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Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway?
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Freedom is much more than a mental construct. It takes guts to be free and perhaps even faith, although faith in yourself. Freedom is something that needs to be learned.
It is actually perfectly normal to be afraid of freedom, because the rules change, you make the rules now and nothing becomes more important than yourself. I met dozens of young people who go through that phase and it's scary for all of them. That fear is a good sign. The fear just means that there is something that you don't know how to face it. But you also have courage. And courage is just acting despite of fear. As the saying goes, courage is to feel the fear and do it anyway.
Be thankful for your fear, I know it sounds contradictory, but it is the first sign that you are on the right track. You will have a beautiful life.
You can cure your desire for self-preservation but it's something that needs to be worked at. A lot of people seem to think your survival instinct is what it is and the only way to overcome it is to become miserable enough.
But actually what you are doing is confronting fear. And there are lots of information, books, tools, and therapeutic techniques out there for overcoming fear. You could start with something like this, "Feel the fear and Do It Anyway".
I think it's important to know you do have power here. While most people see self-preservation as something innate that can't be changed or overcome, it is actually something that can be conquered with a plan and preparation and there are resources out there that make it easier.
What have you done to try to build up the courage?
If I were you I'd start with working on the exercises in a book about confronting fear. Try something like this to start: "Feel the fear and do it anyway." https://www.amazon.com/Feel-Fear-Do-Anyway/dp/0345487427
Fear can be conquered.
That can be overcome with a little knowledge, work and commitment. Catch 22 is, for most people, if you're able to put knowledge, work and commitment into something you wouldn't be suicidal in the first place. Unless you have some horrible, untreatable, chronic pain you have to deal with, in which case, there is more you can do than just throwing up your hands and blaming your "survival instinct" on your failures.
Start with a book like this and do the exercises: Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway
Is it the job itself or the company you worked for, or a combination of both?
Your next few steps are good and you might think about going to see a vocational counsellor who could help you segue into another career that might be more suitable to your temperament and life goals. This is a major stress time for you but you will weather the storm because you won't go under.
I often recommend a book to people who have fears about certain things that they are unable to deal with. You might check it out, as well. It's called, Feel the Fear, Do it Anyway.
Good luck. You will be fine.
> I said "hey" to one my female friends charismatically and instantly noticed the changed attitude of other women around her.
This is always funny. It's like a GPS going "recalculating..." There's a reason women say that it's a huge turnoff when a guy is a dick to the waiter...they do a lot of value judging based on how you interact with other people. And rightly so.
> I usually don't have problems holding conversations but the thought of walking up to an attractive lady and starting a convo with her makes me nervous (I'm working on that!). But when I start one, I regret ever having had those stupid thoughts of "it's not worth it, she's too pretty etc."
I'm going to work on a big ol' post about getting rid of approach anxiety nerves. Huge subject...the short answer now is "build social momentum by talking to everyone all the time, and push through the fear." A good book on the subject I've seen recommended is "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway."
Sounds like you're on the right track. As long as you're giving to give, being "the guy to know," and interacting enough, you're going to have amazing results.
Recomendo este livro - Feel the fear and do it anyway
Anw, não cais no problema de consumir demasiados livros de auto-ajuda. Não há nada nestes livros que não possas aprender sozinho, mas é preciso teres uma abertura a novas experiências grande. Ah, e a fazer figura de idiota ! A parte boa de fazeres figura de idiota é que não fazes durante muito tempo =D
No entanto se tiveres medo de experimentar coisas novas a longo prazo será muito pior do que fazer figura de idiota ...
People learn to cope in various ways. I enjoy reading, so often that's where I'll turn if there's something I want to learn about. I found Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway very helpful--at the very least, I found it a good place to start and it gave me a good idea of how I needed to change my thinking in order to address the social anxiety.
Do, create.
Self-doubt is part of the process.
Check this book...
https://www.amazon.com/Feel-Fear-Do-Anyway/dp/0345487427/ref=nodl_
Feel the Fear and do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers
This. If you want companionship, love, intimacy, you have to risk being open. There’s no other way.
And yes there’s a risk and no guarantees.
https://www.amazon.com/Feel-Fear-Do-Anyway/dp/0345487427/ref=nodl_
You can do it! A bit of fear is no different than any other 'performance' profession. It gets easier.
Here are two books that helped me early on in my career:
https://www.amazon.com/Feel-Fear-Do-Anyway/dp/0345487427
https://www.amazon.com/Cold-Calling-Cowards-Rejection-Opportunities-ebook/dp/B007WVRVXE
There’s a book called Feel the fear and do it anyway that could help.
If you need an entire book about it - https://www.amazon.com/Feel-Fear-Do-Anyway/dp/0345487427
My sympathies! I struggle with this too, so I know how much it sucks. I've recently been able to get a bit better with self confidence, though, and you definitely can too. I think you'll get useful advice that should, among other things, help you boost your self confidence out of this MOOC and this book.
