Exactly. I like how this is described by Carol Dweck in the book Mindset.
Loosing self worth after failure is sign of wrong fixed mindset while people with good growth mindset see then as learning oportunity.
As someone in tech, these interviews don't really test smarts, programming skills, or IQ. Just that you can grind leetcode.
Tech interviews are all really just a game with a huge amount of luck involved. Sometimes you get all problems you've heard before with lenient interviews, sometimes you get a bunch of leetcode hards with interviewers who expect you to write a proof before solving it. I definitely wouldn't consider someone smarter or dumber then me based on how they did in an interview.
It's tough after a rejection but it's good that you're going to keep applying. Time is on your side and Google will probably be knocking on your door again in 6 to 9 months anyway.
As far as impostor syndrome I'd recommend reading this book https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
It barely mentions impostor syndrome specifically but the skills taught in it are almost directly related.
I think this is actually a very big deal and something I try to pay attention to as a parent. When you praise your kid for "being smart", that becomes their identity, and once they hit something they don't understand they feel their identity threatened. If you instead praise your kid for their hard work, then learning hard stuff just becomes a matter of more hard work.
This is obviously a gross oversimplification, but check out a woman named Carol Dweck for more on this.
Hey friend, you should read this book.
Thanks for the shout out. This is a very important topic to me and I'm glad to see others interest as well.
Other countries seem to put more of an emphasis on education, unfortunately, America doesn't, and it will be it's undoing. As an educated populace drives technological superiority which determines which country is the super power. The Chinese, culturally understand this.
The American system is what I call a managed democracy, powers that be have no interest of having an educated population capable of critical thinking to spot and stop corruption.
There is a great book I would like to recommend. Mindset by Carol Dweck. (Sorry for the shill, I'm not Carol I promise. ) Leading researcher in human motivation. She talks a lot about how people learn and how to restructure our education system so the younger generation may thrive.
I hope we can find a solution to get people to value education, a lot do, but a lot don't. I think that will change with self driving cars and 14% of the population is suddenly out of work. This I think will provide a tipping point.
It's never good to count your eggs before they hatch, but post MOASS this will be a charitable endeavor of mine. I hope that we can work together for the betterment of humanity.
I don't think I could explain my current mindset in words, as it's a mixture of all sorts of things. But generally, I think I used to have a fixed mindset, whereas I now have a growth mindset. This is explained in the excellent book Mindset, by Carol Dweck. This was in Bill Gates' top 5 books of the year a few years ago. Have a read of it. https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
You should read the Mindset by Carol S Dweck. The key to master is training and continue practice. Basically we need to have growth mindset and believe that with practice and training we can learn any skills and apply it.
​
>I never have liked or had passion for coding just because I am not able to solve problem solving questions.
Passion is not something hidden that you have to discover. When you practice hard enough you get good at something and slowly you start enjoying. If you are already graduated then I would suggest dedicate at least hour a day learning and applying.
I would also suggest that do project based learning either buy doing Udemy or Pluralsight courses and build things from scratch.
https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322 This might be a good place to start! Easy read short sections so you can read in between other activities or before bed. Once you start putting these ideas in it will help break negative thought patterns.
Have you looked into growth mindset and discussed having a growth mindset with him?
For grownups:
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success https://www.amazon.com/dp/0345472322/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_3F6K1Y9XT62KMK6B3QF9
There's a book called YOUR FANTASTIC ELASTIC BRAIN that's more for upper elementary. I googled "growth mindset for teens" and there are tons of resources.
Growth mindset is the idea that through effort we can physically grow and change our brain, and that effort is what matters over innate ability.
There are some rightful criticisms of this concept as many people face structural hurdles to success. However it is very useful for situations such as your sons, where they have ability but they are afraid to make a mistake. This is usually because their identity is around being smart and they are afraid that if they mess up that their identity will be taken away from them. Hence the emphasis on effort. I really really suggest checking it out, it truly speaks to the exact situation that you find yourself in and I feel like if you can understand growth mindset and introduce it to your son it could make a big difference for him. I wouldn't force him to take the class I would try to get him to want to try and to understand that failing if he does is actually a positive thing because it shows that he is getting outside of his comfort zone, which is actually how we grow.
Buddy you're reading too much into this IQ score.
Most of India is below 100 (there are some arguments for why that's the case). At best you will be 1 standard deviation below the median - that's not too bad really. The IQ curve is a bell curve, so 83 will still put you in like the 30-40 percentile. That's not some crazy low IQ and enough people live happy satisfied life's with that level of intelligence.
