I drunkenly purchased one off Amazon back in December.
I was out for after-work drinks with coworkers, and I’ve got this one coworker who bought one on a whim a couple years ago. If you get him started about bidets, he won’t stop; the dude gets on a rant like he’s the pope of the church of power washing your pooper.
But this time, another coworker who grew up in the Middle East chimed in about it having been commonplace where she grew up, and how she’s always found it weird it’s not a thing here. So seeing her as a sober voice of reason, I pulled out my phone and bought one.
10/10 purchase, and I didn’t even regret it when I sobered up. My wife rolled her eyes at me when I told her, but now she’s all about it. We go through a lot less toilet paper these days.
Edit: I’m seeing some questions about what model I got; here you go: The Luxe Bidet Neo 120.
Do you NEED one? No.
But it is nice. We bought and installed a cheap bidet (this one- it was only $30 when we purchased) coincidentally at the beginning of COVID when TP panic buying was happening. My partner and I live alone and buy TP in bulk from Costco and the savings are marginal (purchasing every 12-14 weeks instead of every 10-12) but the feeling (and reality!) of that super clean arsehole after taking your morning dump is priceless.
As a female, it's also really nice to be able to do a 'quick rinse' after sex or if I'm not feeling fresh and don't have time for a full shower.
Protip: Pair with a squatty-potty for the best bathroom experience
Can confirm. I'm a pretty hairy guy and wiping was always a hassle, but a couple seconds with the bidet now and I'm as clean as a whistle. This is the one I have:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_I2LeGbTC5SXFF?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
I live in an apartment, You can get a bidet that just goes under your existing seat and ties into the existing water line that feeds your toilet.
This is the exact one I have from Amazon
I got this one. It shoots cold water which if you’re hot is refreshing but in the winter is a bit of a shock. Super easy to install and use.
It also let me know I need an electrician to install another outlet so I can get a better heated model.
I’m not on commission but they have this for $29.99 for an 11am delivery.
Claims installation in 15 mins. Risky but I believe you can install it in time OP.
LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) - Neo 120 white https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_K145DK2YZX2RP9WEFT92?psc=1
Dude...
Your butthole will thank you a million times over.
Pretty much. I got this one when it was $45.99. Is it great? no. Is my asshole clean and comfortable, damn right it is.
We used to have a super fancy one, with a heated seat and heated water. It was like $1000, and it came with the house (renting it from grandma) (yeah it's kind of weird when you think about it). It was really nice. Then it was given to another elderly family member and we went a couple of years without a bidet.
Then I bought a cheap one from with only cold water, no electrical hookups at all. And I honestly think it's fine. I didn't like the power cord across the bathroom counter anyway. Not worth the effort of making a more clean installation. The necessary functional requirements of the bidet are totally met in a cheap one, and I still love it so much that sometimes I save my turds for home instead of pooping at work.
Also a side note, my house water pressure was 90 psi, and there was no setting on the bidet that was low enough. There were other issues in the house because of the high pressure, but that was the final straw that made me pay a plumber $400 to put in a pressure regulator on my incoming water line.
tl;dr: my probably unpopular opinion is that cheap bidets with no heat offer a better value.
Guys you should try a bidet attachment for your toilet.
I got one a couple xmas' ago and it is life changing.
I used maybe 6 rolls A YEAR now.
Seriously they connect to the fresh water supply of the toilet and install under the seat.
Sprays your brown-eye with like a squirt gun jet of water, that scours you out.
The one I have is a Neo-180 or 120 or somehting from Amazon $35.
Save SO MUCH TP now.
edit Its the Neo120
YOU DON"T NEED WARM WATER. EVERYONE THINKS YOU DO YOU DON"T
massive +1 for this. I got this for $40, it takes 10 minutes to install and I barely use paper at all any more. I now wonder why everyone everywhere doesn't have this.
I have this $35 one from Amazon.
Yes, it's cold water. It comes from the toilet tank.
The pressure it produces is .... fucking ridiculous. It has four little dots on the dial to indicate low or high flow. I've had it for a year now and I still can't even get to the lowest setting without feeling like my asshole is being ripped apart. I have to put it between "off" and the lowest one. So if you're worried about it not being strong enough, let me quell that fear right away. I literally cannot fathom anyone needing the high setting. It would probably make me bleed. And yes, after you use it you use a small amount of TP to make yourself dry. I've seen other people say they use a washcloth for this since you're theoretically clean at this point. I maybe would do that if I lived alone but I'd feel weird having a reusable butt wipe in my bathroom that other people would see. I definitely recommend them. Overall probably the best $35 I've spent in the last 5 years.
