Couple's counseling with a therapist.
You need a third party who can validate her being heard and explain to her that she isn't being good to you by denying something that treats your medical condition.
Also, the book "Is it You Me or ADD" might help her find her feet in the relationship.
I'm just starting this journey with my spouse (who's male, but also has a severe trauma history that's just now being addressed, and we're in our 40s), so I empathize with where you are. I'm getting a lot out of "Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?" by Gina Pera, though Melissa Orlov seems to be good too (my spouse is reading her relationship book, mentioned in another comment). We're taking one of Orlov's courses together starting next week.
I do find that Pera's approach has been more validating for the anger I've been struggling with, and feels super empathetic toward the experiences of both partners in the relationship. I'm soaking it up because there are tons of familiar stories, clear explanations and examples (including plenty with how it presents in women / people who are afab). It also weaves in practical strategies for how to reach/engage the attention of someone with ADHD.
Is your wife seeking medication in addition to therapy? That seems to be a key piece that allows all the others to become effective when practiced and used. I know we're not supposed to "parent" our partners, but IMO, when the disorder is preventing them from getting necessary care, something like making the appointment and helping them get there (even if just virtually/phone) would be a kindness, plus a faster way to get back on track.
One thing seems true across everything I've seen, experienced, and researched: we can support and empower, but we can't fix it for them. They have to participate in their own care, in an ongoing way. If you try to compensate for this without your wife doing their part of the work, it's a pretty awful path. I've been on it for years (the roller coaster descriptor is on point), and am just now finding hope - today's been a better day, and information is definitely power.
My girlfriend/now fiancée and I found this book to be a lot of help when I was diagnosied. If I were to start over, I would recommend my new partner to give it a read through as well.
As the SO of someone with ADHD, I recommend the book for you AND you partner Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder by Gina Pera
http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709
I like it because it doesn't scapegoat the person with ADHD and it doesn't expect the other partner to take up all the slack.
Not here to criticize your situation. To answer you question though.
Is it You, Me, Or Adult A.D.D.? (book) is an excellent resource so explaining how ADHD affects the afflicted party's behavior and thus their relationships.
As a tip to non-separated partners who may read this: My DX partner and I have been reading it together (I keep the e-book open on my PC, which we can both sit at)... The book is a lot of repetition for me, I dug in heavy even before the official diagnosis, but reading it together give us the opportunity to talk about the subjects covered as we go, and it allows me to hear how my DX partner thinks about these things and see that she's learning about them. She tends to just put these kinds of things off, and then also keeps her opinions and efforts to herself vs sharing. So reading it together has been really great!
Here’s my 2cents….
Firstly buy this book and read it yourself and then try encourage her to read it, or get the audible version to play in her car etc - is it you me or adult adhd
This will help with communication issues, and understand both points of view.
Secondly, me and my wife were on the verge of breakup before I started meds two months ago. Constant arguing, bickering. I was totally unaware of how much she was supporting me and she had grown a huge resentment for it. Since starting meds we have not argued since and that’s not an exaggeration. So hang in there :)
Let’s address the ADHD part of this. He can’t help having the medical condition but choosing not to do anything about it is like a guy who has a broken leg but instead of getting a cast and crutches he hops around on one leg while cursing at everyone around him that it’s their fault. Check out the book “Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?” It’s not just an issue of communication but it will affect you in many other ways. Does he suddenly get irritated at small things? Lose his temper at you? Refuse to budget or manage money responsibly? Impulsively say very hurtful things and later apologize, but he does that over and over, never learning from his mistakes?
There's a lot of information, actually, regarding ADHD/ADD's relationship to the sex drive. I'd check out this book, but fair warning sex part is a slim section in the book.
Congratulations on getting help for your ADHD. My husband has recently had revelations that he is ADHD and is looking into solutions also. There's a book that I've looked into, but not gotten, that might help, perhaps for her more than you, but now that you're medicated, maybe reading a book is something you could do. I don't mean for that to be condescending, honestly, I believe that your life will improve in every direction and that you will find yourself a more capable person. I think you should be very excited and I wish you the best of luck.
A small aside, which is my personal experience that may not apply to you at all, guard yourself against a bad relationship with alcohol and other substances. The ADHD brain is simply more prone to substance abuse.
So there's a lot of things going on here. Number one, is her ADHD, depression, and anxiety being medicated for as best as they can be? I don't know how long you've been married here, but gaining 80 pounds can easily be a side effect of any of those three issues.
