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Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You?
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Relevant book: Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. She coined the term "FOG", Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, the tools of the emotional blackmailer.
Very many people use emotional blackmail to abuse the people in their lives. It's very normalized across the globe. It's sickening.
It’s called Emotional Blackmail. Time to jump off that merry go round and put you first. My therapist recommended this book.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/
You are not responsible for the actions of another human being. You can only control yourself. He is using and abusing you and it needs to stop.
NTA
Password protect all vendors for your wedding so she can’t change things. She has vendors call you, just say NO. Then do yourself a favor and read a book my therapist recommended.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/
You weren’t being cruel, your fed up and frustrated! She doesn’t get to make your wedding hers and all about her.
NTA
You realize she basically wants to replace or substitute the entire meal. I guarantee if she was invited to her father’s supervisors house she wouldn’t be pulling this. She’s trying to emotionally blackmail you into insulting your own family and starting a fight using the “if you cared” you would do it. Think about all the times she’s said something like that and take a hard look at this relationship.
Do yourself a favor, read this over the holidays.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/
What your seeing in some of the comments is what your seeing with your friends. You sound very level headed and you have to be tough if your working toward your nursing degree. (I lived with my sister when she was getting hers.) The new thing is age gap equals inequality. It doesn’t have to but a lot of people think that it does. I know a couple that has been married 30 years and have a 10 year age gap. At the beginning of their marriage she decided she wanted college so he decided it should be a goal for them as a couple to make it happen. Their entire marriage has been a partnership and they are still very much in love. I know many others like them.
A relationship is what you make it. Have healthy boundaries, a good sense of self worth and your own goals and dreams. As for your friends, you need healthy boundaries there too. Make it clear to them that you are still an independent person with your own goals involved in a healthy relationship. The fact that the only thing they can see wrong is an 8 year age difference says a lot. They’re saying they don’t respect you enough to make healthy choices in your own life for yourself. They are actually belittling you and your judgment without having any evidence of a real problem. They are now choosing to use emotional blackmail to try and make you end your relationship. The ones being toxic and controlling are your friends. Please point that out to them.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/
You may want to read that. Good luck
NTA
They are ridiculous.
You’ve saved them at least $100,000 over the past 4 years and now they want you to pay them!
Please go back and read that statement. They’re using the fact that you can’t have children to blackmail you emotionally and financially. Your just too close to see it. This really isn’t fair to your husband either. I can’t imagine being him and watching the woman I love suffer with a sudden loss and grief only to have her family’s entitlement rip her to pieces.
It’s time they started being financially responsible for their own children, including child care. They have to grow up and be full time parents. It’s past time. My therapist recommended a book you would benefit from.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/
You also might want to get a book on boundaries and consider therapy. I am so sorry for your loss. Your allowed time to grieve and heal at your own pace. That means your brother has to grow up and handle his own life and family without dumping it all on you.
NTA
When it’s all said and done he didn’t just leave you, he left his twins. He chose his two grown daughters over the babies he helped bring into this world. It doesn’t matter if they had his health insurance, they didn’t have him. Their father left them for their mother to take care of all alone because they weren’t his priority either!
Even if you could forget and forgive his leaving you, which I do NOT recommend. This man left his 1 year old twins to give in to the demands of his 2 grown daughters. He abandoned his babies. There is no way to trust him ever again. Those Kelly and Amy are master manipulators and will try anything to get you to give in now that their mother is gone. Frankly they wouldn’t give a damn if you died tomorrow but they want the twins. You know it’s true. Build yourself a good support system that in no way involves Dan and his family. Get a good therapist to help you with all this. My therapist recommended a book I think you would benefit from.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/
I wish you well. You’ve been through hell and you and your children deserve better.
NTA
You and your husband need to do some reading over the weekend.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/
You are pregnant with twins and your not having an easy pregnancy. Your responsibility is to keep you and the babies as healthy and as stress free as possible. That should also be your husband’s goal.
You are not responsible for anything but the lives your carrying.
A and B are responsible for their marriage, children and dogs. If their marriage fails it’s because they failed! It has nothing to do with you. She needs a break from him, the kids and the dogs then she can go get a hotel room for a weekend. It’s not your problem. Let them call their parents. Not you! Right now they are emotional leeches and with your pregnancy you can’t take it.
