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Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think?
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Seriously. Learning about basic Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy improved my life immensely, even though I wouldn't meet the clinical DSMV criteria for an anxiety or depressive disorder diagnosis.
I just liked the book's title. I mean, who doesn't want to control the way they feel?
Ironically, one of the most helpful things in the book was these little vignettes about the internal monologue of a character who has major depression. They made me realize that my intrusive thoughts and irrational worries are nothing special. In fact, they are literally textbook examples.
I had those.
Therapy helps a LOT. Specifically CBT skills of identifying, disagreeing with, and stopping narratives put into your head by others. The book Mind Over Mood teaches this skill as well.
Not OP but Mind Over Mood was the book I used during and after my CBT in university.
I'm sorry that your thoughts are all muddled up about this. It sounds like evangelical Christinaity has really done a number on you.
The best thing you can do is to take a breather, you won't be able to figure anything out while you're terrified, stressed, and overwhelmed. Leave it all alone for a while, put whatever faith you have on the backburner, go through the motions of whatever church life you have, and don't worry about the deep questions for a long while, until you feel stronger and you're in a better place in your life to dig into them.
You don't need to know everything, you don't need to figure it all out right now.
Focus right now on seeing a doctor about your depression, look into Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT). If you can't afford a therapist, there are websites or books you can read to help you work through CBT techniques yourself. Mind over Mood is a good book recommended by doctors for patients. Its not a replacement for a good doctor and appropriate medication, but it can help a lot alongside it.
Eventually, when you're in a better place, you can look a bit more carefully and clearly at why you're so terrified of hell, and why that is driving you into such a tailspin. You can figure out what you believe, and why you beleive it, without being torn apart and spun around by fear and depression. Because right now, you can't deal with it, and you shouldn't put that on yourself as another burden to carry.
I feel that - confidence is huge when trying to make connections with people. You do what you gotta do to build that confidence, but also know that you don’t have to wait until you’ve hit your goal weight to start working on confidence! I personally found this workbook to be really helpful in combatting my own negative self-talk, if you’re at all the kind of person who enjoys workbooks. :)
Also, congratulations on the company you’re hopefully starting! This is amazing!! Way to go. I know we don’t know each other but I am proud of you and I am sending positive vibes to you and your company (and also to your one kidney). 😊
I really recommend the book Mind Over Mood. It's essentially a therapy course in a book. I have anxiety and depression and I found it really useful.
I wish I had more answers honestly. But you aren't alone and there is light to it.
Prior to being able to access therapy, I found this workbook extremely helpful in at least starting to untangle things and find the roots of certain problems
Well, in the DSM V it does not allow that dx at an adult age. Depending on your circumstances it could evolve into something else entirely, or not. It depends on a number of things, including how many traits you qualify for (you need a certain number of traits to qualify, etc). You really need to be evaluated for the dx ( diagnosis) by a professional who works with you. If you can't go now due to cost, lean in to it yourself and do your best. If you want to start working on thoughts and how they affect feelings/behavior (CBT), the second edition of Mind over Mood will be helpful. Lots of folks including myself have found this very helpful, though most helpful with a therapist to guide you.
The label is what it is. If you can find a way to cope while you work on being able to see a professional, that is GREAT. Please try not to worry about a label, you are a human doing your best. GOOD LUCK :)
Here’s a link to it. It was pretty good when I tried it. But I think I need another go at it
It sounds like you're depressed and experiencing thought distortions. It happens, and undergrads are particularly vulnerable to experiencing thought distortions.
I would encourage you to seek out counselling services to discuss this. Thought distortions are a bad habit that can be countered with training, but most people need help to figure out how to do that. The Mind Over Mood workbook is also an excellent resource if you'd prefer to start with some private exercises, but I still strongly recommend reaching out to a professional.
he did not write it himself, but wrote the preface to the book Mind Over Mood - Dennis Greenberger & Christine A. Padesky This book is intended for lay people and patients. It is an excellent book and it has exercises to practice.Book Mind over mood in amazon
Give this an honest try...
Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think
Thank you all for your helpful replies. Have never been disciplined enough to stick to meditation but will make an effort to stick to it. Am also due to see a CBT therapist soon.
Someone also recommended this book on CBT which I’ve just ordered: Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1462520421/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_0NXT5261T96NC1WPK9AR?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Thank you for your kind thoughts and wishes.
Stay well, each of you.
