally important is the ability to criticize in a manner which is constructive and not just "well thats the dumbest fucking idea I've heard all day". I'm always trying to improve my soft skills, partly because its core to my job as a PM and partly because I'm a naturally pessimistic persona. One book I found interesting and helpful is Crucial Conversations: http://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Edition/dp/1469266822
To say something different from what others have, I'd recommend reading a book on communication like Crucial Conversations. This would help each of you understand your perspectives better and make your own case more effectively.
Ultimately, the only person you can control is yourself. It might be easiest to just accept your girlfriend for who she is. Drinking is very common and for most people tends to die off after they are college age, so recognize that too.
I am glad that you finally got through to your parents, and I agree with the positive comments that are already here. So as not to just repeat what other people have been saying, let me just add one or two things that I hope will be helpful for you in the long run.
And it actually has less to do with Mormonism than you might think. It sounds like you had some issues that built up for many years and they finally boiled over and turned ugly. It's easy to justify saying some blunt, rude, and aggressive things afterward with a false dichotomy: it was either that or suffer in silence. Maybe you could see this as a starting point: instead of bottling up, you let it out. Now, look into some strategies for letting it out in a more effective way. Think carefully about what "victory" means to you and your relationship with your parents, and have specific goals in mind when you talk to them. It sounds like your parents don't have certain important communication skills, and you may not have them either as a result. That isn't your fault. However, your adult life is just beginning, and you have plenty of time to be so much better than they are.
The book that helped me pick up all the skills my parents lacked is called crucial conversations. I wish you the best of luck as you move forward with your life.
OK, kiddo, a couple of things here.
I can tell you're upset and feeling guilty, but take a minute to breathe deeply and relax. This is an extremely emotionally charged and heavy situation with great potential to go pear-shaped, yes, but this isn't insurmountable. You're not a terrible person for feeling this way because a) "I've had enough," is a legitimate reason to end a relationship, and b) you're trying very hard, almost too hard, to be respectful of his feelings.
First thing's first: Are you both OK, medically? A year without intimacy is a long time, and you don't really offer up any explanation for why. Are either of you sick or depressed? Have you just grown apart from him because he's not interested? Or, have you lost interest? The answer to this question will inform all your future decisions.
Second, what do you want here? Do you want to try to recover the relationship, or is it way too late? Recovery, of course, would start off with couple's therapy to identify what went wrong and how to better communicate with each other to prevent this happening in the future. If either of you are dealing with depression or other emotional trauma, individual therapy should also be considered. Medical issues should also be addressed as required.
You seem to indicate that you're all done, and it also seems like you've drifted away from him but he's still interested in you, so we'll proceed in that vein.
Have you been open and honest with your partner about how you're feeling? If not, this will be an even more difficult conversation because he'll feel blind-sided. If you are unsure of how to have a hard conversation like this, give <em>Crucial Conversations</em> a read. It can help you more safely navigate the murky waters of emotionally-charged conversations. A bit of individual therapy would not go amiss here, either. It will help you frame your ideas, temper your emotions and practice your words to help you prepare for the break-up. If you need help finding a free/low cost therapist and are in North America, dialing 2-1-1 will help you access community resources.
Practice your conversation, get used to saying what you will have to say. Pack your things and move your precious things to safety if you think there will be a chance for violence, and consider having a witness or two on hand just in case things get out of hand.
During your conversation, try to stay cool and collected. If he gets upset and starts accusing you of taking advantage of him, stay calm, tell him you can see why he would feel that way and assure him that was not your intent.
Remember: once you've responsibly broken it off with him, his emotions are not longer your concern, unless he's lashing out and making you feel unsafe (in which case, withdraw to safety or contact the police for help, whichever seems called for.)
Remember: you're not a bad person. People grow and change and relationships end. That doesn't mean either party was "bad" or "good." It just means the relationship has ended. Look at me: I'm Mormon. We believe marriage should be eternal. Forever. I'm divorced and remarried. Neither my ex or I would characterize the other as "evil." Don't get me wrong, I don't like my ex or want to spend any time near her if I don't have to, but I recognize that she's doing the best she can with what she's got and the two of us are just not compatible.