NTA
My therapist recommended a book and I’ve already recommended it 3 times today. What she’s doing is called Emotional Blackmail and manipulation. You can’t keep letting her do this to control you or your life will be miserable.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/
NTA
She’s only going to you because your an easy target. It’s called Emotional Blackmail and it’s ridiculous. She won’t go after the others because she knows better and knows they would likely report her and she would be reprimanded or fired. This is so unethical it’s not funny. If you give in this time it will never step and only keep escalating.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/
My therapist recommended that book and I suggest you read it and a book on Boundaries. If you start off your career letting someone walk all over you it will never end. Don’t start down that path. Pick up the computer and take it home. If you think she will give you an issue getting to your car ask someone to carry it for you or come with you. She most likely won’t pull this in front of others.
NTA
My therapist recommended this to me and I’m returning the favor. This is not you, don’t let her try her games.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/
That book will help, gift it to yourself.
What is he doing to your self-esteem. You must be exhausted with all this and a child. Try a little reading.
What do you mean no money and no house? The first consult with the lawyer is usually free. You have the kids and a 1 year old. He leaves. Get the lawyer consult and see where you are. (Tell no one about seeing the lawyer, no one!) Start seeing a therapist, dealing with those two you need it. After the lawyer when your feeling a bit better you give him an ultimatum. He grows up and is a husband you deserve or get out.
My therapist recommended this book
I had friends that they started dating when she was 16 and he was 18. They got married 3 days after her 18th birthday. They were together until she was killed a month before her 50th birthday. They had 2 daughters and went through their share of ups and downs. He traveled for work a lot. Sometimes she would see him for a weekend or 2 a month to do his laundry. She never cheated. He was the only boy she ever dated. The only man she was ever with. No one needs to see what else is out there because they were only with one person. It’s an excuse for her bad behavior.
Your friends should have given her a week to tell you then told you themselves. You can’t trust them, you can’t trust her, for some people there is no getting over this. Cheating is bad enough, lying about it for a year and a half. That pretty much kills everything. Honestly I think it’s time to just see a lawyer. Call it a day and walk away before she winds up pregnant. Then you have to do DNA tests.
As for dealing with the just get over it and it’s not that bad and I love you so much. I highly recommend a book my therapist told me to get. Good luck.
No, this is absolutely not you. You are not responsible for the actions of another human being.
If she calls you again saying she self harmed, hang up and call 911 and tell them exactly what she said she did to herself and give them her location. If she’s actually doing these things she needs to be Baker Act’d for her own well-being.
You did not create this, you are not forcing it to continue and you can NOT stop this. Even if you returned to her it not only wouldn’t stop but she would escalate any time you said no or she wanted to force you to do something.
Read that book. What she is doing is called Emotional Blackmail. My therapist recommended it. Don’t give in or this will get much worse.
Remember she calls she’s hurting herself. Call 911 and report it.
What are you nuts?!
Dating one month? Spend a week watching reruns of Judge Judy. You will see women like you suing guys like him for the money they “loaned” them almost every day. Do not be those women. With everyone screaming at them “What were you thinking?” And “How could you be so stupid?”. To use the you don’t really love him line after a month is outrageous.
Forget this idiot. Get a good book on Boundaries and read Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward and find a half way decent guy.
Get an attorney. You are not responsible for her mental health and well-being. Her threats are manipulation. My therapist recommended a book and you need it. Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. You need to get out, file for divorce and look for a better job out of that town! Get away from her and her family and have a better life.
Edit for link to the book.
Please read this book: "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward because it will help you; it breaks down the tactics and common phrases that people use to get what they want from others (e.g. manipulate us into giving them what they demand); the traits that make a person susceptible to this treatment; and most importantly, EXCELLENT strategies for countering these tactics when they come up. I used it myself and was surprised how much better I became at self-advocating after I read it.
I agree with all of the advice on here about making a new account and transferring funds over. It is unacceptable for them to be dangling this over your head, and it feels bad because your gut is telling you something's not right, cuz it isn't. I'm not saying anything against your parents but that treatment is NOT normal (though it is insanely common) and you should not tolerate it. If you do, in my experience, it continues. I was shocked when I tried some of the strategies outlined in the book, my dad actually started to treat me with more respect. Not after pushing back initially, but it was almost like he was waiting for me to take a stand. I don't know if your parents will do this, but even if my dad hadn't done this, I still would have been free. My dad's respect was kind of incidental at that point, cuz he shouldn't have treated me like that in the first place.