I highly recommend the workbook Mind Over Mood for a good starting point into getting a handle on why you do things that you do. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helped me figure out why I have some of the insecurities I do and it also helped with changing the way I think about things so that those insecurities almost don’t matter anymore.
Mind Over Mood is a super solid CBT workbook that I wish I'd had as a teen.
For fiction, I'd recommend LJ Smith's Secret Circle trilogy. The protagonist is an anxious, depressed teenager whose journey into confidence and self-actualization is the emotional core of the series.
In addition, Francesca Lia Block's books Witch Baby, Baby Be-Bop, and Missing Angel Juan are sensitive, moving portrayals of anxious and depressed teens learning how to love themselves and move through the world.
Check out Mind Over Mood. It's kind of like a text book/work book and I would highly recommend it if you're looking for help with anxiety and depression. But there are also some incredibly helpful examples that might help someone else wrap their head around an anxious or depressed mindset.
Mood is intimately tied with thoughts, behaviors, and your environment. The most effective way of changing moods is to change the way you act and the way that you think. A lot of the suggestions that I have seen here are for actions that would likely improve your mood, and at least some are for ways of changing the way that you think about money which could also help improve your mood.
If you want to approach the mood issue more head-on (not via improving the money issue), I do have a suggestion for you. Read Mind over Mood by Greensberger and Padesky (here is an amazon link, or it might be available at a local library or used bookstore - I recommend the 2nd edition over the 1st, but the 1st is also great - I learned a lot from it before the second edition came out), and work through the exercises. I got it 8 years ago as a tool to use with cognitive behavioural therapy with a psychologist, and it is also great for working on by yourself. I still refer to it occasionally. Feel free to PM me if you have questions about the book or the method.
Then start with CBT.
https://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Over-Mood-Second-Changing/dp/1462520421
The title is a bit of turn off but CBT is based on neuroscience and how to use thoughts to literally restructure your brain. It can help with the depression (has kept me depression free for 10+ years) and can be used as an ADHD self-therapy tool.
The point I was making is that you need to take control and start doing small things to help yourself. Identify something that is causing a problem for you and find a solution for it.
As an example, I have had issues with doing dishes my entire life. I would have stacks of them everywhere, it would take me weeks to do them, and it caused problems in my marriage for years. One day I decided enough was enough and went looking for a solution. To my amazement I learned of countertop dishwashers. It took me a month but I finally got around to buying one and the problem is solved. We haven't had a stack of dishes since, not even for a day.
That stress, guilt/shame, etc. vanished overnight and suddenly I found all that mental anguish I was putting myself through was taking up the resources I did have. No longer was I piling weeks worth of garbage & recycling by the door, I had the mental energy to take it out as needed. That got rid of more shame/stress.
While these issues apply to me, the things that are causing you mental anguish are getting in your way. You can't tackle them all today, but you can start tackling one.
With no access to a great therapist, I can recommend this book which has been substantially helpful to several of my friends with similar (though not identical) issues. Skill building with CBT rather than DBT but there's some crossover.
Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1462520421/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_eSNkBbTCAN18S
I was recommended this book by a therapist, it's CBT and one of the most used books in English on the subject I believe. You can also find it in local bookstores.
(these stats are based yesterday)
0) I guess be more active?
1) oh yes, i try my best to avoid her.
2) After a friendly date with a good friend of mine. I've been very happy lately.
3) Definitely
4) Finish some of my school and move out.
5) yes, i'm barely at home.(too many memories)
6) A photo of me and my friend.
7) I fall in love way too fast. I'm a hopeless romantic.
8) Just now =)
end of the day:
9) Play the guitar, go to church, finish my exams, and worked out.
10) Yes, i try my best to eat healthy everyday.
11) If playing the guitar is considered meditating . then yes.
12) Yes.. See above.
13) Amazing. Of course i still think about her but it's miles away from the start of the break up.
14) Yes, I've been reading the book mind over mood. Its a great book. It teaches you how to deal with your emotions by thinking differently. https://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Over-Mood-Second-Changing/dp/1462520421/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1502886869&sr=8-1&keywords=mind+over+mood
15) I love being with people that loves me back. I should take it slow.
16) sigh, i fell in love again. I'm doing my best to take it slow. She's an amazing person. I'm planning to serenade her at the end of September
ps. Do you mind paging me when you make these threads? if that's ok =D.
I enjoyed doing this. You're a great person!
