{"product":{"product_id":"0062270451","title":"The Explosive Child [Fifth Edition]: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children","price":"17.39","image_url":"https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51dR6rDPRIL._SL500_.jpg","url":"https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062270451"},"comments":[{"body":"\u0026gt;He has said that Mr. M is mean ... I told him Mr. M is nice \r\n\r\nIf you want your kid to actually talk to you about his problems, he needs to feel his perspective is heard. If nobody listens and actually helps him get to the root of the problem, is it any surprise he escalates to unignorable responses?\r\n\r\nYou don't solve problems by being dismissive. You also don't solve problems through \"time out and privilege loss.\" You solve problems by gathering information about them - including the concerns of the people involved - and then creating a plan that can address those concerns. Paiger's advice is good, and I suggest you take a look at [The Explosive Child](https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451) for a solid, evidence-based model for problem-solving. ","subreddit_name":"Parenting","author":"also_HIM"},{"body":"Kohn's book is great but does not contain much in the way of actual strategies to support the philosophy. You would be well served by also reading [The Explosive Child](https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451), which gives you a practical, evidence-based model for handling problems without punishments or rewards. ","subreddit_name":"Parenting","author":"also_HIM"},{"body":"I picked up the book The Explosive Child and am still in the middle of reading it, but it sounds like SD7's behavior fits right in to what this book talks about.\r\n\r\nKids with troublesome behavior lack skills that come to other kids naturally. The ability to adapt, be flexible, to change gears or to deal with even a minor amount of frustration. If a kid has these skills, they use them! Because obviously it's easier for them to live life with less conflict than it is to incite conflict at every opportunity. \r\n\r\nBut if a kid doesn't have those skills, they go haywire. It's not that they can handle the situation and they're *choosing* not to use these skills. No, they simply don't have the skills to handle whatever frustrating situation they're being faced with, even if it doesn't make sense to our adult brains as to why they're having a problem.\r\n\r\nThey might go nonverbal, they might start repeating themselves mindlessly, they might say \"no\" to any suggestion to help them, and when threatened with punishment, they go even MORE haywire and blow up.\r\n\r\nI'm still reading to discover what kinds of tactics work with these kinds of kids; the main tactic seems to be to problem solve WITH the kid, and head off outbursts before they start. \r\n\r\nI have learned through this book that kids who lack these adaptive skills don't have the capacity for manipulation. They might have maladaptive behaviors that look like manipulation, but manipulating requires a LOT more social skills than kids with troublesome behavior tend to have. \r\n\r\nHopefully this book reco helps you the way it's been helping me! https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451/","subreddit_name":"stepparents","author":"Anon-eight-billion"},{"body":"I read the book [The Explosive Child](https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451) and it was a godsend when it came to addressing the difficult issues that our kiddos have.\r\n\r\nLots of advice says \"you just need to be consistent, the consequences need to be clear, you must not be doing a good enough job of establishing that YOU are the boss, not the kid.\" You can ignore these people and this advice. You absolutely have done the right things and they haven't worked. You aren't crazy and you aren't doing a bad job. This advice works for the majority of kids, but once you have a kid who it doesn't work for, digging in only makes things worse, and it makes you feel insane since none of the normal parenting tactics work for you.\r\n\r\nSo I would recommend reading the book, which helps you to look past the behaviors and instead focus on the causes of the behaviors and WHY your kid is having such a hard time. If she was able to behave, she would. She can't. Even if it seems like she should be able to, she can't. Once you accept that and start to problem-solve from that point of view, things start to make sense. \r\n\r\nThe tactics in the book are extremely helpful, no matter if she has a diagnosis of something or not.","subreddit_name":"Parenting","author":"Anon-eight-billion"},{"body":"Not sure if this is aligned with your needs, but I figured I'd throw in a book that has been incredibly helpful for me with my child.\r\n\r\nAt young ages all behavior issues require the adult to be the one to make facilitating changes.\r\n\r\nThere are also multiple therapists in the area that do play therapy and use the info to help you with strategies.