What is Reddit's opinion of Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma?

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oof i can’t say i relate but i can imagine how frustrating that is for you. it sounds related to that trauma response where people replay abuse through relationships that have a similar dynamic which i’m definitely guilt of too.

i have this book called healing sex. i think it may be hetero focused but maybe still helpful to you even if that’s not you. author is a csa survivor.

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933

i can relate and i’m working through the same things. unfortunately i don’t have advice because i’m still in this mess but someone recommended me this book that i have been reading parts of and i’ve found it comprehensive and insightful.

This book might help educate you and your husband. Trauma is forever. I am not saying this because it's a death sentence. Trauma lives in our bodies and it takes time and patience to heal. Have you thought about a sex therapist who can help teach your husband to be emotionally supportive of you? Again, you can have a "normal" sex life, it just sounds like something is still there. Can you find a therapist around you who provides a sliding scale fee?

I'm glad you're going to therapy and sorting through these feelings, and it sounds like you're well on your way. As someone who has been through this journey myself, there's a couple things I can recommend:

1. This book, Healing Sex, is specifically about sex for you as a survivor. It's more of a practical book and helps you figure out what your boundaries are, what your desires are, how to know when you're uncomfortable, etc. as well as a good introduction to different kinds of activities (kissing and touching, oral, penetrative sex, some kinks) and how to have safe sex. I haven't read it straight through, rather I've used it as a reference.

2. Ask your therapist if they can recommend a support group. This can be a great supplement to your weekly talk therapy. All support groups are organized a little different, so if there's options in your area, I think it would be worth going to each one and deciding if you have a favorite/one that you're most comfortable in. The general idea, though, is that everyone will get a few minutes to share how they feel and afterwards you can "socialize" and perhaps make a friend or two who you can call if you need to talk. That's not to say you're not welcome to post here, but sometimes it can feel better to speak with someone who has been through what you've been through.

3. If you're in the US, you can also call the RAINN hotline to talk any time, and I think they can help you locate resources in your area (support groups and maybe more). I've used the hotline before in a crisis and they are excellent.

I hear you on the casual sex thing. I didn't become sexually active until the end of college and I immediately discarded the whole concept of casual sex for me - felt too risky/dangerous. But as it happens, an opportunity for casual sex that I couldn't refuse presented itself to me last year and I took it. It was great making the other person feel really good, but like you, I discovered that trust is hugely important for my own pleasure. Though I wanted to get off, I simply could not enjoy this person touching me like that. Still glad I did it, though, because now I know!

This is an energetic issue for some people. I don't know if this will resonate for you but this is my experience with having gone through a similar thing. I was sexually abused when I was quite young. Of all the people I've met who are sexual abuse survivors many (if not all of us) learned to send out sexual signals to others.

You are almost trained to be a "sex worker" of a sort (in a abusive way) when you're a sexually abused repeatedly. As an adult engaging in sex (or even flirting) you may even know intuitively what your partners want. For me it used to feel almost "telepathic" even. I used to describe myself as a shapeshifter because I could always be what someone wanted me to be in bed. At the time that felt like "power" to me and it was cathartic to fuck people and leave them. That was my "thing".

What I didn't realize though was that I was attracting a specific kind of person to me over and over again. I thought I was using them and really they were using me right back. It wasn't powerful like I thought it was. I was actually very vulnerable. I didn't see it this way but looking back 20 years later, that's how I see it now.

For years I was only attracted to men who were emotionally unavailable and treated me like shit. This abusive patterns was the emotional make-up of my abusers. Like all kids do, I mimicked their behavior. Non-abused kids also mimic the behavior of the adults around them, it's just a thing that kids do. My energy was sending out a signal that I wanted a certain kind of guy to pay attention to me. I know this is the case because I since changed and I don't attract those kinds of people.

Energetically, you can make certain shifts in how you run your sexual energy. This is harder than it sounds. It's a lot of trauma work and working with dissociation. Dissociation is the minds way of protecting a person from experiencing pain. It's that state that occurs when people "check out" or even a lesser extreme form of dissociation is day dreaming. Most people who are survivors of sexual abuse dissociate a lot, almost as the everyday norm. So if you want to change your energy, you have to address your body, your sexual boundaries, your sexual needs (including when you actually don't want to have sex with people).

It took me years, YEARS.. to figure out that most of the time I didn't want to fuck the people that hit on me. I didn't know it was an option to say "no". I didn't know how to say no. My body was trained to always just say "yes" and actually addressing that at the somatic level took time and patience. It was like reprograming myself. You can hear this and intellectually "get it" but on the somatic level, it can take a long time to integrate things.