Intimacy issues in ADHD couples is apparently also very common. Distracted lovers, uninterested, unmotivated lovers, lovers with sensory and focus issues, uncooperative lovers, and easily bored lovers.
I've read on r/ADHD that this book is helpful.
I see in the comments that social stigma and financial concerns are keeping you in this relationship. If you're not leaving no matter what, and since you're obviously too guilt ridden to 'morally cheat' and in a too conservative circle to amicably open your relationship.... then why not try harder? Do you really think that if she rights her ship, you're going to stay miserable and celibate?
I think that's ridiculous, and if it's the case, that you should really, really, really leave her. It is possible.
But I suspect you would want her again if things got sorted. Try harder. Push her to handle her issues. Read some books, and start looking for ways to make your life a bit better, buddy.
My husband has ADHD and I found this book really helpful. (Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit, by Gina Pera) It helped me understand him better, it's realistic, it doesn't scapegoat the person with ADHD and it doesn't expect the non-ADHD person to take up all the slack. You can get it as an audio book if that's easier.
I was in a similar boat several years ago... the biggest thing that helped turn this around was seeking out help for myself ON MY OWN. This brought a lot of calm to my fiancee: seeing me take the initiative (not something I had much of then) to make my life, and hers, better by seeking treatment.
I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist, getting an official diagnosis and beginning to work on a prescribed medication regiment to help with your symptoms. I would also recommend a psychologist who specials in adults with ADHD so you can start to come up with successful habits.
I would also HIGHLY recommend the book <em>Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder</em>. Absolutely fantastic read from the point of view of BOTH the partner with ADHD and the non-ADHD partner. I truly believe that book saved my relationship.
I won't say anymore to put emphasis on what I linked. Buy that book or check it out from the library, both of you need to read it.
You know it almost came to that several times in our relationship. We are together four years as of March. I wish I would have discovered this book a long time ago: I highly recommend reading it so you have the tools to be successful in your future relationships: http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709
First: you need to talk to him and his doctor. Psychiatrists like having feedback from loved ones because they often notice things about us better than we do.
Start with this book. It will help you feel better and understand him, plus if you put the work in first it will be easier to ask him to do the same (and possibly read that or another book to help him).
Some stuff to keep in mind in the meantime:
Off the bat, having read your other post, as a man who was not diagnosed until my early 30s, my instinct is to try to reach out to your partner and tell him to run far, far away. I don't think you have the first clue how his brain works or how much (or little) of what he does that is driving you away is voluntary. Your post made me hurt inside because I've been with a partner like that who made me feel absolutely awful about myself for years to the point my personality was unrecognizable to friends and family who had known me the longest.
However, you say that you want to help, and so taking you at your word I'm going to give you a resource to read as a starting point. The book "Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD" by Gina Pera (Amazon link included) is aimed at the partners of ADHD adults, and offers both explanations of many common issues that arise in ADHD relationships, along with many real-world examples from various couples, and guidance about the help available for both partners in the relationship. If you're going to look one place as a starting point for deciding whether or not you have the will to make this work, I'd go there.
I wish both of you the best as you deal with this. Please, though, do deal with it in some way and don't just let this simmer and ruin more years of your lives. I promise you he's suffering as much as you are here even if he's ashamed to show it.
I've read a book that explained part of this from the without-ADD side of the relationship: Book by Gina Pera
The chemistry of a new relationship gives that extra bit of novelty that lets things stick in our memory. It fades and leaves us with ADD problems that "weren't there before," surprising our partners as we "change."
I already use a few of yoinkmasta107's tips, especially the many reminders rule.
Check out this book. It's one of the few books about ADHD that is geared toward the non-ADHD person in a relationship. It might be too late for you and your now ex-gf, but it may be a great help in the future.
Oh man, I have to say I hope you stick with this mentality!! It can be frustrating, but it can also be very worth it. I wish my wife had tried, we might not have ended in divorce. Let her know she has a good one!
As for recommendations, I have a few.
The best (in my opinion) is: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0981548709/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_KNY.FbGN9D6S2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Followed by:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608822281/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_5PY.FbC08QSTP?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
And last but not least (actually, I guess it is kinda least in this list, but still a great resource):
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1886941971/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_CQY.FbF36V433?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Unfortunately I don't have direct experience of a partner who read these and improved the relationship, but I read them and felt that it would have helped immensely. The few bits I was able to get her to read or paraphrase to her really reduced some of the conflicts.
