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I had a similar "If I'm going to kill myself, why don't I try to have a better life first" experience too. It was about 35 years ago. And yes, I'm happy and fulfilled. The journaling is great (If you don't know about cognitive behavioral therapy, look it up. My experience came from this book which may be dated, but I think still has value).
My story is not your story, but if I could make through mine with a happy ending, then you can find one for yourself as well.
Everything you said, plus:
>I'm now where I should have been at 25, and I'm 37.
There is no "should be" script in life. We are where we are; some imaginary or idealized person's life is does not apply to our personal circumstances.
If OP cannot get to a mental health professional, I urge her to get the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. My therapist co-signs that book as well and even gave me activities to work on similar to what that book goes over, like a mind map and mood chart.
Alcohol can cover up anxiety, which is probably what it's doing to you. There are other treatments for anxiety that do not have the negative health impacts that alcohol does.
I found this book very helpful, and only £1.50 for the kindle edition
You can reduce your anxiety without medication - work on that.
I know it can be hard to talk about, been there myself. Something that really helped, and got me into a headspace where not only could I help myself, but to where I could talk to others about it was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Its under $20 on kindle
Its not a typical "self help, be happy" type book, its by the guy who pioneered CBT, which is a mainstay of modern psychiatrists.
It didn't "fix" my mental illness, but it really helped me cope when I was in the worst of it.
That and binging Community and Parks and Recreation
What keeps people going is resilience. The good news is that it's something you can develop (and I know that because I've gone from having none to being pretty healthy). To get started, you need to do cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT teaches you about cognitive errors that lead to the problems you've been having. For example, "all or nothing thinking" leads you to think that once you've failed at one thing, that you're not good at anything. Without the cognitive error, you can see what's really happened. Maybe you didn't prepare well enough--that's something you can fix. Maybe you chose an endeavor that isn't a good fit for you, and you can use this information to figure out better fit. Maybe you didn't have a key piece of information. There are lots of reasons for failure that don't mean "I'll never succeed at anything," and finding out those reasons gives you the resilience to try again. And again. Sometimes you'll fail, sometimes you'll succeed, and you'll always be learning.
As far as how to go about CBT, seeing a therapist is always an option. But CBT works really well in book form. I highly recommend "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It's cheap at Amazon. Go through the exercises, and you'll see an improvement in your depression, in your resilience, and in your relationships.
A man cold is the common cold, but for men like me, it makes me completely useless. I use all my energy at work and then I'm done for the day. Which is worse when you have anxiety and depression.
Citalopram is an SSRI, (also known as Celexa) it's used to treat both anxiety and depression (as well as a host of other conditions)
I found that it takes more than just the SSRIs to deal with the What ifs.
They give you a boost, but it's like re aligning your brain. My Doctor recommended Feeling Good, the new mood therapy by Dr Burns (amazon link
(Note for mods: the Amazon link is not an affiliate link)
I managed to get the eBook for cheap and it has quite a bit of homework that helps train your brain to worry less about the What ifs and really analyse them.
Once you are able to fully realise what the What ifs are coming from, you are able to navigate life worrying about them.
First, congrats on getting out. Good stuff. It seems like you don't have kids either, which is amazing.
Second, what's wrong with not getting married again? As you've seen, many marriages fail. Maybe most.
Perhaps ask your therapist if she does Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy. It can help you change how you view things. I recommend this book highly. You can probably get it for free at your local library.
I have suffered anywhere from mild to extreme depression (including two suicide attempts) from the age of 16 onwards. Nothing has been more helpful to me than the chapter 3 exercise in this book (I haven't read all of the book yet) https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B009UW5X4C?ref=KC_GS_GB_AU&dplnkId=e3e50d29-a09a-4928-9ea3-ebd0dbe15271
I guess I'd suggest getting screened for depression or other disorders. You might have a low-level something going on that you normally manage well and have learned to live with. But when your hormones hit it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. But you're right to recognize this, no one wants to feel like that, I can't imagine, you know every month it's a ticking time bomb!
You might check out "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy." For minor depression it's simply life-changing. I really like his exercise about how you spend your time - if you are upset at your husband laying down while you're cooking, this might help you gain some perspective. EVERYONE needs a little down time. Maybe you are not giving yourself yours?
Also, regular exercise is 100% critical for me, to regulate my moods. Try to get 30 minutes a day of something you enjoy, I know it's tough with kids and a household. If that seems like too much start small with just 10 minutes a day, and I bet you will feel an improvement shortly.
> I am super self-critical and always compare the food to the most superlative version of that food I have ever consumed. Even if it tastes good, I mentally discount the reasons that I think it tastes good ("it only tastes this good because I was so hungry; or because it's so hot out; or because this is a nostalgic flavor for me"). Meanwhile, if anything is "off," I assume that everyone else will notice immediately and hate the food.
I recommend Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns, M.D. (The father of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) Your post is a textbook example of one of the types of cognitive distortions or unhelpful thinking: Disqualifying the Positive. That is, making excuses for good performance and insisting that everything you do is useless, poor, pathetic etc and anything well-done is an accident.
Hey sorry you are struggling!!!
I would suggest reading
It's full of quite practical advice and I was amazed how much better I felt within a few days, just from doing a few exercises. You can't always change your circumstances but you can change your mood with just minor tweaks to your behavior and thinking. It's not going to fix all your problems overnight but you will be in a much better mental place to handle them.
Major depression might require drugs or therapy, but I'd try that book first.
This book is amazing at describing cognitive distortions
Very true. Therapy should be part of basic health care service we deserve for paying taxes.
