It Wasn't Your Fault is a fantastic book on epigenetic (intergenerational) trauma.
I read a book written for survivors and abusers alike called It Wasn’t Your Fault and I noticed it had a lot of exercises for abusers that looked like they would be up your alley.
Highly highly highly recommend this book. I had a very hard time healing for many years even after talking to a therapist until I started reading this book and it has changed my life.
It's called It wasn't your fault by Beverly Engel
Amazon Link: https://www.amazon.com/Wasnt-Your-Fault-Childhood-Self-Compassion/dp/1626250995
Geez! It was really difficult to read through your response. It is such a dense prose and does not flow very easily.
My take away and responses:
> "I don’t want to admit those things/people have been in control of my entire life, the decisions I’ve made, etc. To admit that makes me “weak” that I let them change me, etc. I’m in no way saying my thinking is entirely rational, it’s just a spiral I’m on"
It is not human to go through trauma and not be affected. You can read on the science behind trauma. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your biology and nervous system. Everyone in a traumatic situation is deeply affected. It is no reflection of your being strong or weak. It is just like getting hungry. Does it show you are weak if you get hungry? NO.
By the way, do you have a therapist? Have you ever looked into IFS therapy for trauma?
There's a great book on the subject, 'it was't your fault - Beverly Engel' that you might find interesting.
Medications can definitely help, but sometimes when it comes to trauma and CPTSD, I feel like they are only "bandaids" that can assist us with coping with the symptoms - but they won't treat the cause.
Self-education and reflection through reading Pete Walkers <em>CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving</em> (his website's articles are awesome, too), and Beverly Engel's <em>It Wasn't Your Fault</em> were a huge assistance to my recovery starting out.
The other recommendation I would have are support groups and therapy. I understand how difficult it can be to find/access/afford a trauma-informed therapist, but I found a lot of support and assistance in codependency support groups (CODA.org) and Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.
I read another book based on Kristin's work.
https://www.amazon.com.br/Wasnt-Your-Fault-Childhood-Self-Compassion/dp/1626250995
This one is about shame and self compassion for trauma survivors. I found it very useful.
>That's a great pointer. I have only just recently begun to be more compassionate towards them, and I think that is the way forward. This sort of practice is very much influenced by Kirsten Neff's self-compassion exercises (#2).
Oh good! Yes, it feels like self-compassion is a really good way to handle this stuff. I have been working my way through this book and I have been finding it quite helpful. It's written in a very loving and kind manner and the exercises have been helpful. I also like her 5 step breakdown of self-compassion: self-understanding -> self-forgiveness -> self-acceptance -> self-kindness -> self-encouragement. I also liked and used these talks by Rob on compassion. I hear Kirsten Neff is also really good in this area - I believe she was one of the pioneers in compassion research.
>I usually do phrases, sometimes the "standard ones"* and sometimes I drop a question into awareness (What phrases shall I use?) and then see what comes up, discarding some and using others. Then I use those phrases the whole session. At times the feeling of metta will be stable and then I will radiate it, usually by moving it to the direction I am radiating towards. And then when I am being diligent and get distracted, I will send metta towards the distraction. When I practice meta-noting, which is very rare, I will send metta towards whatever arises.
It seems like our practice is more similar than dissimilar!
>With regards to my source, my introduction to metta was Bhante Dhammika's <strong>Like Milk And Water Mixed</strong>: <em>Buddhist Reflections on Love</em>.
Oh, interesting. I didn't know about that book. I just read a bit of it and liked his chapters on Family Love and Forbidden Love.