Absolutely! I recommend you read It's Ok That You're Are Not OK by Megan Devine. Read it twice!
Nights are the worst and living alone makes your grief a solitary experience. See if there are any grief support groups in your area starting up. I know many of them shut down during the pandemic. If you are in close physical proximity to others who share your sorrow, it can be very healing.
I also recommend reading at night. I recommend It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.
>I haven’t lost anyone close, but whenever I’ve thought of losing my mom, I can't wrap my head around how one continues to live without their mother.
At some point, we will all lose our parents. Suicidal ideation is very common in these situations. Grief can express itself in a myriad number of ways and most people have never had to confront it until it hits them right in the face.
It's important that you actually connect with her physically. No texts or tweets. Stop by, take her to dinner, shopping, ask her for some help, spend an evening with her, make a casserole and bring it over, taker her to her doctor's appointments, etc.
Grief is pretty much a solitary experience and physical isolation makes it worse.
I also recommend this book Its OK That You're Not Ok by Megan Devine.
It's certainly OK to not be OK - there's even a book about that It's OK That You're Not OK about grieving.
People say dumb crap all the time, it's best to just ignore it. There's no rules, and no one who hasn't been through it really knows what they're talking about. It's the difference between reading about being in shark-infested waters off the coast of Australia, and actually being there. I'm two years out and I don't see any joy ahead. Just go at your own pace.
>On one hand, I feel responsible. I feel guilty. On the other hand,
The death of a loved one is usually accompanied by feelings of self-recrimination and endless musing about "What if I ...". Doctors feel it, nurses feel and caretakers feel it. Not to be dismissive, but it is a common sentiment. You sound like you did all you could.
There is a book called It's OK That You Are Not OK by Megan Devine that I recommend, if you have time. Sorry for your losses.
- a nurse
Broken sleep, following a loss is not uncommon. It's your body reacting to the loss. It should get better in time, but grief has a habit of not following a set schedule. If you have time, I recommend a book called Its OK That You Are Not OK by Megan Devine.
I experienced insomnia and broken sleep for a few months after my sister died. I am so sorry for your loss.
- a nurse.
I recommend this book, "It's OK That You Are Not Ok by Megan Devine. It's very good for someone who has recently lost a loved one.
I am an outlier; a nurse and an Atheist. I see death every day, but its different when its "one of your own". As an observer and one who has attended religious ceremonies, my opinion is that this does seem to give some comfort but grief never really goes away.
Read "It's OK That You Are Not OK by Megan Devine. It's excellent.
This will be a tough time for you. So much of your life was tied up in being a caretaker. You are still a caretaker, but now you have to take care of yourself. I won't lie as it won't be easy.
I recommend reading It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.
There are grief support groups or at least there were prior to the Pandemic. I attended one 20 years ago after my mother died.
For me, it was enlightening to know that I really had no reason to complain as there were people there whose grief was far greater than mine. Some people had lost their toddlers to cancer, some had lost teenage children in car accidents or even homicide and there were people there who had lost their spouses, after 50 years of marriage. The grief was palpable.
Still, there is a healing quality when you are in the physical presence of others who share your burden, even if you say nothing but listen. If there is a support group in your area, I do recommend you give it a go.
Until then, I recommend It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine. I am a nurse and death has been all too common, these past two years.
"The death of one man (one you know) is a tragedy. The death of a million men (those you don't know) is a mere statistic". - Stalin. The italics are mine.
It's true. The death of a patient is like someone describing what it would be like to be punched in the face. The death of a loved on is that real punch in the face; two different experiences.
I recommend reading It's OK That You"re Not OK by Megan Devine. I have lost two family members in the past two years. I just look ok.
I am so sorry. Yes, it will feel very strange for awhile, I recommend a book called "Its Ok That You're Not OK". Its excellent.
You are still very early in the grieving process. What you are experiencing is fairly normal. It will lessen in time, but it never really goes away.
I recommend this book, Its OK That You Are Not OK by Megan Devine. Its excellent.
You did everything right. Sepsis kills more people than prostate and breast cancer combined. In an older person, even if they survive Sepsis, it sharply curtails their remaining years and quality of life.
You are in the beginning stages of grief and anger, self-condemnation and fear are all very much a part of the grieving loss.
I recommend It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine. Sorry for your loss. Take things one day at a time for the next few months.
You are still in the early stages of grief. Grief will play itself out according to its own timeline, not yours. Suicide just compounds the problem and I am so sorry for your loss.
If there is a grief support group in your area, a real one, not an online thing, I do recommend you attend. Although some of the stories are tragic, I found them to be very therapeutic.
I also recommend a book called It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.
I also recommend It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine. It's written from a secular viewpoint. No evangelical one-liners for the most part. I thought it was excellent.
That is complete nonsense. Grief has no time line, but other people do have their own agendas. Read It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.
You might enjoy reading It's Ok That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.