This will be hard, but I know you can do it, and I know you will do it responsibly. Regardless of what direction you choose, allow me to recommend seeing a good therapist before, during and after. Talking to a trained professional always helps.
I love you and am proud of you!
Love,
Dad
P.S. If I'm honest, a year without intimacy has probably gotten a little old for him, too. He may be ready for this to end as well.
Software team manager at FAANG here. That is excellent advice.
Also FWIW, "leetcode" is a coding interview practice site- useful if you're not practiced at coding interviews, but don't focus on it to the exclusion of actual software development and teamwork skills.
If you're serious there's an excellent book which explores this and other communication challenges. Highly recommend it.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1469266822/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_5x4fFbJPY8QW5
You've been buried in comments all day. Just gonna say, get yourself a copy of Crucial Conversations..
Great guide for having difficult conversations.
Hi,
I highly recommend Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. The book talks about exactly what you want. How to have productive, effective conversations while emotional. It's a super good read thats highly actionable.
Amazon link to book:
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
Synopsis of book:
http://www.peace.ca/crucialconversations.pdf
With love,
Bill Dinh
My guess is that deeply emotionally charged conversations were not something you were allowed to engage in or learned how to navigate as a child.
Happens to more people than not.
Crucial Conversations is an excellent resource.
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
But one way or another, you will need to learn how to have serious, charged conversations, with potential conflict, anger, disapproval, even tears, and maintain your composure, while staying present and engaged and receptive to what comes back at you... all without losing focus.
Good luck. But now or never, right mate?
It was only because of the comments that I realized this was legal advice and not relationship advice.
But anyway, a wise man once told me that "EVERY problem is solved with communication". I'd start there. Have the tough talk and get to the bottom of it. If you're unsure how to do that right, I read an amazing book in my undergrad about conflict resolution and communication. I recommend it to everyone: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
I just read much of “Crucial Conversations” yesterday on the plane. https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=fd4ee5f7-df0d-4170-8c34-c1629e9d7add
No problem - also, when it comes to hard conversations - When I was in Customer Success, my boss at the time recommended a book to me that I find is extremely useful with effective conversation in awkward, high temperature situations. It's called Crucial Conversations and is something I also recommend reading through as well.
Back when I was in that role, my boss (probably one of the better ones I have had in my life) used to encourage us as CSM's to do roleplay scenarios in a workshop that had us pick scenarios out of a hat and he'd pretend to be a generally hostile customer that was demanding a feature request be honoured or they're churning the business, for example.
While not quite as entertaining as the outcome from a classic Office scene, it was actually really beneficial for practice to show how to keep yourself collected and apply the rules from that book to conversations and de-escalate.
There's this book "crucial conversations" that recommends: take a deep breath, and think "what do i want for me, what do i want for them".
>So I want to get to the bottom and try to fix any issues or concerns.
I read this as I want to determine the problems, and attempt to fix them; but it seems like you know the problems:
- They want a promotion/raise they aren't going to get
- They are looking to leave
- You feel like they don't like you, and their treating you badly (maybe?) "Their attitude to me also changed for the worse."
- You've got concerns that they don't feel like you contribute
If i were your report my preference with my boss would be that we establish these are the problems and there aren't more problems. If they are the problems one and two are completely reasonable to be up front with, and them looking elsewhere is also perfectly reasonable, but 3 is needless.
For three the generally recommended practice is: "During this situation x, you did <action>. I found this <negative emotion>. It had <negative impact>".
For four, if you do any kind of standup sync, this should be pretty obvious what your doing.
Admittedly I haven’t read this yet, but it’s on my list. Recommended by an attending about having productive conversations and negotiations.
So regarding conflict management and resolution, I find that the best approach is to see it as trying to find a way to recruit the other person to your team and work together for a solution. The only way to do that is to understand their position and their perspective. Seek first to understand, then be understood as Stephen Covey says.
