What is Reddit's opinion of I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships?

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Oh I have been here...sooooo many times. I've been married now for 25 years and it was decades of this pattern for us.

Eventually I realized that he has very little self-compassion. And I started focusing on that and thinking about how different I am in that way. I have a lot of self-compassion and can easily forgive myself when I screw up. He is more of a perfectionist overall, and he would rather avoid thinking about a mistake because it feels so bad for him. He doesn't have an internal voice that says "It's okay, you didn't mean to" or "It's okay, you'll learn from this and everyone makes mistakes".

Also, some people can get caught in a "win-lose" mindset during conflict. They feel like in any conflict, someone is at fault and must be blamed. My husband saw conflict this way, and used to always say to me: "You always have to win". He didn't believe me when I said I didn't care about "winning" and that there is no one to "blame" and I just want him to understand me, and to understand him.

When I spent a little more time getting inside his head, then I could see how painful this mindset must be. I was so tired of reassuring him when I was the one who was hurt, but now it's so much better.

Also got him a book called "I Hear You" because it teaches how to validate someone. It helps change his mindset from "I did something wrong, I am to blame" to him focusing on "I can make her feel better in this moment".

https://www.amazon.com/Hear-You-Surprisingly-Extraordinary-Relationships-ebook/dp/B071K4MWMK

I hope that helps

It's true they do wallow, but it is also true they are not ready to hear what you want to tell them and it's not likely to help them.

There's an excellent book about this called <em>I Hear You</em>, but the TL;DR is often the most efficient way to help someone work through an emotion is to validate it.

That doesn't mean you just blindly tell them everything they feel and think is correct, it means you acknowledge their hurt comes from something real.

> She will get her own medicine.

Not really. Most LL partners don't use sex-esteem for validation. She's much more likely to feel smug (that you're so desperate that you're rejecting the sex she knows you want) and angry (that you're trying to make her feel bad). That's a healthy cocktail of empowerment and self aggrandizement you're giving her. I'm guessing that that doesn't line up with what you intended to communicate by rejecting her.

If you really want to get even with her, why not do something invalidating instead? Just do the opposite of what the book in the link says. Then she'll actually feel bad the way that you do, which sounds like your goal here. Align your actions with your goal.

For the record, I think that's a terrible goal. But if you're going to go for it, might as well do it right.

> My reaction to other people sharing the mundane probably stems to others not listening to MY mundane probably, but even acknowledging that fact still doesnt really make me want to listen to the mundane.

I suspect you have this backwards, or perhaps you learned this at a young age or something.

Either way, listening to other people isn't really about what they did, it's about validating they had a human experience.

Also, these events allow you to learn about who they are and their patterns of thinking from these specific examples of what they did and what they think about it.

<em>I Hear You</em> by Michael S. Sorensen is an excellent book on the topic of listening to people and forming good relationships with them even when you are perhaps not interested in the same things they are.

I frequently recommend the (very short and super concise) book &quot;I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships&quot; because I struggle A LOT with it... Not empathy, but an urge I call "helpful not helpful" where my anxiety wants to help the other person solve problems rather than empathetically sitting in the discomfort and making the other person feel SEEN. The book laid it out in a way where I recognize how valuable the option of simple validation is so in my mind it's just as valuable and probably more helpful than trying to solve anything.

This is not strictly stoicism, but I do understand where you're coming from as I've dealt with this myself.

A book you might find helpful is <em>I Hear You</em>.

An exercise that has been helpful for me is to really notice other people as I go through my day.

Look at a person and realize that person has had as much, if not far more experience in life than you and that person knows many things you do not. Everything you have done, they have done too and then some, in their own way. They have a story to tell you.

For example when I drive I see the other cars and realize in each one is at least one person who has thoughts, feelings and a history at least as deep - probably far deeper - than my own.

When you see every life as equally autonomous, insightful and valuable as your own and realize each person has a lesson to teach you, it becomes easier to empathize with them and not view them as objects to be manipulated.

Yeah, I mean it sounds like she's just not a great listener.

My wife is similar, she tries but ultimately when I vent my serious problems to her a lot of times I just feel worse after so I find other ways to cope. So generally I stick to just telling her about work drama or simple things so she can hear about my day.

You might talk to your wife about reflective listening.

There's also a great book called <em>I hear You</em> that might be helpful for her.

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I haven't read that one but I did complete a summer course in motivational interviewing. I recently read Print List Price: $12.99 Kindle Price: $9.88 Save $3.11 (24%) Prime: Free Included with your membership. Read for Free OR Buy Now for $9.88 Add Audible narration to your purchase for FREE Deliver to: Jeffrey’s iPad Buy for others Give as a gift or purchase for a team or group.Learn more Quantity: 1 Buy for others Send a free sample Deliver to: Jeffrey’s iPad Add to List Enter a promotion code or Gift Card Share &lt;Embed&gt; Kindle App Ad Look inside this book. I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships by [Michael S. Sorensen] Audible Sample Audible Sample Follow the Author Michael S. Sorensen + Follow I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, and it was good but rather brief. The book is about the validation of others’ emotions. I'm looking for others, and also want to learn more about motivational interviewing and particularly reflective listening..