Mind Over Mood might be something worth looking at: https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Mood-Second-Changing/dp/1462520421
To say I have been fantastic at getting through the book is a lie, but it's a workbook style book that teaches you that your environment and feeling of self worth are not the same thing. It hammers home the idea and the practice to disassociate those two things so that you can more quickly bounce back from negativity in your environment. The idea that you messed up happened. There's nothing you can do at this point besides making whatever wrongs you made right. What this book would advocate is to acknowledge that the environement (your mistake) does not quanitify you as a person. You still have worth, and to not link your mistake to your worth.
It's also great for ADHD peeps as it's not meant to be burned through in a single read. It's meant as a semi long term work book to help shift that mentality.
Well I'm just a 22 year old kid with anxiety that I let get so bad a lot of depressive symptoms started showing up and I also have used weed both for self-medicating purposes as well as recreationally. I can't recommend a strain or product for the depression but I can tell you what helped me out
This is a link to a book called Mind Over Mood. I bought it after going to a group therapy thing with several other people dealing with similar mental health issues. The book uses CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to essentially retrain your brain how to respond to situations. It reads a lot like a textbook which is why I think I liked it so much. I think everyone should read this book and participate in the exercises it has whether dealing with a mental health problem or not.
While I am certainly not anxiety free I have noticed that the depressive symptoms have started to fade away and other stressors that I would actively try to avoid even letting myself think about have become much easier for me to handle. I'm honestly really impressed with what it's done for me for a $20 book (plus some change lol).
Last thing I want to say before I end this comment that is far too long already is this:
I know you probably can't right now because I certainly couldn't either, but try as hard as you can to always remember that even though you can't even remember what "better" feels like or what "improving" your mental health might actually feel like it is still possible. None of us are broken we're all just flawed and that's okay. The fight is tiring and it is long but it does get easier, it does require more effort than you think you have left and you will get better. You'll only notice the small things at first which is why it's so hard to notice anything at all but make damn sure you give yourself credit for the small fights you win cause when you feel like you've got nothing left small wins are big wins.
I hope at least something I said helps, keep fighting, I believe in you ❤️
> How do some of you deal with this sort of thing?
go to T H E R A P Y
Seriously. I did two years of monthly sessions with an extremely good therapist to learn not just to heal from the trauma but to learn the emotional skills my Christian parents refused to or were unable to teach me.
> What can I do to calm myself down.
For $25 you can buy Mind Over Mood which includes many techniques to fight this sort of panic. In the meantime try box breathing.
It is okay to be afraid, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to be angry. When these feelings intrude into your actions and make life worse for you, it is a good sign that you would benefit from talking to a therapist. I believe in you. You are competent and strong. You deserve to be happy.
I know that university is a big adjustment, but if you keep at it things will get better. I would suggest some books if your financial situation is such that you can't afford to see a counsellor (I know the university provides group therapy and individual counselling but it can be a long wait for individual counselling) This book really helped me with my struggles with anxiety and depression, it is a CBT workbook that you can go through the sections that are relevant to you, but if you can find a counsellor to work through it with you that is best : https://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Over-Mood-Second-Changing/dp/1462520421
I also find that apps can be helpful as a tool, especially since many are free, but you will have to try out a few in order to find which one (if any) are helpful to you. This site has a list of some of them that are out there, but I'm sure there are many more if you just look it up in your app store:
https://www.psycom.net/25-best-mental-health-apps
Another book I found really helpful for learning how to learn was this one, it is available as an e-book and audiobook as well if you prefer that format:
Or here's a summary of the main points if you don't have the time/energy for a full read right now:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfylloWuuZU
I hope you start feeling better soon, it sounds like you are trying your best and if you keep trying I'm sure you will succeed in your classes and at lifting yourself out this low mood you've been experiencing.
You can likely find an ebook version to purchase as well, if you're willing to pay. Non-affiliate link: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1462520421/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_7HQTFbYK3Z8XH
This is another popular resource for managing your thoughts using CBT, for anybody who is interested:
https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Mood-Second-Changing/dp/1462520421/
The top review is correct in that it can seem almost insultingly basic, but I think it's kind of like meditation in that way. It's simple, but it's not always easy.
It’s been a long time since I spent 8 months out of one year in three separate psych wards/hospitals. 1998. If I hadn’t, I would’ve died.
GRH was utter shit. They were then, they were shit when my daughter was a teen (2010ish) and friends of hers ended up there and from a quick scan of other comments here they’re still shit.
London Psych is closed. But even when it was open it was mostly a storage solution not a treatment one.