There's a great book called "Crucial Conversations" by Joseph Grenny which has some solid advice. There's also a 4 minute book review if you're looking for the quick tips.
"Hi, I was hoping we could talk about my babysitting and the payment. I was hoping that we could both get on the same page and work together to figure this out. I'm sure the situation of payment is causing stress for both of us, and I wanted to talk to you so we can find a solution to get past it. Is it alright if I say a few things before getting your side of things?"
Basically the advice is to use the "STATE" method.
- Share the facts: "I've babysat for you several times without payment, and you have paid me in the past or have paid me in increments over a time. There are a few occasions that we still need to resolve."
- Tell your story: "When you don't pay me for my work, or when I have to pressure you to pay me it makes me wonder if you don't care or don't take paying me seriously because we're family. It's beginning to feel like I'm being used as free babysitting, and this is raising concerns for me about continuing to do it in the future."
- Ask for the other's paths: "That's how it appeared to me, can you help me better understand what's going on?"
- Talk tentatively: Notice how during this I use phrases like "It makes me wonder...". You want to present things as opinion and how you saw it. The only time you talk about facts is in the beginning where you try and objectively state the situation.
- Encourage Testing: This is where you try and get their side of the story. Make sure they understand that you want to hear what they have to say. Don't just say it and cut them off midway. Try to see what might be causing her to not pay you. Is money tight? is she overwhelmed with a lot of things?
There's many ways this can go, but the big thing is you want to try and create a non-judgmental space for her to tell her side of things, and simply let her know what your perspective is without being accusatory.
​
Try and come up with a solution, maybe it's about nailing down a payment schedule/deadline, maybe the talk will get her to realize things. However, even after the talk and everything, if she still doesn't hold up her end of things, then you should just stop babysitting entirely. "We discussed a solution and you didn't hold up your end of things so I can't agree to keep babysitting for you."
For those interested: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
There's a lot of advice here, but I wanted to touch on you avoiding confrontation. I highly recommend you read the book [Crucial Conversations](https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822). I also think you should take talking to this employee about expectations as a growth area for YOURSELF. If it's not crucial to your business to get rid of them NOW, take this is as a growth area for yourself and not your employee.
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1469266822/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_EAYVCXKYSH1RFP2QJEH1
Crucial Conversations is a great place to start. Fierce Conversations is a rip-off of the original.
Are You the One for Me? is a cringe-worthy early-90s title that happens to really be useful. It's also a great "let's read and talk together" book. Thesis: who you're (probably) looking for isn't who you need due to unresolved shit. Super spot on, until it isn't.
Talking to Strangers and boy howdy it doesn't get much stranger than OLD...
First off, I want you to know that if you had concerns about something in the relationship, you have a right to talk about them and have them addressed. I don't know details, but from what I read, this sounds like you have a breakdown of communication rather than trust issues. They can be linked but focusing on establishing a good communication foundation will likely help the trust concern.
There is not a simple overnight solution to this, especially if you both are determined to stay together for life. Relationships are an ever growing and ever changing road. The most obvious obstacle you will have to overcome is as the years pass, you both will discover more about yourselves and that may lead to more difficult conversations.
A suggestion for right now: have a conversation with her that is about building a communication bridge. You want to feel comfortable going to her with your relationship problems and also for her to feel the same comfort to come to you with her relationship problems.
Long term: You are only 50% of this relationship so if she isn't as receptive, there is a limit to what you have control over. HOWEVER if she is receptive and just as committed, then I highly recommend you both read - Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Greeny, MchMillian, Switzler (https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822) This is a topic that will make everything in life just a touch easier if you study it. Many libraries have this to check out if you want a free copy.
Real relationships are not easy, and there will always be arguments because you are two individuals with different thoughts, but they are worth working for. Imagine a life that neither of you are ever anxious about the other, you have a balance of when to let things go and when to approach each other with a concern without fear of breaking up. The anxiety and concern that drove you to talk to your friend wouldn't happen anymore because the moment something becomes a problem, you know you can just go to her. You wouldn't need to fear that she was hiding anything because she is comfortable telling you anything. This is the life you are striving for together and it is real, you can reach this point if you both put in the effort.