I never thought it would be weird, I just thought they'd be expensive and never got around to looking into them. Last week I saw someone on reddit mention a nice affordable Luxe bidet I could get on amazon for under $40, and I figured why not pull the trigger. It was super easy to install, and it seriously is the greatest home improvement purchase I've ever made.
It's like washing your butt in a shower after every #2, just dry with a little bit of toilet paper and you're done. Amazing!
This is the model I bought if you're interested in looking at reviews and what not: https://www.amazon.com/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1499879011&sr=8-1&keywords=luxe+120
I had IBS like symptoms for many years before changing my diet. I just want you to know that bidet attachments are around $30 on Amazon and they will save your butt hole on those days that it won't stop.
Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_VCQ8Cb8T871N8
Let me tell you, buying a bidet was the best 40 bucks I ever spent. Taps into existing line and doesn't any tools (Came with what it needed).
I used to use wet towlettes to follow-up dry wipes, but always felt guilty after finding out that they aren't recommended for sewer systems (even the "sewer safe" ones).
Yeah
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_cPpFFbHZHCGXK
It was easy enough to install. It works by a using a t-joint on your toilet's existing fill line.
Now, installation might be complicated if you have older rigid pipes, this is made for the newer flexible fill lines. Also I had to buy a new line that goes between the valve and the toilet's tank because the one I had didn't fit on the t-joint. This wasn't expensive or a really big deal, just a trip to the hardware store.
Also, you do need to use thread seal tape (plumber's tape). I installed without it and it leaked, but no problems after using the tape. This product comes with a small roll of it, but this is also something you can get at the hardware store, real common stuff.
Most likely you won't have these problems, unless you're working with an old toilet that isn't compatible with modern hardware.
48 bucks on Amazon or wherever online and 15 minutes tops to install without special tools. This is the exact model I have and it's great.
We got this one on Amazon. We bought it because Consumer Reports said it was quality and a deal. We've using it since March 9, and we're really happy with the change. We use much less TP. It was $30 in March. Just a little more now.
It’s not intended to shoot water up your ass but that’s what happened. I got this bidet and I was just using it as you’re supposed to to clean myself off and next thing I knew a whole bunch of water and more shit came out. So when kratom backs you up and it right there but won’t come just turn on that bidet and it will all come out. Sounds insane but has wound up being a life saver. Also, you’ll be surprised that when you think you’re done and then you use the bidet there is always more left.
Honestly, yeah. I got this bidet
I was just using it as it’s supposed to to clean myself off and then next thing I knew a whole bunch of water and shit came out of me. Since kratom backs you up so much it actually helps me out a lot when it’s right there but won’t come out.
glad it helped.. Anduril can be very complicated..
btw, , based on your stinky handle, you might want to try a Bidet... they work great! ;-)
Well it was a few years ago, it's $39.99 now
LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_1WWVR0G61PHDNTP86NKV?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
To piggy-back on this... get a bidet. You can get simple ones that are SUPER easy to attach and work with any toilet, even in a cheap rental. The one we got was $35 and has changed our pooping experience FOREVER.
I’ve had one like this for about 5 years now. Works great.
LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_4EAVVFT9347D56PRVNF8?psc=1
$30 and the dream is real
LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_5QW4EVF37F7WSFM5WBZR?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Aim higher
We have this one installed in one of our bathrooms. We installed the bidet in the half-bath because it's the one the toddler spends the least amount of time in. We've had it for 6 or so months and the toddler is curious, but hasn't yet turned the knobs because she isn't left in that bathroom unattended. It is worth mentioning the two year old isn't potty trained yet.
I'm hoping if it does become an issue, we could use those oven knob protectors to cover the two knobs on the bidet. But we haven't needed to try that yet.
It's really straight forward. Turn on the spray when you are done, wait about a minute for some of the water to drip off, and then dry off with a bit of toilet paper.
LUXE Bidet Neo 120 is the one I bought off of Amazon. Installation was a snap too. Lesson learned for me: the toilet seats that sit flat work best. I replaced the seat on the down-stairs toilet, but the one upstairs was fine. There is a little door that pops open when the water sprays and it would hit the original toilet seat a little.
