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It also means trying not to do it on your own.
The people I know with the best marriages are the ones who realized early on that marriage is hard and they had better actively work on it - they take marriage classes (either through church or secular) like once every year or two just to refresh.
I have one set of friends in particular that did everything wrong going into their marriage... I mean, everyone saw that they were meant for each other, but she had been emancipated and working since she was 13 and he was a bit of a spoiled playboy who fell head over heels for her. She didn't want to be bound to anyone. Well, with a kid on the way, they were smart and decided that if they were going to make this work, they had better get some good guidance. They still (20 something years later) do a marriage retreat each year - and it's "squishy" watching them fix meals together. They are adorable. And that last couple anyone ever expected to "make it"
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926
> ). When she does message him, it's always GIFs/videos/photos of food. They still have back & forth banter which could be viewed as friendly teasing to an outsider, but given all the history .. it still makes me uncomfortable.
You aren't overthinking. She is still a threat to your relationship. But you aren't going to 'win' the pick me dance by making 'rules' for your boyfriend. It doesn't work. And even if it works this time, there will ALWAYS be another woman who doesn't give a crap about your relationship because she wants him.
So, what do you do? First, of course is to be aware that he is not willing to set up the guardrails that would have prevented this in the first place. You can't MAKE him do that. Just like you can't lock him in a cage away from all women forever. It's up to him to determine what he is going to do to make you feel safe in your relationship with him. You can be smart and figure out if he really is the right guy or not. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_n1KTxg2F8
You can work on YOU. You can develop hobbies, career, etc etc to make yourself awesome and desirable (nothing screams sexy like being confident... not arrogant, but comfortable with who you are). You can get yourself to a good emotional place where you can stand on your own and not NEED him (you can want him, but don't NEED him - financially or emotionally). Be whole in yourself. Know that you cannot control his behavior but that you can walk away and be happy on your own. Then you can choose to be with him. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBzAhi-ZHtA Don't NEED him - know how to fix your own stuff - be it plumbing, finances, learning about products you are considering purchasing, or turning around a crappy mood after a bad day... You don't need him to do all that for you. Do you have jumper cables? Have you learned how to properly jump your car? When he does do it for you, it won't be expected. It will be a bonus you can be thrilled about. (plus, there is very little sexier than someone being knowledgeable about the unexpected)
Of course, you might like this - it's pretty good: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926
https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/6rkxyv/living_together/
So I guess the short answer is: Get Smart. Get smart about his behavior ("You don't have to cut off contact with anyone. It's your life. I'll take that into consideration") and Get Smart for you - about everything ;) - Be Mighty!
You are being normal. You are trying to understand how it happened so you can somehow prevent it from happening again (which you can't... since he's the one that is broken, he's the only one who can do it) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wREVr5FY4Ts and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaST8UdSRMo
So, what do you do? First, of course is to be aware whether or not he is to set up the guardrails that would have prevented this in the first place. You can't MAKE him do that. Just like you can't lock him in a cage away from all women forever. You can't just keep blowing up at him to make him scared to repeat. It's up to him to determine what he is going to do to make you feel safe in your relationship with him. You can be smart and figure out if he really is the right guy or not. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_n1KTxg2F8
You can work on YOU. You can develop hobbies, career, etc etc to make yourself awesome and desirable (nothing screams sexy like being confident... not arrogant, but comfortable with who you are). You can get yourself to a good emotional place where you can stand on your own and not NEED him (you can want him, but don't NEED him - financially or emotionally). Be whole in yourself. Know that you cannot control his behavior but that you can walk away and be happy on your own. Then you can choose to be with him. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBzAhi-ZHtA Don't NEED him - know how to fix your own stuff - be it plumbing, finances, learning about products you are considering purchasing, or turning around a crappy mood after a bad day... You don't need him to do all that for you. Do you have jumper cables? Have you learned how to properly jump your car? When he does do it for you, it won't be expected. It will be a bonus you can be thrilled about. (plus, there is very little sexier than someone being knowledgeable about the unexpected)
Of course, you might like this - it's pretty good: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926
https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/6rkxyv/living_together/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_n1KTxg2F8
So I guess the short answer is: Get Smart. Get smart about his behavior ("You don't have to cut off contact with anyone. It's your life. I'll take that into consideration") and Get Smart for you - about everything ;) - Be Mighty
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_n1KTxg2F8
I found https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926 helpful.
