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Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving?
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First off, masturbation is immoral. It denies all the aspects of rightly ordered sex and seeks one's own pleasure at the expense of everything else. Neither one of you should be masturbating under any circumstances.
Second, rightly ordered sex according to Catholic teaching allows for foreplay, including manual and oral stimulation, prior to or following penetrative sex, provided it's all in the same context/occurrence. So your husband is wrong on that count, but it's the sort of deeply personal opinion that is difficult to change.
In situations like this, my wife always recommends Holy Sex by Greg Popcak. Reading that book or a similar Catholic source may help your husband change his mind. (I know not everyone agrees with Popcak on these points, but I think it's fairly in line with Catholic teaching.)
One other thing: You say that your husband wants penetrative sex frequently but refuses to participate in any effort to bring you to climax. This is contrary to Catholic ideals about sex and the principles of personhood. You are both complete persons and you are both participants in the marital act; if he's just having sex with you to his own climax and ignores your pleasure, he's doing very little different from masturbation.
It is a flawed understanding of human biology to assume that penetrative sex will have the same effect on everyone. The fact of the matter is that women typically need some kind of further stimulation to achieve climax, and some find it almost impossible to achieve climax through penetrative sex. This isn't their fault or something sinful; it's just a coincidence of biology.
It's probably important to your husband and as long as it's not painful and is more fun than doing the dishes then you should try not to be totally celibate. If it is painful then solve that problem.
If you're feeling a lot of pressure from your husband to enjoy sex, then that will probably make you less likely to enjoy it. There are ways to work on enjoying sex, maybe read Holy Sex for some ideas.
Seconding "Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving" by Gregory Popcak. It's is a good one. Best for married couples, or as an engagement gift.
This book would be a really good read for you, if you want to have a clearer understanding of the church's view of sexually.
You are under no obligation to be used by her to bear children. It is just as bad for her to do that to you as it is if you were using her just for sexual gratification. So no, if she approached you for sex like that, don't have sex with her like that. That's rape. She is raping you. You are morally obligated to refuse to be used like that because to indulge her is to enable her vice.
As with therapy, she's not your parent. She is your wife. No one gets to say no to their spouse's needs. In marriage both spouse's needs have to be mutually considered as equal. You argue only how and when, never the what. So she doesn't just get to tell you to tolerate the status quo. She gets to say "Hey, I don't know about this solution. How about this one instead?" Any "no, your needs get to be ignored" is a violation of the marital vows.
You both appear to be having some serious personal issues. While I don't like the term codependency and think attachment theory is more accurate, your enabling behavior is something you need to work on. You have to develop personal boundaries or you will struggle to have healthy relationships at all. She probably has some pretty deep wounds too regarding sex. (BTW, I've been in your shoes in this regard)
So the thing is, you can use this to work together to mutually heal, or she can continue to deny you have a problem and abandon you, while you get the actual help you need. But don't exclude her from the opportunity. You don't need to divorce her just yett. That's if you need to separate assets or seek an annullment. The first step is therapy, and it'll help you even if she abandons you and continues to say no to your needs.
I personally recommend the Pastorial Solutions Institute. https://www.catholiccounselors.com/ Telecounseling is absolutely great. It's a whole lot easier to make appointments. That said, therapy can be expensive.
If you want a more affordable option, check out Faithful Counseling. This is a group of Christian Counselors who do counseling through the larger Betterhelp.com app. The fees are a lot less expensive because of the lower overhead costs. I'd recommend betterhelp, but I think some Christian background would better considering your moral struggles with sex. https://www.faithfulcounseling.com
Regardless, you want to find a marriage friendly therapist who is trained in actual marriage therapy. They should be able to name the method they were taught. It needs to be post graduate. The type of method doesn't matter. And you need to find out their view on marriage. Most therapists take a neutral view on it. Believe it or not, they don't see their job as saving marriages. They see their jobs as helping people figure out their needs, communicate better, and become happier whether the marriage survives or not. It's a bit like going to a therapist who is neutral on suicide. You're depressed and having suicidal thoughts, and they might be like "Well, maybe it's legitimate. What's holding you back?" Marriage friendly therapist will better identify the hope and encourage you, while acknowledging that some marriages can't be saved. (In which case, you can seek your annullment with greater confidence)
If you do go with the Pastorial Institute, get Dr. Popcak's book (Holy Sex)[https://www.amazon.com/Holy-Sex-Toe-Curling-Mind-Blowing-Infallible/dp/0824524713]. Call it your Catholic guide to sexual morality in marriage if you're working with a Protestant therapist.
Another book to consider (though I haven't read it. I've read a related book) is the book ("Avoidant: How to Love or Leave a Dismissive Partner")[https://www.amazon.com/Avoidant-Love-Leave-Dismissive-Partner-ebook]
The big thing is that this isn't about love languages. Some people have insecure attachment styles. Some have anxious attachment styles that cause them to chase after and pander to the demands of their partner. If their partner has an anxious avoidant attachment style, this actually causes them to flee their partner.
Most Christian marriage books don't touch on these issues at all and give you HORRIBLE advice if you have attachment problems. The advice often makes the situation WORSE.
