"We went over for dinner and sure enough, like proper WASPs my parents had suddenly decided to be accepting and to pretend this was never a point of contention at all." This made me laugh. I've spent my whole life in Texas and the whole, 'What? Why, I never!' mentality of family acceptance here is hilarious.
It's wonderful to hear that you and yours are so supportive. The one thing I would encourage, though you are thankfully already aware of this, is that you keep in mind he just wants to live a normal life. Given that he's begun socially transitioning already, I don't imagine this being a problem, but sometimes people react to new trans people they've met with aggressive allyship that gets in the way of living in a nondescript manner. I got to college and my first roommate immediately decided she was going to take me thrift shopping and dress me up. It sounds like your son is comfortable with saying, "No," and correcting people, which is a very important skill and something I have missed a lot of my life having grown up here.
I started socially transitioning when I was 16 and I'm now 2 months on T at 23, so my experience has been really drawn out in the understanding of younger guys nowadays--the number of posts on here along the lines of, "I'm 14, am I too late? Will I die alone?" makes me feel OLD in "trans time." But I have a couple friends who never experienced female puberty, as it seems your son might. I would just prepare yourselves for the impact of this as he grows older and becomes interested in dating, and the complexities of dating as a transman, and be there for him. That's likely a ways off, but it has brought some of my friends a lot of grief. You sound like a wonderful father and I would just encourage you to provide a space for your son to vent his concerns as needed.
When I discovered I was trans I read quite a lot of literature to understand what was going on. My favorite book on trans kids was Helping Your Transgender Teen. That was in 2010 or 2011, and I'm certain there are far more resources out there for you all, but I thought I'd throw it in.
First off, you sound like an incredible step parent and I’m excited for you to be able to support your stepkid fully when they do decide to come out to you. Before I delve into recommendations for dealing with them, I want to suggest that you seek out your local PFLAG chapter (if there is one). They often run support groups for parents of trans kids and are great places to swap resources and advice.
As far as breaching the subject, it depends on how your stepkid is but I would advise against directly asking but it seems like you know not to do that anyway. A good subtle way to bring it up may be to find a piece of (not negative) news about trans people, or else a piece of media about trans people, and talk about it in a positive light but in a natural way. Like, if you never talk about interesting stuff you’ve seen or read then obviously it would be a weird thing to suddenly do.
You could also leave pages about supporting your trans kid open on computers/tablets if you have a shared family device, or even buy a book like this one (my mom’s favorite) and leave it somewhere conspicuous, although that may be too forward haha. I like the idea of leaving Trans Tape or KT Tape around but it’s possible that they don’t know what that is and won’t connect the dots.
Maybe you could also take them shopping for clothes and casually suggest checking out the men’s section (if they don’t already get clothes there and like to dress in masculine clothes).
Just like. Stuff like that which would make it clear that you are a safe person to come out? But also, speaking as someone who came out to my parents at 15 knowing full well that they would be accepting, it’s still really scary and hard to bring up even if you know you will get a positive reaction. It never feels like the right time, etc. If you wait for your stepkid to come to you even after you’ve done stuff to make it clear that you’re safe, you may be waiting a long time. It’s important to also give an invitation for them to come out without making it feel like you’re interrogating them, which is tricky but you seem to get that and maybe that’s why you’re here haha.
I and probably lots of other people would be happy to bounce ideas back and forth with you, and to follow up on stuff as the situation progresses.
I did not come out until I was 25, because it was not safe for me to do so and I was scared. My mother knew all along, but had a lot of fears, she still does. I get it, it can be scary and the world can be harsh. Try to not focus on those fears but to empower your son to have autonomy, boundaries, and to create safety, without fear.
I’m now a law student, with a human rights fellowship, a near full ride scholarship, a beautiful home, and an even more beautiful wife. I have certainly experienced hardship because of my gender, but I’ve also created a beautiful life that provides me joy and safety.
I’ve learned how to advocate for myself, to ask for what I need, to draw boundaries with people and situations that aren’t safe, and to take the measures I need to to protect myself without living in fear.