But for anybody who really needs some help…
If you have $11, you can afford the eBook of Feeling Good, one of the best Cognitive Behavior Therapy self-help books ever written.
Not every resource or therapy is a silver bullet for every problem. But this one has a damn good track record. And it’s a damn better choice than doing nothing.
I know the struggle. I ache for anyone feeling the way I did.
Please try reading "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. It's the #1 recommended book for depression by doctors.
Good luck and God Bless.
Is the anxiety specifically about your profession, or is it just the job/company you happen to be in right now? If it's the job, what about looking for something else? If it's the profession - ugh, that's rough.
I've been reading a great book I highly recommend called Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. It's all about using cognitive-based therapy (CBT) to reframe anxious thoughts and emotions. I've been pretty anxious in my current job and this book has helped me address my anxiety.
One other thing I'll share - I've focused very much on non-work related things. In the past I let my career define me and it was the one driving thing I focused on. No more - I just can't. My focus now is on quality of life, having a good work/life balance, and filling my life with non-work joy (friends, activities, working out, etc.).
I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling with depression for so long, it can be an extremely difficult burden to bear.
I'm only a lowly masters student studying clinical mental health counseling so I won't pretend to be an expert but many professionals believe David D. Burns "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" to be the gold standard of self-help (I hate that term and mean it in the literal sense here) books on depression. Mr. Burns actually released another book (or a newer version?) last month called "Feeling Great." Honestly I would start here as it is a very well respected book that is based in clinical evidence and written in a very easy to read way. It is also free if you have Amazon prime!
Mr. Burns also has a podcast you could check out if you'd like. I haven't listened to it myself but have heard good things.
I hope that is a helpful start!
Certainly, again no expert and I am far from walking around in justified self confident bliss but I have come a long way from suicidally negative/depressed.
"I hate my life." is a statement that contains/uses/hides behind multiple cognitive distortions. (Feeling good is with the cost of admissions for the list of cognitive distortions alone.) But the big one that comes to mind is catastrophizing. Do I really hate my life, or am I unhappy with my current employment situation? Do I hate my life or do I need a little more free time for self-care actions? If your having overarching grand negative thoughts their is a good chance they are "generalizations" force yourself to be specific about what exactly is the problem, and don't over extrapolate.
Well learned first to recognize those ANTs, then to analyze them, and finally neutralize them. They never went away, I just see them coming and judo them to the side.
Link to book:
-treat yourself like someone you love and are responsible for caring for
-non zero days (from a reddit post) the concept of 3 "yous" past you, present you, future you all need/want different things and each need acknowledging
Don't necessarily need the book, but it does help. Its all about cognitive behavioral therapy, which is basically just ways to recognize how your depressed thoughts are not an accurate reflection of reality.
>dialectical behavioural therapy
DBT is a form of CBT and was developed to treat folks with borderline personality disorder. Given how you describe your issues, I think that cognitive therapy would do you the best. Also, if you have Kindle Unlimited, a great book that is on that list is Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. I read it years ago and it really helped! Now that it's "free" with Kindle Unlimited, I'm reading it again.
Yes, that's a great snippet. David Burns teaches cognitive behavioral therapy in his books Feeling Good and the Feeling Good Workbook. It's why therapy helps. Because anger is just another emotion like anxiety or depression. Once we realize we can alter it, we can start to control it.
This really depends. It has the potential to change things, but I think you'd have to put in some effort of your own as well. There are people that move simply hoping to improve their mental health. But moving is such a huge deal. Most importantly, you lose friends/community you have (if any). I think reading a book like Feeling Good, or going to a counselor (if you can afford) and working through some of the issues, could be bring more lasting, long-term relief.
I'd recommend looking into meditation, cognitive behavioural therapy, and professional help.
Meditation is essentially the practice of letting go. CBT is a process of looking at all your behaviour patterns, processing and working through them. They are both tools that can work well together.
I'd recommend reading the book Feeling Good by David D. Burns, once you familiarise yourself with cognitive behavioural therapy, you start thinking in that mindset, and it can be very helpful for processing things that may come up in meditation.
Alongside that, you could consider seeking professional help/CBT, if you feel that might be better for you.
I'd also recommend searching "ego backlash", there is a lot of threads online from people experiencing a similar thing, and they could be of help to you.
This book was recommended to my by my therapist. It changed my life for the better forever.
Don't get me wrong, I despise self-help books. This one is different. After fifty pages (the first chapter) I felt as if a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Yup, just like the cliche. And Dr. Burns gives you tools to fight and defeat depression.
I was off of anti-depressants within nine months. Now when I'm 'down' it's for a reason, not just "I'm depressed". And if I am down, I know the reason.
This book has been in print for over twenty years. It is almost definitely in your local library.
Incels are one of the unintended consequences of the Internet. We all knew the haters would find each other, etc. But no one ever conceived of socially stunted males bonding over a lack of nookie and forming a "movement" warranting a name. Youngsters can trust me on this one.
In years past, these whiny, self-centered lightweights would be holed up in their room with their collections of porno magazines acquired starting around age thirteen, and no one would ever hear from them.
Does it just not occur to these poor, booty-deprived simpletons that everyone has goals/dreams/ideals that are difficult/impossible to attain? Why the @#$% are these jokers special? And the notion that somehow, we - as a society - owe these gormless clods something is an undercurrent of the whole "movement" (this poster can think of one type of movement the Incels are reminiscent of, and it involves being seated).
Incel violence has always existed. What? You think socially stunted males just sprang into existence twenty-five years ago? No, hyper-frustrated males killing females who can't read the indicators has always existed.