Also, if you can grow yourself to where you don't need someone, you can choose to be with them because you WANT them. And, while it can't prevent future infidelity, it does make you more attractive - and more resilient if your partner does cheat (because, remember, most cheaters aren't cheating because of what their partner does or doesn't do, but because of a weakness within themselves).
Ok, if you really want to fight this, here is how:
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926 It worked for me. Of course, AFTER it worked, I realized that perhaps I would have been better off losing this one (see "pick me dance") - ACTUALLY, when I Stopped doing the pick me dance was when I won.
I combined the book (above) AND the 180*. Kind, respectful, but pulling away. And it worked.
Policing never did. Negotiating never did. Rule setting had laughable results.
*https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/ (This is a take-off of The 180 - but I like how she words it to make it less manipulative and more about saving yourself)
> She is the only person I've ever loved and I suppose my ways of dealing are a bit immature and I'm trying to be civil and cope but it's hard.
I get it. That's why I am telling you to get professional help. I feel like it will help you focus and not bounce back and forth with how you are feeling and how you are reacting to what you are feeling.
I'd also recommend reading Dale Carnegie's book on How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's a short read and generally beneficial - it goes into how to know what you want to get out of a relationship from someone and how to create a plan to get there. It's been a top selling book since 1923 - that should tell you something.
THEN I recommend https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926
Finally, I REALLY think you need to read: https://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Things-Mess-Their-Lives/dp/0060929448
Playing the "one up" game is not a good sign.
If you haven't already, you guys really really need to get some professional help, because this tit for tat thing is dangerous.
If no, you guys need to sit down and TALK. He is trying to tell you that heart emojis mean something to him. They have meaning to him. Do you realize what an awesome clue that this is? You can USE this to send him texts and messages that have real meaning to him. He's telling you his love language clues, and because it means nothing to you, you are being dismissive. They mean something to him! [And it's EASY to just not use hearts] [Caveat: unless you truly suspect that he is picking up this one thing because he already has something going on and it using it to tear you down... what does your gut say?]
Why do you not leave the house?
Good for you for cutting it off. But you do need to develop healthy relationships and activities.
I found the following book incredibly helpful (when I was doing the stupid "pick me dance", but it worked - in combination with the 180) https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926
I haven't watched this yet... but will when I finish here Are You An Emotionally Intelligent Spouse? Part 1
You guys really need to sit down and make a plan for what boundaries your relationship needs to have.
And YOU need to figure out how you can have a life that brings you fulfillment without privately chatting with other men or waiting for your husband to get home.
And, of course, he needs to knock it off adding girls to make you jealous and part 2 - watch it as well.
It sounds like the two of you are recreating the patterns from before. I actually have a few links you would probably appreciate:
This is the burden you are placing on the person who you took a vow to love honor and protect if you even go so far as to develop an emotional connection to someone else:
http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html
If you feel it starting, shut it OFF.
If you really want to leave your marriage, do so. But do not form a bond with another person or even develop an interest in another person so that you can or before you do.
If you do, you will destroy your marriage.
Even your light flirtations take away from your marriage, because suddenly you don't need to work as hard to flirt with your wife (so why worry about those socks on the floor?). And it gets worse the more attention you divert elsewhere.
If you are getting your kibbles from other women, you won't work as hard to get them from your wife. And she will notice. She won't necessarily understand why, but she will feel less loved.
First, positive suggestion: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926
Second - just don't be these people: https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/
Now comes the time to look at how much work he is willing to do to make things right. Will he do counseling? Will he make the effort to set up counseling? Will he watch the videos or read the articles or books? Will he attend marriage building workshops?
Now is the time for you to watch, observe, and focus on what you need to heal. The one caveat is to think kindness. You always have the option to walk away, and if you stay, it is only because you choose to stay. So don't be cruel (that's sometimes the hard part). He has to understand that you HAVE to focus on healing yourself - just as he has to focus on what he needs to do to be whole again. That is why you bring in experts - because it's hard to fix a broken marriage with two broken people... someone has to be the carpenter
If he is truly serious about making sure that this never happens again, he will make the effort.
I've seen success stories.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeneINV1yWUhjo1xCjz099Q
https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/
affaircare.com/articles/understanding-your-loyal-spouse
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926
Is it possible that you need to try a new therapist?