Where I actually got help was what was then known as Whitby Mental Health Centre and is now Ontario Shores. I spent 5 months there in an intense inpatient program where we did therapy & classes for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Getting into that program saved my life and allowed me to learn how to live with a very ugly history without being suicidal since. To me that’s the gold standard. A place that both keeps your body safe but also teaches you how to manage your mental health on your own, ultimately. Unfortunately I suspect it’s a bit of a unicorn.
There’s a lot of good advice here, I don’t really have any current knowledge of the mental health system. Mostly wanted to share that you’re not alone. Getting help when you need it is smart and strong and I’m so glad that you’re reaching out like this. What will help you is out there, it’s just a matter of staying persistent and exploring all options. Your life matters.
An interim suggestion: The Mind Over Mood book was used in a few places as part of the treatment. It’s a classic and a good place to start helping yourself while figuring out if & where you need to go. Also, start journaling. Getting the demons and the darkness out of your head and onto paper helps.
Best of luck! You can do this.
You are not alone. My brain injury was just over 4 years ago and I struggle every day but for my friends and family, they don’t see it. I have memory problems, speech issues and trouble making decisions especially when I am overwhelmed. The best thing I did was going to rehab. I had PT, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and was assigned a social worker. When that was done, I asked if there were more things I could do. Some of the best groups I took part in were CBT therapy, mindfulness meditation and goal management sessions. This gave me tools to help me get through my day to day activities.
If you’re not able to get into a group session, the workbooks are available online to order.
These have lessons that you can do at your own pace and will help you figure out what works for you. There are also free mindfulness exercises on YouTube. I found that not all the voices were soothing but with so many, you can pick and choose.
I hope this helps you. Good luck!!
Mind Over Mood worksheets helped me the most!
https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Mood-Second-Changing/dp/1462520421
Your GPA is probably still good enough
In most programs at Ryerson, you only need a cGPA of at least 1.67 to graduate. (Source.)
If you get a D- or higher in a class, that's a passing grade. Retaking the class would probably cost you significant time, money, and effort. Even if you do get a D-, it would be easier to just leave it on your transcript, and to try to do better in your future classes.
Why does one low grade bother you?
Is there any specific reason why you're concerned about keeping your GPA so high? For example, do you plan to apply for scholarships, or for grad school later on? Or is ITM 207 an important prerequisite for some later class?
A tip
If you retake the class, consider taking it with a different instructor. You can read reviews of various instructors at RateMyProfessors.com. (Partially based on this source.) The equivalent online class CITM 207 starts Monday, May 2; please note that the Chang School's refund policies are perhaps rather stingy.
Worry and sadness
You wrote:
> super overwhelmed and i am so anxious .. life sucks
I'm a psychology student. I would reply that, if you really feel that way, and if these feelings have lasted for quite some time:
- You might want to try looking at some self-help books. <u>The Feeling Good Handbook</u> is old, but quite good. <u>Mind Over Mood</u> is also popular. These books can really help to change your perspective. Both books are available from the Ryerson library, the Toronto public library, and Amazon.ca. (The Feeling Good Handbook covers sadness and worry. The older book Feeling Good, by the same author, focuses on sadness alone, so it might be less useful.)
- In the unlikely event that you read one of the books, do all the worksheets, and find no relief: You might want to consider decreasing your course load for a semester or two, to see if that helps. (Reduced course loads may delay your graduation.)
Your thoughts on the above bullet points would be welcome.
Your GPA is probably still good enough
In most programs at Ryerson, you only need a cGPA of at least 1.67 to graduate. (Source.)
If you get a D- or higher in a class, that's a passing grade. Retaking the class would probably cost you significant time, money, and effort. Even if you do get a D-, it would be easier to just leave it on your transcript, and to try to do better in your future classes.
Why does one low grade bother you?
Is there any specific reason why you're concerned about keeping your GPA so high? For example, do you plan to apply for scholarships, or for grad school later on? Or is ITM 207 an important prerequisite for some later class?
Worry and sadness
You wrote:
> super overwhelmed and i am so anxious .. life sucks
I'm a psychology student. I would reply that, if you really feel that way, and if these feelings have lasted for quite some time:
- You might want to try looking at some self-help books. <u>The Feeling Good Handbook</u> is old, but quite good. <u>Mind Over Mood</u> is also popular. These books can really help to change your perspective. Both books are available from the Ryerson library, the Toronto public library, and Amazon.ca. (The Feeling Good Handbook covers sadness and worry. The older book Feeling Good, by the same author, focuses on sadness alone, so it might be less useful.)
