What is Reddit's opinion of It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single?

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I think part of the issue here is you see your worth as defined by your relationship status. If you are single it's because you're "on the bench". You feel inferior or fear that you are perceived that way.

I relate heavily to that fear. I found this book helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-You-Reasons-Single/dp/0399162879

It's actually written for women but I found it helpful as a male and it's thrust is largely gender neutral in nature.

Life is unfair. There are good people who never find love. Love is about fit. It's very difficult to find fit. Plenty of terrible people have no problem finding love.

There isn't an easy answer here.

In my experience and what I’ve seen, women tend to evaluate whether they see long term potential with a guy in the early stages and before sleeping with him. Then a deeper attraction to him grows with greater intimacy.

Men tend to have a physical attraction first and then work out later whether they see long term potential, usually after sex and around a couple of months. This is often when men end it and it can appear like they just wanted to get to the sex part but in reality, they didn’t consider whether they were compatible until after sex.

That might be what is happening. I don’t think there’s any avoiding it really. It sucks because it all seems like it’s going well.

I would really recommend the book It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single

It can help with the mind fuck that goes on in our heads about why we don’t have someone yet.

So many hours I’ve wasted trying to analyse the thoughts/feelings/intentions of someone I’ve dated who has rejected me. Much less time was spent thinking about the people that I ended things with. Why didn’t he think I was good enough? Why couldn’t he just communicate what he needed instead of pulling away? Why? Why? Why?!

I don’t have any secret other than it doesn’t matter because the outcome is still the same, that you shouldn’t and won’t be together. All the information you need about the situation is there in his actions; that you shouldn’t want him because he is flakey and inconsistent.

You may have more of an anxious attachment if someone pulling away or rejecting you makes you think about and want them more.

Someone on this subreddit mentioned this book and it has been really helpful for me: It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong Reasons You’re Single) Can we all improve our people and relationship skills? Of course. But people all over the world have successful relationships without being masters of these skills. At the end of the day, you are you. Someone will want you for you when you meet the right person.

Someone on this subreddit mentioned this book:

It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

It has been so refreshing to read because everything else (especially targeted at women) implies that if only you played harder to get, straightened your hair, were a nice bitch, etc then you would have a man.

I’ve been dating the past couple of years, nothing lasting more than 2-5 months and it wasn’t until recently when I met someone who it just clicked with. Me wanted me as much as I wanted him. There was no text analysing. There were no debriefs with the friend circle to try to figure out what was going on in his head. We both just wanted to be together.

It was entirely luck that we met at a cheese themed trivia/quiz night. We were both taking a break from dating apps.

Now, I’m not saying wait on luck to me. You can still be proactive about being on dating apps, etc but it is kind of luck whether you meet your absolute match or not so don’t get too hard on yourself if it is taking longer.

I'm 36 and have never had a committed relationship. I read this book and it was just what I needed. I stopped thinking it was me, and realized it's really just a matter of luck. I'd also rather be by myself than with someone just to be with someone. Might be a good time to take a break (especially from OLD) and work on your confidence. Make some female friends that might have some advice.

RE: sex I agree with the comments below that every person is basically a blank slate. Just communicate and be attentive to what they like and it will be great.

When is it bad luck and when is it you, and why are the perspectives of single people doubted but people in relationships aren’t?

I have a friend who began an international operatic career at the age of 42. I don’t know if many of you know the ways of the opera world, but in 2018 that is ancient for a beginner in this field. She has a rarer, dramatic soprano voice that is harder to train, and spent years toiling away in NYC working as a secretary and not often auditioning because she was caught up in the singer/make-a-living-hustle that ruins so many young artists. She overcame several unsupportive and in her opinion incompetent teachers at a prestigious conservatory, years of being told she was not good enough and/or too old, and the self-doubt that comes via the lack of validation via steady work as an artist in one’s art of choice. Then she was pushed in front of a conductor by a friend who gave her a major role in an extremely vocally demanding opera. During the performance (for which she was given an only so-so review), a German agent heard her and was so excited that he promised to set her up for an audition tour in Europe. He even let her stay at his apartment. And so she sang for the one of the top opera houses in Germany, and was offered a lead role. Her debut was such a triumph that she was asked back to sing again in another opera last year.