So if any of this resonates what I recommend you do is to read this book. It's by Staci Haines and it's called, Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma. This book will give you the language in which to understand the concepts and mechanisms of what sexual abuse does to your body (and energy). Furthermore it will give you resources on how to heal.

I've read all the sexual abuse self-help books and in my opinion this was the best one because it's that visceral-energetic kind of approach. It's not just "it's not your fault" quote that everyone states, it actually gets into how to heal and how to change your patterns.

IFS, Walking the Tiger by Peter Levine (there is actually a free audiobook of this on YouTube), and the book Healing Sex: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933 were all very helpful to me!

You sound like a great partner. Reading this, I still expected you to say something about not seeing a future with her if you can't be physical (simply because I've been in her shoes, and that has been said to me and a ton of my friends with similar pasts). I'm glad to see the root is you want her wellbeing.

Healing Sex is a book that helped me tremendously as a survivor to understand what happened, how to come back from it, and how to introduce other people into my intimate life. There's even a section for foreplay and sexual activities that are very subtle, slow, trust-building and it might help her to see them written down step-by-step so there's nothing spontaneous in your bedroom interactions. This can be an extremely helpful way for her to start learning what she's comfortable with, what her boundaries are, how to communicate them with you. Definitely start with a safe word! If you want to do more reading to understand PTSD, I highly recommend The Body Keeps the Score.

I am usually loathe to SAY something to anyone on this sub. I much prefer to pose questions for others to think about. Having said that I am going to risk sticking my neck out and be a bit provocative.

You repeatedly say that your body is, to paraphrase, letting you down eg >My body screamed NO >My body still doesn't want it. >I'm so mad at my body

I would suggest that it is all in your mind and your mind is controlling your body. Your body relies on your mind in so many ways that you can't comprehend and in a way that's okay because when things are good there is no need to think about how your mind controls your body, you just accept it for what it is to the extent you aren't even aware of it.

So, if that is true what does it mean? Well, it possibly means that your mind is fighting your mind. Your mind is conflicted. How is that possible? Well, your mind operates at different levels, basically at an instinctive level and at a rational level. Your rational mind tells you that sex is good, that you love it, that it fulfils your need for love at a practical level and that it fulfils your husband's need for love at a practical level too and that help you understand that he loves you.

Unfortunately, at an instinctive level, those parts of the brain that drive and control instinct, to prime you to survive to avoid the causes of pain and pain often comes from experiences that are about your ability to survive or thrive. That drive is incredibly powerful and will often overcome your rational mind or sabotage it in some way. It is often very difficult for your rational mind to tell your instinctive mind that what it is telling your rational self does not have to be true. That in essence what that internal psychological struggle about it. That is possibly where you are. You give some hints to it eg

>I love sex. I know I do.

That is your rational mind talking to you, probably most often when actual sex isn't imminent, but when sex is imminent then your instinctive mind intrudes more and more and that is despite the fact that your rational mind tells you that you only experience pain 1% of the times you have sex, but that is powerful enough to bring on the intrusion of your instinctive mind and that is reinforced by past experiences where it was a lot more frequent especially when with your ex who was aggressive about it. Pain associated with an aggressive attitude towards you can result in acute levels of anxiety and stress. It is a threat to your well-being.

It sounds as if you have made small steps towards coping with this but psychologically you still have a foot in the two different parts of your mind, the instinctive mind and the rational mind. Ideally, you want your rational mind to be predominant so that when your instinctive mind kicks in it is only when the threat to your well-being is real, rather than perceived. When it is perceived ie not real it becomes real because your instinctive mind tells you it is real, even though it is not.

So, where do you go from here? Maybe more appropriately Where can you go, where do you want to go? Well, that is one of the typical questions I put, where do you want to go? Do you feel that things have improved and are improving but haven't improved as much as you might like and that it is a bit haphazard?

The focus in your post is about sex being about penetration. For a lot of people I guess it is ie it's the culmination, the conclusion to sex. However, it doesn't have to be, it isn't for many people. What about non-penetrative sex? What about oral sex? What if instead of turning down sex at the prospect of penetrative sex you agree instead, between you, to engage in non-penetrative sex either to climax or not?

Have you considered seeking specialized sex therapy for those who have experienced sexual trauma because that is what I would suggest you have experienced? On those occasions when you dread engaging in penetrative sex what feelings do you feel? I mean not in terms of your body ie your genitals letting you down but those sensations in your stomach, your chest, your legs, your head?

Have you done any research through the Internet about how other women have dealt with sexual assault and sexual trauma? I would recommend it.