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926
I'm reading this right now. Hope the link works. So far it's been great. https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926
So sorry you are going through this and Super proud you both are seeking counseling. I hope you both find a great person to talk to who can assist you!
Not an expert, but just am posting the things I thought of just in case it could help someone.
For Wives (I've struggled with "Respect" almost daily.. ):
As a wife, gosh.. I feel we lovvvve talking and want things done a certain way... and nastiness can slide from our brains to our tongues SO FAST (and easily and sometimes it even feels good.) But it's SO damaging! I learned pretty fast in my marriage that I have to watch what I say and how I say it to my husband.
Three phrases that helped me (as a sometimes-sassy wife) the most are
"You can talk to the fool in him or you can talk to the King in him." (Tony Evans) I want to talk to the King in him obviously. I also want to treat him BETTER than I treat friends, my boss, other people. He deserves it!
"Pick your battles/Is this the hill you want to die on?"
"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands." Proverbs 14:1 (I truly believe our tongues as weapons can be an issue for many people/women that comes from our cores.)
For Couples
Book: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs Women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected. <3 I haven't read it.. but it's a resource that's out there that I've heard to be recommended a lot.
AWEsome Podcast Episode/Blog Entry: Criticism is a Relationship Killer
We have the same problems in western culture, don't worry! I'm 30F and I have been angry with my husband for not helping with "small things" too (like wrapping socks.)
I agree.. just wrap the socks. Try to say, "yes" instead of "no's." Serve your wife.
However, it's a two-way street(She has to help you too. She has to serve you too.)
Men need respect and Women need to feel Loved. If Men Love, Women usually respond with respect. So, if you Love her and wrap her socks, maybe she will say, thank you, that was very kind of you. When you love her and ask, "how else can I help?" She HOPEFULLY will answer NICELY and tell you.
I've used my hands against my husband before. It's because I was immature when I used my hands and not my words. I too had a difficult female role model growing up (my step-mom.) Learn HOW TO BE MARRIED. No one teaches us how to be married, so we have to teach ourselves. Read books together, listen to marriage podcasts. If she learns about "respecting husband" and you learn about "loving wife" and other marriage topics, she will learn more about being a better wife to you and will probably feel sorry she gets so emotional with you. I know I do.
Resources:
I recommend Season one of #staymarried Podcast. 5 Do's and 4 Don'ts of Marriage (10 episodes, I gave you Episode 8 below.)
Let's start here: Ep. 8 of The #staymarried Podcast: Defensiveness Will Drive You Apart
Listen to these with your wife! Say, "Darling, I love you. I want us BOTH to improve in these two areas. Remember that time I should have wrapped your socks? I've been thinking about it for a very long time and I wish I could go back to that moment and I wish I wrapped your socks. I wish I showed you SIMPLE LOVE in that moment. I also was thinking we could listen to these videos. They will help us both to learn about loving each other and respecting each other better. I think if we improve in these areas, we will both feel happier in our marriage."
YouTube Video: Respecting your Man by Tony Evans(christian, but maybe still helpful.)
YouTube Video: Loving your Woman by Tony Evans(christian, but maybe still helpful.)
Ok, so your boyfriend has a long history of being unfaithful (if not physically, at least verbally sexual) to you and you chose to ignore it and have unprotected sex with him.
Now what do you do when you realize that he might not be ready to be a faithful mature adult partner to raise this baby you've created in a wholesome environment. Is that basically it?
You aren't being ridiculous. Any "she" that he is privately conversing with for personal gratification is a threat to your relationship. But you aren't going to 'win' the pick me dance by making 'rules' for your boyfriend. It doesn't work. And even if it works this time, there will ALWAYS be another woman who doesn't give a crap about your relationship because she wants him.
