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The Explosive Child [Fifth Edition]: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children?
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>He has said that Mr. M is mean ... I told him Mr. M is nice
If you want your kid to actually talk to you about his problems, he needs to feel his perspective is heard. If nobody listens and actually helps him get to the root of the problem, is it any surprise he escalates to unignorable responses?
You don't solve problems by being dismissive. You also don't solve problems through "time out and privilege loss." You solve problems by gathering information about them - including the concerns of the people involved - and then creating a plan that can address those concerns. Paiger's advice is good, and I suggest you take a look at The Explosive Child for a solid, evidence-based model for problem-solving.
Kohn's book is great but does not contain much in the way of actual strategies to support the philosophy. You would be well served by also reading The Explosive Child, which gives you a practical, evidence-based model for handling problems without punishments or rewards.
I picked up the book The Explosive Child and am still in the middle of reading it, but it sounds like SD7's behavior fits right in to what this book talks about.
Kids with troublesome behavior lack skills that come to other kids naturally. The ability to adapt, be flexible, to change gears or to deal with even a minor amount of frustration. If a kid has these skills, they use them! Because obviously it's easier for them to live life with less conflict than it is to incite conflict at every opportunity.
But if a kid doesn't have those skills, they go haywire. It's not that they can handle the situation and they're choosing not to use these skills. No, they simply don't have the skills to handle whatever frustrating situation they're being faced with, even if it doesn't make sense to our adult brains as to why they're having a problem.
They might go nonverbal, they might start repeating themselves mindlessly, they might say "no" to any suggestion to help them, and when threatened with punishment, they go even MORE haywire and blow up.
I'm still reading to discover what kinds of tactics work with these kinds of kids; the main tactic seems to be to problem solve WITH the kid, and head off outbursts before they start.
I have learned through this book that kids who lack these adaptive skills don't have the capacity for manipulation. They might have maladaptive behaviors that look like manipulation, but manipulating requires a LOT more social skills than kids with troublesome behavior tend to have.
Hopefully this book reco helps you the way it's been helping me! https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451/
I read the book The Explosive Child and it was a godsend when it came to addressing the difficult issues that our kiddos have.
Lots of advice says "you just need to be consistent, the consequences need to be clear, you must not be doing a good enough job of establishing that YOU are the boss, not the kid." You can ignore these people and this advice. You absolutely have done the right things and they haven't worked. You aren't crazy and you aren't doing a bad job. This advice works for the majority of kids, but once you have a kid who it doesn't work for, digging in only makes things worse, and it makes you feel insane since none of the normal parenting tactics work for you.
So I would recommend reading the book, which helps you to look past the behaviors and instead focus on the causes of the behaviors and WHY your kid is having such a hard time. If she was able to behave, she would. She can't. Even if it seems like she should be able to, she can't. Once you accept that and start to problem-solve from that point of view, things start to make sense.
The tactics in the book are extremely helpful, no matter if she has a diagnosis of something or not.
Not sure if this is aligned with your needs, but I figured I'd throw in a book that has been incredibly helpful for me with my child.
At young ages all behavior issues require the adult to be the one to make facilitating changes.
There are also multiple therapists in the area that do play therapy and use the info to help you with strategies.
https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451
She may have emotional regulation issues; may have SPD; could be any number of issues. I’m really sorry. It sounds enormously challenging and you sound like you’re at your wit’s end.
I think you need more supports and tools to figure out how to make things work more smoothly for you and your family.
Consider bringing this to the attention of her pediatrician and see if an evaluation is needed. I would definitely try to get into counseling for yourself - you’re going to need someone to support and help you and maybe have some ideas for how to deal with things- but I also think going to play therapy with her or family therapy is critical.
There’s a book called The Explosive Child https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=1XUIXBI63WUKM&dchild=1&keywords=the+explosive+child+by+ross+greene&qid=1630684255&sprefix=the+exploaive+&sr=8-3 which you might find helpful, but really, talking with a professional is going to be the most help.
My heart goes out to you. It sounds extremely challenging.
Gonna second the calls to call CPS.