- In the unlikely event that you read one of the books, do all the worksheets, and find no relief: You might want to consider decreasing your course load for a semester or two, to see if that helps. (Reduced course loads may delay your graduation.)
Your thoughts on the above bullet points would be welcome.
I have been reading this. So take from that what you will.
FYI, if you're located in or near a city with a university that trains graduate-level psychology students, you might be able to find a clinic that offers pro bono therapy. I'm in a major Canadian city in a clinical psychology program, and the first clients we see are all pro bono. Google the university and "psychology clinic". Many mental health professionals are doing teletherapy while the pandemic is ongoing so even if you're not in a major city, you may be able to be a client at a clinic in a city that you're not located in.
I also have two recommendations for depression-related workbooks. Mind Over Mood is a classic that uses CBT principles. I have also used The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression personally and I recommend it. (These are Canadian Amazon links but you should be able to find them in most major book retailers!)
Keep with the daily stretches, reverse kegels or whatnot. It takes a few months, normally 6 to really get a good sense of improvement.
CBT is a great idea. In the meantime, checkout the following workbooks:
Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think https://www.amazon.com/dp/1462520421/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_AZBVZ8Y0TKXSB29JTWMT
The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684033349/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_97792NFWPE6785Y68Y8Q
I'm not a pain management specialist so am reticent to recommend things specific to that. In terms of mood related issues, I am a clinical social worker and have experience working with anxiety, depression, stress/adjustment, etc. I find the following pretty good:
https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Mood-Second-Changing/dp/1462520421?ref_=d6k_applink_bb_marketplace
Also, if you already have some background in CBT, either professionally or working with a therapist, this is a good resource for worksheets:
https://www.psychologytools.com/downloads/cbt-worksheets-and-therapy-resources/
I see they've added guides now too and there is one on health anxiety that I'll probably read.
Could not agree more. Particularly the journaling. My therapist recommended this book
https://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Over-Mood-Second-Changing/dp/1462520421
No matter how little time you spent with her all the emotional issues come flooding back. This book helped me stop all the negative thoughts.
So for me, my social anxiety was really tied in with my perfectionism and fear of negative evaluation from others, so I found this workbook really helpful. A more straightforward workbook that’s just focused on social anxiety would be this one which I haven’t used myself so I can’t personally vouch for it, but the New Harbinger workbooks are generally good and I took a browse through the table of contents and it seems legit. And then the broadest in scope but best recommended general CBT workbook would be Mind Over Mood which is your absolute home run in terms of doing CBT (the best treatment for social anxiety) at home without a therapist (so long as you put the work in). This website from Australia also has a ton of free online resources (including what looks like an entire module based workbook) that you can download and check out before spending money on things. :)
Yes - they says they have c-ptsd. I believe this is a genuine diagnosis but patient noncompliance w treatment/therapy (they had a hissy fit at their therapy appt a few days ago about meds) mean they aren’t making any kind of reasonable progress. They use their mental health issues as a crutch and justification for their terrible behaviour. They do nothing to better their situation but seem quite content to relish in the “spotlight” by complaining about their circumstances at any opportunity.
Not sure which book you were referring to so I included all of them.
The search options absolutely suck.
I have done CBT and my GF knows a lot about it (though her brand of therapy is to use the tools she has learned from each modality that she agrees with to give clients the specific care they need).
IMO, anyone who treats a client with CBT will be able to accommodate any shift that needs to take place in that cyclone of thought triggering feeling triggering behavior triggering thought, etc. etc. whether it be anxiety, addiction, or phobia or anything else (in my case it was self-loathing/self-compassion).
I imagine there are people who are very specialized in treating phobias but I have a dear friend who got great care for his phobia from a CBT therapist without that specialty.
My suggestion would be to use Zocdoc (or your search resources) to find therapists that use CBT or therapists who specialize in phobias.
Then, when you reach out to them, tell them that's specifically what you are looking for help with (they will often reply to inquiries asking that question - what brings you to therapy, etc.). Generally speaking, they won't take you on as a client if they don't think they can help you with your specific issue.
Then try a session with them and see how it goes. If you click, carry on with them and see what they can do. If it doesn't work out, you try another.
This book was recommended to me by my CBT therapist. It isn't a self-help book with ideas/platitudes. It is a CBT workbook that you can do. If you put the work in, you will see changes. It is no replacement for a therapist but it may give you a way to start that won't provoke the anxiety of your situation.
I did a lot of work with it around self-compassion. It and self-compassion meditations were so helpful.