Takes some getting used to as the water that comes out is tap cold, but it's not as bad as you think, even if the water is freezing. You can get ones with heaters, but personally I find the cold water more refreshing and the warm water just... Cringes me for some reason.
Make sure you have a designated towel for dry off when you're done.
Get a bidet man. I finally got one about 6 months ago when I was going through some bad food poisoning and my ass was getting raw. It's sooo much better. No matter how messy things get down there, all you wind up needing is a single wipe to dry up and you're totally clean. They're super cheap too and will wind up saving you money not using so much TP: https://smile.amazon.com/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B00JG2DETM/
This is the one I bought, price has gone up since I purchased it. Took 15 minutes to install, was way easier then I was expecting. About 1 week learning curve and now I can't imagine life without one.
Buy a bidet. This one on Amazon is only $35 and works great. You just spray it all down, and then use some TP to dry it. If you give a good wash, you'll have nothing to wipe but water.
Since I can’t edit it, you can buy bidets on Amazon that you can install in about ten minutes.
This is mine: Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_rTv3Db8N4V90K
You can get ones off amazon like this one for under $100, Although those ones are fairly limited in what they can do.
I would recommend going a little higher and getting a full toilet seat replacement version that is electric and allows you to adjust positioning and pressure easier, and has heated water. They are a great investment though, you save a shit ton of money not buying as much TP. Technically you don't have to use any TP, but a few squares each time just to dry off completely is more convenient. I bought a 12-pack of TP earlier this year and I don't think I've gone through half of it yet.
Spend enough to get a decent one. You don’t want one that can leak and cause damage.
This is as cheap as I’d go:
Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_MWDIFb2X5H29R
Also make sure you use plumbers tape on all the threads
PS I can’t speak to the female experience except to say many of the products have feminine settings. Women all around the world use the technology so it should be safe.
yep, i just put one in the basement in case we run out of paper. super quick to install and definitely taking it with me if i have to move. i bought it at $29 full price amazon a week ago, spiked up to $75 before delivery, now reduced to $60. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00JG2DETM/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 edit, make sure to get a self cleaning one.
I’d recommend the one I have, but they tripled the price and are now back order for a few weeks. Still the cheapest I saw on amazon though. I would bet any of the standard, non-electric, cold only, attachment bidets are comparable.
Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_WLMBEbAWFFRVA
So they're cheap and easy to install and take up almost no extra room? That's amazing! I went on Amazon and found this one for the low, low price of $34.99 with Prime shipping. It even has an 18 month warranty!
Thanks, guys! My ass will never be dirty again!
^(And) ^(that's) ^(how you shill for Big Bidet.)
Although it’s not what you’re asking, you may not be aware that you can add a bidet to an existing toilet. This is a popular one, and it’s easy to install.
$30 comes in under budget.
Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_JPVRDb7VT2296
Y'all walking around with dirty assholes. Get a $30 bidet and the cheapness of your TP doesn't matter because you're just using it to pat dry after hosing out your sphincter.
I got the Luxe Neo 120. I definitely recommend it for a straight forward, simple design.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
They have ones that have a second nozzle for women and other bells and whistles like water heaters, but they go up quickly in price as you get more features. For $35 delivered, it can't be beat.
Here's the one I bought! I'm pretty happy with it. I couldn't really say whether it's better than others though.
Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_EzuGCbJ13H00P
I have this one. I used to think it was a crazy thing to want, but once you try it you'll wonder why it took so long to get one. They make more expensive models with two nozzles or with a hot water hookup but I have been really happy with this model.
Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00JG2DETM/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1
15 minutes to install with hand tools. no permanent modifications. i have it installed on both of my toilets. it leaked on the second toilet, but it wasn't due to a faulty product. i replaced the toilets fill valve assembly and everything was fine after that. the fill valve assembly was only a few bucks and isn't a bad idea to change out anyways. that took a few minutes. overall, i'm extremely happy with them.
I just installed them on all our toilets at home, and I'm not sure why I waited.
You simply go, then blast your butt with the water stream. It knocks off all the 'debris'. Then you finish up by patting (not wiping/rubbing) the area dry with toilet paper.
I'd highly recommend this one: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00JG2DETM/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Go ahead and get one, what do you have to lose except a few bucks? I got one about 6 months ago and the whole family loves it.
Takes less wiping. Spray and wiggle around, then dab with some paper to dry. No more foreverwipes!
This is the one I got.