Grief is the heaviest of all human emotions and yet every human being experiences it. Don't ask me why because I don't know. I just know that this is a bad time for you.
If you have time, read It's OK That You Are Not Ok by Megan Devine. It's excellent. She lost the love of her life like you did. She is also a psychotherapist.
I wish that you find the compassion for yourself that you need. Beyond the tears, it is within you.
I recently read It's OK That You're Not OK, also by Megan Devine. It is also excellent. I wish she had written it 20 years ago.
If you have time, read It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.
I recommend reading It's OK That You Are Not OK my Megan Devine, if you have time. It's excellent. I wish I had read it 20 years ago.
You have to be wary of evangelical one-liners: better place, with the Lord, needed another angel, pearly gates, etc. This isn't really helpful, but it's not entirely their fault. They either truly believe it or they have never experienced the loss of a child.
Yes, anger is "a stage" but grief is not a train ride with a point of departure and a point of arrival. It's more like a roller-coaster.
In addition to the purchase of a punching bag, I recommend a book called It's OK That You Are Not OK by Megan Devine.
I have read her book Its Ok That You're Not Ok. I highly recommend it. Its on the secular side but I wish I had it 20 years ago.
I recommend reading It's Ok That You're Not Ok by Megan Devine. Its a fantastic book on the grieving process. She lost her fiancee when he drowned. He was the picture of health.
Lost, empty, and hurt might be your feelings for some time now. The harsh truth is that you will survive all this and might continue to feel miserable for awhile. Don't bother searching for answers as to when they will stop or go away, focus on becoming okay that you are not okay. Get Megan Devine's book, it might give you some answers from someone that really understands your pain (her husband died). Do everything and anything you can to survive your new life. Consider grief therapy, meditation, walks in nature, exercise, gaming, lots of TV, use your family and friends, your dog if you have one, and most importantly your love for wife and her daughter to survive this shit. Hopefully you won't use booze or drugs to escape the pain but if you do we understand.
My spouse fought her breast cancer for 14 years, we never had children because they told her in the beginning not to get pregnant for it would increase the risk of the cancer returning, even though it did return and continue to spread. If you need someone to talk with, don't hesitate to contact me.
>The best way I can explain our relationship was comparing it to Freddy Mercury and Mary Austin.
I know the story. As Shakespeare would say "they were star crossed lovers". He wrote "Love Of My Life" for her. Shakespeare often wrote about impossible loves. Oh and Freddie Mercury was my favorite singer.
I thought I was finding peace and when the one year anniversary of his death passed it felt like the grieving process started all over again.
Anniversaries are common triggers. Grief doesn't really ever end. You will carry this with you always. Some days will be better than others.
>I’m learning to live with it but is there any advice to give on what to do when you find yourself missing a lost loved one?
You will always miss them. It's what makes you human - helplessly human. I recommend reading It's OK That You're Not OK. I think you might find some comfort there. Wishing you strength.
I recommend this book, if you have time: It's OK That You're Not OK. Unlike terminal cancer or Congestive Heart Failure, suicide is much harder to deal with it. May you find the strength.
If you have time, I recommend this book, It's OK That You're Not OK
If you're comfortable doing so, I highly recommend buying them a copy of "Its OK that You're Not OK". It was a great comfort to me after losing my father.
If you're comfortable doing so, I highly recommend reading "Its OK that You're Not OK". It was a great comfort to me after losing my father.
Death does change you. Freud wrote about this over 100 years ago in his seminal essay Mourning and Melancholia. Grief is the price we pay for having loved, but grief will subside in time.
Mourning has a tendency to surface from time to time throughout the rest of our life. There are triggers associated with loss. I am reminded of the Beatle song "In My Life".
Recent books about grief, at least on a secular platform say that "getting over grief or loss" is probably the worst thing you can try and do. Grief has it's own timeline.
I recommend reading It's OK That You Are Not OK by Megan Devine. I recommend this to families who have undergone loss.
- a nurse.
Sorry. I am a nurse, but I do understand that this can be overwhelming, especially him being a loved one. People die. It's part of the natural order of things.
There are two books that I recommend: It's OK That You're Not OK and How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies.
Sorry for your loss.
Seeking out other grieving, sad or angry widowers can in some cases help you to feel a little less alone in your situation. It might not make you feel as lot better but it could give you a little something, a little comfort to help you survive all this.
If the therapy is not helping you or you are not feeling comfortable doing the sessions at this time or with this therapist, just don't do it. You can always go back or try again later with a different therapist. I tried it on several occasions with different therapists and decided I wasn't comfortable doing it at that time. However, having said that, as I understand, it does take time for one to feel the positive benefits of any thertapustic treatments, so we do need to be patient.
You are not only dealing with her death, but also with the trauma of her cancer battle, the horrors of what you experienced while taking care of her, and now with your loneliness and grief and perhaps even regrets. There really is very little that can make all of this go away quickly or at all. Based on my experience, it takes everything you can do to help you just survive and continue functioning.