\r\n\r\nhttps://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451","subreddit_name":"AnnArbor","author":"oioAog"},{"body":"She may have emotional regulation issues; may have SPD; could be any number of issues. I’m really sorry. It sounds enormously challenging and you sound like you’re at your wit’s end. \r\n\r\nI think you need more supports and tools to figure out how to make things work more smoothly for you and your family. \r\n\r\nConsider bringing this to the attention of her pediatrician and see if an evaluation is needed. I would definitely try to get into counseling for yourself - you’re going to need someone to support and help you and maybe have some ideas for how to deal with things- but I also think going to play therapy with her or family therapy is critical. \r\n\r\nThere’s a book called The Explosive Child https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=1XUIXBI63WUKM\u0026amp;dchild=1\u0026amp;keywords=the+explosive+child+by+ross+greene\u0026amp;qid=1630684255\u0026amp;sprefix=the+exploaive+\u0026amp;sr=8-3\r\nwhich you might find helpful, but really, talking with a professional is going to be the most help.\r\n\r\nMy heart goes out to you. It sounds extremely challenging.","subreddit_name":"askatherapist","author":"SkylightMT"},{"body":"Gonna second the calls to call CPS.\r\n\r\nAlso gonna highly recommend Dr. Ross Greene’s book The Explosive Child and his CPS/ Plan B parenting method (totally different than the state CPS system, same acronym lol). He has a website www.livesinthebalance.org where he does podcasts at too and you can get The Explosive Child on Amazon.  His methods have been used both in family therapy and behavioral facilities and group homes with kids with challenging behaviours with a lot of success.  Not a replacement for therapy, but likely will help lower some fights, open up communication some, and make things more peaceful and less stressful at home.  If you Facebook there’s a group called The B Team dedicated to his method and offering advice on how to apply his method to what you’re going through- though they don’t make much sense till you’ve read the book.\r\n\r\nFrom everything I’ve learned from my cousins that fostered and then adopted- she sounds traumatized.  When kids are traumatized they push. Because they hurt and they’re scared. And the harder they push the harder you pull.  Because pushing is a defense mechanism. They expect you to leave so they’re trying to force it.  Sooner or later you’ll leave too, just like everyone else. If you do X, or Y, or Z, or whatever else you’ll leave.  And you pull, and you show them that no matter what you aren’t leaving. And you pull and build trust till they run out of energy to push and start leaning in.  And not everyone has energy to pull for that long.  And that’s okay.  And sometimes you need support pulling- and that’s why calling CPS and getting set up with resources is so important. And it’s okay and valid to need support. \r\n\r\nhttps://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?keywords=the+explosive+child+by+ross+greene\u0026amp;qid=1580944332\u0026amp;sprefix=the+explo\u0026amp;sr=8-3","subreddit_name":"AmItheAsshole","author":"Autistic_Paladin"},{"body":"Not sure how old he is, but I'm in the middle of a child therapy rotation so I'll try to just give general advice that might help :)\r\n\r\nWe hear from parents a lot who have tried everything, but have failed to do one thing consistently. I'd encourage you to keep trying with the emotional regulation building skills. Your kid doesn't want to be an asshole because being an asshole is miserable! \r\n\r\nAlso, you mentioned daycare, so he sounds pretty young? Sometimes parents can expect little ones to be a little more mature than they should be for that age. Though you might also be right on that he's emotionally immature for his age.\r\n\r\nI totally get that he may be difficult and don't want to discount that. Being a parent to a tricky child is hard af. A great book that I would recommend is \"The Explosive Child\" (https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451)\r\n\r\nI know it's tough to parent a kid like this. Also, remember that it's hard to be a child who can't control their own emotions. I would guess that he's pretty unhappy too when these blow ups occur. Would also recommend checking out child therapy resources near you. There are tons of sliding scale options available is $ is an issue. Therapy might help explain why he's having those issues at school with the other kids. He may or may not be lying-- teachers don't catch everything AND it might be his own perception that the other kids don't like him. Low self esteem is a real thing, just not always noticeable by those around us. Otherwise maybe he's lying and saying other kids are mean to him because it gets him sympathy/love from parents?? Maybe you guys need to work on appropriate ways to get attention other than fibs like that.","subreddit_name":"LifeProTips","author":"_PINK-FREUD_"},{"body":"In addition to Kohn's great books I always like to recommend [The Explosive