I wish you both happiness in life
*Disclaimer* These are suggestions and tools given by personal experiences. I do not claim to have all the answer nor enough details to ever ensure things will work out perfectly smoothly. Take my thoughts and ideas by your own choice.
You don’t confront. You have a crucial conversation about it: https://www.amazon.ca/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
You are very good. Good luck. Don’t forget this is an opportunity to practice one of the crucial conversations. It’s not your last one.
For soft skills I would recommend “Crucial Conversations”. There’s a lot of argument and discussion in engineering and this book shows how to approach disagreement.
Another book is “Influencer”. This book is important for when you interact with other groups but have no managerial authority over them.
I recommend "Crucial Conversations" (Amazon). This is one of the books we used at work for management training.
Dehumanization, exploitation, abuse, neglect, and cruelty are rampant and normalized.
I recommend everyone read:
Crucial Conversations tools for talking when stakes are high
Crucial Accountability tools for resolving violated expectations, broken commitments, and bad behaviors
NonViolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I first listened to it on my library app and then bought the paperback and workbook to go through.
We can set cultural boundaries for what's okay, and what's not okay, together by holding the bad faith actors in our midst accountable.
I've actually gone the other way - English is my second language, but I forced myself to get to such a level of fluency that I sometimes feel I need to dumb it down for the native speakers. You have no idea how many times I, a college drop-out, talk to someone who has a PhD diploma hanging behind them and have to use "small words". Incredible to me, considering I knew 6 - 10 words of English when I came to the US. Shocking, even.
As far as book recommendations, I really liked following:
- Crucial Conversations: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
and
- No one understands you and what to do about it: https://www.amazon.com/One-Understands-You-What-About/dp/1625274122
Cultures are always changing. It's important to understand how we can intentionally shape culture.
Seth Godin defines culture as, people like us, do things like this. And by extension people like us, do not do things like that.
And Brené Brown defines boundaries, similarly. What is okay and what is not okay.
I use those as a guide to define my personal cultural boundaries. My SO and I use them to define our shared cultural boundaries. What is and is not okay in our relationship. We can use a similar method to evaluate what the culture in the sub is and what we want it to be, so we can have accountability to each other. You can't hold people accountable if we haven't determined what it is we are holding them accountable to.
I have also defined some clear objective metrics to evaluate behaviors.
Brené Brown's The Anatomy of Trust lays out seven trust metrics with the BRAVING acronym and introduces the marble jar concept of building trust.
Francis Frei's Trust Triangle adds three more trust metrics.
Nussbaum's list on objectification/dehumanization
These are examples I can use to hold myself and others accountable to objective behaviors. We can point and name the offending behaviors without attacking anyone personally. Also, is the sub trustworthy? Do we demonstrate trustworthy behaviors? Is the sub defending against dehumanization? This is me putting my values onto the sub, but I would hope that those are two values we share as a group.
Speaking of values. Susan David says that living out values helps give us emotional agility. Some of my personal values at the moment:
I'm against: dehumization, exploitation, disconnection, abuse, neglect, power-over, competition, etc
I am for: openness, compassion, empathy, kindness, understand, connection, acceptance, understanding, appreciation, gratitude, power-with, collaboration, love, diversity, etc.
By filtering my actions through my values, it helps me be more emotionally agile.
I also practice the communication skills in:
Crucial Conversations tools for talking when stakes are high
Crucial Accountability tools for resolving violated expectations, broken commitments, and bad behavior. (This is still in my to-read pile.)
NonViolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This is an amazing compassionate communication framework based on observations vs evaluations, needs, feelings, and requests to have needs met.
That way I can use communication skills to help be communicate my boundaries around my values.
Armed with all this knowledge, it becomes a different question, I think. This sub is always going to be adding and losing members. That will change the culture in and of itself over time. What we allow becomes the standard.
