No, this is not true.
Bully culture is rampant in school aged kids because of peer orientation. 'Peer orientation' is a term coined by psychologist Dr Neufeld to describe the loss of attachment from children and their caregivers, and the new attachment formed when kids are deposited into the school system at an early age. The new attachment is transferred to their peers who are now the ones from whom we learn morals, values, ethics, and what is socially important. Hold On To Your Kids.
Yeah except that nowadays, the term is thrown around to vilify any parent who is inclined to sustain an attachment type relationship with their child, a dynamic that is shown to improve childhood happiness, development, and yes, even independency.
I’ve never once had anyone tell me my kid was going to be weird or have no social skills. But I have had people ask “but what about social skills? How will he make friends?”
That’s when I answer with : “What explicit social skills did you learn in school? I went to public school and I was never taught how to make friends. I’m an adult and I still have to work on my social skills. He will make friends with other kids. Homeschoolers, kids at the extra curriculars he does, people we meet at the library and events. He won’t be limited to only those his age/grade.”
Here’s another point: people are always worried when I kid doesn’t “have friends”, but I feel like their idea of friendship is not always a healthy ideal. At the beginning of my homeschooling journey I was recommended the book “Hold On To Your Kids” and that really helped me to understand that I don’t want my kid to become hyper focused on peer-attachment. I want my child to come to me when he has problems and need advice, not go to his friends. I want him to enjoy the company of others but I don’t want him to substitute a peer relationship for our relationship. And a lot of the time when I heard adults talk about “kids need friends” that’a exactly what they mean. “Who are they going to cause trouble with? Who are they going to tell all their secrets to? Who are they going to bitch about mom to?” Is this healthy? Why is this considered normal and okay?
I started homeschooling when my son was 7 years old and my mom was always saying, “Well make sure he has a chance to make friends”, but at 7 a child isn’t finding a life long companion to confide in. He’s happy if he can play in the sand box with other kid.
This is a tough one. I would like to reply from the position of your daughter. Though, I’m a mom of a 15 year old now. When I was 15 I started to have sex. I had a boyfriend that I loved and no one was going to stop me. If my parents tried to intervene I would just pull further away from them and tell them less. The more they pushed, the more I resisted. If you forbid/or stand in between your daughter and her boyfriend you will find the outcome is not what your hoping for. I’m close to my DD of almost 16 who has chosen to not date yet. But that’s just because it’s who she is and also because she is fulfilled in her relationships that she currently has. What I think you may find more helpful is getting closer with your daughter. You need to matter more than her peers. There is an incredible book by Gabor Maté called “Hold onto your kids”. It helped me a lot in reconnecting with my kids.
https://www.amazon.ca/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0307361969/ref=nodl_ Here is a link to the book.
In the mean time. LISTEN to your daughter. She WILL continue to have sex with her boyfriend. Share advice, not rules. Provide her with protection and condoms and talk to her about being a woman. Talk to her about safety and honouring her body. Remind her you love her no matter what. She will come around if she feels heard and understood. If you look at it like “she is my kid and I need to parent/control her behaviour”. You will lose any footing you may have had. I wish you the best and I’m sorry you are in such a tough position. I hope you can have a sweet hug with her tonight and remind her you love her no matter what.
Many others have already said what I wanted to say, however, I wanted to recommend a book: Hold On To Your Kids
I cannot recommend "Hold on to Your Kids" by Neufeld and Mate enough.
I have been reading and rereading it lately as I deal with some big stuff with my 16 year old son. The basic premise of the book is that parents need to win back their children's attention from their peers so that you can parent them affectively. Their argument is that if the attachment between parent and child is damaged or struggling, you can't do your job. They've fired you and you need to convince them to rehire you as their main source of support and guidance.
It has been really helpful for me. It has allowed me to really change the way I approach this super crappy situation with my son (charges, expulsion from school). I have not raised my voice, been angry with him, or said anything disrespectful to him. I have shown him unfailing support. At the same time, I have been able to set restrictions on his social life and phone, insisted that he make better and healthier choices in all aspects of his life, had him doing homework with me at the kitchen table, and insisting that he speak to me with respect and kindness.
Who knows what will happen tomorrow, but for today we're doing ok.
It was a bit rocky to start a routine, but it's fantastic now. As long as we do what we planned to do every day, our schedule is flexible, and I find that it makes the day so much more relaxed and learning much more interesting.
Your child's social life is completely up to you when they are younger, and if you prioritize it, there's no lapse. I really liked this book, http://www.amazon.ca/Hold-On-Your-Kids-Parents/dp/0307361969 which talks a lot about the role peers and parents have on a child's development.
Also, if you live in a larger city, you'll find that there are plenty of groups and meet-ups, if that works for you. I'm in a mid-sized North American city, and everywhere from the music studio to the museum has daytime programs for homeschooled children, generally at reduced rates. It's brilliant because the facility gets more clients during down time, and homeschooled children get to see each other and avail themselves of great programming and activities.
Our program also gives us way more money than I expected, and we heavily subsidize our daughter's activities with their budget. We also meet the local children at the park after school.
Edit: Also, one of the best parts is that it's super easy to keep up with the curriculum with only one child to teach, who has my undivided attention. This leaves a lot more time for following personal interests or socializing.
Family counselor here, and step dad of 2. I am sorry to hear your family seems engaged onto a negative spiral right now. As you probably know already from your background in child development, the core of everything is about attachment. When the family members are securely attached, parenting becomes easier. From what I read though, it seems that your SS isn't in a secure attachment with your husband. This become even more difficult when you are a custodial parent because no matter what you do, you can only influence your half of the family dynamics.
So as a step-parent you are unfortunately in a situation where your influence is even less meaningful. But it's not meaningless nonetheless, quite the contrary. From what you wrote it seems you had a great positive influence at first, but things eventually moved into a negative dynamics.
If you still love your husband and want that relationship to work (and especially in the context of being pregnant also!) I am not sure disengaging is a viable option on the long term. It will only deepen the rift and make the attachment even less secure, which means that kid's behaviour isn't going to get easier. So IMHO I think you need to work on re-attaching: from you to your SS, from your SS to you, from SS to his father and from you to your husband.
This is especially important also because your SS is 12 which means he gets into puberty, a very difficult time for both the family and him. He needs you even more so! To help you with this, should you decide you want to give it another shot, here are some resources: Hold on to your kids from Dr. Neufeld, and perhaps investigate vulnerability as a way to reconnect to your step son. If you need more specific advice let me know. Good luck!
Enter your postal code to find comm centres and times near you for free drop-in programs geared towards babies.
https://www.ontario.ca/page/find-earlyon-child-and-family-centre
(I'd like to include my 2cents here also: go and expose your baby to social environments as time out of the house, but just don't feel pressured to do so. There is this notion in our culture that we must 'prime' our babies to socialization when nothing could be further from the truth. What they actually need is a long term relationship with a fully attached, fully loving caregiver(s). I think this should be required reading for all new parents: https://www.amazon.ca/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0307361969/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536941112&sr=8-1&keywords=hold+on+to+your+kids)
OK back to our regularly scheduled program. Have fun out there!