What is Reddit's opinion of Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage?

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

My father, upon the eve of my nuptials, bought me a book. It’s... for a lack of better explanation, a Christian sex manual. See, my father was given this book when he got married and thought “there was a lot of good info in there. I should give it to my daughter.” And didn’t consider the fact that the book was ancient and the medical information in the book is outdated and all the other stuff is stuff I could Google should I ever need to know. It was traumatising. For some reason pictures of genitals were a no so they had illustrations and instead of just drawing penises- because penises are obscene, but vulvas and vaginas are fine- they drew shadow dicks. Like... Penises but the outlines are dashed lines. The hand to penis proportions are also terrible... someone was feeling mighty generous of their junk when drawing I think. And there are chapters about everything I dont wanna know. Childbirth, sex after 50, sex after 60, after 70... there’s a chapter devoted to AIDS and HIV which literally says “frenching someone with HIV is dangerous and should be avoided.” (Because reminder, the book is ancient and they used to think that was true). Nothing in my life has scarred me more than this book. It’s truly one of a kind. I begged my father not to give it to me. Now it lives under my couch and we pull it out to to laugh at the illustrations when my husbands sister comes over. Edit: in case you’re wondering which I really hope you’re not, this is the book.

No, you aren’t doing anything wrong. From your comments, can I assume that you are Christians?

If so, a helpful book from that perspective is Intended for Pleasure link

Whether or no, tell him that you love him, and that he needs to talk to you about it, even if it involves something hard.

Be prepared for the possibility of something dark.

This is very very difficult.

1.) very little sex before marriage. So you never really explored if you’re sexually compatible to begin with.

2.) we don’t know if she has a very low libido or if she is just sexually repressed with guilt.

There are plenty of pro Christian books about sex.

https://www.amazon.com/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian/dp/0800719379

I certainly haven’t read any, but there are many that are well reviewed. I would certainly read these so you can talk to your wife about sex and exploring that side of you.

3.) of course, I wouldn’t recommend bringing children into a marriage that we’re not going to know if it’s going to last so… yikes. Can you have a conversation with her about birth control?

Some women can’t orgasm for several reasons. Is she tired? Insecure? On medications that hinder orgasms? Are you paying attention to her clitoris? Are you being to rough? Too soft? Are you “sure” you have actually found her clitoris?

Lots to unpack. [https://www.amazon.com/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian/dp/0800719379]()

She doesn't see sex like you do. It may be from shear non enjoyment of sex. And believe me when I tell you all those orgasms are probably fake. Also, she probably won't just suddenly start flashing you, playing with toys, or sending naughty pics. You have two choices:

1) Run while you still can.

2) Take the sexual journey with her. But this journey will take years and involve a lot of mental gymnastics. And the journey won't start until she takes the first step. Plus, you won't be able to rush the process. If you would like to test the waters see if she is interested in reading this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0800719379/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_4hZAFbGD6E4JD

You can tell the easier option.

Check out the book Intended for Pleasure .

Otherwise, general tips I can give:

1. Take your time. Both during the act (long kisses and lots of warm-up) and in discovery (women can take up to two years before even experiencing an orgasm with their husband, especially if they have been taught that sex is all bad or that their pleasure wouldn’t matter in marriage).

2. Stop using a toy altogether. That’s cheating! Try to explore your wife’s body with your own. Use all your senses. Listen to her responses, and encourage her to get more vocal as she gets more comfortable.

3. Make sure you’re not slacking in other displays of affection: non sexual physical touch, the Five Love Languages.

4. Help her get comfortable before. Maybe she should take a bath and use a bath bomb. Maybe she should throw on a bit of makeup or some lingerie sometimes. Maybe give her a non sexual back massage.

If I think of anything else, I’ll comment again!

There's a good book titled Intended For Pleasure that you -- and she -- might find helpful. The two of you could use it as a common basis of discussion. That will help you know if she's "repressing her sexuality" or just delaying it (in my mind, there's a difference -- repression sounds very negative, and unhealthy. When I'm hungry but waiting on a nice dinner, I'm not repressing my hunger but I am delaying the satisfaction of my hunger). She can talk about which parts of the book she agrees with and which she doesn't, and you can better understand her.

Edit to add: I'm a guy who waited until marriage. Most my pre-teen and teenage years I was told "sex is bad", never about how it can be great in marriage. Thankfully, I read Intended for Pleasure before getting married. It, and other people's comments, helped me develop a much healthier outlook towards sex. Depending on how early you are in the relationship, it might be a bit early to be discussing this in depth. I don't know her, but there's a chance that if you put too much emphasis on this too early she'll think that's your primary interest.

We use in-house materials that I, unfortunately, don't have permission to share with you. But one of the pastors of our church and his wife meets with the couple. We usually do 4 sessions. The classes we cover are:

1. The reason for marriage. It is God's idea and it's good. In marriage the couple is meant to represent God, to rule over the 'garden', to rule united, and to multiply. Sin hinders the marriage union. Marriage points to Christ and his marriage to the church - it's the ultimate reason for marriage.
2. God's Design. The different roles God designed in marriage. The husband: Christ-like servant leadership, temptation to abdicate. The wife: Respectful submission, temptation to resist husband's leadership (or take over).
3. Growing through conflict. What causes conflict? (James 4:1-4) Humility to resolve. Humble before God, humble before spouse. Helping your spouse humbly. Reconciliation and what it looks like. (Also see Ken Sande's Peacemaker, esp the Seven A's of Confession)
4. Passionate Pursuit. Love originates with God and is defined by God. Romance is work, not automatic. Things that can spoil romance: spiritual neglect, selfishness, bitterness. Romance displayed is: committed, passionate, constant thoughts of affection, spoken with crafted words, planned and spontaneous.