Child](https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451) (not just for \"explosive\" kids). It comes from the same philosophy and eschews reward/punishment in favor of using a concrete, empirically-proven process to identify and then solve the actual problems underlying difficult behavior. (TBH it sounds like many of the problems are due to the teacher's unrealistic expectations, but as others have pointed out it's probably too late in the year to be worth trying to address those.)","subreddit_name":"Parenting","author":"also_HIM"},{"body":"Hopefully you'll have some more ideas and more professional help after the assessment today. But I'll also point you to [The Explosive Child](https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451) (not just for \"explosive\" children); it will give you a process for identifying your son's specific problems and then solving them two or three at a time in a manageable way. Good luck.","subreddit_name":"Parenting","author":"also_HIM"},{"body":"Check out [The Explosive Child](https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451). It's based on a solid, effective, collaborative, empirically-proven model that involves actually *problem solving* instead of trying to apply 'motivation' through punishments or rewards.","subreddit_name":"Parenting","author":"also_HIM"},{"body":"I've got to agree with cardinal (in slightly friendlier wording) that your judgements are not productive. You acknowledge that she has a severe and chronic attention deficit issue that needs proper diagnosis and then in the very same paragraph call her *entitled*.\r\n\r\nIt's like you're looking with distain at a one-legged man who has trouble keeping up with you on the sidewalk, because once in a while you see him make a desperate mad dash for something. *Obviously he can go faster, what an entitled a-hole!*\r\n\r\nWhat is needed here is *help* and patience. Perhaps the man could use a prosthesis, or simply patience and an occasional helping hand. Perhaps your daughter could use some occupational therapy, and/or medication, etc.\r\n\r\nGet her evaluated properly, set up an appropriate course of action with her doctors, leave behind your judgements about being \"entitled\" and \"blatant lack of respect\", and actually work to help her overcome this difficulty in a positive way.\r\n\r\n(I always like to recommend [The Explosive Child](http://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0062270451), too.)","subreddit_name":"Parenting","author":"also_HIM"},{"body":"You seem to have some idea what his 'triggers' are already; those happen when he's facing a feeling, event, or situation that he's not yet equipped to handle. Once you know what they are, you and he can work together to find more constructive ways to deal with them. In your example, putting him in time out doesn't teach him how to handle unexpected transitions; instead, it merely escalates him when he's already lost emotional control.\r\n\r\n[The Explosive Child](http://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0062270451) covers these sorts of situations very well. (I find myself recommending it so often I should probably just make a signature of it or something!)","subreddit_name":"Parenting","author":"also_HIM"},{"body":"Ross Green.  The methods in the book are a little difficult and take a little time to master but the book was so eye opening to us as to why my son behaved the way he did (he is 8 and we are in a much better place now).  Just that part alone was worth reading the book.\r\n\r\nhttp://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0062270451","subreddit_name":"Parenting","author":"nmmb"},{"body":"\u0026gt;The problem is I can't come up with punishments\r\n\r\nThat's not the problem. There are probably dozens of *actual* problems (both big and small) underlying this situation, and what you need are solutions. *Punishment* does not create solutions; at best it might create motivation, but as research has shown us again and again, that form of motivation can come with significant negative side effects. Consider that your \"solution\" to your son's problems is to find ways to make him unhappy (punishment), and what that's teaching him as a problem-solving strategy and as a relationship model: that he stops caring and reacts by making other people miserable isn't particularly surprising. \r\n\r\nYou need to change your perspective on discipline. You need to stop using methods that are inherently antagonistic and ultimately unhelpful, any start using methods that *build* relationships and are focused on *helping him* identify and actually solve his problems.\r\n\r\nTake a look at [The Explosive Child](https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451). It outlines an evidence-based discipline model that focuses on understanding and problem-solving rather than punishment. There are more resources available at the [Lives in the Balance](https://livesinthebalance.org/parents-families) website (take particular note of *The B Team* Facebook group linked there). ","subreddit_name":"Parenting","author":"also_HIM"}]}