So therapy. Go. Because it's not just about leaving. It's about healing. Even if she decides she's not going or that she's going to leave you instead if you advocate for yourself, it makes it clearer what's happening. She's been saying no to her wedding vows constantly. You need to assert your needs and see if she'll actually say yes. That MEANS you've done all the OPPOSITE things you should be doing. You've been giving more when you should be GIVING LESS. Like it or not, all those people who say "Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100" don't know what the heck that 50/50 is trying to correct in people. I mean, yes, give marriage 100% effort, but 50% is not effort. 50/50 s about making sure the relationship is one of reciprocal love.
Good luck. It worked for my husband and I.
Trent Horn succinctly addresses this in his podcast titled, What’s Okay for Married Couples to Do (Sexually)?
Also check out Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving.
Definitely check out this post written by a priest as well.
Personally? I'm wayyyy too private of an individual to broadcast stuff like that on the web. But! I very much trust the author of this book and if I encountered a situation where I was looking to improve that aspect of our marriage, I'd certainly give it a read: https://www.amazon.com/Holy-Sex-Toe-Curling-Mind-Blowing-Infallible/dp/0824524713
I think you have to help her reframe her thought process on this, sex is indeed holy, none of us would be here without it, lol. There is a good book called Holy Sex, that may help https://www.amazon.com/Holy-Sex-Toe-Curling-Mind-Blowing-Infallible/dp/0824524713
It's written by a Catholic no less.
Sex does get taught as something dirty and unholy which is totally wrong, now sex should be done in proper context (of a marriage) that's what is not communicated clearly enough especially to kids, and not doing it correctly I do believe is what you're directly running into here.
Another book option: https://www.amazon.com/Holy-Sex-Toe-Curling-Mind-Blowing-Infallible/dp/0824524713
It's not even so much that it's 8-10 days of abstinence, it's that they're back to back. Like, most couples probably have sex 4-6 times a week; it's the rare few that, even if RP, have sex every day. But, much like fasting from food, once or twice a week is once thing - not eating for a week is another business.
And, to be completely honest with you - it is the single hardest teaching of the Church for me to accept personally. Celibate priesthood? Sure. Hyperdulia of Our Lady? Bring it on! A belief in transsubstantiation so solid you're practically a cannibal? Fine. I understand the teaching - why the Church teaches this, but I don't like doing it. (Or, rather, not doing it.)
I don't know how familiar with philosophy you are, but the basic idea behind no oral (or anal, or facial, etc) completion is that it changes the nature of the sex act. God designed the sexual organs to work together, and the "proper" completion of the marriage act is one that honours this design. Karol Woljtyla (whom you may know better as Pope John Paul II) wrote a book on this topic entitled Love and Responsibility. This (link to pdf; does not auto download) is a sort of overview, but it's a good read, if somewhat lengthy. It's the beginning of a larger body of work called The Theology of the Body which was a series of 129 lectures, as well as the papal encyclical <em>Humanae Vitae</em> (On Human Life).
JP2 had a lot to say about sex. :P But his core point that he wanted to drive home was that sex is a total self-gift to the other, and to "improperly complete" the conjugal act was to a) deny the command to be fruitful and multiply, b) lead to a tendency to objectify the other, even one's own spouse and c) come from a place of putting pleasure (if it's a kink) or fear (if it's a fear of pregnancy) before total love, which gives all of oneself, including one's fertility.
That's not to say that the Catholic Church sees sex as sinful, bad, or ugly. Rather, JP2 in Love & Responsibility wrote about the physical and spiritual benefits of simultaneous orgasm (and encouraged couples to seek it with lots of practise), and there are plenty of Catholic authours who have written about sex in a very positive way. Holy Sex! is one of my favourites, despite it's very corny title.
That's not to say that couples are obligated to use NFP; Catholic couples may also simply have sex whenever they feel like it and accept whatever babies come their way. But what Catholics may not do is drug a functional bodily system into non-function or change the fundamental life-giving nature of the sex act itself.
Seriously read this book - alot of you said above is a misconception of what the Church Actually Teaches.
https://www.amazon.com/Holy-Sex-Toe-Curling-Mind-Blowing-Infallible/dp/0824524713
I strongly strongly strongly recommend the five love languages by Gary Chapman. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
I would also recommend Holy Sex http://www.amazon.com/Holy-Sex-Toe-Curling-Mind-Blowing-Infallible/dp/0824524713
And love and respect. http://loveandrespect.com/
An inter faith marriage cam be very difficult of you are trying to lve a sacremental marriage according to the church. It can also be very very difficult.
On the flip side of you take your faith seriously and lead your wife in knowledge and by example an interfaith marriage can be very fulfilling and loving. The as long as everything is handled with respect and love the search for knowledge and truth can really bring you much closer.
I think you are mistaken in your impression that the Catholic Church demands that women become baby factories. Here's some food for thought.
No not all contraception. Just "contraception" which inhibits the implantation of a fertilized embryo. Contraception which inhibits the joining of sperm and egg is allowed.
I am not using the legal defination of murder since the legal defination can change to anything anyone wants. I am using the ethical defination of unjust killing.
Nope. Feel free to check out this nice book on good sex.
I never said women are only meant to be mothers. I said women who have a child (a mother) cannot kill their child.
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