Not the same person, but I used baby wipes before getting a similar bidet attachment. Baby wipes clean about as well, but they have a drying effect which eventually left my asshole bleeding, which is the reason I started to use the wipes in the first place. YMMV, maybe they're fine for others, but this was not pleasant for me so I switched back to normal toilet paper before getting the bidet. The wipes end up being way more expensive in the long run, and apparently even the flushable kind can clog drains.
I don't have as many problems with my bidet, a little bit of water splashes on my balls, but otherwise the stream is very well contained. I use about 1/4 as much toilet paper as I did before. I do agree that it takes some practice to position yourself well and to not use anything higher than low unless you want to give yourself an enema!
Get one of these! It’s a cheap compromise for the Japan-trained anus.
Edit: Can’t link things on Reddit because I’m OAF
Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_l2LaEbQVGYBXK
I've got this one. Works just fine.
Bidets! I have this one and it is one of my best purchases of all time. Now I hate pooping anywhere but home.
There are other kinds too. When I was visiting Portugal they often had these bidets that were kind of a mix of a toilet and a sink, and I think you were supposed to run the water and wipe off with your hand... I never used it, but eventually the concept won me over.
Edit: amazon link if you're interested.
If you are going to get one, don't get one that you have to manually aim!
There are plenty available in the same price range that attach between the seat and the bowl.
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00JG2DETM/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Hits a perfect bullseye every time.
I purchased two bidets during our last lockdown when toilet paper was hard to come by.
I purchased the Luxe Bidet Neo 120 from Amazon for my half bathroom downstairs.
I purchased the TUSHY Classic for the master bathroom.
The cheaper bidet was surprisingly the better of the two and I’d highly recommend it. And yes - I’ve used significantly less toilet paper since the installation of the two bidets.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
My personal rec. Most life changing 30 bucks you'll spend in your life. I have 3 of these
I use a luxe one similar to this https://www.amazon.com/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=sr_1_6?dchild=1&keywords=bidet+luxe&qid=1608611063&sr=8-6
But if you want one even cheaper, here's one for $25 https://www.amazon.com/Greenco-Non-Electric-Mechanical-Toilet-Attachment/dp/B01A17T3N6/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=bidet&qid=1608611134&refinements=p_36%3A1253528011&rnid=1243644011&s=hi&sr=1-5 I've never tried it but they all seem pretty similar until you get into the pricier ones
I got this: bidet
Very easy to install.... Cold water only.
Consider the LUXE Neo 120 bidet. It's simple, lasts forever, easy to install, and only costs $35. https://www.amazon.com/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B00JG2DETM
I actually finished my April order in October. Just a mere 96 rolls in 200 days between 2 adults with bidets. Not terrible. Note:The Bidet is a new life..
I believe this is the one I got. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00JG2DETM
Whenever I buy anything on Amazon, I sort by average review scores and get the best that isn't unreasonably higher priced than the others.
This is one of the two we have setup at home:
I am a full figured gentleman also! I use the Luxe Bidet and Luxe Bidet soft close toilet seat. They're both great and have held up well after multiple years of use for me. If you don't have a bidet, get one.
LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_NKG7KRCPW1D8X39JD61B?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
LUXE Bidet Luxe TS1008E Elongated Comfort Fit Toilet Seat with Slow Close, Quick Release Hinges, and Non-Slip Bumpers (White) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08GYGXJQ3/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_YC2NJTGY7RXCXWNT83DM
LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_44CVYH6344MW552G43VS?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Get a bidet. They are amazing and fairly cheap on Amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B00JG2DETM/
$30 for a basic one:
LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Item | Current | Lowest | Reviews |
---|---|---|---|
LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh… | $34.95 | $34.95 | 4.5/5.0 |
^Item Info | Bot Info | Trigger
Instalé esta wea en el baño, funciona perfect.
Item | Current | Lowest | Reviews |
---|---|---|---|
LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh… | $34.95 | $34.95 | 4.5/5.0 |
^Item Info | Bot Info | Trigger
Get a bidet. Your butthole will always be sparkly clean!
I got the Lux Neo 120 but only because I don’t need the feminine wash feature. Took probably 30 minutes to install and works great
LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I have to agree with the bidet suggestion. The cold water really helps with pain and itching. I have one like this and absolutely swear by it. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_QWJGQ4ARDT9AHF4J3YT2
This is the one I got There’s more expensive ones with more bells and whistles but I love mine!
If you have a private toilet vs. sharing, you can get something like this for low cost. Not as nice as some bidets but it gets the job done!
I got these back in 2015 for around that.