Depending on their age, we'll give them Intended for Pleasure as a wedding gift to be opened soon after the wedding.

In each of the classes, we teach, we discuss, and we try to get the couple to talk about their thoughts, temptations, fears, etc. to bring it out in the open - and then work through things that need to be worked through.

Sometimes the couple has a conflict (or it's revealed they didn't actually resolve a conflict) in the midst of the sessions.

Hello ducky!

So I used to be a believer in what I imagine is much the same way you are now. I recognize the way you've written to us here. Please don't be scared - I'm not going to mock you or try to change you, that's not my place. I am however going to talk to you about something very important that not many women in our shared faith mention, but many experience. I heard it whispered about a lot when I was younger.

I was raised in purity culture too. I messed up and didn't wait for marriage, but I read Joshua Harris, I wanted to court instead of date, and at one point I even wanted to save my first kiss for the altar and then run barefoot down the aisle holding my new husband's hand after the pastor announced us wed. I was raised a very conservative Evangelical Christian.

I suffer from something called Vaginismus (link is to the Cleveland Clinic, just an explanation). It means that when I try to have penetrative sex, my pelvic floor and vaginal muscles lock down, and it can be painful, or even impossible to have sex at all. In my case many many years after I left the church, it still happens and I struggle even with tampons.

There are many causes for it, but one of them is anxiety. If doesn't matter how comfortable or loved I feel consciously, it just happens. I suspect a part of it was because I went from being told that sex was sinful until I'm married, to having sex (in or out of marriage) very quickly without much knowledge or preparation.

It can be a bit of a shock to our bodies and our minds to go from the belief of keeping ourselves pure, to suddenly being encouraged to have sex.

Sex is supposed to be fun. We are one of a few species who have sex for both pleasure and reproduction. However, anxiety, sexuality, and unknown medical issues can make it really difficult if you're not prepared.

I know you'll both be excited and scared, but do your best to go slowly. You have your whole lives ahead of you. Don't be afraid to use a water-based lubricant, it'll help a lot. Sex does not need to hurt if done well. It doesn't mean you don't love him if you need lube, bodies are weird sometimes. Use the toilet when you're done so you reduce your risk of a urinary tract infection (UTI).

Your consent matters. If you're not in the mood, if you don't like it for any reason, even if you're in the middle of it, you're allowed to say no. If he doesn't listen, that's a crime. No is a complete sentence, and your wedding vows are never implicit consent.

Your pleasure matters. You are allowed to orgasm too, in fact, it's better that way. How that works for your body needs to be discovered in your way, in your time. I do suggest you read "Intended for Pleasure", which is the gold-standard book for Christian couples.

There's a lot more I could say but this is already a novel. Please feel free to DM me if you feel comfortable. I genuinely hope your wedding night goes well and that you have a wonderful, long, happy, healthy, life together. 💜

Actually, the "plumbing" can be trusted to work reliably. Some may find it useful to consult books on sex techniques (i.e., "marriage manuals") if they really run into problems in this area, such as "Intended for Pleasure," which is written from a Christian viewpoint.

https://www.amazon.com/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian/dp/0800719379

It's much more important to maintain holiness in God's sight in this area by waiting, especially when people carry around memories of sexual encounters with prior partners that can damage their later marriages.

Rest in the pleasure that God has made in marriage.

My wife read "intended for pleasure" ( https://www.amazon.com/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian/dp/0800719379/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=intended+for+pleasure&qid=1566927300&s=gateway&sr=8-1 )

we were both virgins, and it took us a few days of trying to figure out how this works. There is some pain at the beginning, but you will get the hang of it. Be open to exploring, tell your husband what you enjoy, what turns you on, and ask him what he enjoys and what turns him on.

Adventure is out there - go discover together

If you want the science, then waiting to have sex until you are married is, for most people, the best thing you can do to maximize happiness in your marriage, and satisfaction in your sex life.

http://waitingtillmarriage.org/category/statistics/

Speaking from experience, my husband and I waited, and we think that it really helped. We were able to develop our sexualities and our sexual styles together. What turns you on is shaped by your sexual experiences. By waiting to be with only eachother, you are more likely to be compatible, not less.

Remember to communicate. Sex isn't as easy to do as it looks in the movies. It took my husband and me almost two months to consummate. Other people manage it on their wedding night. Whichever type you are, don't forget to communicate about what feels good to you, and what you want.

Please do talk about your expectations for sex before you get married, though. Talk about frequency, what you'd like to try, what you don't want to do, etc. And then, keep that conversation going. As you guys start enjoying your intimacy together, you may find you want to try things you didn't think about before. My husband and I found this book invaluable. Seriously. It was better than the Guide to Getting it On.