Also gonna highly recommend Dr. Ross Greene’s book The Explosive Child and his CPS/ Plan B parenting method (totally different than the state CPS system, same acronym lol). He has a website www.livesinthebalance.org where he does podcasts at too and you can get The Explosive Child on Amazon. His methods have been used both in family therapy and behavioral facilities and group homes with kids with challenging behaviours with a lot of success. Not a replacement for therapy, but likely will help lower some fights, open up communication some, and make things more peaceful and less stressful at home. If you Facebook there’s a group called The B Team dedicated to his method and offering advice on how to apply his method to what you’re going through- though they don’t make much sense till you’ve read the book.
From everything I’ve learned from my cousins that fostered and then adopted- she sounds traumatized. When kids are traumatized they push. Because they hurt and they’re scared. And the harder they push the harder you pull. Because pushing is a defense mechanism. They expect you to leave so they’re trying to force it. Sooner or later you’ll leave too, just like everyone else. If you do X, or Y, or Z, or whatever else you’ll leave. And you pull, and you show them that no matter what you aren’t leaving. And you pull and build trust till they run out of energy to push and start leaning in. And not everyone has energy to pull for that long. And that’s okay. And sometimes you need support pulling- and that’s why calling CPS and getting set up with resources is so important. And it’s okay and valid to need support.
Not sure how old he is, but I'm in the middle of a child therapy rotation so I'll try to just give general advice that might help :)
We hear from parents a lot who have tried everything, but have failed to do one thing consistently. I'd encourage you to keep trying with the emotional regulation building skills. Your kid doesn't want to be an asshole because being an asshole is miserable!
Also, you mentioned daycare, so he sounds pretty young? Sometimes parents can expect little ones to be a little more mature than they should be for that age. Though you might also be right on that he's emotionally immature for his age.
I totally get that he may be difficult and don't want to discount that. Being a parent to a tricky child is hard af. A great book that I would recommend is "The Explosive Child" (https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451)
I know it's tough to parent a kid like this. Also, remember that it's hard to be a child who can't control their own emotions. I would guess that he's pretty unhappy too when these blow ups occur. Would also recommend checking out child therapy resources near you. There are tons of sliding scale options available is $ is an issue. Therapy might help explain why he's having those issues at school with the other kids. He may or may not be lying-- teachers don't catch everything AND it might be his own perception that the other kids don't like him. Low self esteem is a real thing, just not always noticeable by those around us. Otherwise maybe he's lying and saying other kids are mean to him because it gets him sympathy/love from parents?? Maybe you guys need to work on appropriate ways to get attention other than fibs like that.
In addition to Kohn's great books I always like to recommend The Explosive Child (not just for "explosive" kids). It comes from the same philosophy and eschews reward/punishment in favor of using a concrete, empirically-proven process to identify and then solve the actual problems underlying difficult behavior. (TBH it sounds like many of the problems are due to the teacher's unrealistic expectations, but as others have pointed out it's probably too late in the year to be worth trying to address those.)
Hopefully you'll have some more ideas and more professional help after the assessment today. But I'll also point you to The Explosive Child (not just for "explosive" children); it will give you a process for identifying your son's specific problems and then solving them two or three at a time in a manageable way. Good luck.
Check out The Explosive Child. It's based on a solid, effective, collaborative, empirically-proven model that involves actually problem solving instead of trying to apply 'motivation' through punishments or rewards.
I've got to agree with cardinal (in slightly friendlier wording) that your judgements are not productive. You acknowledge that she has a severe and chronic attention deficit issue that needs proper diagnosis and then in the very same paragraph call her entitled.
It's like you're looking with distain at a one-legged man who has trouble keeping up with you on the sidewalk, because once in a while you see him make a desperate mad dash for something. Obviously he can go faster, what an entitled a-hole!
What is needed here is help and patience. Perhaps the man could use a prosthesis, or simply patience and an occasional helping hand. Perhaps your daughter could use some occupational therapy, and/or medication, etc.
Get her evaluated properly, set up an appropriate course of action with her doctors, leave behind your judgements about being "entitled" and "blatant lack of respect", and actually work to help her overcome this difficulty in a positive way.
(I always like to recommend The Explosive Child, too.)
You seem to have some idea what his 'triggers' are already; those happen when he's facing a feeling, event, or situation that he's not yet equipped to handle. Once you know what they are, you and he can work together to find more constructive ways to deal with them. In your example, putting him in time out doesn't teach him how to handle unexpected transitions; instead, it merely escalates him when he's already lost emotional control.
The Explosive Child covers these sorts of situations very well. (I find myself recommending it so often I should probably just make a signature of it or something!)
Ross Green. The methods in the book are a little difficult and take a little time to master but the book was so eye opening to us as to why my son behaved the way he did (he is 8 and we are in a much better place now). Just that part alone was worth reading the book.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0062270451
>The problem is I can't come up with punishments
That's not the problem. There are probably dozens of actual problems (both big and small) underlying this situation, and what you need are solutions. Punishment does not create solutions; at best it might create motivation, but as research has shown us again and again, that form of motivation can come with significant negative side effects. Consider that your "solution" to your son's problems is to find ways to make him unhappy (punishment), and what that's teaching him as a problem-solving strategy and as a relationship model: that he stops caring and reacts by making other people miserable isn't particularly surprising.
You need to change your perspective on discipline. You need to stop using methods that are inherently antagonistic and ultimately unhelpful, any start using methods that build relationships and are focused on helping him identify and actually solve his problems.
Take a look at The Explosive Child. It outlines an evidence-based discipline model that focuses on understanding and problem-solving rather than punishment. There are more resources available at the Lives in the Balance website (take particular note of The B Team Facebook group linked there).
>My son is an ass, constantly.
Most of what you described sounds like a normal 8 year old and some of it sounds a little ADHD-ish (with the caveat that no such judgement will be accurate from a few sentences of description).
The fact that you call your son an ass because of his difficulties is concerning and I'm not surprised the doctor's reaction was to tell you to cut out the negativity.
>Doctor says not to punish or be negative. How do I get him to listen without mentally wearing myself to a breaking point.
There are evidence-based discipline models that don't utilize punishment - in fact, the most effective ones tend to absolutely minimize punishment or eschew it altogether. The reality is that punishment simply isn't very effective and is fraught with negative side effects.
If you want a punishment-free model that's effective, I suggest you take a look at The Explosive Child and the additional resources at its website.
>we did what we could, everything from punishment to rewards-based encouragement. Nothing made any difference. She laughed in our face.
Both of these things are (a) forms of adult-imposed manipulation/force, and (b) do nothing to solve the underlying issues that give rise to the behaviors. "Do better or you'll regret it" / "do better and get a treat" - neither truly address how to do better, and it only exacerbates problems with kids who have a "push me and I'll push back" personality.
I'd suggest you take a look at The Explosive Child and the Lives in the Balance website; both focus on an evidence-based discipline model that is focused on collaboratively solving problems rather than applying force.
Since this does involve talking, it may help to get her uncle a copy as well - he might have to help you jumpstart the process. And definitely take advantage of the resources linked on the website, particularly the B Team Facebook group.
>all she can tell me is she’s just really angry and doesn’t know how to control it
And it's the truth. She's dealing with an unbearable pile of difficulties that plenty of mature adults wouldn't handle well. A six year old is much more easily emotionally overwhelmed.
>family and acquaintances say I should be spanking her mercilessly until she fears me
Your family and acquaintances suggest to overwhelm this child with so much pain and fear that she shuts down completely. Your family and acquaintances are, to be blunt, thoughtless assholes advocating child abuse.
>I feel like that wouldn’t really solve my problem as she mostly needs therapy and anger management
And I'm very glad to hear you understand that. Spanking will not teach her how to cope with her emotions (and honestly, neither does any other form of punishment - that's simply not what punishment does). I'm sure you're already doing your best to find her professional help ASAP...
In the mean time, I suggest you take a look at The Explosive Child - it contains a positive and constructive evidence-based model for solving the problems that lead to the outbursts in the first place, by thoroughly understanding the problem situations and coming up with better, workable solutions. (This works for kids who have trauma-induced deficits the same way it works for kids who have deficits due to ODD, ADHD, or autism.) You can find more resources (including some helpful Facebook groups) at the Lives in the Balance website.