Don't give these creeps any more power than normal caution indicates.
Some of the stuff you mention in your post resonates quite a bit with me -- the anxiety stuff.
Early in 2015, three years before I got sober, I started seeing a therapist weekly and focused on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in my sessions. Almost immediately I was able to work with CBT to help deal with my anxiety. Six months in, we agreed that I was wrestling with some mild obsessions/compulsions as well and so I started Sertraline (Zoloft). The combo of CBT and Zoloft was amazing for me. The Zoloft quieted my ruminations (repetitive, intrusive thoughts, like beating myself up for an awkward social interaction, etc) that were bombarding me and gave me the breathing room I needed to really exercise my CBT skills and deal with my anxiety. It took me three years of sticking with therapy, CBT, and medication, but I slowly built up the strength I needed to finally get sober.
Some of the phrasing you used in your post makes me wonder if you might also have a bit of the ol' ruminations. I'm not saying you need therapy or medications, but you might want to put that on your radar if you haven't given them a go.
An old-timer around here, /u/seeker135, has mentioned he read Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy and was eventually able to manage his anxiety without medication. I just bought the sucker yesterday and haven't even cracked it open, but /u/seeker135 definitely seems to have his stuff together, so you might want to look into that too.
Best of luck! I'm learning that just because I got sober doesn't mean I'm suddenly all better. It just means I have a clear enough head to get to work on my real problems now, and I'm frankly excited to get to work!
I second all the suggestions to get professional help with your mental health. This book was phenomenal for me in getting started.
>So much about overcoming depression is perspective.
I don't think it's that simple. There are lot of theorized causes for depression, and simply changing perspective isn't a recognized treatment option for any of them. I agree that adopting a new perspective can be helpful in fending off depression, but I don't think that's normally possible until you are already receiving some form of effective treatment.
For anyone who's depressed out there and can't afford or doesn't want to go to therapy or go on meds, I highly encourage Feeling Good by David D Burns. For less than $10 you can learn about cognitive behavioral therapy that you can do yourself. Self treatment if you are serious about it can be just as effective as talk therapy and CBT has shown great success for most people with depression. Discovering how maladaptive and irrational a lot of my thought patterns were was the first step to getting a different perspective and really helped me take the first steps in overcoming depression.
Your mind is playing tricks on you with worse case scenarios. I would highly recommend this book.
Question 1: if you don't cancel the thought and just let it pass, can it still come to be via LOA?
Answer: No, because you are not putting energy into it.
Question 2: why did my mind make that terrifying transition from "what if this horrible thing happens?" to "I am a victim of this horrible thing"?
Answer: Because you are asking a question that can only answered in the way you answered it. If you asked "What if I am raped?" then how could you possible answer that question without being a victim or imagining how it would feel like to be the victim?
I completely get it. I hated myself heavily 20 years ago, and was severely depressed because of it.
The thing about long term self hate, is that it pretty much fuels itself, because a lot of the negative thoughts in your head are complete habit. It's FANTASTIC that you are choosing to love yourself!! It will help immeasurably if you work on the automatic negative thoughts, too.
If you are willing to check out a book/work book, look at Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns.
Holy cow the things we can do to ourselves. Glad you're sober and being better to yourself. On top of meditation and exercise Feeling Good by David Burns M.D. has helped me out a lot.
I would recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1#nav-subnav
If you don't feel like reading, you don't feel like reading. Maybe you'll find the urge in a few days, maybe you won't. I picked up comics again this year after a long time off, and so grabbed a whole lot of trades as well. Some of them I've read very quickly (Saga!), some of them have been a bit slower (I kind of have to be in the mood to read Moore's Swamp Thing).
Don't put pressure on yourself to read, that's not healthy. If you find in a month, or three, or whatever, that it was all a mistake, sell them on eBay or something and recoup some losses.
Good luck with everything.
I didn't even really start getting a decent handle on things until I was ~25ish (until then I kind of just distracted myself with things like video games to bury my feelings... which in retrospect sounds like a completely stereotypical INTJ move), so don't worry, you have plenty of time :)
And you're right, experience is huge. In addition I also recommend meditation (/r/meditation), cognitive behavioral therapy (basically learning to identify your thoughts that don't make any sense so you can argue against them, I liked this book), and really just having your life together in general (e.g. good sleep, eating, exercise, social, and study habits... which of course is much easier said than done haha).
If you have counseling available at your school, personally I also find that stuff extremely useful. I doubt there's anyone in the world that wouldn't benefit from having an hour with a professional trained to help you solve your problems, even though there's a negative stigma associated with it.
So many hugs. I feel this way a lot and am still struggling with it, but there's a book that my awesome future father in law gave me that has actually helped a lot that I think you might benefit from reading: Feeling Good by David Burns.
You are a good person. You are worthwhile, you are interesting, you are smart, you are funny, and you have value. I know it feels like somehow you aren't, like if people could just see the whole you that they'd understand how wretched and worthless you feel you are, but that voice is installed by your N- they installed that voice, they know where each of your buttons is, they know exactly how to invoke the response they want because they nurtured that insecurity, that fear, inside you as you grew. You can heal, you can learn to live without that voice. It will take some work, but it's possible. Just know that you are worth the effort.
Best of luck to you, and all the internet hugs if you want them ((hugs)). If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me, friend.
I know how that depression feels buddy, and it's crazy because sometimes you're so depressed you don't even care about fapping or sex. It's just your escapism manifesting in new ways. Mine takes all forms, from pain, to depression, to anger.
