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How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (The How To Talk Series)?
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Have you thought about reading some parenting books? You were abused so you don't have any healthy models to look to. The way you phrase it ("walking over us and not caring what we had to say") is not the way someone with a healthy background would look at the situation at all IMO, and the fact that you think hitting your kid (yes, even 'just' a bottom smack) is a viable solution means you need help ASAP. I hear good things about this one: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI
Stop the cycle. There's no shame in needing help.
I am not a parent.
I have been reading this book as I intrigued by the idea that hitting children is not necessary.
The book has research behind it, the methods are all about talking, and have benefits beyond improving behavior:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (The How To Talk Series) Faber, Adele, Mazlish, Elaine
Have you researched parenting books, or books on child development? I realized that I had NO reference point for emotionally healthy relationships - which isn't my fault, I had an abusive upbringing. But it's actually possible to teach yourself how to communicate and handle your emotions as an adult; there are great resources out there. It's literally a skill set, like any other, that takes knowledge and practice.
I hear good things about this book: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI
He's that age where he's going to start expressing those emotions, allow this, encourage it, and talk to him about it. I have found this the single most life changing thing I've done with my youngest.
I always recommend this book it's short and it really helps. It also covers what you're inquiring about.
What you say is really important. It also helps remarkably when a child is misbehaving. It's often because they're upset. Getting them to tell you WHY chills them out significantly.
Personally, as a parent of both a gifted child, and one on the autism spectrum, This book was awesome. It explains things in an easy, no nonsense way.
I recently found these books, and I was pleasantly surprised how they made such a difference in my day to day parenting. I can't recommend it highly enough.
The hug at the end is key.
Growing up is all about learning how to deal with emotions. From the frustrations and happiness a toddler experiences to the excitement and anxiety a teenager experiences.
He is obviously dealing with anger here and leaving him to himself is one way that may help him learn how to deal with that emotion better when he experiences it again. However, if he wasn't able to handle it on his own you don't want him feeling alone or unwanted or resentful.
This book is immensely helpful.
>The 4 yr old says "Yes, I did do that..." I put and end to it and put both in time outs until one of them would decide to be truthful with me and admit they did it.
You put the 4 year old in time out until he'd admit it, after he admitted it?
> I reprimand the 4 year old for lying, breaking my trust, and speaking rudely/accusing his brother. ... this is NOT the first time this almost EXACT situation has played out.
And then you used the word of someone you know is untrustworthy to reprimand the 4 year old?
Punishment has a lot of well-studied negative side effects, not the least of which is increased frequency and skill at lying. And on top of it you're letting your kids use your punishments as a weapon against each other. Time out, accusations, and reprimands - particularly over situations you have no clear understanding of which results in punishments that appear totally capricious - are not things that generate a positive environment. I'd suggest you take a look at How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Siblings Without Rivalry, as they both outline a number of strategies for tackling these situations more productively.
Research says other systems as a rule work better.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI
I recommend this book so often, but it really is quite helpful.
Read this short book. Seriously it helps. Get mom on the same page.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI
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These 2 are pretty good and you are doing a good job already trying to be a better parent.
Another resource you might consider is How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
But some strategies that might help more immediately:
- Consider your kid's current state. If they are tired/hungry/scared/etc., emotional regulation is much, much harder. Impulse control is much, much harder. Take a step back, evaluate whether there is an external issue exasperating your present issue, and address that first.
- Say "yes" as much as possible, and avoid "no" as much as possible. If they start resisting something you want, consider whether it's actually necessary. Why are you requiring or denying the thing? If it's for a reason that holds water on reconsideration, then continue, but otherwise, modify your answer. (This does not mean have no boundaries, requirements, or discipline. It just means don't exercise authority and control without thinking it through.)
- If the same thing is continuously an issue, there might be something about the -thing- that needs to be altered. For instance, if cleaning her room is constantly a point of contention, I'd consider:
- Does she feel like it takes too long? Maybe she needs less things in her room. (Not as a punishment, "fine, I'll throw it all away" type thing. Find a home somewhere else in the house, or downsize in a positive "Marie Kondo" way. If the latter, watch the Netflix show first to make it desirable.)
- Does she feel like she doesn't really know how to clean it? Maybe she needs better storage options and y'all can make sure everything has an assigned place.
- Does she feel overwhelmed when needing to do a big clean? Do it together, and set aside a certain amount of time every day to do the tidying so she can build the skill of regular space maintenance. If it's at a predictable time for a short duration and she doesn't have to do it alone, getting her to focus on it is likely to have more positive results.
I had my first kid at 19. I had my next less than 2 years later. I then had two more, almost 18 years later, with 5 years in between the last two. My financial situation was better the 2nd time around for sure, but I had such an easier time of it the second time around because I was much more mature and learned from my mistakes with the first two, of which there were many.
It seems like every time I post here I end up recommending this book, but it really helps and I would have loved to have it my first time around.
You should be scared, but since you are there's hope for you. Your life is about to drastically change, and now your life isn't going to be about you, front and center anymore. It has to take a back seat to your child now. Hopefully you're more mature at 19 than I was, but the fact that you're looking into this is a good sign.
One thing to remember is that kids are not so fragile that you'll mess them up for life by making mistakes. The important thing is to correct course as you make those mistakes, and remember that we do not own our children. We are their stewards while they grow up. They come first in all things.
My last piece of advice that some will find confrontational, but I will say it anyway. Don't hit your kid. Spanking is ineffective, and the evidence is overwhelming it will harm the child and your relationship in the future. A common refrain from some is "Look at me, I was spanked and I turned out fine." This is insufficient, for many reasons. If you need convincing of this, study after study has found this to be the case. One can have respectful, well-adjusted kids that respect your authority without spanking. I regret spanking my first two, and I don't spank after them anymore. Young parents tend to spank out of exasperation for what else to do to get a kid to comply. Children are small and yet they are still people.
If you're lost and don't know what to do, you have an awesome resource I didn't have with my first two, the Internet. When you're at a loss, reach out to someone to get that help. There is NO shame in this. Parenting is hard, and like anything else in life, admitting we don't have all the answers is hard, but neccessary.
All that being said, it IS rewarding and a wonderful experience to be a dad, and to watch your kid grow and learn. In fact if you're a gamer you'll know what I mean. Your kid will occasionally surprise you as they grow and learn and suddenly they'll seem to know things they didn't know yesterday. I call this "levelling up" and it's just a blast to watch happen.
Good luck to you and your family.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI
This may seem like a weird book to suggest, but it's helped me acknowledge and navigate negative self talk. Perhaps it could help you, too.
Get this book.
It really helps with getting kids to open up.
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