But, as others said, just familiarizing yourself with it can be huge. That being said, it can be daunting on both sides. In my marriage we had a constant issue with her not being patient or understanding of my shortcomings, and if I mentioned that it was my fault, I'm sorry, but please give me a little extra understanding because my symptoms contributed or made it worse/more difficult, she would get upset and accuse me of making excuses. She would complain at times that she felt like everything was a symptom. It got bad enough that she made me worry that my entire personality was defined by ADHD.
One thing that makes it so hard is that because it affects how you react to stimuli and how you process thoughts and feelings, it really does touch every part of your being. That doesn't mean you aren't an individual, but there's probably nothing in your life that isn't affected in some large or small way by your disorder.
Anyway, I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck. Ideally, ask your partner to read those books with you, and also recommend:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1606233386/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_jWY.Fb89J0N3C?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
(She can skip the first couple chapters or that one if she is already diagnosed and getting help)
I just found a book titled "Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.: Stopping the Rollar Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder". I can't recommend it yet, but am really hoping this it the book I can give to those I love as a users manual for my brain.
Eeeep "just an excuse"? OP I hope you can get your partner some good info from this post - but also I hope your partner is open to listening to it. Love is based on trust and acceptance, this is apart of you for better for worse.
First: wanted to second that youtube video /u/vlkemist noted. Dr. Barkley is awesome. If your partner is good about reading than I suggest the following:
In depth information aimed at couples. Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder by Gina Pera (Author), Russell Barkley (Foreword)
Also many people will tell you the classic Driven to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell M.D., John J. Ratey M.D. is a good basic ADHD primer.
Good luck - :)
This book explains SO MUCH about the dynamic in this type of relationship: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0981548709. I'm 5 years into one, myself!
Sure thing. Your post resonated with me a lot. My NDX partner and I moved in together after dating for like...two or three months. He was twelve years older than me. In that short time I bailed him out from being overdrawn two or three times. I paid for almost all of our outings. I picked up the slack. I'd also gone through a recent divorce, so my head was all over the place. About four years later we split up. He never stepped up and began to argue with me about him not being gainfully employed (telling me "It's only a problem because you decided to worry about it"), being more of a jerk and becoming increasingly distant, being a messy, gross person and refusing to pick up the slack, and all sorts of things that ultimately made me realize we weren't compatible. I'd neither set nor enforced any boundaries with him, and we would have the same conversation about him needing to pick up the slack and do more things, but it never changed. I was so lonely and sad, and I was angry and full of resentment. When we had the breakup conversation, he said "Well, that sucks," and later, "I was going to build a life here" in the home that I own. I was struck by the self-centered statement and the "was going to" future-thinking but never present-acting statement.
He almost immediately began seeing someone else who helped him realize he probably has ADHD, but it doesn't seem like he's done much of anything to improve. He got mad at me for not being nice enough to him, and even texted me a couple of times post-breakup demanding me to tell him nice things. He got mad at me for not taking control of his life and making him wake up early in the mornings. He got mad at me for not recognizing his ADHD (?!?!), and was generally doing the classic RSD/blame others/freak out moves.
And like a lot of people here recommend (myself included), Gina Pera's Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D. is super, super, super helpful. I'm now partnered up with a fella who is DX and RX (Adderall; he needs therapy), and it is hard, but at least we know what we're dealing with. If the two of you can be an active partnership and work together, things will be so much more doable. I hope y'all can find a healthy, happy path forward.
‘Is it you, me, or adult add’ is a good book.
I enjoyed this book that’s for adults: Is it You, Me, or Adult ADHD?
https://www.amazon.com/You-Me-Adult-D-D-Attention/dp/0981548709
Definitely talk with someone about it, and it's also worth bearing in mind that many people who are partnered with someone who has ADHD can find themselves exhibiting ADHD-like behaviors/habits. If I recall (I need to go find the section), Gina Pera talks about this in Is If You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.: Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder and then there's this blog post at ADDitude Mag.
When I'm running at full speed for long bouts at a time, it wears on me. I am forgetful. I feel frayed. My time management suffers. Whether it's something like that or ADHD, figuring out better methods and habits for you and your family is key. And getting your partner in on that shift is also very important.
My partner has been diagnosed with about two years ago, we have been together for ten.
When he got his diagnosis, I felt really bad for all the times I judge him and that we fought about household chores. Now, I understand better and I know that he is not being lazy or misogynistic whenever he leaves tasks undone, but it takes a lot of effort from my side to meet him with kindness and generosity, because it can be incredibly frustrating for a non-ADHD partner. I would say, start a conversation with your partner acknowledging her frustrations, and that it is okay to feel a bit nervous about your diagnosis (although it is a relief, you are probably nervous to are too!).
