Question on the Emotionally Focused Therapy for relationships.
It is described in the book "Hold me tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson.
Does it do all that book claims to do? Are there other working methods and if yes - how does EFT rates in terms of success?
If you want to understand what love means (scientifically!) and prevent long term relation pitfalls, read this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/1491513810
IMHO, the rest of the advice in this thread is anecdotal and not comprehensive.
What are the things that make you want to stay with him? If they are worth fighting for than fight for it!
If you feel like there is nothing left, it might be best to move on.
I read a book, and if he is willing, you two should read it together and see if you guys can do this. Hold Me Tight . It is also available on audible if you guys aren’t readers.
You guys are currently hurting each other. And while it’s not ok to name call, you have to understand that he probably didn’t know what else to do. You probably felt the same when you said you were going to cheat on him. In the book I recommended,they call this Demon Dialogue, it can be overcome if both you and him are willing.
>I thought that working on my alcohol issue would improve the fighting in my relationship but it hasn't. ... it is what it is.
I'd like to gently push back on that. Don't resign yourself to being in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs and stings of conflict. Look into Emotionally Focused couples therapy -- it's actually evidence-based and it was very effective for me. If you just want to dip your toes in the water, check out the book Hold Me Tight: https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/1491513810 - it's written by the woman who created emotionally focused therapy.
In terms of your drinking:
>I just don't want to anymore.
Then don't. It's as simple as that. And if tomorrow you decide you do want to drink, take a NAL and have a TSM session.
Well you are correct that I know a little bit about attachment theory starting with John Bowlby (<em>Hold Me Tight</em> by Sue Johnson is a good read if you're trying to understand the 'dances' or patterns that relationships tend to fall into from the standpoint of emotional needs). The only additional thing I'd say on this topic is that I'm a little wary of classifying individuals as X attachment style because I think attachment styles can fluctuate and vary depending on the relationship to an extent that might be fully captured by these static categories. So what I'm trying to say is I can see situations where maybe two people who are both 'anxious' both end up later as 'avoidant' or one person in that relationship ends up as 'avoidant' as a coping mechanism to dampen the insecurity, the anxiety, and the stress. (Sue Johnson describes this stage of a relationship as a "freeze" where neither side is doing the relationship 'dance' anymore.) But I think there's a lot of value for individuals to look at themselves and figure out what the persistent patterns across relationships are; you describe yourself as anxious, but I'm guessing with your new partner you're a lot less anxious and a lot more secure because she isn't avoidant, right? So if that's the case, that's kinda what I mean about these attachment styles being applied too rigidly or statically to individuals because relationships can be pretty dynamic as individuals struggle to connect, reconnect, and regulate their own emotions while at the same time trying to meet the other person's emotional needs. It's important not to pathologize individuals any more than we have to.
Since you're reading up on this stuff, I'd suggest picking up <em>The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work,</em> by Dr. Gottman. Unlike almost all other relationship books, his work based on actual science and hard data from studying over 1,000 couples over decades and observing what works and doesn't in marriages. It contains exercises for and your partner to do together to strengthen your bond, learn how to handle conflict in a proper and healthy way, and defuse areas of tension that arise from differences between two people that can't be bridged because of taste, temperament, or past history. Gottman's institute posts a lot of free material online that covers the same ground and it'll give you a good idea of what kind of relationship skill-building is in the book. While the book is written for married couples, knowing, understanding, and utilizing the knowledge that's in there can I think only help with and improve pre-marriage long-term relationships and save both people a fair amount of headache and heartache.
Xo! Books on attachment theory/emotionally focused therapy might be helpful. Here’s one: https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/1491513810/ref=nodl_ All good things with you!
Yes, you need to read the book Hold Me Tight. This book will help you understand what’s really going on at the root level and why you respond the way you do, like sulking. It will require maturity and vulnerability on your part to express your needs and underlying feelings to your partner. Usually the feelings are hurt, shame, embarrassment, aloneness, sadness. It will also help you deal with your friend too. Also, learn about your attachment style and see what your gf’s is. You can google attachment styles or attachment theory. You can certainly learn techniques to help you in the moment like taking a breath or particular ways to communicate, but they will only be surface solutions to something deeper to be understood. Godspeed!