Those people are incorrect. I own three of these.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00JG2DETM/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Treat yo’ self
LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) - Neo 120 white https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_THDYGPC4C5PR3MCJTWFB
Similar comment earlier. Well worth it.
Welcome to your new life king. You deserve it
(I have three of these)
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I've bought 3 of these. Welcome to your new life
It's a bidet toilet attachment similar to this.
Get a bidet, it is life changing
https://www.amazon.com/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=sr_1_6?dchild=1
My condolences, I have a couple of friends with it and they swear by these
Just switch already.
Next day delivery and everything:
https://www.amazon.com/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B00JG2DETM
Now 35. You know how Amazon prices can vary from month to month. Here's the model I have and it is great! Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Put those prices in Checkmate.
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Those are the nice ones. There's another category of budget ones from like $20-60 all over Amazon from a hundred Chinese clone companies. They're hit or miss on quality as the reviews show, but I figured they're so cheap, why not give it a try. It has been great. The nicer ones offer better options, heated water, aerated water, air dryers, fancy remotes and all this, and that would be great but I don't want to pay for it and my hot water line is across the room from the toilet, so a cheapo is fine for me.
I got this one and it has been great. People in the reviews talked about it blasting your starfish skin off and wow they weren't kidding. The pressure twisty knob on this one is an illusion - realistically there's only Off or Peel Paint. So I got one of these twisty valves to go between the bidet hose and the main water pipe so I could fine tune the pressure to more reasonable levels and that has been great. You want some pressure to get that stuff off of you but not so much that your proctologist runs out of the room crying.
Wet butthole cleaning is the only way to go, the only way that makes sense, and sometimes it's nice to just let it run while you contemplate things and see if any more wants to come out. Toilet paper lasts forever now because you just need a couple squares to dab dry.
My bidet attachment has been a lifesaver!
This is what I have
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_cPpFFbHZHCGXK
Isn't what you'd call a "nice" one but I like it because it's simple. Oh they make them with warm water and adjustable nozzles and I'm sure they're very nice, but that requires a power outlet and a warm water tap. Then you're running a ground-fault power outlet and a water line, and that's basically a home renovation.
That's way too much, keep it simple.
Consider this version that has two nozzles, the other one is for women.
https://www.amazon.com/Bidet-Non-Electric-Mechanical-Attachment-Self-Cleaning/dp/B00P2XZDGG
I bought this one, although I am in the US. Easy hookup to your toilet water line. Comes with its own splitter. No power needed. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apap_NNDBQoQ5Kwan8
I've got a Luxe Neo 120 and I need to remove it to unclog the nozzle. The aim is off & messy.
The one I got was from Amazon (US$40)
I rent and totally installed one on my toilet in January. When it was in stock then, it was $30 on Amazon, but it's doubled in price now ( https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00JG2DETM/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1 ). I did have to buy a 6" braided water line to replace the one coming out of the value, but that wasn't more than $6, either. It's a solid product if you don't mind that it has been marked up to $60.
Bought this one on Amazon and holy shit- you need to make sure you turn it on slowly or it will blast a new hole in your ass
Get a bidet for home (https://www.amazon.ca/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1541827320&sr=8-3&keywords=bidet). And just bring wipes to work. I keep them in my bag and discreetly put them in my pocket when I go take a shit. If someone sees them, then who cares?
Buy this. They are magical.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B00JG2DETM
This is your future!!! I recommend getting the brass t-adapter. Seriously, once you get one of these, you’ll wonder what else you’ve been screwing up your entire life.
I got this one. Really great, setup took about 20 minutes for me, who didn't even understand how a toilet seat is attached to a toilet before I did the install, my ass is now eco-friendly as fuck.
The bidet sits beneath the toilet seat. I bought this model: http://www.amazon.com/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B00JG2DETM/ref=lp_686953011_1_2?s=kitchen-bath&ie=UTF8&qid=1459526663&sr=1-2
Toilet attachment. This [one].(http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00JG2DETM?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_4&smid=A2E4TKQ2QE4KJS)
I'll never understand people who don't keep a plunger in their bathroom.
Also I got a cheap bidet on Amazon and installed it in 10 minutes. My toilet paper consumption has gone down great lengths and everyone who comes over loves the thing.
I highly suggest you get one. Here is a link to the one I have. (Non-referral link). It's honestly one of the best things I ever purchased. My pregnant AF wife likes it too because wiping is hard when you've got a baby inside of you.