Currently reading this book, has been a great help so far, but it's a little early to tell: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1427407045&sr=1-1&keywords=feeling+good+the+mood+therapy
There are three things that have been shown to be effective at fighting depression: cognitive therapy, meditation, and anti-depression medication.
I'm not a therapist or anything, but based on what you have written here, you are running into many of the mental traps that cognitive therapy talks about, e.g., most times you are using the word NEVER.
Telling yourself you can NEVER work out? Try getting a pedometer. See how many steps you take on a day you are depressed, and then define a workout as a 100 steps more than that. If you cut it down from larger, nebulous ideas like "working out" into small pieces you can reasonably do, like "100 steps more than on than days I feel depressed", it's easier to see improvement. And think how you'll feel when you move to 200 steps, or more.
Feeling Good has other approaches that might work for you. Do something like the three column technique to help you see how your internal voice is telling you things that aren't reasonable, and maybe find a therapist that specializes in this approach.
As the author of Feeling Good puts it, "In my experience the most crucial predictor of recovery is a persistent willingness to exert some effort to help yourself." Depression cuts into our willingness to exert some effort, but we CAN do it - no matter what our internal voice is telling us. Maybe not every day, but no effort is ever wasted.
I actually read something about this a long time ago that was really helpful to me.
Apparently in cognitive behavioral therapy, one of the big things that you have to try and do is reprogram your brain from the reflexive unhealthy things you've taught it to do over years and years of habituation. One of the things that people who have depression and anxiety tend to do is negative self talk. We'll turn inward and say stuff like "Fuck, you fucking idiot!" or "Nobody loves you. This is why." or a million other horrible things. It becomes reflexive after a while and you can rip it off in your head as if it's nothing.
So this book i was reading (forget the title now, maybe it was Feeling Good?) was like, you should go full bore the opposite direction. Instead of saying something horrible about yourself, say something as over-the-top positive as you can and just sit with it.
Instead of saying "You're so fucking stupid" I'd think "Oh you sly, sly dog." And that was an absolutely ridiculous thing to do. So I'd kind of... smile internally. Because it's sort of funny and sarcastic.
But the weird thing was that over time it took the sting out. Because if you let that weirdly incongruent statement hang in the air like that, then your thought process ends on this weird smiley feeling. Since it seems silly to add another over-the-top statement on, you don't continue to dwell as much. Then you go back to what you're doing.
It made an enormous difference for my mental wellbeing. Surprising how much it alleviated the gloom cloud I was carrying around with me.
So what you're doing actually has some clinical support! Keep at it. If you find it helpful, I'd also recommend meditation, which was also hugely helpful to me. I ended up doing a form of passage meditation taught by Eknath Easwaran. I'm not sure why, but it helped for my self-demeaning and self-hating tendencies really well. If your mind is like mine (since apparently we both fall prey to this particular tendency), it might also be really helpful.
>I look at the people that are still in Wellington, and they were the classmates we'd always make fun of: like the pock-marked nerd that we said would never get a date (and still never has – anime chicks don’t count)
This isn't helping me feel sympathy towards you...
But it also might be part of the solution
Have you tried helping other people? In a weirdly selfish kind of way, being good to people gives you a really good feeling.
It is a way to also make friends, and also make connections which is good for careers
Also if you think peak dining is Valentines, you might want to expand your palate a bit, wellington is full of those cafes with those overflowing, chocolate filled, mason jar constructions.
For those shitty thoughts though, ugh i feel you. There are two things that helped me so much with that, one is this book Feeling Good by David Burns (one of the pioneers of cognitive behavioural therapy)
Also this song from Steven Universe which NAILS how those thoughts feel sometimes, and how to deal with them
You really, really need to address your depression. Don't make any drastic and unalterable decisions right now (such as dropping out of med school) because of your feelings of hopelessness. Whether it be with a therapist, psychiatrist, or PCP, it's important to talk to a professional rather than random people on r/medicalschool who may or may not have good advice to give. I also highly recommend this (basically cognitive behavioral therapy in a book): https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=sr_1_2?crid=3DEPOIHVCW02L&keywords=feeling+good+the+new+mood+therapy+by+david+burns&qid=1576788065&sprefix=feeling+good+the+new+mood+the%2Caps%2C178&sr=8-2
It teaches you a lot of tools for addressing automatic negative thoughts and other things that might be distorting your perception of reality.
You're in medical school, and they chose to accept you for a reason. You are not at all "a disgrace".
>And I know how I must come off to others, like these pathetic creeps.
That's not how you come across in this post. You come across like someone who is struggling with a lot of self doubt and a lot of self loathing. I think many of us have been there at one time or another, even if to a much lesser degree.
I'm gonna give you some advice. Feel free to take it or leave it as you feel appropriate.
First, look into therapy. It sounds like you have a lot of intense anxieties rattling around in your head, and they're just going to hold you back. Just being able to talk to someone can be a huge weight off your shoulders. Plus, an outside perspective can help you see yourself in a more accurate light.
If you can't afford therapy, look into written exercises in Feeling Good by Dr. Burns. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps to spot the distortions in thinking that contribute to negative emotions like fear and self-hatred. It's not about skipping through a field of flowers and butterflies, it's about looking at your negative thoughts and being able to calmly, dispassionately say "Okay, my brain is being a dick again." You get practice replacing old patterns of thinking with more a realistic, rational outlook. I used it a few years ago for my anxiety issues and was surprised at how helpful it was.
