We read this book - it helped both of us understand what the other is going through. It made me understand that what I was feeling wasn't crazy. It explains that some people need all of the details to get through it. She is going to be uncomfortable - suck it up buttercup. It may help both of you.
Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting® Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair
Michele Weiner-Davis
I think you're doing well so far.
The wound is still fresh, don't make any drastic life-altering decisions. Take it one day at a time.
Avoid the temptation to try to "punish" her. If you need her to make some concessions like with her phone or whatever because that's what you need to survive right now, make sure you're doing it because it's what you need. You both need to be a team if you're going to reconcile.
I'm not sure if you saw my book recommendations from your last thread, but I'll repeat them here: Healing From Infidelity by Michele Weiner-Davis is like field medicine, it's meant to stop the bleeding and it's almost like individual/couples counseling on its own (as in, it has different messages for each of you for different stages of your recovery. Whereas Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is like long-term care, a deeper read meant to help you get more understanding.
I'm going into this with the idea that you'd like to reconcile. Disregard if you've given up on it.
The grief she's going through is normal.
> Why would you tell me that you are grieving losing the guy you cheated on me with?
She brought it up and she's going through a lot of stuff herself, and she thought therapy would be an appropriate place to talk about it. The most appropriate place to bring up grieving over the affair partner is never, but the second-most appropriate place would probably be therapy.
> Whats the point of telling me, is it to tell me how important I am to her?
The answer to this is: she's processing things. She's not sure what to process privately and what to process out loud. You heard out loud something that should have probably be left unsaid. It's an emotional thing, she's in pain, it's her pain to deal with, but she thought to try to share that pain with you, her husband. This situation is kind of a unique situation where you really can't support her with that pain, though.
> Then why cheat? Is it manipulation?
I can't really dive into this one, but no she's not automatically trying to manipulate you. The reasons for "why cheat" are numerous. None justified, but numerous.
> I really dont want her to grieve so maybe its time to stop her grieving and serve her with papers so that she can be with her true love?
Try not to take this the wrong way, but you're being overdramatic here. I get where you're coming from, but this is black-or-white thinking. The idea that if she strayed, then the other guy must be her real true love, and she must belong with him, and therefore she didn't really love you, and therefore everything bad you're thinking is justified... it's not a healthy way of looking at it. It's almost a form of emotional self-harm.
That said, she should absolutely keep her grief, and getting over it, private.
> I am at a loss here guys, how do I even respond to this? Do I have to console her now? Give her space?
You do not have to (nor should you) console her. It's not okay.
Take it one day at a time.
> Is the relationship even worth salvaging if I have to see her grieve the guy she cheated on me with?
It's up to you whether you think it's worth salvaging. It is a completely reasonable thing to tell her that she can't grieve him in front of you, that she has to keep that shit private. Eventually she'll get over it.
You're going to be hyper vigilant for a while, and that's normal. If you wind up making demands of her, like access to her devices, location tracking, etc, that's normal too (though in the long run, it can't be forever). That sort of mistrust, at this time, is okay. She's got a lot of work to do. But as a couple, there's stuff that you'll wind up processing together.
If I may, I'd like to recommend a couple of books for you.
The first book is Healing From Infidelity by Michele Weiner-Davis. It's constructed in a very specific way, you're not meant to get through the book in one go. The first chapters are for right now, and there's a chapter for you and a chapter for her (you're allowed to read each others' chapters). Then there's a pair of chapters for once the dust has settled. Some tertiary chapters - one for her if you just won't forgive, and one for you if she won't end the affair. And there are some longer-term chapters for each of you as well. It gives you immediate actionable advice you can look into, if both of you want to save your marriage.
The second book is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It's a more analytical book that will help you (BOTH of you) understand each other better. It's a deeper (and longer) read.
If your wife's affair is a wound, I'd compare Healing From Infidelity to field medicine, meant to stop the bleeding, while Not Just Friends is more like long-term care.