I don't see why we can't allow the sub culture to become more authentic and representative of all levels of CPTSD, on purpose, intentionally. I can't think of twenty-five reasons why we can't post our stories and strategies for further development on here. It already sounds like people want to speak out, but they don't feel safe here to do so. Why is that? What about our current culture isn't inviting to our "more healed" members? I like to bring up alternative perspectives in order to gain clarity and improve the shared pool of meaning.
It's all worth pondering and discussing. Take a look over my links and comment and let me know if you would like further clarification on my thought process. Thanks. I appreciate the discussion.
For those looking for a "how"?
Define your cultural boundaries of what is okay and what is not okay, very clearly. Then we can use those objective measures to call out behaviors and hold each other accountable.
Here are some sources I use to help define what is okay and what is not okay.
objective measures of objectification and dehumanization.
Here are books I use to help me communicate what is okay and what is not okay:
Crucial Conversations tools for talking when stakes are high
Crucial Accountability tools for resolving violated expectations, broken commitments and bad behavior
NonViolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
Never Split the Difference negotiating as if your life depended on it by Chris Voss
What we allow becomes the standard. If each of us educated ourselves and calls out dehumanizing behaviors we can bend the culture together.
Check out the book Crucial Conversations. It is quite good and one that I consult with regularly. https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
Trauma, stress, toxic culture, broken trust, lack of basic respect and dignity for fellow human beings. When citizens do not have physical or psychological safety, we end up in survival mode. We need both to heal from trauma, be innovative, creative, and thrive. We can no longer ignore emotional abuse, emotional neglect, verbal abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse, physical neglect. We keep harming each other and then wonder why there are issues. Time to acknowledge the cycles of abuse in our families, communities, and institutions. To wake up from the FOG of denial, stop sugarcoating realty, and face the facts - we are traumatized and need to help each other out, build each other up, support each other. It’s not a competition. We all have to look at ourselves, search out our biases, listen to different perspectives, find our blind spots, deal with our baggage, and heal together. Look for mutually beneficial solutions to our issues. Learn to have Crucial Conversations with each other. We are wired for connection, we need to get back to basics.
Borrow this book at your library: https://www.amazon.ca/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
Wow, I honestly didn't expect that to be such touchy subject.
You may find some benefit from this book.
Regarding your response: My complaints as you put it, are in your mind. I have no significant attachment regarding the outcome of that reference. I used it as an example of a problem insofar as sustainability and waste are concerned.
Your comment regarding a victim complex i'll let pass with this reply: I said many consider that culture, of note is that I never included myself in that grouping and again what would be the point of a discussion if I was included. There wouldn't be any point.
This post has been centered around a singular problem. The level of tacit knowledge to perform basic tasks is too high in linux (in mine, and others opinion) and growing from that discussion has been an unfortunate focus on an attitude issue or culture if you will. "A projection", as you say, is simply an issue being all in your head (i.e. skewed perception), but others have recognized this very issue being a problem and thus this particular characterization is without merit.
I wouldn't call standing my ground, and calling out bad behavior as being sensitive, though I can see how some might see it that way. As for ego, I don't have much of that, which I think is a good thing as it allows flexibility in finding solutions others would miss. I do appreciate people staying on topic during a discussion though.
I am familiar with the book. Its a nice piece of philosophy but there are significant issues with its use as a communication tool.
Positive beliefs can have a profound impact on people which is generally considered good, but assuming others will use that same belief to interpret communication is a poor assumption. Its only valid so long as everyone holds that belief, not everyone does, and some say they do when they don't.
A better approach is being specific, and respectful. It goes without saying that going off on tangent when one feels their beliefs are threatened is bad behavior.
Also, I feel I have to correct a notion you put forth about the tree branch in your post. Ambiguous communication isn't one meaning, or the other, its both and then its left up to the person receiving the communication to decide which meaning is correct based on context and what they know of the person.
When one assumes only a single meaning applies, when there is another that is equally valid, it is flawed logic and any subsequent response based upon such a premise is incorrect and not valid.
