> Basically, I feel like I am filtering myself when it comes to questions of our relationship. For example, when my wife wants to go on a date with just us 2, have sex, or when she wants to book a vacation with just us 2, or when she asks me existential questions like am I committed to our marriage, my gut reaction is "no, I don't want to be with her" but then I think more about it and decide that I should want to do these things and I should continue trying to improve our relationship (think "love is a choice" and "grass isn't always greener" etc.) After months of therapy and contemplation I can't seem to shake this "gut feeling" while at the same time I can't seem to logically justify to myself that leaving is an option. I often feel "phony" because I'm not really into her but at the same time I feel like a dishonorable asshole for not loving my wife enough. Btw, she (ENTJ) knows about this - through therapy pretty much all of my thought processes have come out.
It sounds like you're being triggered/startled/dysregulated by her proximity (physical and/or psychological) when she's putting you on the spot with emotionally-charged questions i.e., questions with emotional consequences. It's only later, when you've returned to a regulated state (most likely when you're alone), that you have the physical and mental and space to process your confused/conflicted feelings.
The accumulation of these dysregulating experiences is causing you to doubt – in your "gut" – the worth of your current relationship and relationships in general, like... 'it should all just flow, and it would do if it weren't for...' But the problem isn't her, and isn't you – it's you in relationship with her, and her in relationship with you. It's joint a problem so long as you're joined. And without appropriate intervention, you'll carry this into all other joinings, not because you want to, but because of how you're wired:
> “I Want You in the House but Not in My Room ... Unless I Invite You” For the Avoidant, external disruptions of the autoregulatory state are experienced – to a greater or lesser degree – as a shock to the nervous system. First there is the sensory intrusion aurally, visually, or tactically by an approaching person which may be experienced as startling, followed by a social demand to state shift from an autoregulatory – timeless (dissociative) mode to an interactive – realtime mode. One is more energy-conserving and the other more energy-expending. For the distancing group, both are experientially non-reciprocal, meaning neither state involves expected rewards from another person. In autoregulation, no other person is required or wanted. However, during the initial shift to interactive/realtime mode the other person is viewed as demanding with no expected reward or reciprocity. -- Addiction to "Alone Time" – Avoidant Attachment, Narcissism, and a One-Person Psychology Within a Two-Person Psychological System: A Psychobiological a Approach to Couples Therapy
Recommended resources:
Audio Interview: A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy with Stan Takin
Wikipedia: Attachment Theory
Edits: Formatting