I was also curious and just immediately assumed this was a list of Go related books but this is definitely more diverse!
Fairly certain this is the first one. Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You - Dr. Susan Forward
All I could find for certain.... but that was just from searching on my phone/without mixing up the search engine or language settings on google/safari. I get the impression the second title is similar, maybe, the third is some biography/autobiography, and the title of the last one translates to ‘Demon Hand’ which could be a rad Go book but probably ain’t lol
You are very welcome. Fun? Fact - Susan Forward coined the term FOG (fear, obligation, & guilt^shame ) to describe the tools of the emotion blackmailer. I probably need to re-read her book in the topic, it's been a minute.
You are very welcome! Emotional neglect and Emotional Blackmailcan be difficult to point out. I found that it helps me to have ways to attack the behaviors and not the person. But first I have to define the behaviors.
Oh! Emotional Blackmail is the name of a book by Susan Forward. One of the first I read when I woke up to my trauma. I think she may have coined the term along with FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). It's a bit older, but still very apt.
Check out the book Emotional Blackmail. Don't take her shit and be firm in setting boundaries. She can't make you feel guilty unless you allow yourself to fall into her twisty manipulation. Speaking from experience. Good luck!
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
>A practical guide to better communication that will break the blackmail cycle for good, by one of the nation's leading therapists, Susan Forward. > >"If you really loved me..." > >"After all I've done for you..." > >"How can you be so selfish..." > >Do any of the above sound familiar? They're all examples of emotional blackmail, a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They are our mothers, our partners, our bosses and coworkers, our friends and our lovers. And no matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to give themselves the payoff they want: our compliance. > >Susan Forward knows what pushes our hot buttons. Just as John Gray illuminates the communications gap between the sexes in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and Harriet Lerner describes an intricate dynamic in The Dance of Anger, so Susan Forward presents the anatomy of a relationship damaged by manipulation, and gives readers an arsenal of tools to fight back.
This book may be helpful to you. I wish you well, and I'm sorry for your loss.
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060928972/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_nPxszb4CMGSPZ
This is a terrible situation which good fortune has kept me from having to personally endure... That being said, eggshell walking time is for when you are a voluntary Easter Sunday house guest. Your house, your wife's hospital room, or wherever you and your wife gather is your domain as a couple. If your domain as a couple has not had any rules up until now, I would suggest the time has come to lay down some law. Because it seems to me that the wrong people are walking on the eggshells in this tragic of instance.
What kept you from losing your patience the moment your wife became genuinely distressed by emotional terrorism and torture? I doubt you would stand by and allow your wife to be physically tortured right in front of you, why would emotional torture be treated any differently?
Be calm, collective, thoughtful, loving, and decisive as possible less the time comes you can no longer be any of those things. Arm yourself with knowledge if you haven't already: http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1452358501&sr=8-1&keywords=Emotional+blackmail
Should you and your wife draw lines in the sand together, know that it is a natural thing for a man to draw his own a little further out and a little longer.
Read this book: http://www.amazon.ca/Emotional-Blackmail-Susan-Forward/dp/0060928972
And it's completely OK to want to leave a relationship when your partners gender changes! sexual relationships are built (usually, at least a little) on gender and attraction. You can't change the foundation and expect things to stay the same.
Check out the book <em>Emotional Blackmail</em> by Susan Forward. Divorce is a big decision and it certainly may be necessary, but I know that if I were in your shoes, I would want to understand everything about the situation I am in and the options I have in dealing with it before moving forward. I highly recommend this book to help with both. I bought it for myself recently after browsing the highly rated books around that topic on Amazon, and have nearly finished reading it. In my case, I am trying to understand and deal with having grown up with overly controlling parents and all of the consequences of that. But from having read most of the book, the situation you are describing seems to be a clean fit for emotional blackmail, in terms of your husband using his close emotional ties to you as leverage to get you to do (or prevent you from doing) things that he (you) wants.
He has been trained and manipulated since childhood to always give in to her, that her wants and feelings are more important than anyone else's including his own. That she is always right.
That he was willing to move away is a hopeful sign, and that he ignores half of what she says. But he is still in the FOG and his normal meter is off.
If you have not checked out the book list, it has many resources that could help. You may want to read 'Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You '
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward,
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060928972/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_FTG-Fb5EQVTAA
This is such good advice! Forgiving myself has been hard, and soooooo healing. Here's some of what I've learned about guilt and shame.
