Thanks for the suggestion.
I'm still reading through it myself, but I've been getting a lot out of "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One"
One problem I run into is that I feel like a lot of the things I see are directed at people whose loved ones died of something like cancer, which as terrible as it is, makes me irrationally angry and jealous that they at least got to say goodbye and get their affairs in order, while my life went instantly from normal to shattered with a phone call in the middle of the night.
I recommend a book, I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye. I lost my mother 20 years ago to brain cancer. One gets better but you never really get over it. Sorry for your loss.
I missed your original post, but for whatever it's worth, as someone who had my partner of 10 years die very unexpectedly and with no time to prepare (either mentally or just in terms of logistics and financial shit), I found this book to be emotionally helpful -- Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One
Along with some grief counseling, it's been the only thing that helped stop the PTSD-like constant reliving of his last hours and obsessing over every possible thing I could have done different.
That is young. My neighbor just retired. 30 years as a fireman/paramedic. He says that the last six months have been brutal. Big increase in suicides, overdoses, domestic violence callouts, etc. Its not all about COVID.
I recommend reading, if you have time, I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye
It wasn't your fault. Whenever a person dear to us dies, part of the process is that those of us who remain often think, there is something "we could have done". It the mind's way of resisting the transient and impermanent nature of life.
I don't know if an autopsy was performed but I would venture to say that he had undiagnosed heart disease and whether he died on your camping trip or a few days later while mowing the lawn, it would have happened either way.
Let me suggest you read I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye. This may help you shed some of this guilt you have been carrying for so long.
The amazing thing about death is that it happens every day and its all around us but we are never cognizant of it until it happens to someone we love.
Its one of the hardest things you can do - watch as a person is dying. We are never ready. If you can just be there for her until the end, it will be enough.
I recommend reading: I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye.
I had an aunt who died from alcoholism over 30 years ago. She was 42.
You have taken her as far as you can. Your point of departure is her point of arrival; two different sides of the same sign. The next few steps she takes on her own. You have earned my respect.
If you have time, read I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye.
Someone recommended to me I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye when my dad passed suddenly. I haven’t been in the right mental space to read it myself, but the person who gave it to me has lost two children and swears by it.
I’m so sorry. Losing a parent is so hard
Been there myself. My mom passed unexpectedly at 52 years old five years ago. It’s a tough thing to get over, but it does get easier. This book helped my sisters and I during the worst of it.
Prayers for you and your family.
Grief is the heaviest of human emotions to bear. Some 8 million people will lose a loved one this year. For now and for however long it takes, its OK to not be OK.
I recommend reading I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye for those "moments" when you find sleep to be elusive.
We, like your daughter will always be too young to understand. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine.
How old was your mother if I may ask and what was her cause of death? Sudden, unexpected deaths hit us harder. They leave us with a bewildering array of questions.
This book may help: I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye
I am here because recently I have been thinking about my mother. She died 20 years ago. Again, grief does not measure time.
What I am about to tell you isn't going to help but blaming ourselves and saying "If only I did ....", the outcome would have been different, is very common.
Blaming ourselves is just part of the process. Let me recommend a book called I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye.
Sorry for your loss. ♥
I recommend I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye.
This is as bad as it gets. She is thankful that you are there to take her these last few steps.
When this is all over, a book I recommend is I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye
> But I’m just losing the last part of her now and it’s incredibly hard.
How old is she if I may ask? It is hard, very hard but it too, will end.
That's horrible, and I'm so sorry you and your family are dealing with this right now. I hope you can reach a new normal that you can live with sooner rather than later. I read this book over and over again when my brother died of an overdose. Super corny title, but they describe all kinds of amazing coping skills and it helped me process I was feeling. I felt like I was going crazy in the months after the funeral, and the text made me feel normal.
I've actually felt the opposite. I was 28 when my father suddenly passed away last year, and it made me realize the impermanence of life more than anything. Like, why bother not doing the things I want, because life's short and there's no point in worrying about how I'll feel about something later in life since I might not even make it there. I think I feel less afraid of death because it just feels arbitrary. I can't do anything about it. My response is apathy and recklessness, I suppose.
I expected something more akin to fear, like you're feeling. It's almost like a ptsd response - now your realm of experience includes that people can suddenly die. That really sucks. I'm sure a lot of people say the same thing, but I'd suggest seeking out a grief counselor. I put it off for more than a year, but it's actually been really nice to have someone who I'm supposed to go on about him to. Plus sometimes they have feedback that's a lot more useful than the platitudes I get elsewhere. I can empathize with the sudden loss portion, and I wasn't able to find many people who experienced the same thing. I got this book from the library, and it's helped me cope somewhat: I wasn't ready to say goodbye
I also want to say: don't feel bad about putting your grief off. Sometimes there are things in our lives that we can't just put on hold because we need processing time. When you get that break and begin to feel it more, it will suck, but everyone tells me that time will make it better. There's no wrong way to experience this.
I am really sorry for your loss, I send my condolences. I'm not great at offering advice for stress since I struggle with it myself, but I can hopefully offer you a couple of things to ease you a little.
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There is a book that my counselor recommended to me which I think may help here. The book is called "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel. It goes very into detail about how grief is normal, the different ways a person may grieve, and teaches you how to take care of yourself. They also have a workbook here if you're interested.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and the stress you feel is completely normal and valid, so just make sure that you're being gentle with yourself. This book has helped me a lot with establishing boundaries while I grieved about the sudden passing of my Mom back in October of last year.
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If you don't have an appetite for foods that help during your flare-up, eating something is definitely better than eating nothing. One thing I've had to purchase for myself every now and again is Ensure when my appetite hits low levels. It offers nutrition and can be substituted for a regular meal too (although, it is expensive, so I understand if you are unable to get any).
All the best to you, OP! Remember you are not alone.
One book I found helpful was "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" which is about coping with the sudden death of a loved one. The Amazon page for it has a string of "related books" that might also be helpful to you or apply in your case: https://www.amazon.com/Wasnt-Ready-Say-Goodbye-Surviving/dp/1402212216/
"The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didon and "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis are both memories of their time about being widowed. I found them a bit intense but they can offer helpful perspective and permission to feel whatever you're feeling.
Emily Nagoski recently wrote a book about "Burnout" which is helpful for day-to-day self-care, not for grief specifically but I think there's some overlap.
I hadn't heard of this book before. Ordering it now. Thanks for suggesting.
Edit: Under suggested I found these two books I'll be picking up too: