It sounds like you need to do some more work on your trust issues, but it also sounds like there are some issues between you two. Have you had a very honest, open convo with him about how you feel when he's texting other women? Is he fully aware of your past relationship and issues and how these triggers make you feel yet still continues to contact other women? I'm not saying he needs quit talking to others cold turkey, but he should be willing to work with you. Be open about letting you see the msgs to put your mind at ease. Maybe have convos with them in front of you, make sure you've met the women he is particularly close with so you can feel more assured that it is innocent. I think there are definitely ways for you guys to work through it but you need to be willing to have the conversations with him. Stay calm. Write things down, journal, whatever to get it out then have the discussion when you are calm.
I've read Living and Loving After Betrayl by Steven Stosny
It helped a lot with how you can only control yourself, ways to move forward with trust, etc.
Also, give yourself a break. People need different amounts of time to heal. You might need a little more time to work on yourself. Have you tried therapy? I have been working with talkspace and love my therapist.
Good luck!!! ❤❤❤
I am so sorry. But it's time to snip the cord. Go no contact. See an attorney. Tell the AP's husband if you want. Show him the FB post.
When he comes back and asks for another chance you just have to say no. Try this book.
It will be better in a year. It's a long recovery. Hopefully 7 months of the hell is over with.
Oh gosh, I can… I need to create a backdrop so you can have context. I have to be able to explain my “hang ups” to explain how I overcame them. So I apologize if this is long:
So I was married for 16 years to my ex husband, a diagnosed NPD and sex addict. I don’t have childhood trauma, a closed/rigid family system that would have led me into this marriage, as I have been told by my therapists I’m this “anomaly” in that regard, which had cemented further the negative cognitions I had about self and the faulty core beliefs I had developed over the years. I never noticed the signs of abuse because I had never seen them, they had never been displayed in my family of origin. My young naïve self didn’t quite understand the fullness of my religious beliefs, so the “forgive 70x7” was often used against me by my then spouse who was of my same belief system. This man I was married to could barely stay sober for 2 weeks at a time, so for 16 years I had this wound constantly being sliced open. Add three affairs to that, financial abuse, sexual abuse, physical, spiritual, mental, emotional…blah blah blah. But he was the type to get me to believe I had these issues and when I could finally solve them, “we” could be happy. Since I wasn’t perfect, I couldn’t expect him to be perfect, right? (Not realizing I had every right to ask for decent) So I suffered in silence. I never reached out to others. I never spoke of what was happening in my home. My dad was diagnosed with leukemia in 2012 and given 10 weeks to live. He lived about 6 months, and when he passed my ex left me 2 days after the funeral, on crutches from knee surgery, and again reminded me my mom was grieving and that reaching out for help was me being the center of attention. So, hopefully you can see all the limitations I had set in my own mind, and how I was firmly set in the victim category for a while. I had my first trauma response that led to an ER panic attack in Aug 2013. I couldn’t hide what was happening anymore, and my body still won’t let me hide anymore. That led to searching for answers.
I read this book that I discovered by fate. It was SO helpful and he has one line in there on page 2 that changed my world:
“You do not have to justify your hurt or fit it into any kind of category…All that matters is that it hurt you, and you deserve to focus your enormous emotional resources on the difficult task of healing, recovery, and growth.”
I realized how for years I had been hurting and was constantly forced to qualify to merely be “allowed” to feel hurt… not even do anything about it!!
