Try this book as well, which was also written in the early to mid 2010’s but still very relevant. I have read the Velvet Rage which led me toward this book called Cruise Control, well worth investigating https://www.amazon.com/Cruise-Control-Understanding-Sex-Addiction/dp/0985063300
When you feel its too much and effecting your quality of life, relationships, job, friends, family There is a great book on this subject. One major tenant is someone with SA is not able to have intimacy, they live for the quick thrill, ... plan, desire, want that thrill. SA / excessive porn can also be related to depression, it's giving your brain happy boosts. I suggest seeing a counselor colleges have low cost / free therapy or there is a App called talkspace with a personal therapist by call/text/video.
Cruise Control
""Direct Quotes"" CRUISE CONTROL UNDERSTANDING SEX ADDICTION (I suggest everyone read this book):
...people who are addicted to sex, gambling, and compulsive spending are just as addicted to drugs as their sub stance-abusing counterparts. By engaging in certain behaviors, they have found a way to manipulate the chemical production system in their own bodies to get high without having to rely on an external catalyst like alcohol, nicotine, or heroin— though some sex addicts may use those substances as well. The physiological and emotional responses to their addicting behaviors are identical to the drug addict’s relationship to his substance of choice.
SIGNS OF PSYCHOBIOLOGICAL AROUSAL (CREATED THROUGH FANTASY AND CRUISING) • Rapid heartbeat • Dilated pupils • Fast, shallow breathing • Sweaty palms • Psychological intensity or vigilance • Narrowing of emotions and/or intense focus on one emotion or experience • Intellectual detachment from important people, values, and events
...men who obsessively cruise gyms and bathhouses, men who cruise the Internet induce this temporary, trance like hyper-arousal state and sustain it through visual and emotional fantasy. And just like their more “extroverted” counterparts, many Internet sex addicts experience either a letdown once they reach orgasm and their body returns to its normal state or they need to start their searching all over again
...addicts are often not in touch with what they are feeling and therefore tend to be more emotionally reactive. When they’re stressed or upset, addicts will impulsively turn to their addictions to distract themselves from difficult feelings with which they have no other means to deal. This pattern of utilizing substances or impulsive/compulsive behaviors or combinations of both to manage difficult feelings and events— rather than cultivating healthy habits of self- nurturing or asking for the support of caring others— is what addiction is all about. Sex addicts use the intense familiar feelings provoked by sexual fantasy and sexual behavior to feel in control of deeper emotions, to feel powerful (when they feel vulnerable), and to feel desirable (when they’re feeling needful). This pattern is the addict’s default mode when he is stressed-out, angry, or simply when he wants to reward himself.
Sex addicts use the intense familiar feelings provoked by sexual fantasy and sexual behavior to feel in control of deeper emotions, to feel powerful (when they feel vulnerable), and to feel desirable (when they’re feeling needful). This pattern is the addict’s default mode when he is stressed-out, angry, or simply when he wants to reward himself
...he becomes emotionally aroused by the idea of the sex; This arousal makes him increasingly less aware of the emotional stresses that triggered the fantasy, as he devotes his full attention to planning his sexual experience sex addict experiences a sense of satisfaction through the release of much of the tension that had been building in his body and psyche. He may also feel emotionally numb, shameful, or anxious about the consequences of his actions. He may even have a desire to start the whole process over again immediately If a couple wants to remain together, any scenario other than monogamy is not recommended, given the problems that casual sexual activity outside the relationship can present for sex addicts When a sex addict in a partnership chooses to recover, this indeterminacy or “openness” must end
...you don’t just show up at your fuck buddy’s house, have hot sex, then go home. Recovering sex addicts who are working toward stability seek more emotional connection with those whom they choose to relate to through sex. A recovering sex addict might invite his former fuck buddy to go out and catch a movie (nonporn) before they have sex— or they might share a meal and/or spend the night together following sex. Neither of them may be interested in their becoming lovers or even dating, but the emphasis of their time together shifts from an exclusive focus on sex to a focus on relating, which may include sex
Red Lights: These are characteristics or qualities that are unacceptable to me in anyone I might date. I would stop seeing him if he is: 1. An unrecovered drug addict or alcoholic 2. Still in a primary romantic relationship with someone else 3. Still living with an ex after they have broken up 4. An active sex addict 5. Someone who lies to me 6. Doesn’t return my phone calls or e-mail 7. Unemployed with no other means of income 8. Closeted
Yellow Lights: These characteristics or qualities might present a problem when I observe them in someone I am dating. I’ll be cautious if he: 1. Talks about himself a lot more than he listens 2. Just ended a long-term relationship very recently 3. Only seems to call me when he needs something 4. Doesn’t make me feel safe or appreciated when we’re together 5. Makes me handle all the plans and contacts for socializing 6. Doesn’t offer to pay for meals or dates 7. Doesn’t seem to want me to meet any of his friends or coworkers 8. Doesn’t want to plan ahead and often reschedules or cancels plans we’ve made
Green Lights: These are characteristics or qualities in a potential romantic partner that I really like and find attractive I would be encouraged to continue dating if he: 1. Tries to find out what is going on with me and how I am doing 2. Offers to help me out with things I am doing 3. Surprises me with fun or playful experiences 4. Has interesting hobbies and displays his own sense of creativity 5. Shares interests with me 6. Returns calls on time and shows up for things we’ve planned to do
Nonphysical Romantic Intimacy Building Blocks • Love letters • Special names for each other • Gifts— both small and large • Flowers • Making dates to spend time together • Taking time to listen • Taking time to do things he likes more than you do without looking for compliments • Doing favors for your partner • Taking over a task he hates (dishes, laundry) without looking for compliments • Looking into his eyes • Telling him what you value about him—giving compliments • Going dancing together • Walking in nature together • Planning special evenings, weekends alone or with friends • Coming home early Physical Romantic Intimacy Building Blocks • Bathing each other • Massaging his back • Combing his hair • Rubbing his feet • Holding hands • Kissing • Cuddling Sexual Intimacy Building Blocks • Talking during sex— letting your partner know more about what you like. • Keeping the lights on— looking into his eyes as you pleasure him. • Allowing laughter— sex doesn’t have to be so serious! • Staying present— being willing to stop if you get distracted. • Being spontaneous— trying new positions and being playful with each other. • Learning more about male sexuality through reading or workshops
If you are interested in reading about sex addiction in the gay community I highly recommend this book. It explains a lot of the "why" gay men feel like they need validation and how being promiscuous attempts to fill many voids. It was an eye-opening book for me and helped me understand my "enemies", my own demons, and made me feel like the issue is something that almost all gay men are going through. I think the real question here isn't about Grindr...it's about promiscuity and self esteem, both of which Grindr isn't really healthy for.
https://www.amazon.com/Cruise-Control-Understanding-Sex-Addiction/dp/0985063300