When I was in college I did go on anti-depressants for a couple of years. Took awhile to find the proper dosage that worked for me but after having taken them for awhile I definitely felt like it was helping with the physical symptoms of the depression and anxiety. The medication helped even out my moods and helped calm the physical symptoms of anxiety like the butterflies and the sweating and the jitteriness. What it didn't do however, was fix the negative thought patterns going on in my head. I had almost hoped when I started it that it would be almost like a magical bullet to fix all the problems. It is not. I saw a therapist 2 or 3 times through my college and she was helpful at the time to help with immediate things I was struggling with, school work, life, etc. but it was not in depth enough or long enough to really attack the underlying problems. Also at that age, 21, 22, I didn't even have a full grasp on what was going on inside my head. I didn't understand why these things were happening, what contributed to me feeling this way, or any of that so I don't think you can really fix or attempt to fix the problem until you start to unwind it all in your head on how you ended up where you are at.
There have been 4 distinct moments in my life where I was hit with the strongest anxiety attacks I've ever had. Moving from home in a small town to go to college on my own (this new place, being on my own, having to rely only on myself, everything was so overwhelming), the day I came out to my family (I was so numb with anxiety there are moments where I cannot remember what happened but I did feel so much better. No matter what their reaction the "secret" was finally out.), the time I got summoned for Jury Duty (I had no idea what I was doing or walking into and the notion of being picked as a juror was terrifying to me, the whole thing was just so terrifying and there was nothing I could do to avoid it), and finally when I moved into my own apartment on my own for the first time (which was just 2 years ago at the age of 31. Before that I had always had a roommate who I could lean on and rely on to help me with things).
Just before I went in for Jury Duty, I read a book called Feel the Fear...and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. It teaches some ways to try and cope and move forward when dealing with anxiety and similar issues. She has other books and it's not really in depth enough that it fixes everything but it was helpful. There was a passage in it that I liked and has been helpful for me to remember. It was something to the effect of:
"No matter what comes your way, you can handle it."
No matter what's on the other side of that thing that's giving us anxiety, we can handle it. We may not know what it is or what we are doing but we'll figure it out as we need to and will be able to move through it. That may not necessarily be the case all the time but for the most part it holds up, that's essentially what she is getting at. I was still anxious as hell for jury duty but I made it through. I happened to get EXTREMELY lucky though and my juror number didn't get picked in any of the courtrooms I had to go into so I never had to face the lawyers or judges. There were a few of us in the same boat and as the week went on and there were fewer and fewer of us left we were joking that we were playing Survivor: Court Room Edition to see who would be left. The whole thing was terrifying but I made it through.
To tie back to those specific incidents, the same holds true for those as well. I was extrememly anxious and overwhelmed, often so numb that I was basically on autopilot. I was a nervous wreck I made the people around me irritated by my behaviour and the things I talked about, the constant worrying, the countdown to the day where I had to actually face the thing I couldn't avoid, but in the end though, when I faced the thing the scared me and walked through it, I made it through to the other side. I faced it and was able to deal with whatever happened. When I moved to college, eventually once I got used to living in residence, and I got all my paperwork sorted out for student loans and bank stuff, and I got to know my way around the school, I was able to start meeting people in my classes and gained new friends (one of whom became my best friend, we still see each other regularly some 11 years after graduating) and I was able to settle in and be more comfortable and the anxiety wore off. With coming out to my family I gave them all letters and then sort of talked with my sisters and mother that day and they were all accepting (parents were a little slower but they came around) and my sisters ended up throwing me a coming out BBQ that summer to celebrate. Nothing bad happened to me or the people around me when I finally did the thing that scared me and the anxiety wore off. When I finally moved into my apartment, the building managers were all very helpful with me filling out my paperwork and getting everything all set up. They were friendly and everything went smoothly. My biggest worry about living on my own was keeping everything budgeted and paying my bills, paying rent on time, and taking care of myself. It took probably 6 or 8 months before I really finally settled in and everything wasn't so stressful anymore but eventually I figured it all out and I'm doing OK. The anxiety wore off once I knew I had faced the unknown and scary things about living on my own and figured it out.
Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway
2006 - Susan Jeffers
Opposite to Emotion Action, a DBT skill, really helps me. This particular DBT strategy was developed from exposure therapy, which helps people with anxiety and phobias.
I googled this phrase, since it's what I always say to myself, and apparently it's a book. I haven't read it myself but it may be helpful. Feel the fear and do it anyway!
> whenever I’m in the middle of a traumatic situation, I freeze
Let me give you a small gift. Fear is normal and natural. And I've spent YEARS...DECADES calming myself and getting to the point where I don't let fear do that to me. It takes time, effort and practice.
And you, like anybody else on this planet, can master fear to a point. You'll never get over it totally. You'll never be Han Solo or any other cool fictional character because...well, that's fiction.
But you can master fear to an extent.
And when you do that, all of a sudden, all of the panic, trauma and whirling dizziness will disappear. And then this whole argument about pronouns, mis-gendering, etc. just goes away; into the bin.
Then you're ready to move onto much more important things.
SOURCE: 51 years of life and truckloads of practice!
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