So, what do you do? First, of course is to be aware that he is not willing to set up the guardrails that would have prevented this in the first place. You can't MAKE him do that. Just like you can't lock him in a cage away from all women forever. It's up to him to determine what he is going to do to make you feel safe in your relationship with him. You can be smart and figure out if he really is the right guy or not. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_n1KTxg2F8
You can work on YOU. You can develop hobbies, career, etc etc to make yourself awesome and desirable (nothing screams sexy like being confident... not arrogant, but comfortable with who you are). You can get yourself to a good emotional place where you can stand on your own and not NEED him (you can want him, but don't NEED him - financially or emotionally). Be whole in yourself. Know that you cannot control his behavior but that you can walk away and be happy on your own. Then you can choose to be with him. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBzAhi-ZHtA Don't NEED him - know how to fix your own stuff - be it plumbing, finances, learning about products you are considering purchasing, or turning around a crappy mood after a bad day... You don't need him to do all that for you. Do you have jumper cables? Have you learned how to properly jump your car? When he does do it for you, it won't be expected. It will be a bonus you can be thrilled about. (plus, there is very little sexier than someone being knowledgeable about the unexpected)
Of course, you might like this - it's pretty good: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926
https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/6rkxyv/living_together/
So I guess the short answer is: Get Smart. Get smart about his behavior ("You don't have to cut off contact with anyone. It's your life. I'll take that into consideration") and Get Smart for you - about everything ;) - Be Mighty!
And she still wants to win. Which means that what you think you are seeing is probably correct.
However, if you do want to play the pick me dance, you might want to look into the book "Love and Respect" - it helped me 'win'
>>So, my ex-boyfriend made me believe that the number of people I have slept with is very high and nobody would want to marry me and have kids with me because of that. He also made me believe that if a guy doesn't think it matters, that guy is basically a loser. He said that after breaking up with him, I am never going to find someone like him and doomed to be with a "loser". And I believed him.
Ok, so he's clearly a loser. But that is beside the point. I always say that there is something to learn... even from the worst people.
You can't change your past, and why would you want to? It's made you who you are today! But you can set higher standards for yourself going forward.
There's a few things that I think will help you when you go to pick a better guy. But I'm not as good with words as these people, so I'm going to let them do the talking for me.
[not that you've been cheated on - but this is still good general advice:] https://www.chumplady.com/2015/12/dear-chump-lady-how-do-i-fix-my-picker/
https://www.chumplady.com/2017/11/fix-picker-tips/
You don't need the kind of guy who holds your past against you.
Likewise, don't mistake sex for love:
http://www.drlaurablog.com/2013/05/30/why-shacking-up-isnt-all-its-cracked-up-to-be/
http://browseinside.harpercollins.ca/index.aspx?isbn13=9780060976491 (I've read this - it's good)
https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/6rkxyv/living_together/
The excellent part of this whole situation is that you are not in the middle of a relationship, so you can start out "fresh" with your next relationship - with a wealth of knowledge behind you!
I know that this author is religious, but putting that aside, the following book is a really good read for anyone who is or is going to be in a relationship: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926
> https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926
Seriously, it's good - It's by a pastor/minister/etc. but it isn't preaching or bible thumping. Just good common sense.
>So this is where I'm at now. Being the reliable, dependable and loyal person I am. I want an extramarital affair. I seriously have an urge to spread my affection towards someone who will appreciate it and reciprocate it. Not sure where to go from here. Besides the obvious choices that I'll have to decide for myself.
You have two moral options here. One is find a way to lead your family to fix things. The second is to divorce.
Other people have said what the devastation of an affair can cause, so I'll just share what I share with people who've done it - so you know what you will create.
If you want to research more, I suggest that you look up "Exit Affairs" because I believe that is what you are seeking. And it is the worst possible way to leave, for you, for your family, and for whatever person you dupe into being your affair partner... but I'm betting that you have already picked someone. And it's amazing how much worse a marriage gets when there is a 'fantasy' person readily available.
Also, I believe that you are counting on your marriage to bring you happiness. I say this, because you are unhappy and the first thing you are thinking of is to find another person who will make you happy. You will never find it there. You have to find it within yourself first. In one of my links above, there is talk about the 180. It may be that you need to stop looking to your marriage for happiness or life satisfaction for a time. That you may need to seek strength and renewal elsewhere for a time. But NOT with another woman (or man if that's your thing) and not sexually. Find things that renew your SOUL - hobbies, classes, volunteering.
Finally, the book Love and Respect did wonders for me - in a really ugly period of my life. Just reading it will give you a general awareness that actually requires little to no effort. I didn't even know he was having an affair, I just knew something was seriously wrong in our marriage, and it killed the affair.
You know the person that you want to be. Be that person. Don't look to a fantasy to escape the person you are. Change who you are to who you want to be.
If you need to leave your marriage, leave with your head up that you are doing it for the right reasons and not to run to a fantasy.
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