I feel your pain my friend because I felt your pain as well. I've been doing my own oil changes, plus those of family and friends since We've owned a house.
The wife has a fun blue '13 R60 that we custom ordered from the dealer. The oil change for this car went from being an absolute mess to being the easiest to do once I had the right tool. Like u/stuwoo mentioned you should still wrap a couple of towels at the base of the housing. Unscrew the filter until you can see the entire giant o-ring, no more, no less.
Next, use an oil extracting vacuum pump to get the oil out of the engine. It takes about 5-10 minutes to do it's thing.
Then, change the oil filter like you usually would without the typical mess. And finally, add the new oil to your R60 and continue on motoring.
You can get an extraction pump if you don't want to put the car on jack stands.
Avoid Pittsburgh-branded jack stuff. That's Harbor Freight's brand, and while their stuff may be fine for other basic tools, stuff where your life is on the line needs to be a more trusted and expensive brand.
Alternative take... leave it in. Chances are a shop torqued it at 300ft/lbs with an air impact, forever warping/seizing aluminum to steel. If you get it off, it'll never stop leaking.
Get one of these and pull oil out from the dipstick. https://www.amazon.com/EWK-Pneumatic-Changer-Extractor-Bleeding/dp/B07LGTGMWN/
I have a warped oil pan on a 98 Volvo that this happened to. I would drop the pan and replace it if I could, but it's a PAIN to drop this oil pan.
If you use an oil extractor, you don't even need to get under the car, let alone jack it up: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07LGTGMWN/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_AWNYQPCRD1BE4X1NG69M?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1