I tell this story because when I asked her about her journey one thing stood out to me: She said she was the same singer before she won that contract for the major house that she was afterward. Sure, there are days when the stars really align, and when everything seems to work in your favor vocally, but that isn’t always necessary to win a job or even get rehired. There are countless factors at play that have absolutely nothing with the quality of one’s singing, and everything to do with the people who are listening to you on the other side of the table. But now, no one raises their eyebrows at her when she says her first teachers were charlatans and that she was unfairly ignored for years, or that the review she received before her star turn wasn’t accurate. No one doubts that she had been singing well for years before she was hired by the major opera company or that she hadn’t been simply wasting her time. Her perception is trusted because she’s now stood on the other side of river of “success” and her incredibly inspiring story isn’t simply dismissed as some wannabe singer.

I tell this story because I sometimes find it similar to dating. I went on a date with a guy over a month ago who totally blew me off almost immediately after he ejaculated on me. Since then, a lot of the "advice" I've received was essentially encouraging me to believe that I am not capable of evaluating when a guy led me on or used me for sex. It was my expectations or behavior that were wrong. Interestingly, had he then become my boyfriend, no one would say a word about our awkward beginning. I read Eckel's book last year, and wanted to post this but had exactly the fears she mentioned in the article I linked. Not anymore.

Anyone who doesn’t know Sara Eckel should check out her book .

> “Would your book be different if you wrote it when you were single?” > The answer: Not really. And that’s a problem.

>The premise of my book is that most single people don’t have to fix themselves to find love; they just need the good fortune to meet the right person, the one who adores them even if they still get anxious at parties or hate their thighs. I reached this conclusion when I was single myself, after many years of reading self-help books and answering workbook-type questions about my emotional baggage and my fear of commitment. At a certain point, I realized this was silly. There was nothing wrong with me, or any of the single people I knew—or at least nothing so wrong that it was keeping us from a relationship. There was no standard of self-actualization that separated the single from the married. It was just dumb luck.

>The observation was liberating, but I mostly kept it to myself. I was quite sure the general response would be like my friend’s: Sure, sweetie, you believe whatever gets you through the night. I worried that by revealing my heartache, self-doubt and—yes—anger, I would disprove my argument in many readers’ minds, prompting the age-old refrain No wonder she’s single!

> Of course, we all know that many single people are extremely happy, just as we know that many married people are utterly miserable. >But only single people are compelled to present their life satisfaction as evidence that they’re worth listening to.

• My ideas about open relationships being selfish are not lesser because I am single. Neither are any other single person’s.

• My ideas about misleading people about your intentions in order to have sex being unethical are not lesser because I am single. Neither are any other single person’s.

• My perception of the dating situations I’ve been in the past is not inaccurate because I am single. Neither are any other single person’s.

I am stubborn. I am strong willed. I am argumentative. I can be quite acrimonious to people who I believe have slighted me. I can be quite judgmental. I also have some boundaries with regard to sex that many men find prudish. Just like countless other gay men in the world.

But despite all of these flaws I have a respectable career in opera/classical singing, a job as a translator/voice over specialist, and some terrific friends. I can speak two languages and can get around in a third. I am somewhat politically active, don’t eat meat and love discussing films and books.

I may indeed be a mess, but I have plenty of coupled friends who are a mess and who would still co-sign this post 100%. And if I (or anyone else) ever reach a state of totally self-actualized nirvana, why the fuck would I even want a boyfriend? I’m never going to be perfect, but that doesn’t mean I’m not good enough. Same goes for everyone else here too. Happy Wednesday.

Oh and I highly HIGHLY recommend this book! "It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single" It was a great comfort to me during my single years https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-You-Reasons-Single/dp/0399162879

I feel like we lack single role models. The only single women I knew were weird and I didn't like them when I was in my 20s. But now that me and my other single aspie friends are older I realize that it's not so bad and we are quite happy and content.

Don't worry. Whatever happens you can find happiness in any situation. Single or with a partner and family.

I used to take advice like that to mean the person giving it thought I was a loser and not good enough. You're good enough... It's just difficult to find a good partner.