He then writes “To recover, you must do what will make you feel more valuable and lovable, not temporarily more powerful.” Well, damn. When you’re constantly in dorsal shutdown, that never occurs to you. So that was my objective… to feel. Then I had to find value in my world. I wrote down things that lifted me. One day I looked out at the snow and noticed it was so cold the snow had ice and it shimmered like Diamond glitter-write that down. My dog that laid by me through all the tears—- write that down. That underdog story you saw on YT—write that down. When I felt down I went to that list. I LOOKED for value. After that, I started to make sure I live in a way that was loveable. That should not read people pleaser. Because to feel loveable requires respecting my own boundaries while simultaneously serving other people, seeing their value and being a part of something bigger than me. Engaging with safe people. I joined a group similar to this on FB. after a while I noticed how most people wanted to talk about their pain, vs how they could set boundaries and step out of the drama triangle and decrease their pain. I looked for individuals over groups that I wanted to align with. I invited people with healing objectives into my inner circle. People that helped me be compassionate with myself yet hold me accountable- and none of them were my family. My family couldn’t be what I needed because they didn’t go through what I had been through so they didn’t understand. All of this sounds very callous, it wasn’t. It was a journey of constant self discovery, constantly asked what I need to change or be more of, recognizing where I am wrong in my approach. I sometime had to recognize I was standing there holding a burning hot coal, screaming I was in pain, because my ex gave me the hot coal…. Okay? Then drop it? I can’t!! Then I won’t be reminded HE gave it to me. Stepping out of silence forced me to own what was mine to own: a lot of what I went through was a result of not understanding I had a right to boundaries, but setting boundaries also required me to face potential fallout by those that don’t want to be healthy. By talking with safe people openly, I would process, through conversation, and have these epiphanies. And then I started to recognize I would grow past people, and I needed to let them go on their journey, so I wasn’t dragging them or stunting myself. And that’s hard too. Because we don’t want to feel anymore loss or abandonment.
I’m sure I missed a lot, and this applies to my journey, I am not saying this works for everyone. So I would hate for anyone to walk away from this comment feeling defeated. Because we are all on our own path, and it’s something only we can discover which way works best for us. Feel free to reach out personally if you want.
Oh gosh, I can… I need to create a backdrop so you can have context. I have to be able to explain my “hang ups” to explain how I overcame them. So I apologize if this is long:
So I was married for 16 years to my ex husband, a diagnosed NPD and sex addict. I don’t have childhood trauma, a closed/rigid family system that would have led me into this marriage, as I have been told by my therapists I’m this “anomaly” in that regard, which had cemented further the negative cognitions I had about self and the faulty core beliefs I had developed over the years. I never noticed the signs of abuse because I had never seen them, they had never been displayed in my family of origin. My young naïve self didn’t quite understand the fullness of my religious beliefs, so the “forgive 70x7” was often used against me by my then spouse who was of my same belief system. This man I was married to could barely stay sober for 2 weeks at a time, so for 16 years I had this wound constantly being picked open. Add three affairs to that, financial abuse, sexual abuse, physical, spiritual, mental, emotional… the whole thing. But he was the type to get me to believe I had these issues and when I could finally solve them, “we” could be happy. Since I wasn’t perfect, I couldn’t expect him to be perfect, right? (Not realizing I had every right to ask for decent) So I suffered in silence. I never reached out to others. I never spoke of what was happening in my home. My dad was diagnosed with leukemia in 2012 and given 10 weeks to live. He lived about 6 months, and when he passed my ex left me 2 days after the funeral, on crutches from knee surgery, and again reminded me my mom was grieving and that reaching out for help was me being the center of attention. So, hopefully you can see all the limitations I had set in my own mind, and how I was firmly set in the victim category for a while.
I read another this book
Okay this isn't quite what you're looking for - but look at the author's other work - this was instrumental to me.
I think you may find these podcasts from Dr Omar Minwalla helpful and validating. Listen to them starting at the bottom of the page and work your way up.
Also the book Living & Loving After Betrayal by Steven Stosny. There's lots of actionable stuff in that book, with detailed writing activities to help you work through the betrayal. I hope those help 💛
I recommend this book
https://www.amazon.com/Living-Loving-after-Betrayal-Infidelity/dp/1608827526
It has really helped me since my ex wife had an affair and we got divorced.
This book might be helpful Living & Loving After Betrayal