Punishment isn't working because punishment doesn't actually address the problems he's having. I've been saying this a lot lately so I'll be lazy and just copy/paste a response I made to someone else the other day:
The Explosive Child was written for you. It lays out a very specific and powerful process for discovering what skills your son lacking, what problems he's having, and tells you how to work with your kid to collaboratively solve those problems without any use of punishments (there's also info about the model on the web here). The method has empirical research that demonstrates its effectiveness for kids like yours (and any kid, really).
Seriously, take a look at the website. Read the Amazon reviews. Read the book. Punishment doesn't create solutions, and it doesn't teach; collaboration and problem-solving does.
Check out The Explosive Child. It's basically a detailed, evidence-based process for doing what /u/otk_boi suggested.
I don't know if your looking for advice, so if your not then please disregard my message and know that I feel ya, 3 year olds are so freaken difficult.
However I read this awesome book and I always recommend it to other parents who struggle with kids who are super inflexible and difficult to motivate. Personally it really helped me understand the tantrums and predict when they are going to happen and start changing things before they even get to the meltdown point. My kids are now 6 and 8 and I can predict at the beginning of the day when shits going to go down and be prepared for the meltdown and sometimes even prevent it. Some major triggers for my kids are around tablet/electronics and anytime routine changes. So if your interested:
>However, it doesn't really matter because punishments don't really work on my stepson.
Thats because punishments don't actually fix the underlying problems.
The Explosive Child was written for you. It lays out a very specific and powerful process for discovering what problems your son is having and tells you how to work with your kid to collaboratively solve those problems without any use of punishments (there's also info about the model on the web here). The method has empirical research that demonstrates its effectiveness for kids like yours (and any kid, really).
Seriously, take a look at the website. Read the Amazon reviews. Read the book. Punishment doesn't create solutions; collaboration and problem-solving does.
Many people find this book helpful
https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451
First off, I'm glad you thought to seek services for your child, my blanket statement was not for parents like you. You don't need to qualify yourself through your achievements; it's great that you're financially stable, but that doesn't automatically beget good parenting, and neither does past experience; you could have success with the child x and y, but z could still give you trouble. Showering him in gifts doesn't either. Fact is, and you know this well, raising a disabled child requires more love/effort; in this case, "bad parenting" simply means "non-individualized" parenting. If the parents fail to adjust to the childs deficiencies in any respect all they see is "bad parents", all the pressure is on you guys. Without knowing you and the kid, and just going off your comment it seems like you're doing everything "right". I'm more surprised about the lack of an up-to-date diagnosis and a tailored plan, since you mentioned having already gone to multiple professionals. but I guess compatibility is pretty huge when it comes to therapy and counciling.
I don't have any personal input but I have seen this book, the explosive child by Ross Greene be thoroughly recommended for people in your position. If you haven't already read it, the model outlined is well studied, and the research shows it's effectiveness. The author has a podcast too.
Have you read this: https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451
What’s an explosive child? A child who responds to routine problems with extreme frustration—crying, screaming, swearing, kicking, hitting, biting, spitting, destroying property, and worse. A child whose frequent, severe outbursts leave his or her parents feeling frustrated, scared, worried, and desperate for help. Most of these parents have tried everything-reasoning, explaining, punishing, sticker charts, therapy, medication—but to no avail. They can’t figure out why their child acts the way he or she does; they wonder why the strategies that work for other kids don’t work for theirs; and they don’t know what to do instead.
Dr. Ross Greene, a distinguished clinician and pioneer in the treatment of kids with social, emotional, and behavioral challenges, has worked with thousands of explosive children, and he has good news: these kids aren’t attention-seeking, manipulative, or unmotivated, and their parents aren’t passive, permissive pushovers. Rather, explosive kids are lacking some crucial skills in the domains of flexibility/adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving, and they require a different approach to parenting.
Throughout this compassionate, insightful, and practical book, Dr. Greene provides a new conceptual framework for understanding their difficulties, based on research in the neurosciences. He explains why traditional parenting and treatment often don’t work with these children, and he describes what to do instead. Instead of relying on rewarding and punishing, Dr. Greene’s Collaborative Problem Solving model promotes working with explosive children to solve the problems that precipitate explosive episodes, and teaching these kids the skills they lack.