Do not let your fear override all your other emotions. Educate yourself, as others have said. There are people who are just assholes about being trans, and there are those who are just uneducated. There are those who just “get” it and make me feel so safe. Work to understand what gender is. You’ve likely never had to examine this. To understand that we live in a binary system. You either enjoy being feminine and doing girly things or you enjoy being masculine and doing boyish things. Some people fall in the middle, but many fall into the binary.
Notice you can enjoy doing boyish things without having “boy” parts. It’s completely normal. Next, once you understand that, I’d really educate yourself on pronouns, hormone therapy, gender surgeries, trans issues in general, and teaching your son how to draw boundaries, if that’s not something you’ve taught him already. Also, teaching him cues for what’s a safe person/situation and what is not.
He needs you as his parent to guide him through these things and you need to educate yourself to do that.
I’ll expound upon an example of what I’m saying; My in laws do not understand gender. They have not gotten my pronouns right a single time since I came out. They have asked me “why” questions about why I’m on testosterone and “why” I want a beard. Their lack of education shines through. It makes me SO uncomfortable. They have good hearts and I know they do. I’m old enough to draw boundaries with them and tell them to cut their shit and put them in your place. Your son is likely not. It will shine through to him if you don’t educate yourself. It will effect him. Even if you have a good heart and good intentions. It will shine through all of that if you don’t understand it and educate yourself.
I’m not sure where your nearest PFLAG meeting is at, but most are virtual, that would be a good place to start. A support meeting for parents. Here is a good video to get you started:
https://pflag.org/genderbasicsrecording
https://pflag.org/pflag-academy-demand/supporting-trans-nonbinary-loved-ones-what-would-you-do-recording-training Peruse other videos here:
https://pflag.org/tags/parents
A good book:
https://www.amazon.com/Helping-Your-Transgender-Teen-Parents/dp/069201229X
Other books here:
The first step to understanding would be to read the literature out there. These free resources from PFLAG are a good start, as is this book. It should give you at least an idea of where they're coming from.
Next up, find some parents who are in a good place to talk to. Not your own. If you're in the US, PFLAG would be your best bet to find some people. They'll be able to tell you what they experienced, what helped them, etc. I really recommend getting your parents in on PFLAG meetings and talking to other families as well, as it's one of the most helpful things aside from time for parents to come around and be strong allies/advocates for their trans kid(s).
Anyway, here's my perspective, which I've gleaned from having a great relationship from my PFLAG tiger mom (who runs a parent support group and does trainings at schools and business around my state).
Parents project a life onto their kid from the moment they find out they're going to have one. They fantasize about you going to school, getting a job, finding love, getting married, having your own kids, etc. All as the gender you're assigned. Those fantasies are the reasons parents struggle with any wrench thrown into the idealized life they have pictured, including mental illness, disability, chronic illness, bullying, behavioral problems, substance use, being an atheist (if they're religious), being LGBT, etc. The instant stuff starts to go different from what they've had pictured, that whole picture crumbles. And when it crumbles, they worry that you're going to have a hard life and will never be happy etc.
That picture crumbling is what a lot of parents describe as "grieving." It's an ugly word and seems melodramatic, and is maybe not quite the perfect way to put it, but even the most accepting parents go through an adjustment period where they have to let go of the happy future they'd laid out for you. It's hard for them, and where a lot of parents get stuck in trying to make their kids' transition about themselves and how it affects them.
On the flipside, (most) parents also just want you to be happy. The mainstream understanding of trans people is not happy. At worst, they think it's a weird sex thing and worry their kid is mentally ill. At best, all they can think about are how dangerous it is to be trans. There's violence, and there are Scary Medical Things like hormones and surgery (which, if they Google, they are likely to come across fear mongering TERF discourse about how ~harmful~ medical transition is). So they hope it's just a phase and Everything Will Go Back to Normal so you don't have to be a Miserable Trans Person.
Hope that makes sense. I can talk a little more about it/clarify things, but this felt a little scattered and long-winded so I figured I'd stop now.