Guilt is "I did something bad."
Shame is "I am bad."
Guilt can absolutely be a positive thing, if we acknowledge our poor behavior, forgive ourselves, and change moving forward. (Not when it's used for emotional blackmail to manipulate and control.)
Shame does not have many positive outcomes. And all of our "I am" statements program our brains for potential shame. Shame are those messages of: "Never _ blank _ enough." (fill in the blank) and "Who do you think you are?" Shame diminishes joy/excitement. Our abusers love to use shame on us, bc of course they want to diminish our joy and excitement.
(See Shame & Pride by Nathanson for more on affect theory and all of Brené Brown's work for more on shame)
We are being dehumanized. Emotional neglect and Emotional Blackmail are rampant and normalized. And these behaviorist-styles if discipline used to "squash the behavior" cause the same brain injury as physical beatings bc we are inherently a social species.
Her threatening suicide is straight up Emotional Blackmail.
That manipulation is not okay. I'm sorry you're going through this. Do what allows you to authentically live your values.
Acknowledging our conditioning is totally awesome. When we break out of the FOG of denial we become more empowered to set cultural boundaries for what's okay and what not okay.
I acknowledge that I'm capable of horrendous behaviors so that I can hold myself accountable to my values and not perpetuate toxic behaviors. Control what we can control.
Yeah, my dysfunctional family of origin used Emotional Blackmail as a means of control and power-over me as well.
Emotional Blackmail is using Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to emotionally manipulate, emotionally abuse, and emotionally neglect other humans.
When we are denied our very human needs and feelings it opens the door wide for the slippery slope of dehumization.
Fight back against dehumanizing and untrustworthy ^( 2 ) behaviors in our midst.
I liked this video, thanks for sharing. I also found this book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward helpful
Do yourself a favor and read this book.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/
My therapist recommended a book Emotional Blackmail. Before you even think about getting back with her read it.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/
Your wife sounds just like my mother.
As a tween and teen, I would often forget to clean the kitty litter or empty the dishwasher and that would typically result in a 2 - 4 hour "fight" where she berated me, exaggerated things wildly, outright lied, twisted anything I managed to say as proof of my disobedient intentions, brought up every perceived fault she thought I ever had (including as a toddler), mocked my responses, used details of private conversations against me, quoted the Bible out of context, screamed at me for being disrespectful no matter how calm or quiet I tried to be, used the phrase "kicking me in the teeth" as many times as she could to signify how ungrateful she thought I was, hit me across the face and other places on my body randomly, and much more. I would be crying and then sobbing through most of it. After this 2 - 4 hour "fight" (where I rarely got a chance to say much), I would be so broken I would have agreed to swear allegiance to Hitler if only she would stop. I would be required to grovel an apology to her satisfaction before she would hug me and tell me that she hated our fights but that I just needed to learn to do my chores and not be so disrespectful. She genuinely believed that I was not completing them on purpose just to spite her and told me this at almost every opportunity. She never accepted the simple truth that I just forgot (I had undiagnosed and obviously untreated ADHD but that's a whole other area I could go on and on about her abuse).
Anyway, MichaelHammor... My mother has something called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I only found this out recently, like last week recently. Maybe look that up and see if you can find similarities to her? I rarely did anything to provoke my mother's anger and I certainly didn't yell at her, ever.... So stating that no one gets angry in a vacuum is dead wrong, unless you mean the old adage that hurt people hurt people? I believe my grandparents abuse caused my mother's BPD, and I'm guessing they were abused too so who knows how far back it goes?
You sound like you are hurting and that your wife may be verbally and emotionally abusing you. I have some experience with that because my husband continued the abuse cycle started by my mother and verbally/emotionally abused me for 5 years until I was ready to leave. BPD may be the furthest thing from what's going wrong between you and your wife, but either way, it sounds like a toxic environment that needs to change.
Here are some resources that could help you figure out whether your wife is being abusive and to perhaps establish better boundaries with anyone in your life. These 3 books saved my marriage because my husband was willing to go to therapy and behave differently in response to his emotions. Unfortunately, a lot of people won't recognize that the is a problem and there's nothing you can do to change them, but you can control your own response even if they won't.