Additionally, while we are on the subject of flawed logic, fallacy arguments really have no place in intelligent discussion.
You seem intelligent, and so I'm assuming your aware of its uses in manipulating the direction of a conversation. It comes at great risk for one very important fact that is often overlooked.
That fact is that people don't like being manipulated, and it is not uncommon for there to be extreme negative sentiment towards the source once people realize its happened.
A perfect example would be, "how many people do you know like Michael Moore films?"
Best guess not many, his movies quickly lose their allure as one picks up on the subtle tactics used in the films to manipulate the viewer towards that viewpoint.
All that aside, if you have something to discuss that is germane to the topic at hand, please feel free.
Ahhhh. I see. That's helpful.
When it comes to leadership (and training leaders) Toyota sets the bar. But they've also built a complete system and culture around it. This is something I try to do at every place I've been, people are our most important resource. As Scrum Masters we should be doing everything possible to instill this into the industry. we should take the time to invest in our people to ensure we have strong leaders at all levels of the organization. A culture that actively encourages and reinforces skill growth is more likely to attract and retain top talent.
To get you started, I'd recommend reading Crucial Conversations. Leadership requires you to have a good understanding of both people and process. understanding people is slightly more important, as process understanding can be delegated to/shared with the team. It's generally much easier to learn process than people skills. Still, as a Scrum Master you should consider yourself part process engineer.
Anyway, the focus of the book is to help you understand and dig into the 'why' when it comes to conflict. It also gives you some techniques to try.
To help you accelerate your learning, you should consider the differences between managing a team, leading a team, and coaching a team. After that you should begin to understand the different ways people learn. This will not only help your own learning, but allow you to more easily teach/coach a team.
A few techniques that might help you out:
provide answers in the form of a question instead of a statement. Don't provide solutions, instead consider how to 'incept' the idea into the team. By figuring it out themselves it reinforces their learning and progress. When they are struggling, you should explain the concept but allow them to put it into practice. Everything should be driven by the team, you're just a catalyst that makes it easier.
Scrum helps you out a lot in this regard, as many of the by-the-book processes break things in specific ways(It's probably more correct to say there are common problems in the industry that we see at most organizations, they generally break the same way). As you become more experienced you can make recommendations that will highlight specific problem areas in the next sprint. This will prime the next retrospective towards a specific topic/area. This becomes easier as you get a better understanding of process and workflow.
One of the items in your job description is to remove impediments. Keep in mind that this includes morale. a team (member) with low morale will be less engaged, and that means lower productivity.
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
Crucial conversations
Any review i give isnt as good as the reviews. Check it out
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/1469266822
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. When my marriage was on the skids due to the church (there was a little bit of sexual frustration in the mix as well) I was so depressed and anxious. It sucks balls. I didn't think I could have a worse two years than my mission. But we made it through and we're doing better than ever.
My mantra: I will become a great communicator.
I will work on communicating my needs and understanding my wife's needs. If this leads to divorce, that will be for the best because we are not able to fulfill each other's needs. If we stay together, it will be for the best because we are both fulfilling each other's needs. Divorce vs staying together will be the result of good communication.
This is my favorite intro to assertive communication and I'd also suggest picking up a copy of Crucial Conversations.
You can get through this and get to a more healthy relationship that includes sexual fulfillment. Internet strangers are rooting for you!
Sounds like you're looking for advice on how to have a crucial conversation with your Daddy. A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong. I haven't been in a situation like yours though I know having crucial conversations can be quite challenging. There are books written on this subject, including Crucial Conversations and Crucial Accountability. I highly recommend reading them. Since a lot of people don't have time to read a book here's the one page summary of the first book with all the key points:
http://www.wikisummaries.org/Crucial_Conversations:_Tools_for_Talking_When_Stakes_are_High
There are also youtube videos to learn more about crucial conversations: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuJgqTs-G44
The first step to having a crucial conversation is preparing for it, and that includes figuring out what you really want. In this case since he seems to get mad when you try to talk to him about almost anything, what you really want may be to improve communication with your Daddy, so that will be the topic.