To deal with the extreme loneliness and lack of sex, you might decide to find a new person as soon as possible to be with. But as you will read here over and over, that comes with a lot of painful emotions and feelings of guilt especially when you have been with and in-love with someone for so long, 17 years of a friendship, love and sex is not easy to replace.
Reading Megan Devine's book It's OK That You're Not OK helped a little. Spending time outside (during the warmer months) walking and hiking in parks. Exercise in general.
Family and friends can help but they are a double-edged sword, they can also hurt in some of the things they might say to you. As Megan addresses in her book, they mean well but generally can't relate or understand how their suggestions could be insulting or harmful.
Guided meditation helped me in several ways, improved my sleep which was horrible for years and gave me a comforting voice during the darkest and loneliest moments of my life. I used the Headspace app because they offer therapy type sessions that deal with the exact problems I was dealing with, grief, sadness, loneliness, regret and so much more. They are basic meditation trainings wrapped up with short discussion on the topic. You can try the first 10-minute meditation for grief and if you find comfort in his voice, you can subscribe to do all 30 sessions.https://www.headspace.com/meditation/grief
If it helps you to know I went through something similar; 28 years together, 14 year breast cancer battle, her final year and half being the most traumatic for both of us, and then the loneliness and lack of intimacy afterwards, there are things that you can do to make it, not better, but less painful, but it will take time. In my case it took years.
I like: It's OK That You Are Not OK by Megan Devine and I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye by Noel.
I am a nurse and we have lost so many over these past 2 years.
Check out https://refugeingrief.com/. Megan Devine's book It's OK That You Are Not OK is excellent.
I’m so sorry for your loss. And it must be so hard with lockdown. I found this book good for grief. https://www.amazon.com/Its-That-Youre-Not-Understand-ebook/dp/B073XXYKLP/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2NFQAI335TIT5&dchild=1&keywords=its+ok+that+youre+not+ok&qid=1609940823&sprefix=Its+ok%2Caps%2C236&sr=8-2
And join online grief support groups. You can join any in the world because many are online right now. As an example, meetup.com is a great place to look at. You can search in one place or google grief meetup.com and find https://www.meetup.com/topics/coping-with-grief-loss/
Grief is hard work. And I hope these items I mentioned can make your process supportive even while without seeing people in person.
I can all too easily believe your pain is too much to bear right now. Anyone’s would be. And, you definitely need and deserve help addressing it.
One place to look for help would be with your primary care doctor. I hope you already have one you like and trust. (If not, you can ask friends and colleagues for recommendations. If you already have an OB/GYN you like and trust, you can ask him/her for help finding a family practice doctor.) Your primary care doctor can recommend a therapist and can help you with medication to lighten your emotional load until you can get benefit from therapy.
I know it seems overwhelming to do this. But leaving a cult that is so controlling that it forces your family members to shun you takes incredible strength. So I know you can do this. I know you can take care of yourself. And you must take care. Right now. Every day, at least one small act of self-love and self-care. Today you wrote this post. You are capable.
I am not a therapist. But I grew up in a dysfunctional family, have lived through family alienation, got involved and then uninvolved with a cult, and lost my mom at 37.
One thing I learned is that there are 2 types of grief: normal and complicated. Both are painful, but normal grief runs its course and heals spontaneously. Complicated grief doesn’t heal without professional help. I think you already realize you will need professional help to work through the grief associated with your mother’s death.
Until you can get individual help, you might find insight, comfort, and companionship in this book: It’s Ok if You’re Not Ok.
The other issue you’ll need to unpack is religious trauma. I recommend this book Empty the Pews as a source of insight and comfort.
I can’t help but observe that breaking no contact has caused you a great deal of pain, and given you no peace of mind or comfort. It is okay to do or not do whatever is best for you from now on. You may not conform to their idea of daughter, sister or faithful person, but you can conform to your own. You have already given your mother the privilege of parting advice - what a generous gift that was - at no small personal cost. No more is required. Funerals are for the living - you need not go. Covid is a convenient explanation for everyone, today and in the future. If you have a goodbye you wish to say, you can send a letter. But know this: it’s 25 years since my mother died, and I still talk to her, so you don’t have a deadline.
Finally, focus on self-care like never before. You have a profound injury to heal. You need to lighten whatever obligations you can, rest and sleep, avoid extra stressors, get gentle exercise and fresh air, eat healthy food, and comfort yourself as though you are both mother and small child. Mental/emotional challenges such as you have right now require intense rest to manage. Your daze tells you more rest is needed - and it make take you days/weeks/months before you are adequately rested.
You are strong. You can do this. You can and will find good support from doctors and therapists and books - but you have already shown how well you can care for yourself and how determined you are to live your own life. This too shall pass.