Second, practice your social skills. If talking to people is nerve-wracking, start small. Begin with customer service workers. Say "Thanks!" to the bus driver as you get off at your stop. Or "Enjoy your afternoon!" to the cashier when they finish ringing up your groceries. These little interactions are usually safe because they are 1) Quick 2) With people whose job is to interact with strangers. As you get more comfortable, you can branch out into little bits of small talk. "Wow, the weather is NICE out there today. I hope you get the chance to get outside later."
As you become comfortable making brief small talk, look into ways to expand your social circle. Personally, I'm a big fan of structured activities. For instance, I was part of a science-fiction book club that was really great. We had something in common to relate over. Plus, everyone got the chance to give their opinion on the book, but you could be as brief as you wanted. We had the chance to chat a bit, but we had a central topic to focus on.
Dance classes, youth organizations, volunteer events, recreational sports are similar in that they give you the chance to meet new people but they're structured enough that none of you have to "wing it."
Third, be good to yourself. When you have all this negative self talk it's so easy to see getting better as an obligation or a penance. "UGH, I'm SUCH a screw up! I'm probably broken! I need to fix my shit or NO ONE will want to be around me!!!"
The truth is, you should work on getting better because you DESERVE to be better. You deserve to live a life free of crippling self-doubt. You deserve to be happy and content. You deserve to feel free to pursue relationships that will bring both of you joy.
When I was younger, I fell into this trap of mentally beating up on myself all the time. I was convinced I was a worthless fuck-up and that by being mean as shit to myself, I was somehow making the world a better place. The thing is, that turned out to be absolute bullshit. As I've learned to be more proactive in my life and more compassionate towards my inevitable setbacks, it's not just me who's benefited. I've become a calmer, more caring friend and partner. I've been able to offer more support to be friends because I'm not so overwhelmed with my own anxieties. Also, I think we don't always realize how much we look to each other for guidance. When you can be kind and accepting towards yourself, you make it easier for those around you to do the same.
Finally, online dating is a shitshow. If you are feeling low, this may not be a good time to be on Tinder. However, if you reach the point where you want to give it another try, get a profile review first. If you aren't getting a lot of matches, it might not have anything to do with you and everything to do with mediocre photos or a lackluster bio.
To jest dobra książka: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C
The book has been updated over the years so make sure you find the latest one. This is the book though (may not be the latest one though): https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C
Yes CBT can definitely help with this. I recommend that you read Feeling Good by David Burns. You can find it online for free with some googling. He provides tools and exercises for that exact use case. One example exercise is named the Triple Column Technique. Burns also has a great podcast. CBT takes practice though. It takes a lot of patience and iteration. It's a skills based therapy. If you can afford to see a CBT therapist then please try that, but if you can't then please try reading Feeling Good
And even if you are in the UK, if you don’t find a support group you like, you can join any across the world through meetup.com. And no one will know you so you can open up as much as you want. And maybe try a few. And it’s only selfish in the positive light of caring for yourself. Which isn’t the negative connotation.
With meds, talk over things with your doctor and ask how long patients are on them. Or if you need them. Some people can use them temporarily so they feel better and can concentrate on changing thoughts and behaviors. Like applying itching cream so you can focus. Meds are different for each person, so that’s the frustrating part. But give it a try for a few months and see if they make a difference. If you need them. And then you can stop whenever you would like. They aren’t addictive. And only your doctor can determine if you need them or not.
And maybe some thoughts are from anxiety, you can work on ways to decrease anxiety. And also depressing thoughts. If you don’t want to do therapy, look into CBT or ACT therapy. Like this book https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=Feel+good&qid=1610513549&s=books&sr=1-1 and this book https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2SJLFL6WT8RKO&dchild=1&keywords=happiness+trap&qid=1610513588&s=books&sprefix=Happiness+trap%2Cstripbooks%2C218&sr=1-1
Therapy definitely helps with the thoughts because there is something healing telling someone your deep feelings like sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, anger, fear, etc. Its like it releases feelings into fresh air and they start to heal.
You’ll never be ok with feeling lonely. Who would. Attending a support group has helped me to reach out to people. And that helps not being so lonely. It feels good to be yourself and be seen. And try finding activities on meetup.com to meet people. Just hearing and seeing people can help loneliness. And with this pandemic, lots of people are dealing with loneliness. You aren’t alone.
And you can read books about shame, communication, fear and confidence. Books have helped me a lot and given me new thoughts and behaviors to try. And having what I feel put into words helps.
Try giving journaling a chance. And mindfulness and deep breathing. That helps with thoughts, behaviors and anxiety.
What do you think is causing your depressive thoughts? And if loneliness, what from. Like shame or fear or anxiety. Journaling will help with this.
I had to read multiple books. Even something like this gave me new ideas to try and make sense of my behaviors. https://www.amazon.com/Own-Side-Self-Criticism-Self-Worth-Confidence-ebook/dp/B08518QZ4S/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=Aziz&qid=1610514196&s=books&sr=1-5
I used to smoke a shitload of pot :) I stopped when I relised that if I had followed my dreams instead of getting stoned and dreaming about them, I would have achieved at least one of them. It was a bit of a wake-up call !!
Cognative Behavioural Therapy is a way of rearticulating your thoughts to be less obsessive and anxious. Its based on the Stoic idea that you can't control things outside of yourself, but you can control the way you react to them. I very highly recommend the book "The Happiness Trap" as a good start. Give me a couple of mins and I'll grab a couple of other resources for you too :)
OK Moodgym - free and run by an Australian University - https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
The Happiness Trap
And special bonus pep talks from Steven Pressfield -
The War of Art
Hey there, I'm a license psychotherapist and have a few suggestions:
1) Check out all the people commenting on you, your lifts, and how impressive you are. Do NOT take that lightly (pun intended). You are changing other people's lives just be being HERE on the Earth. You don't see it, since your mind is lying to you, but EVERYONE here sees it.
