What is Reddit's opinion of Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts?

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

This!

1 1/2 uears ago, I ended a 34 year marriage of which porn played a major role in its demise.

I found out he had a porn addiction after we had been married for 6 months. It came up again and again during our marriage.

He broke my heart and my ability to trust him so many times it did irreparable damage to the marriage.

He refused to go to a 12 step because that would mean other people would learn of his addiction. He talked to the bishop and we did counseling many times.

He never learned proper coping mechanisms for stress. It was either porn and masterbation or sex. It became my fault if I didn't want to have sex as much as he "needed" to cope with stress and resist temptation.

I am currently in therapy to deal with the grief of being married to someone with a porn addiction, so I can heal and be able to trust again. I never had anyone to help me during our marriage. I couldn't tell anyone because it was his sin to tell.

OP - Get the book Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0982650590/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_RYBGRN3XF7N8YHTB51KQ?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

This book has been so eye opening because it helped me see how many of the problems in our marriage were directly related to his addiction.

You are young and have so much life ahead of you. You need to do some serious prayer and soul searching. Based on my experience I would tell you to run, run from this relationship as fast as you can, but you are the only one who can determine, with the Lord's guidance if you should stay.

Set boundaries. Your body and having sex are not the solution to his addiction. Never put that responsibility on yourself.

Good luck my young friend. Lean on the Lord.

I'm sorry that you're going through so much, first and foremost. This is not an easy road to move forward on, but it is entirely possible to do with work from both parties. The most important thing for your health and sanity (and that of your children) right now is doing for yourself. Are you seeing a therapist or support group individually, and is he seeing a CSAT on his own? No real work got done in my relationship until that happened-- couple's counseling comes later, after the addiction is not active for a period of time, and there is safety established for you. Otherwise it just runs the risk of re traumatizing you.

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Seeing your own professional gives you space to work through the emotions around everything, and yes, find the strength to make a decision about ending the relationship or not. Everything that he says/ does is simply information for you to use in whatever decision you make. Setting clear and concise boundaries about what you will and won't tolerate is the way to protect yourself and your kids-- and being willing to enforce them when he tests or oversteps. Since things are so, so fresh for you, I recommend this book as a good starting place for yourself at very least. I was given a copy/ read it while my husband was in inpatient treatment, and it really gave me a lot of hope and ability to get myself together, and it doesn't even discuss "stay or leave" until the latter parts of the book, after you have time to breathe and assess what you need to fully.

I am sorry that you felt attacked and judged as well. Anger is unfortunately a big part of healing for all of us, it's expression happens in a myriad of ways-- take what you like, leave the rest, is what I had to learn so I didn't feel hopeless when I heard (in person and in books/ forums) about the anger and see how hurt some people became.

First I want to applaud you for how in touch with your emotional state you seem to be in writing this-- a lot of what you wrote took me ages to figure out, and that is a huge factor in handling things going forward-- knowing how you feel, and what you need to be safe and cared for. Your trust is rightfully gone, and it takes time to build it back, on both parties, it doesn't come back quickly, but it can come back with consistent effort and transparency on his part.

I felt very similarly to this, and the most helpful thing I did was purchase a book, Mending A Shattered Heart, by Stephanie Carnes. I actually bought it at the bookstore while I was working through family week during my husband's inpatient treatment. The book doesn't tell you whether staying or leaving is better, it actually addresses both and the reasons for it, but it focuses on YOU, and how to get your feet back under you, regardless of what he chooses. I have read it back to front so much since that the poor thing looks awful, but it has been a comfort to me and a great reminder when I need it-- I went through with a pencil and highlighter, it looks like a textbook at this point!

As for "long term" success-- Hmack1 said it well. Addiction is a really sneaky beast, and it can rear up unexpectedly. The 12 Step slogan "1 Day at a Time" feels really angering and frustrating at first, and some days I still get pissed about it, but it is true. I had to take time to decide if I would stay, and I have, with the understanding that if he isn't choosing sobriety and disrespects the boundaries that I put forth clearly (we even wrote a contract, to be that plain!) that I was out. That felt like a safety net for me.

Yes of course, here are the two I got:

https://www.amazon.com/Mending-Shattered-Heart-Partners-Addicts/dp/0982650590

https://www.amazon.com/Treating-Trauma-Sexual-Betrayal-Essential/dp/0977220869

I wish you and your boyfriend luck!