Then, start from there discussing together solutions that could make your life together easier in terms of logistic, what tasks are you more prone to do to relief her workload around the house. This will make her understand that ADHD is not a relationship death-sentence and that you are keen on working things out from your end because you care about how it affects her as well.
Lastly, make piece with the fact that she will never understand you 100%. I try my best to be understanding and patient with my partner but sometimes it’s really difficult to understand why is it so hard for him to do very simple tasks. I am not ADHD, therefore, I’ll never fully understand how it’s like to be under his skin. We have made piece with that, but it takes time and a whole lotta love 😁
Finally, there are a lot of nice resources you can use to get her more into it. One of the things that made me very empathetic towards my partner’s struggles was this talk by Jessica McCabe. She also has a channel that shares a whole lot of scientific information about ADHD, definitely worthy checking out (maybe watch it with your partner 😊). There’s many good books about ADHD, I could recommend this one, if you want to also try to understand better your partner’s side of the coin.
There’s also r/ADHD-partners, but I must worn you that there is a lot of frustration and sadness in that sub. People tend to reach out when they are sad and desperate, so you can very easily fall into the “my relationship is doomed” fallacy. Remember that the successful ADHD relationships are the ones you don’t hear about!
Good luck in your new chapter 😊
This is one of my favorite books on ADHD, and it has a chapter dedicated to this topic:
Thank you so much for this honest, earnest window into what our partners with ADHD experience. I've been reading as much as I can now that my (mid-40sF) husband (mid-40sM, DX'd) is diagnosed, on the road to being fully/properly medicated, and I know what I'm dealing with. Just like I need and deserve his compassion for an "invisible" neurological and chronic pain condition that makes my life hell, he needs and deserves mine - which can be tough when his condition results in behaviors that aren't compatible with a happy, healthy marriage. But we're both trying hard AND trying differently now.
I cannot recommend Gina Pera's book enough - it's incredibly eye-opening and validating for non-ADHD partners, without in any way putting down the partner with ADHD, and is a wonderful, validating read that may help your partner understand and approach your condition with more compassion. It's become so much easier for me to perceive behaviors as symptoms instead - and not shockingly, that perception changes how I react. I often still feel deceived, misled, gaslit, etc. But he can recognize symptoms when I call them out, which is validating for me, and then it's easier for me/us to work through what happened and how it could have gone better. It's not perfect but we're just starting to learn, and doing it together instead of in opposition.
If you come across Melissa Orlov's work/course, it could be a good framework for conversation, but be wary - there's some misdirection in her approach, especially around the subject of anger and of the partner's role in discussing meds.
For example, your partner might wish you and your docs could discuss an option that keeps you getting the benefit of meds throughout your day - for your well being as well as for your marriage. The "wearing off" seems to be a common trouble in relationships, especially if the partner with ADHD works a daytime schedule that naturally results in the meds wearing off by the time you return to home life. We ended up adding a shorter-acting mid-day dose to my husband's regimen, and it's made evenings better - again, not perfect, but better. You deserve the full-day benefit of relief, too.
Hey! I see a lot of comments pointing out that these behaviors are directly related to the fact that your partner is not actively managing his ADHD. Some folks have shared their experiences in dealing with the difficulty of being in a relationship with someone who sincerely wants to support you but simply doesn't have the brain structure and neurotransmitters needed to follow through on their promises and values.
If I may recommend something, I found myself in a similar relationship structure and this book (which I listened to as an audiobook) was profoundly helpful in better understanding myself, my partner, and just not feeling so alone and gaslit: Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder
To get a base understanding of ADHD in adults, I highly recommend this book also, written by a foremost expert in defining and understanding the disorder: Taking Charge of Adult ADHD. It provides a lot of valuable context in understanding why your partner behaves the way he does and what behaviors are linked to ADHD and what's just personality and attitude. It even covers how ADHD makes emotional self-regulation more difficult, leading to anger or frustration being expressed inappropriately.
Also, I hate to repeat the advice of others, but if your partner's ADHD symptoms are about to cause him to lose a major, loving relationship, his ADHD is not under control. Something has to change to allow him to actually manage it, whether that be medication or counseling or external interventions. Trust me, you are right in your faith that he loves you and wants to make you happy. There is a neurological barrier to his following through on his desire to be a good partner.