2) Just realize that it takes time and time and time to find the right person. As someone who was married, then engaged to another person, and that moved to China to work as a psychotherapist, NOTHING it easy.
3) You KNOW nothing is easy as we can see from all the work you are doing on yourself. Hell, just posting here MEANS YOU ARE A BAD ASS SINCE YOU ARE NOT HIDING what is going on. Speaking your truth, no matter how scary, is FUCKING AWESOME.
4) I met my now wife just TEN days before moving to China. Everyone thought I was batshit crazy because who the hell meets someone 10 days before leaving for a job in China??? I mean I could have dated all kinds of women there, but I just knew she was special. She owns her own website and could travel anywhere, so we took a chance. She came over 1.5 months later. We have not been apart for more than a few days in the NINE years since then. I'm 52 so it took me FORTY THREE YEARS to find the right person. Don't rush it even though it sucks like shit right now. Trust me, I wasn't half the man you are right now at your age.
5) I would suggest you check out David Burn's books. He helped save ME from my own depression and suicidal thoughts back in the day before I became a therapist...and also after I became a therapist. Here are the links:
Keep speaking your truth and keep realizing how much you matter to people. You don't even KNOW how much and how many people care about you. It is ONLY AFTER people commit suicide that the reality of how many people love them comes out. I've seen it (Luckily none of my clients have committed suicide) because I see client who have to deal with HELL GRIEF after someone they love commits suicide. And the client I see will say, "I had no idea. I wish I had done more to help."
If you can, try to see someone that does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in the David Burns' style that I posted above. His work is honestly life changing more than you can believe. It focuses on looking at your false ideas about yourself and questioning them and then proving them wrong.
Example: No one loves me.
Truth: I know of one person that loves me. That means I'm using the fallacy of "ALL OR NONE." Why? Because it is a lie my brain is telling me that NO ONE loves me. Even if it is just ONE PERSON. That allows you to see, and tell your brain to STFU, when that thought comes back. It may take a while, but it works. There are loads of other cognitive distortions and ways to break that mindset.
Trust me, bro. YOU FUCKING MATTER IN THIS WORLD. If you didn't, would all these people be writing to you telling that they've gone through shit and they care about you? For all these people to take the time to show they've thought the same, have gone through the same, and that you matter, means a BIG DEAL. People love you, bro. And, even though we all have been in a different situation to think we might kill ourselves, we've been there and through it.
I hope others that read my statement check out Burns' books also.
There's a great part of Dr. David Burns' Feeling Good book that covers Self Esteem: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?\_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
It's a marathon, not a sprint.
Also, check this out and examine your thoughts for bad patterns.
There are a lot of good self-help books that help you apply these principles yourself. It's common for therapists to recommend them during the lag before a first appointment, and a significant number of patients make enough progress on their own with a book like this to not need therapy.
I'm not particularly recommending that one. I did use it once, but it was years ago. It was very helpful to me.
Until you get help , you have to rely on online resources ...if you have internet, you have hope:
they only work in relation to the amount of time actually doing them and doing the exercise.
https://www.youtube.com/c/TherapyinaNutshell Best free therapy videos online... better than any person i saw in real life honestly lol.
- book always calms me down
Book really works if you actually do the execises, says for "depression: but its for everything"
oh a lot...but they only work in relation to the amount of time actually doing them and doing the exercise.
https://www.youtube.com/c/TherapyinaNutshell Best free therapy videos online... better than any person i saw in real life honestly lol.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7b39o9a61E - book always calms me down
I just spent some time Googling around to try and find you a good summary and I couldn't. Perhaps even more reason to simplify it in game form! But yeah I learned everything from the Feeling Good book, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Also, thanks for the kind words!
Here's a really good book about it, it may be at your library: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B009UW5X4C/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title
I'll try my best to explain some of it. I really only read about the first third of the book to get the basics. Basically, a person would try to "interrupt" a reaction to a feeling, like anger or negative self-talk. The flow works like: A) something crappy happens B) you interpret how to react to it C) You feel bad. You're trying to change B). Here's some of the unhealthy types of thinking that are negatively involved with B)
It's really helped me a lot, though it takes a lot of practice.
Bro refer these books. :-
Feeling Good: The new Mood Therapy by David D. Burns
You are not your Brain by Dr Jeffery Schwartz MD and Rebecca Glading MD
If you are interested in CBT, here's where I'd recommend learning more.
Great interview with a CBT founder David Burns and Tom Bilyeu, who has also done awesome interviews with Wim Hof!
Or these books that are amazing to work through on your own: Feeling Good, or it's 30 year follow-up which is even better, Feeling Great.
This book has had the greatest positive impact on my mental health of anything else I've done: Feeling Good by David Burns.
Please give it (or cognitive behavior therapy in general) a try if you're struggling with mental health and other things haven't helped or seem to only work as a temporary fix. I stumbled on it years ago during a rough time and almost wrote it off as a cheesy self-help book (which it's really not, it's a therapeutic method that's been rigorously developed, studied, and tested by numerous mental health practitioners), but out of desperation decided to give it a try, and it's not hyperbolic to say that it single-handedly changed my life for the better.
I think what makes this book's approach so effective is that it enables you to get at the root of the cause of various mental health issues and address them in a rational, believable way. It's all about how to examine a situation, identify and act on the aspects of it that you can control, identify and address the ways in which your thinking patterns may be making things worse, and make peace with the fact that sometimes life just isn't that great but that you can live with that and still find ways to be happy. To me it's like the serenity prayer turned into a framework for navigating life.
