I take issue with “my feelings shouldn’t be hurt.” Your feelings are your feelings. They are what they are, and you have no need to be shamed about them. Feelings are just data— immediate responses to situations. Feelings, by themselves, aren’t inherently BAD or GOOD, or destructive or benign. Feelings are just data you use to make decisions, and to inform your actions. It’s the ACTIONS that can be good, bad, destructive or benign.

For whatever reason, you were uncomfortable. This is real, and it is worth thinking through and seeking counsel to figure out if you need to take action. The purpose these feelings serve in this situation are just what you are doing— listening to them, trying to figure out where they come from. Doing some self examination. Seeking the perspective of others. Do they come mostly from buttons that were installed in YOU and therefore they are your issue? Is this a healthy boundary that has been crossed and therefore something you need to address?

What I am suggesting here is that you not focus on the FEELINGS— “Am I too sensitive?”— and focus on whether action is required, and what that might be. It’s a subtle distinction, but an important one. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. Period. Do they require action? Maybe, maybe not. The action may be to confront MIL. The action may be to do nothing, file it away, and make some comment next time it happens. The action may be to seek more therapy for yourself, because you have determined you want to uninstall this button you found. The action may be to take up meditation so you feel less anxious. Whatever. But your feelings are your feelings and aren’t bad nor good.

As for this specific example, my offering of advice for you is that you should let this go. File it away. It may have nothing to do with you—it may be her anxiety manifesting itself and has NOTHING to do with you at all. She may be anxious that her son’s housekeeping skills (or lack thereof) reflect poorly on her parenting. She may feel emptiness because she is the captain of a boat with no passengers anymore and she doesn’t know what to do with herself. Someone may have told her one time that dirty garage doors are a sure sign of someone who was raised in a barn and she felt parenting shame every time she saw that door. Who knows?

That said, it can be annoying to have someone pointing out things you “should” and “shouldn’t” do, and if her anxiety or emptiness or whatever-drives-her makes her unable to contain herself and not blurt out these things, then she may need a gentle reminder that she is overstepping her bounds. Perhaps a kind approach (since she sounds like a kind person) is in order. “Hey, MIL, I would appreciate it if you would stop commenting on our housekeeping/cleaning/garage door/ring around the toilet/weeds in the yard. I would prefer to keep our visits pleasant and enjoy them rather than dread them and always anticipate getting criticism for the way we choose to keep our house. I’m sure you’d rather I look forward to your visits!” If she does it again, tell her again, or just walk away. Keep some go-to phrases in your head for unsolicited advice— “I will put that on the list of things other people think we should do!” Or “Thanks for your opinion; I’ll certainly consider it” and change the subject.

Whatever you decide to DO about what you feel, do not apologize nor question what you feel. Your feelings are just as valid as anyone else, and let no one shame you for them.

I recommend this book, or any book or youtube by Brene Brown, actually. She is a researcher on shame and how destructive it is, and how powerful vulnerability is. Shame is a tool unhealthy people use to control you, and once you can see that and break free from shame, they lose the ability to manipulate you.

Here’s one of my favorite books by her: https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms-ebook/dp/B007P7HRS4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1523289457&sr=8-1&keywords=daring+greatly

Here’s one of her TED talks— well worth a 20 minute time investment. https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0

(Actually, paging /u/swiggybloodlust — I believe that this book is sidebar booklist worthy)

I happened to see that Daring Greatly is $3 on Kindle today if folks are interested: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B007P7HRS4/.

Not super sure if this will help, but my WS seems to be making progress dealing with spirals with IC teaching him self-soothing stuff (meditation, derp breathing, coming to me for reassurance, etc) plus the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. My WS has got a lot stewing around in his head so I can't tell you what it is in that book or what other things regarding shame hes thinking of.. but there is a section in there for "shame resilience."

She's got a lot of you tube videos and books that i don't know much about. But my WS said this Ted Talk: https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o was a good preview of the beginning part of the book he's reading. So you guys can check it out and see if theres stuff in there that seem like a good match for what can help.

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead https://www.amazon.com/dp/B007P7HRS4/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_HY1WCR3KXNTBSPCHTR10

You have no idea the kind of frustration I am feeling toward this situation, and I don't even know you. Just because your family has been one way, doesn't mean that you can't take baby steps to being a different way. You're young, so you should start doing this stuff now.

Here are some links that might help you...

<strong>https://www.blinkist.com/magazine/posts/love-language-speak-gifts</strong> (This one shows you how to be receptive to people that have the love language of gift giving)

Here's some other links:

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms-ebook/dp/B007P7HRS4/ref=sr_1_7?dchild=1&amp;keywords=receptive+to+gifts&amp;qid=1634695597&amp;sr=8-7

https://standinbalance.com/receptivity/

https://www.discprofiles.com/blog/2020/08/how-to-be-more-receptive/#.YW96kxrMKUk

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Daring Greatly

Sorry for the delay!

Here is the link for that Harvad Course, which is focused on the philisophy of justice and quite professionally done. And the lecture series for Human Behavioral Psychology is here.

Brene Brown's first TED talk is here, and the second is here. She's got a few books, but I have only finished this one so far, but all of her books are very accessible reads.

For something a bit more challenging, two books that I'm just starting and keep hearing is are essential reads in self-reflection are Man's Search for Meaning, and On Becoming A Person, both of which have a psychology slant so might not be quite what you want yet.

Hope that's helpful! :)