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0060928972/ref=cm_sw_r_u_apa_glt_fabc_S3BG6HQT92F5Q303398R?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0553381423/ref=cm_sw_r_u_apa_glt_fabc_70HM1ZSH0NEHJW201EB4
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_u_apa_glt_fabc_4EQ56CDCNQ0MKFWGMMQ6
But accusing the OP of leaving stuff out...dude, you come off really rude saying that. Obviously you're right, it is at least possible the OP is lying by omission, but this is supposed to be a safe place to talk about ADHD, not doubt and ridicule each other like people without ADHD so often do. Please consider these resources and be a little more gentle next time. We pretty much all have trauma here. Good luck!
wow that is bizarre! here’s the book on amazon definitely no harlequin novel type action in this particular book lol.
you got this!
I am so glad that I grew up before shit like that was available. I'm so sorry. She is insane. No sense of healthy boundaries at all with a huge does of emotional blackmail. I'm proud so you for standing up for yourself!!
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or complex trauma or developmental trauma, all names for the same inescapable, prolonged torture isn't recognized as it should be.
50+ Characteristics of Complex Trauma helped me see how my trauma imparted so many parts of my life.
They now know that behaviorist-styles of discipline cause the same brain injury as physical beatings.
Trauma isn't recognized as it should be. We are in the dark ages of trauma care historically. Culture perpetuates dehumization, exploitation, abuse, neglect, cruelty, and toxic behaviors. Emotional neglect and emotional blackmail are rampant and normalized in schools, workplaces, families, and cultures across the globe.
We are fighting an uphill battle. Best to acknowledge and accept my limitations and cultural barriers so I can set proper boundaries and try to live my values the best I can under these tenuous circumstances.
I know my condition better than most of my providers. I had to learn to advocate for myself. It's a skill that's worth leveling up and is extra challenge with a trauma background. I believe in your ability to heal yourself!! Keep playing with different strategies and modalities until you find the right combination for yourself! You got this!
Emotional neglect and Emotional Blackmail were normalized in my family of origin, as well. Using fear, obligation, and guilt for control is emotional blackmail.
Also, all those behaviorist-styles of discipline that are normalized everywhere to squash the behavior are shown to cause the same brain injury as physical beatings. Generations of parents used abuse and neglect as discipline because it was "normal".
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Gibson helped me see how both my parents contributed to my trauma. Good on you for realizing how bad those interactions are. I relate. You aren't alone.
I keep coming back to this thread because it makes me so mad that people here are trashing you. Your mom is being a huge asshole by inviting herself over when you already have a guest and throwing a childish tantrum when she can't "pull rank" and kick your guest out of his room. I think people are thinking of their own moms who are kind and sweet and respectful.
You've implied it's impossible to say "no" to any favor your mother asks for unless you're prepared for screaming and guilt trips. A favor isn't a favor if there's an implied threat of screaming if you say no. That's not healthy, man, and I'm sorry your mom is running right over you like that. You can learn to manage your mother's aggressive entitlement but it's HARD.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmail
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060928972/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ib8tFbHT6KWNM
That's a ton of emotional blackmail. Suggest you have him read this book on amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972
JBP talks about malevolence a lot, but I couldn't tell you if he talks about it concerning close family members. However, it will be a very familiar scenario to him. One problem is that I haven't listened to his entire output. You can use search.jordanbpeterson.com, but you will get a lot of hits if you search for "malevolence" (and it doesn't seem to have advanced search facilities).
It is very hard to deal with close family members who are emotionally abusive, and your own position may be closer to mine than you think. If you are not prepared to walk, you must stand up to her, and that means always speaking the truth and never compromising your own well-being. You are going to have to be disagreeable, uncooperative, and risk some blazing rows. Do you live with your mother, and is she elderly? That will affect things a lot.
You really need advice from a psychologist. Oddly enough, I am probably not the best person to ask, simply because I am in a similar position and the dilemmas that I face will obviously colour my answers. You could read <em>Emotional Blackmail</em> by Susan Forward. It's a long time since I read it, and I can't remember if I ever finished it, so I can't say how good it is. Maybe I should re-read it. <em>Games People Play</em> by Eric Berne may also be useful. Anyways, you need to read up on emotional blackmail, and possibly co-dependency (although authors usually talk about alcoholism and domestic violence).
PM me if you like.
What's the name of the of the cult? (So I can be more specific.) But in the mean time...
2) Coercive Persuasion in Cults
3) See if she will read this? (You should, as well.) Susan Forward's <em>Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You</em>
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