After you have decided on a topic for your crucial conversation, the next step will be to plan how you will try to build safety, since safety is necessary in order to have a dialogue. To build safety you'll need to demonstrate mutual purpose and respect. For mutual purpose, you could mention how you know he wants to spend time with you, and mention how you feel lonely, and that by working together to improve communication and having more notice and you will be able to spend more time together. For respect, you could mention the qualities you respect in him.
Other general advice:
Stick to the facts. Rather than saying "Whenever I try to talk to you, you always get mad at me." you could say "When I tried to have a discussion with you on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, you raised your voice and locked yourself in the bedroom."
Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Rather than saying "You are confusing." you could say "I am confused".
If he gets angry, empathize and reflect the content of his message, but not his emotion. When he says "I hate that we never spend time together anymore! This fucking sucks!!" say (in a calm understanding voice) "I see you're really upset and wish we spent more time together." and in this case you could also add "I feel lonely and would like to improve our communication so we can spend more time together too."
> Maybe she should get what she wants? Maybe I should let her go?
You're fantasizing because you feel trapped. I was there a few years ago with my TBM wife. I had a lot of the same concerns (so conservative, doesn't care about proving her wrong ideas wrong, etc). Things were shit for a couple of years because we both sucked at communication. We had a lot of common interests and we genuinely liked each other, but these "big issues" seemed like they were going to force us to go our separate ways.
It sounds like you feel trapped and you want to live authentically. That's great and healthy. I'd suggest to ease into that if you have been keeping your mouth shut to keep the peace for most of your marriage. (I tend to be a very passive person. This tends to lead to emotional blowups after holding things in for so long.) Get a professional therapist to help you through this transition.
Communicate. Start practicing now. I'd suggest Crucial Conversationsas a good starting point. Another great resource from an exmormon is Assertive Communication. This is going to be really hard at first and might lead to some intense conversations. That's okay. Your goal should be understanding of your wife, and your wife understanding you. Get a professional therapist to help you and your wife practice these skills (couples therapy).
No matter what happens, it will be for the best. This little thought is what got me through those tough years of my marriage, to the great place I am today. Practice living authentically, develop effective communication skills and if your wife accepts you on this journey, you two will be much happier together. If she doesn't accept you, you two will be much happier apart. But don't make the decision to bail from the relationship before you have given it your best shot to make it work. Otherwise, you will bring your baggage with you to the next relationship.
This is my advice after dropping the exmo bomb on my wife 4 years ago (wouldn't advise that--take her on the journey with you). Today we're doing great and she's on her way out. Good luck. You'll make it through this!
I highly recommend the books Crucial Conversations and Crucial Accountability.
I've always had a really hard time holding people accountable and communicating in an effective way. Both of these books have amazing step by step strategies for handling all sorts of crucial moments. They address the exact issues you are struggling with.
I've had an issue about lying in general, and the Bible throws lots of gray area into it. Rahab the prostitute in Jericho lied, for example, yet she was considered righteous in Hebrews. Abraham was a bit of a scoundrel with the lying as well, yet he's counted as righteous. Same goes for David pretending to be insane.
I've had to contend the reality that this world is utterly deceptive, so the motivation why people lie determines its morality. German citizens who lied to hide Jews during the Holocaust genocide, for example, literally saved lives.
You'll know whether your dad is in the right or not based on why he's lying. I think only those close to him (you included) can even remotely guess the answer to that, and only the Lord knows for sure. However, you can judge him by his character: is he normally honest.
Also, if he's a believer, it can't hurt to ask him about it. If he gets defensive and harsh, it's likely he's doing it for self-profit. If you're worried about the confrontation, I recommend reading a book like Crucial Conversations to understand how to approach this as well as you can. Definitely confiding with 2-3 people who know the situation to have a support group. "In much counsel there is victory."
Popular alternatives to Crucial Conversations: Tool...