Finally, I want to share a bit of personal experience. I found these books when my partner was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult after we had been together 5 years. The insight in those books, especially the hard honesty in Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D. regarding the ways that well-intentioned folks, including doctors, counselors, and your own partner, fail to recognize that non-work dysfunction is important to address and the unhealthy dynamics which arise when this dysfunction is left unchecked. It also provides good advice regarding setting loving boundaries about what is and is not acceptable and how to talk about the amount of support that is fair to expect from you.
Loving someone with ADHD should not mean that you have to pick up after them and fight their battles for them. It's deeply unfair to both of you, hard as it is to say. He needs to get the skills to be self-sufficient with or without you. Covering for his inability to manage his own household is preventing him from becoming self-reliant. That said, it would be foolish not to admit that it is painful to watch someone fail at a hurdle that you know you could've helped them over. But they need to learn to use their support system (doctor, counselor, medication) without depending on you to save the day.
In case anyone also worries that I'm being too harsh on folks with ADHD, I am one. After my partner was diagnosed and I read up on the disorder, I recognized an uncomfortable amount of myself in the descriptions and was diagnosed with ADHD-C. Medication, specifically finding Concerta after a few months of trial and error, has been life-changing. I don't feel so much frustration about not being able to achieve the goals that are important to me, I don't take criticism as harshly and my day is not derailed by small hiccups that used to leave me scrambling and self-loathing. My partner and I talk about the difficulties we have as us vs. the symptoms and come up with unorthodox but successful ways of managing them. There is so much less stress and we feel so much more empowered knowing that we love each other and our absent-mindedness does not reflect a lack of respect.
First, know that what your girlfriend is feeling and expressing to you is valid. What she is saying is extremely normal for a neurotypical person to say. Much of our ADHD behavior comes off as being rude or careless.
If I can guess, since you are about 6 months in, she's probably dealing with you becoming more distant. In the beginning, people with ADHD can overload a partner with love and romance and emotions. But then it dwindles. We get bored of it. We aren't bored of the person, but we are bored of the whole humdrum of romancing someone. So to the other person we seem detached or like we don't care anymore. This is usually the moment where relationships start having problems.
I kept having relationships with guys who seemed to suddenly, at about 4-6 months in, just not like me anymore. They'd start complaining about my behavior in ways they never did before. Suddenly I'm too messy. Or too loud. Or too chaotic. So, I'd end the relationship. I'd say "well you just don't like me anymore I guess."
So. There's a lot to unpack in your post. I'm going to try to break it up into easy bullets:
1.) If your girlfriend expects you to remember something important, she needs to see you write it down, put it in a calendar, etc. None of this "hey can you do the dishes later". You will say yes probably without even hearing her. She needs to tell you important things in a way that might seem condescending, but it's just how our brains work. What does she want you to do? When does she want you to do it? How does she want you to do it?
2.) The honesty thing is probably her offended that you say whatever is on your mind. This is on her to tackle IN THE MOMENT. As soon as you say something she thinks is "too honest" she has to say so and you need to talk about it. I'm terrible at stopping my impulse to say things and I often end up criticizing my boyfriend without meaning to. One time me loudly complaining "OMG THERES WAY TOO MANY ONIONS IN THIS" turned into a fight that almost ended our relationship. And tbh there weren't that many onions. I just got a lot of onions in a bite and my brain was like "say this thing and make your partner feel bad!!" Again, this is something that has to be dealt with as it happens. It's no use bringing it up later because you'll be like "I never said that." And she will want to slap you.
3.) Your intentions don't really matter. Maybe you don't intend to be mean or disrespectful but the fact is, to HER you are being mean. And neurotypical people would file that info away and not do that thing next time. With ADHD we might store that info but we don't use it when we need it. We keep doing it. And to our partners that seems careless. SO you need to figure out a solution. Maybe it's a look in public or a touch on your shoulder. Your girlfriend is probably way more aware of how you appear to others in social situations than you do. Use her normal brain to your advantage.
4.) Instead of just saying "sorry it's the ADHD, can't do anything about it until I get a dosage increase", try something like this: "Sorry, that was rude of me (or inconsiderate, whatever). The ADHD makes it difficult for me to [whatever behavior] but I am working on improving that. Can you help me figure out a way to stop doing that in the future?"
Also, SHE needs to 1) accept that you have ADHD and that your diagnosis is valid and 2) accept that you are not your diagnosis and know how ADHD affects behavior by reading books or videos, etc.