Imagine reaching a point where instead of anticipating whether you are going to experience pain you are genuinely surprised on those occasions when you do experience pain or discomfort? That could still be 1% of the times you engage in penetrative sex, all that would have changed is how you instinctively find yourself thinking about it. Painful sex should be a surprise, not inevitable.

PS. From a practical perspective think about Sensate Focus and prolonged foreplay. Rushed sex, where you squeeze it into the time available to you, doesn't sound it's for you.

Overcoming Sexual Assault: Symptoms & Recovery | Psychology Today

Recovering from Rape and Sexual Trauma: Tips for Healing after Sexual Assault

How Can I Heal From Sexual Trauma & Learn To Orgasm? - mindbodygreen

How survivors of sexual assault find pleasure in sex again - The Globe and Mail

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma: Staci Haines: 9781573442930: Amazon.com: Books

I recommend this book

I highly recommend the book Healing Sex. I've read a lot of sexual assault/abuse survivor self-help books, but this is the only one that ever made me go "oh. fuck. that's exactly what I experience".

It's been just under two years since I got out of a horrible abusive relationship (as if there's any other kind). Your description of having sensations that vanish with proximity to your vagina sounds a lot like what I experience. I don't want to bullshit you and say everything is perfect now, but it is sooooooo much better. Two years ago, I basically never actually felt what was going on with my genitals. I could orgasm, but if I tried to pay attention to the physical sensations I came up with nothing. It was like answering the phone and there being silence on the other end.

>[B]uilding your tolerance for being in your body and experiencing physical pleasure is a central component of this healing. This is an intentional practice, especially in the beginning... >—Staci Haines, Healing Sex

It turns out that what I was experiencing is called dissociation. My concept of dissociation had been limited to the extreme examples in the DSM, such as dissociative fugue. Because I'd never wandered off and forgotten my name, I didn't think of dissociation as consistent with my experience. In actuality, dissociation encompasses a huge range of experiences; persistent feelings of disconnection from one's body is one of them. (Lots of time at the library going "fuuuuuck... that's not normal???" has revealed that even more of my experiences than that are dissociative, but that would be a lengthy tangent. Anyone reading this, please PM if you want to talk further about dissociation!)

Using several of the techniques and exercises in Healing Sex, I started to be able to feel more sensation. Honestly, at first, this was terrifying as fuck. I dived in sort of all at once, and ended up having a severe flashback. After that, I slowed down and I also talked with my partner about what I had been discovering and what I strategies I was trying. As I had rudely learned the first time I tried it, actually feeling things in this traumatized area of my body was overwhelming (spoiler alert: that explains why I'd been unconsciously blocking it out for years). It took about six months to get to a place where I could consistently feel full genital sensations without getting flashbacks.

What I had the most difficulty with was continuing to tolerate sensations after I had finished the activities that caused them. Everything would feel amazing during sex, but when I would start to "come down" the lingering tingly sensations would turn menacing and trigger a flashback, which was especially hard to deal with while my brain wasn't quite clear yet. It was often really helpful to have my partner place their hand over my vulva and hold firm and still (because that kind of pressure was a familiar and nonthreatening feeling); we would stay cuddling like this until all of the other sensations had passed. Verbally describing the sensations also helped. And the simple reassurance that everything was safe was important.

Now, the post-orgasm high is my favorite part of sex. Of course I love the orgasms (and they've gotten better and better too!), but the sustained whole-body tingling and brain fogginess afterwards are utter bliss. I still usually need reassurance that I'm safe, but it is consistently completely effective. When I feel slivers of panic creeping in, I'll ask, "Are you sure it's safe?" or, "I'm so tingly. That's good, right?" and their confirmation is enough to let me sink back into making little happy noises. They usually offer proactive reassurances as well.

In the last year, I haven't had a single post-sex flashback. AND Feeling my entire body during sex is the norm. The journey has been hard, and during the six months of frequent flashbacks I often felt like I was losing ground, but it has been so worth it. Words couldn't do justice to how wonderful sex is now. I can have mind-blowing pleasure any time I want. Because, I almost forgot to mention, masturbating also feels fucking incredible. I used to be a maybe-once-a-month masturbator, and I usually ended up feeling like it had been a waste of effort anyway. Now I masturbate daily. I would go at it more than once a day, but the brain floatiness makes me useless for anything else, so I mostly stick to just evenings. ;)

I hope my story has served as some encouragement. Please feel free to contact me if you have any desire to. I'm wishing you all the best, and I believe in you. <3

To end with another quote from Staci, >Your own sexual energy is not too big for you now.