That said, it takes time and work - there are written exercises to do (and they're crucial to the process) and even now years later I reread the book and do the exercises when I feel I need it; this isn't a "just press a button on an app and a soothing voice will guide you through a 10-minute meditation and then everything will be great" or "sit on a sofa talking about your childhood and then you'll have some kind of breakthrough and magically feel better" type of thing; it's a systematic reworking of your perspective and attitude that takes time to become instinctive but pays dividends in the long run. And ultimately people are different, so it might not be for everyone, to be sure. But I really think it's worth a try, especially for those who are more skeptical/analytical.
Sorry for the long-winded suggestion, this is just something that's been so impactful for me and that imo could be beneficial for a lot of people but isn't recommended nearly enough.
Let me offer some non-professional advice from someone who has studied a lot of psychology.
(1) Begin a program of mindful meditation. Why? Because the long-term psychological benefits of this are extreme. Check out some good blogs articles on it, and begin with 10 minutes per day. It's not goal directed so don't expect to see immediate benefits, but you should feel more calm and in control over time.
(2) Begin journalling. Spend a few minutes per day writing about what you are experiencing, your frustrations, weaknesses, strengths, etc. Like mindfulness above, this will help you get reconnected with who you are and it will help you sort through your problems.
(3) Learn how to physically relax. Physical relaxation is a big gateway to hypnosis, lucid dreaming, as well as fixing phobias and anxiety. It will also help you sleep if you are having problems with that now.
(4) Get some good books on self-esteem or depression. I highly recommend Feeling Good by David Burns. This is a self-help book for depression that comes from a CBT perspective and it should help you with some basics.
(5) Get a good book on overcoming drug addictions. I don't know any references, but you could do a Google search on it.
(6) Shift what enters your mind from negative to positive. Less social media and more positive stuff. Go for a hike, etc. Read Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson.
(7) Spend more time with the following three people: (1) A family member who loves you know matter what, (2) an older person who you trust that can act as a mentor or advisor or just someone you admire, and (3) a friend you can be yourself around, but who isn't an enabler for any bad habits.
(8) Get with a support group or therapist. Professional counseling is available for free if you look for it.
(9) Go to church. I know people have a lot of issues when you bring up God and religion, but a lot of that is not correct, useful, or relevant. God loves you. A lot. A good church (yes there are really good ones out there along with really bad ones) will accept you for who you are. The last church I was in had several alcoholics on the board and was a huge supporter of AA giving them free use of the church for four groups every week. My current church's pastor is a recovering alcoholic with many members who struggle with alcohol, drug, and sexual addictions. They run a weekly recovering group with trained counselors. Good Christians know they aren't perfect.
(10) Exercise. Again, like mindfulness meditation above, the positive psychological benefits of exercise are huge.
I know I can't help you with the specifics of your problem, but everything above is sound advice based upon the last 100 years (or more) of psychology. You can get through this. Don't hesitate to reach out for help in your community.
First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you all are struggling and you should feel good about reaching out for help. That means you're both ready to make a change and just acknowledging that is huge.
Like many here are saying, psychologist would be a good start. In most cases, they are not licensed to prescribe medication. But they can help assess and make referrals to a psychiatrist, which is a possible source of prescription treatment. Another followup might be your family doctor:
Does your husband have a GP or family doctor? They will often take a sick visit to listen to your problems and start you on an introductory dose of something that is not habit-forming, like an SSRI (Zoloft, etc.) They should also be willing to have followup visits to discuss any side effects from the meds. Any good GP will also encourage you to find a therapist and can help provide referrals.
And just a side note - if you connect with a GP who suggests benzos (Clonazepam/Klonopin) look for another route. Benzos are effective, but it's so easy to become addicted. Depression just makes it that much easier to get hooked. Maintenance dosing of benzos has been linked to dementia, etc.
The Psychology Today search engine has been useful for me in the past. You can filter by insurance accepted and location and so on. It can be a tedious process of sending emails and calls out to therapists to see if they can work with you, but it's so worth it. Most are open to meeting by phone or video chat these days, so it's perfectly safe.
Does your partner like to read? If so, he can literally pick up a book called Feeling Good today. It's pretty dated, but just reading some material that validates the way he might be feeling can be sort of a booster shot in confidence that feeling better is possible. It's written by one of the early pioneers of CBT therapy, which a lot of modern psychology fundamentals are built on.
Source: my self-care is a combination of therapy with a licensed counselor + prescription managed with my GP.
Just thought I’d drop this here, because it really helped me, as long as you have $10, the ability to read, and a shipping address or kindle, it’s like CBT in a box:
No worries, we all do better when we help each other out :)
It's good you're not giving up yet. Just keep experimenting and trying things out. Your first job might be pretty tough, but people have all sorts of unusual career paths that end up in interesting places. Keep your eye out for people with similar backgrounds to you who seem to enjoy their work and maybe ask them how they got there. Skilled trades like plumbing or electrician might be a good route to try to get into eventually because you can often work independently (so you keep all the money you earn) and apparently the work can be quite interesting (though I don't really know anything about these fields). And try to enjoy the rest of your life outside work - then even if work is bad, it doesn't matter so much.
You said that you're not sure whether there's any way to get out of your mindset. I've found cognitive behavioural therapy really helpful for this. It's all about getting a more reasonable view of life and not seeing everything so negative. If you can't access free therapy, there are books where you can do it yourself. I found the book feeling good really helpful for this. There's a free pdf of it here. It's kind of a cheesy title, but it's not about faking positive thinking. It's more about getting a view of life that's not distorted by overly negative thoughts. Maybe you can also seek out the happiest people at whatever job you end up in, and ask them how they manage it.