ADHD is not the the inability to pay attention - it is the inability to REGULATE attention. That is why ADHD kids tend to have intense emotions and hyperfocus (what can often appear like paying attention only when they want to). (The YouTuber I linked to is phenomenal about explaining ADHD by the way). My ADHD kid also had intense emotions and one of the things that helped him with the outbursts and fits was Concerta (the lowest dose).
What concerns me about your post is that it reeks of desperation but yet 5 professionals recommended that you just TRY something different and you declined. I have been that desperate parent and I was willing to try just about anything. I can't understand why you would rather live with not liking your son and continue to live in a volatile household instead of just trying something different.
At the end of the day behavioral therapy + medication + parent coaching makes my intense ADHD kid most successful.
I would suggest you read the book The Explosive Child as you definitely need a "lense change". You need to start looking at your kid as having a hard time instead of giving you a hard time.
You might want to check out The Explosive Child if you haven't yet.
Read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. This book was written with children like your son in mind.
The Explosive Child is one of the best out there.
https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451
You might want to check out The Explosive Child, which uses an empirically-proven problem-solving model to help kids like yours who have difficulty due to lagging skills. Similar to what momming suggested, it involves proactively identifying the problems that lead to explosions and then finding solutions so those situations don't happen again.
There are also further resources on the associated Lives in the Balance website, including links to helpful Facebook groups.
>No amount of punishing him, taking away his electronics, or anything seems to help.
Punishment never “helps” - it applies a motivating force (typically with additional negative side effects), but it does nothing at all to help a kid know how to address his problems, how to control his desires or emotions, how to do anything at all really. “Do it right or I’ll make you unhappy” simply expects a kid to figure out the do it right on their own.
You can use positive reinforcement, but research shows the most effective way to do that is in very small steps with immediate feedback - because again, he needs to figure out how to do it right, and breaking each thing down into smaller pieces gives him a better chance at that. One reward (marble) at the end of the day for “good behavior” is far too general. If your kid happens to be very flexible and close to figuring things out already, this might be enough; but then if he was, you probably wouldn’t be in this situation. If you’re going to use rewards, he needs specific and immediate feedback in class.
But this whole process still leaves it up to him to figure out what’s going on how to handle himself, as behaviorist (reward/punishment) processes tend to do, even when you do get very specific.
I’m much more a fan of explicit problem solving. Working with your kid to identify specific problems, understand what’s going on when they occur, and collaboratively finding a solution to address the problem. This works because instead of saying, “this is what you need to do, figure it out and I’ll give you a treat,” you’re saying, “you’re having difficulty doing this, let’s figure out why and then use that information to solve the problem together.”
For a detailed explanation of the process, check out The Explosive Child. You can also check out the Lives in the Balance website for support and related resources.
> Talking isn't getting through to him. It isn't helping with the problem
Here. Don't be put off by the title, it's useful for any kid who is having difficulty meeting expectations (though you might ignore the paperwork portion for just a few minor issues). The entire book describes in detail an empirically-supported process for properly identifying and discussing a problem so that together you can come up with a realistic solution. It seems like a simple concept - and in the broad strokes it is - but there's a reason it fills most of a book. Doing it right isn't always as simple as we wish it to be.
>he started saying he doesn't want to calm down and that he wants to be upset.
You're not going to fix a problem after he melts down. He's not in the mindset for it. You need to fix the problem when he's calm, before it happens, so that it doesn't happen. A process to help you do that can be found in (coincidentally enough) The Explosive Child. If you need further resources to help you with the model used in the book, there are a whole lot here (including some tips on how to do it with kids whose verbal skills are not yet great, if you find that to be a challenge).
You might find the book "The Explosive Child" helpful in understanding your child's behavior. My son sounds very similar to your daughter (and honestly, much, much less of an explosive child than what the book is truly intended for). However, the premise of the book is that kids who explode like this are lacking in the skills of flexibility and adaptability and that helping them learn these skills is far preferable to punishing bad behavior that stems from a lacking skill.
My pediatrician also recommended the book, "The Whole-Brain Child", which helps explain some of the way children's brains functions. This book is especially useful because it explains why, during huge meltdowns, your child is really incapable of rational thought. You have to wait until the child is calm again before trying to address any of the challenges you're facing.