There are people who definitely do use ADHD as an excuse for shitty behavior. Me having ADHD doesn't give me the right to continue to say rude things to my boyfriend. But the success of your relationship will rely on both of you understanding how the ADHD affects you, her, and the relationship. Is it worth all that work? That's for you to decide. I personally see my partner as a HUGE help in my life. But it took a long time for him to understand me and my ADHD.
Some books that are helpful:
Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD
AND if you still have difficulties, a therapist who has experience with adult ADHD and relationships will be a god send. Good luck!!
Great book on the subject of ADHD and relations:
https://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709
It will be able to answer all your questions in way more detail than our responses ever could.
Can I recommend you watch a webinar that is free for the next 24 hours. It is about this very subject, what to do when a family member has ADHD. It is a webinar that is done by one of the leading ADHD experts (we have other videos by him in the wiki and sidebar) but right now there is a free ADHD webconference where they are airing videos from 36 ADHD experts live and for free for 24 hours after the live video and right now this ADHD expert, Dr. Barkley who just written a book on this subject is airing his video.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/5t4tl3/dr_barkley_live_webinar_right_now_and_can_also_be/
Note this ADHD expert has written over 200 scientific journal articles on ADHD.
He also recommends (and I have read this book too and it is great). This book
Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder Paperback – August 31, 2008
Note I can share many other good videos by him and others but this one is free only for a limited time and thus I recommend watching it today or tonight.
Here is a great book, written for partners to those with ADHD. Lots of helpful things.
Buy this book. Read it and ask her to read it.
I'm right with you on falling asleep during lectures. What helped me/my family alot when I was diagnosed was this book "http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709" and watching a well renowned professor and educator on ADHD "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhIO-utZLI0". Those two sources are a good starting point considering you are already on r/ADHD. And my advice for depression medication is to keep in mind that it is not perminant. It should help you to understand, train, and cope with your current depression. ADHD meds and anti-depression drugs don't really mix well considering that they do opposite things (stimulant vs depressant). Continue to think positive and wake up every day thinking positive thoughts. Try your best to surround yourself with positive people/atmospheres.
Best of luck and I hope I helped a little.
This book is often reccommended around here. Lots of relationship questions today, maybe the mods should add it to the sidebar.
#1 Watch the Dr. Barkley Videos on youtube. He needs to watch these videos, but you need to also watch him prior to you marrying him. It will help your relationship but it will also help you both stop conflict and needless suffering with the man you plan on marrying. Here are some of the videos on youtube but there are more.
30 Essential Ideas you need to know about ADHD now this video is long but it covers so many topics. That is why the video is in chapters for effectively it is a mini series you can skip around and come back to.
Part 1: The neuroanatomy of ADHD and Part 2 The Executive Functions ADHD destroys and how this effects self regulation. This video explains the problems created, helps you understand them, and then tells you how to treat them by modifying your behavior and modifying the enviroment.
#2 These two books are also good
#3 There are many different types of ADHD medications, what meds work in one person suck in another person and cause things such as emotional side effects. No person should every have to do emotional side effects. That said the emotional side effect stop when you stop the med and you can always try a different med for there are 6 plus mainstream types of ADHD medications that work very differently in treating ADHD.
I wrote far more on this earlier today in another thread
Now if your fiance does not want to do meds that is fine, there are other treatments that treat ADHD that are non med based such as these. But meds plus non meds used together at the same time work better than either alone.
If this is a good relationship, obviously pursue advice from other commenters. Just don't get so hung up on the sunk cost of planning a wedding and building a relationship that you think saving the relationship is the only right call.
If you've never left a bad relationship before, make sure you give this some consideration. If you have, then you're probably a little better equipped to evaluate the situation. I suggest this book.
I encourage you to read the book Is it you, me, or adult ADD. The book is spot on and written for spouses of people with ADHD.
Like others have said. It isn't his ADHD which is driving you away. He MAY not be on the right medication due to his continued abuse of drugs. Often when properly medicated the brain doesn't need to seek the stimulation in drugs/alcohol.
I suggest you read the book Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD by Gina Pera. She also has a blog adhdrollercoaster.org.
Here are some past threads on ADHD relationships which you also might find some advice.
http://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/17itl1/living_with_my_addadhd_boyfriend_is_killing_me/
http://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1csekm/frustrated_spouse_of_an_adhder_and_really_needing/
If you find he is using ADHD as an excuse not to change, that is not acceptable. People with ADHD can change their habits it just takes a lot of work (and support). It also takes longer than others. But both partners will have to make an effort. Sadly, leaving him might be the best decision for making you and your child happy and safe. But I hope it does work out for you!