And I resisted the HELL out of both suggestions when I was given them.
I am absolutely here to support if you need anything. You can PM me anytime. My own journey in mental health (both through medication and therapy) has changed everything for me in a massive way. I want to help others who need to go on their own journey.
If you are in California, I can provide specific recommendations for good CBT therapists.
Please know that you can get the help you need. You absolutely deserve that help. You aren't alone in this no matter how much it may feel that way.
The #2 thing I hear from my GF about her work is that so many people think they are alone in their issues and struggles. But we all have issues. They are part of who we are. They are part of being human. They are why we are unique. Good or bad, they deserve space to be addressed.
My therapist recommended this workbook for CBT work.
Look into cognitive behavioral theraphy, it's meant to identify the roots of your behavior and then work on it. If you can't afford it, there are still some techniques you can try yourself:
https://positivepsychology.com/cbt-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-techniques-worksheets/
Edit - here's the book covering the techniques: https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Mood-Second-Changing/dp/1462520421
I like this one:
Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1462520421/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_SK1yCbK1J7KDR
Mind over Mood is a good one.
Edit: David Burns is a big name in CBT and it looks like he wrote a book just for anxiety called When Panic Attacks.
My ex wanted a divorce after 12 years ... we had 3 kids. Things started off ok, we traded off weeks... the kids seemed to be adjusting ok. She then went and took a job in another city and moved with the kids (all of that was ok per the divorce decree, just not out of state).
It has been very hard. I only get them on weekends 1, 3, 5 ... it breaks my heart to be away from them for so long. They aren't adjusting too well. Each time I say good bye is difficult ... tears all around. Talking to them every night is not the same. That being said, we've been working hard (the kids and I) to build a better relationship. I have a better relationship with my youngest than I did while married now ...
If you take off you will regret it. Moving past the punishment mentality is a must ... and it is difficult. Then there is the "I don't want to do jack" phase ... I'm in that now ... being productive is a chore ... but it must be done. You have to push through. See a therapist if you need to ... hold your kids and just remember that there still exists a relationship with each of them that is worth fighting for ... they aren't broken. They need you. They want you. They love you. You need to push on so you can be there for them. You will have time for yourself when they are with their mom ... but work to make that time worthwhile and productive.
Lastly, don't hate yourself for your thoughts. Thoughts can be changed. Until they become actions, they are not concrete things ... change your thoughts, change your perspective.
Have a look at the following two books, recommended by my therapist:
First I want to say that I'm sorry you went through that, that sounds like a really difficult experience and something really traumatic. I would probably feel the same way as you.
I'm not sure what type of therapy you're doing, but have you tried doing CBT or DBT? Either doing CBT therapy specifically related to this incident, or I know there are groups that teach CBT and DBT skills more generally, and I think those can be really helpful (either instead of talk therapy or in addition to it). I'm not sure where you're located, but I know where I am (in Toronto, Canada) my family doctor referred me to CBT and DBT programs run by a hospital. There are also private therapists who do them and you can find info online.
If you're not able to get into a group, a workbook we used in my CBT group can be bought on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Over-Mood-Second-Changing/dp/1462520421/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3BYYO1LB0W9OX&dchild=1&keywords=mind+over+mood+2nd+edition&qid=1626460950&sprefix=mind+over+mood%2Caps%2C1221&sr=8-1
And this is the workbook we used in my DBT group: https://www.amazon.ca/Skills-Training-Handouts-Worksheets-Second/dp/1572307811/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2T2PCJMXK1EAT&dchild=1&keywords=dbt+skills+training+handouts+and+worksheets+second+edition&qid=1626461008&sprefix=DBT+%2Caps%2C234&sr=8-1
I also would probably leave the organization if I were in your position, though of course I don't know all the details, at least just for a fresh start. Is there maybe another organization with similar goals that you could join?
I'm not sure where you are writing from... it would be different by country. If you go to a family doctor they can give you a prescription for Anti-Depressants that sound like they would be covered by your health insurance.
You might want to call your insurance provider and ask if you are covered for therapy. Sometimes insurance will cover it if your Family Doctor has diagnosed you with depression, the person you receive treatment from has a specific degree and you are receiving certain types of therapy.
If you have no coverage and you have a bit of motivation I would consider picking up Mind over Mood. It's a self help book that therapists often use in Depression and Anxiety. http://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Over-Mood-Second-Changing/dp/1462520421/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1447613207&sr=8-1&keywords=mind+over+mood
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