You said in another comment that you can't get therapy at the moment. One alternative is books. Cognitive behavioural therapy is the therapy with the best evidence for its effectiveness, and there are books on how to do it yourself. The best one is probably feeling good, which has been shown by scientific studies to help depression. There's a copy of it online here. I've used it and found it very effective.
And for any issue you have, you can probably find a cognitive behavioural therapy book on it. For example, you can google 'cbt for addiction book' and find lots of options.
One thing you could try is to see how you can squeeze as much value out of school. Schools are often really bad at teaching, especially for more able students. So it's understandable that you're fed up of the boring worksheets etc. But perhaps you can find a way to get some value out of it. One way would be to have a project to work on in class, like one other commenter suggested.
Another option would be to make a game out of getting good grades. Yes, the system is dumb, but you can treat it like a game of trying to get maximum grades with minimum effort and gain satisfaction out of being efficient.
Another option is to try to kickstart your curiosity. It sounds like you find a lot of it easy and boring. But the easy and boring work you're being assigned is probably a watered down version of something a lot more interesting.
For example, say you were studying the causes of the second world war in history class and they give you a shitty worksheet to do where you basically write down a bunch of obvious things that the teachers have told you. You could make it a lot more interesting by challenging yourself to really think about tough questions like 'how do we work out what caused events in history when we're unable to run an alternative timeline?', 'how do I know when I can trust a historical source to be telling the truth?', or 'How might the teacher be wrong and how would I know?'. Or maybe you could go on /r/AskHistorians and asked questions about things you are interested in. Or go and find books in the library that are more interesting than what you're learning in class.
If you do this in subjects where you have a teacher that actually cares about the subject, you can then have interesting conversations with them about what you've been thinking about.
Also, keep experimenting. Everyone's mental health issues are slightly different, and there are lots of options out there. So keep trying different things until you find stuff that works.
You could try this book
I've been working through it and feel like it's been helping. There's some evidence that using it on your own could be beneficial but it's probably better to use it with a therapist if you can.
David Burns, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Based on cognitive behavioral therapy, the idea that your thoughts affect your emotions. Good luck.
Have you heard of "stinking thinking" or cognitive behavioral therapy? It is based on the belief that whatever inner monologue you have (whatever stuff you tell yourself) is what you are going to believe.
Generally, there are about 10 categories that our negative thoughts fall into. The trick is to slow your thoughts down enough (by meditating and staying away from stuff that makes you angry/feel helpless) that you can notice your thought patterns.
The Feeling Good book and workbook are very good ways to identify thought patterns and figure out how to answer them.
This book has been around forever, you can get it for 1 cent if you buy is used on Amazon.
The Feeling Good Workbook-- 13 cents used.
Stinking thought patterns that I see you have:
Forecasting the future--I'm afraid the court will assist the mom.
Mental filter--The court was biased before, so it will always be that way.
Labelling--the judge is a family friend of my wife, so I already know that she is going to be biased against me.
You don't have to agree with my assessments.
You're not alone. Millions of people feel just like you do, it just that the people around you don't understand. The things that has helped me in the past is therapy, meditation, creating a support network, taking better care of myself (making sure I ate well, sleep enough hours, etc.), exercise. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) exercise and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) exercises have also helped me a lot.
Here a link about what is CBT: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx
And here is a link for CBT worksheets. If you don't have access to a therapist or a therapist trained in CBT you can still get the benefits of CBT by doing a CBT worksheet: http://psychology.tools/anxiety.html
My old therapist also had me read "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C?ie=UTF8&keywords=david%20burns&qid=1465227795&ref_=sr_1_1&s=books&sr=1-1
Here is a pdf about more information about ACT: http://www.people.ku.edu/~tkrieshok/epsy888/act_cliff_notes.pdf
Russ Harris's book "The Happiness Trap" goes into more detail about ACT: http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
If you're skinny, Stronglifts 5x5, blender bottle, whey protein, sleep, and calories
If you're chubby, eat under 50 grams of carbs a day, a normal amount of protein, and the rest as fat. (Leads to a variety of scientifically proven benefits, including better sleep, lower blood pressure, more mental energy, and mood stabilization similar to lithium)
If you're fantastic looking, get a good wardrobe and haircut, and read/listen to this.
If you're still not up to it mentally, perhaps read listen to this:
Avoid Zoloft. For me, the worst of a mediocre/bad lot. Before you go the chemical route, try reading this book. My therapist recommended it to me, and it really helped me out. Actually, I felt better after finishing one chapter.
It's been in print for years, so it's probably available at the local library.
I 100% recommend this book. It's cognitive therapy in book form and no ones advice here can really help you, help her. She needs professional help, but this book can supplement that professional help while she waits.
Check out a used book store or buy on line.
I would highly recommend reading Feeling Good
The good news is that anxiety, guilt, pessimism, procrastination, low self-esteem, and other 'black holes' of depression can be cured without drugs. In Feeling Good, eminent psychiatrist David D. Burns, M.D. outlines the remarkable, scientifically proven techniques that will immediately lift your spirits and help you develop a positive outlook on life.
Now, in this updated edition, Dr Burns adds an all-new Consumer's Guide To Antidepressant Drugs, as well as a new introduction to help answer your questions about the many options available for treating depression.
Recognise what causes your mood swings.
Nip negative feelings in the bud.
Deal with guilt.
Handle hostility and criticism.
Overcome addiction to love and approval.
Feel good everyday.