I found this a good book it's not you 27 (wrong) reasons you're single

A good book for consolation is https://smile.amazon.com/Its-Not-You-Reasons-Single/dp/0399162879?sa-no-redirect=1

I read something about people having different paths in life in one of the Reddit posts, It was quite helpful to me, but I can't find that post now. The gist of it was, while some people were planning to plan their life from a young age. Some of us were planning to kill ourselves. Now, some of us are just starting to figure things out, and that will take time. With struggle with mental illness, body insecurity, childhood trauma, and just living life, take the troll to plan our life and date someone.
I can't assure you that you will meet someone and have beautiful babies, and forever off to the sunset. Life is hard, and you are right to feel happy and sometimes struggle to celebrate other happiness. In the end, you would want them to be happy when you share good news too.

At the same time, others are creating their version of the fairytale. As a society, we are so doomed on social media and showing only positive stuff with a picture-perfect life. We will surely not share all the small bickering, significant differences, and the reasons for marriage (not saying all the marriage is doomed to failure). Maybe all those grasses indeed are not greener on another side. Maybe they are absolute in bliss, but they are not stealing our thunders too.
The wonderful about having friends from diverse groups is sharing experiences and sharing life memories. As we age, the connection seems to lessen and more lessen due to various constraints. Conflict is inevitable, but the resolution is a choice. Share your grievances with your friends. They will understand it, if not then (You should be glad, they show their face). Having babies and being married changes one's priorities. But people have managed those things. Lean in goes both ways. You can meet your friends while playing with their babies. Some of us can't afford to babysit. Try to make plans. However, there is a limitation too. I think you would be better to assess this.
You may find this book helpful, https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-You-Reasons-Single/dp/0399162879
She has also written in NY post, https://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/style/modern-love-sometimes-its-not-you-or-the-math.h

Podcast by Nicolas Byer, https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cub21ueWNvbnRlbnQuY29tL2QvcGxheWxpc3QvYWFlYTRlNjktYWY1MS00OTVlLWFmYzktYTk3NjAxNDY5MjJiLzhkMTk0OGIyLWQ1MTgtNGQ4OS04MDQyLWFjOGUwMTc2MGNmMS9iNjA5MGJhNy0xMzc4LTRhYjctODJiMS1hYzhlMDE3NjBkMDMvcG9kY2FzdC5yc3M?sa=X&ved=0CAMQ4aUDahcKEwjQ2NjrpvfyAhUAAAAAHQAAAAAQAQ&hl=en-NP

Lastly, invest in things you pleasure in life. As cliche as it seems, no one can make us happy as we can. Know thyself!

Hi! I moved here at 26 after graduating in tech and couldn't find a job because I was told only Comp Sci degrees matter, couldn't find a boyfriend, and literally have no living family except one person and we're not super close. It took me until 29 to actually find a job that wasn't a gig and until about 39 to find a boyfriend. So I have been there.

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-You-Reasons-Single/dp/0399162879

Please try to curb the drinking before that gets worse.

I got a cat at 32, it was the best decision, at least til I met the love of my life, who is allergic to cats.... but then he bought a house with two extra bedrooms specifically configured to isolate my cat to a separate wing and just finished building a bunch of new window perches for him this week. Anyway, cats are the best. Dogs are great, too.

Volunteer. It's hard to be engrossed in your own problems if you focus outwards.

Get as many hobbies as you need to get your mind off loneliness. One time I was so lonely that I pickled a whole walk in pantry full of vegetables. I have tons more examples like that. Once I googled 200 hobbies and wrote them down on a piece of paper and started crossing them off. This kept my mind off 'i'm going to be single with no family forever' thoughts.

Do not get sucked into rumination, even if it's the constant churn of self-help books. I found they just reinforce the feeling that something is "wrong" with you or you're doing something "wrong" or you'll magically unlock the secret formula to Finding A Boyfriend if you follow the next set of instructions and I wish I had just spent that energy going back to school for a Comp Sci degree earlier.

Austin will try to chew it up and spit you out, but have grit. Tons of gorgeous, smart, well educated, nice women are single AF is this city and they also make great friends.

Also, hold in there. My career is now great and my boyfriend is a handsome, sweet man that bought a house for my cat. Austin is just like the internet explorer of cities where you get the life you imagine but it takes way longer than it should for no apparent reason.