With that being said, I have noticed in particular that my son has a lot more frequent meltdowns when he is 1) tired or 2) hungry. Asking "are you hungry?" and offering him a snack sometimes snaps him right out of it.
Interacting with him/discussing his feelings/giving hugs during the meltdown seem to make it worse (contrary to my initial impulse which is to walk him through his feelings). This is really only possible AFTER the storm has been weathered. Isolating him, which is pretty much my least natural response, is what seems to work for him the best. We simply tell him he needs to stay in his room until he is calm and ready to talk about what's going on. He calms down MUCH faster by himself and half the time, he ends up falling asleep (and wakes up in a perfectly happy mood).
Something has changed between last year and now. Something is getting in his way and challenging his ability to control himself.
"Being told no" is extremely vague, and is not a problem you'll be able to solve. You need to drill down to the specifics to determine what is actually getting in his way. Once you know what the actual problems are, you will be in a much better position to help him solve them. I suggest you check out The Explosive Child (a bit of a misnomer, as it's not just for "explosive" kids), because it'll give you the tools you need to do this. (More help with the method is available here and the research into its effectiveness, if you're into that sort of thing, is available here.)
randomechoes had some great suggestions. If I had to add something on the topic of discipline, let me say I'm a big fan of the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions method described in The Explosive Child (also great for children who are not explosive :). It is punishment-free and does essentially exactly what you asked:
>...show him that he does, indeed, have power over certain responsible elements of reality, and that he can exercise it in such a way as to practice for adulthood.
The gist of the method is to proactively resolve discipline or behavior problems with your son by listening to him, getting and understanding his concerns, then expressing your own concerns, then working together with him to come up with a realistic solution that handles both. He gets to see that his concerns are important, and can be heard and taken into account, while also learning how to listen to others and take their concerns into account as well. He learns flexibility and problem-solving techniques for difficult situations. All of that will serve him well even after he's grown up.
Edit: Possibly useful link to the author's website as well.
> I've taken away toys, time outs, charts, talks, leaving, rewards, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, and on and on.
Well, none of those things solve the underlying problems so that doesn't surprise me much. I always like to recommend The Explosive Child (and the companion website); though the process is bound to be a bit more difficult with a younger child who is less verbal, it's certainly doable (the first couple radio shows on this page address the age issue, which may help you if you go this route).
One further thing to note:
> We don't play rough with him because we don't want to encourage the behavior
It is natural for children to roughhouse, and there is purpose to it. There's an entire chapter about roughhousing in one of my favorite books, Playful Parenting, and I'll excerpt just a bit here:
> Many animals wrestle, including humans, and we seem to do so for a variety of reasons. Children wrestle and roughhouse as a way of testing out their physical strength, as a way to have fun, and as a way to control their aggression.
>Boys and girls—rambunctious children and quiet ones—all benefit from thoughtful physical play with adults. The active ones, who are going to be in the thick of the rough and tumble in school and on the playground, need a chance to do it first with someone who can give them undivided attention, help them deal with their fears, hesitations, impulses, anger, etc. ...
You kid needs to roughhouse. You can help him practice and learn how to do it carefully and safely with you, or you can leave 100% of that job to other kids who are less capable of handling him.
You say this started "recently." If this is an unusual change of behavior for him, don't discount that there may be underlying factors other than ADHD or ODD that could have caused this change in behavior. (eg. Stress and anxiety over bullying or abuse, or any number of other things.)
You could try the method in The Explosive Child in addition to whatever therapy (I hope) and/or medication gets recommended by the doctor. It's all about identifying the types of situations that trigger his behavior and working together with him proactively to find both the causes and more productive solutions, and its efficacy is backed by good research (you can also check out their website). It would help to get his teachers on board with this, too. I would guess that the more unilateral force his teachers try to exert, the more he feels the need to escape. By making him and his input an integral part of the solution (before he loses control and is unable to express himself or listen in a productive way) I think you will have much better luck.
- Read this
- Don't put the kid out.
- Have a one vs. one with these children. Most are good kids that just need attention. Give it to them, just not in front of other students.
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