This book I had found quite interesting: https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
I feel you on this! I was very similar to you in not trying certain things bc I wanted to be perfect right away or getting frustrated and quitting too soon. I also struggle w/ anxiety and depression.
If you like reading, I'd suggest checking out Carol Dweck's Mindset book. It really, really changed my life! I stopped fearing failure and literally did a 180 on my life bc of the info/ advice from her.
Also, I use a lil saying to help me when I do mess up: AFGO or AFLO - "Another Fucking Growth/Learning Opportunity" lol usually said sarcastically but it helps keep things in perspective. I really do like learning tho!
Dweck also wrote a popular science book on this topic: Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
It's a great resource for understanding growth mindset so that you can cultivate it in yourself and others.
I work in the industry and it took me years to get over my imposter syndrome. This book helped me a lot: https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=nodl_
I recommend reading this. One of the things it emphasizes is not to beat yourself up because you’re not smart. It’s less likely that someone is smart and more likely that they put in effort to get to where they are. Also interesting tidbit was about how women usually give up more often in the face of adversity due to the gendered way we grew up. Anyway the book really motivated me to stop feeling bad about being smart or not and to start investing my time into actually learning things.
After reading the OP's reply, I think you would really appreciate this book. A lot of what he discusses in his reply is what Dr. Carol Dweck, a professor of psychology at Stanford, has studied most of her life. It really dives into the idea of motivation or lack thereof.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0345472322/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Work with him on "mindset". Start with this book Mindset by Carol Dweck
There are also some mindset curriculum/textbooks for kids. A relatively new science, and good info for anyone to have.
I'm sorry to hear that, and your heart must be massive to share in a time like this!
My only suggestion is to read this book. It has generally good advice for tackling life difficulties, but has a whole section on relationships as well. Since you are going to think about it anyhow, might as well try to make it a net-positive.
I cannot stand the word 'loser' when describing someone. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, no matter who you are, who your parents are, where you're born, etc. Everyone has their own problems that need to be worked on
Do what you gotta do man, and you'll make it. Do the engineering for sure
> I will have to take remedial math and I feel I may be to dumb for it.
^ 100% read this book, it will change your whole attitude for this. My personal opinion is there's no such thing as being smart or dumb, but instead how much effort you put in https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
> I have no friends either.
^ Once you start studying there will be peeps there :) whenever you do something new you meet new people. You can make friends everywhere!
Good luck man, you've got massive potential!
Oh man, this looks like its directly from Mindset, by Carol Dweck. Absolutely fantastic book. Definitely recommend reading it. Getting these ideas in front of kindergarteners? I so support this
> I have huge huge fear of studying and examinations
If you're like many (myself included), that fear is a fear of failure. But here the psychology of mindsets might be practically useful (while being a little off-topic to philosophy). Carol Dweck's popular book derived from research at Stanford, isolates fear of failure as a fixed mindset that fears that one doesn't have fundamentally what it takes to succeed. In contrast, the growth mindset sees all challenges as an opportunity for growth; failure is actually an opportunity to learn and grow, not a setback.
Fear of failure can be rational as you note; a failed test and poor grade is a possible outcome. But the true fear is that one's worth will be entirely summed up by a low grade. That is an irrational fear. A failed test says nothing about your true capacity, it only shows where you can now improve and cultivate your abilities with more effort.
The ideas are based on the findings discussed in this book, but yeah the ideas are very commonly used in school.
Source: am teacher, been at two different campuses that were trying to implement growth mindset with students
Then read this book in order to learn how not to get stressed out by challenging coursework, thereby allowing you more processing power with which to tackle the material and not get in your own way.
http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
Try reading this. It's not self-help really - it's just an explanation for a phenomenon that has gotten the best of many many "talented" people, including me.
Feel free to PM or respond here if it interests you. Just a very good, empirical explanation of what is (potentially) going on.
http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
Her book is great and explains everything more thoroughly. What that quote is more referring to is kids who get stuck on the fact that school is too easy and pointless. Instead of letting the goal for those kits simply be to get all of the questions on an assignment right, she suggests parents change the focus towards figuring out what can be learned from school, outside of the prescribed assignments. Dweck isn't saying to never be proud of accomplishments, but more to remove the artificial limit of "getting all the homework questions correct" being the end goal.
The book is called "Mindset" by Carol Dweck. It's definitely worth reading. Amazon link - http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Success-Carol-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453075422&sr=8-1&keywords=mindset
Read http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322 It is a book about different mindsets and how they effect your ability to do things in your life. Her description of people that procrastinate described me perfectly.
The book helped me change my perspective on things and it didn't cure me of procrastination but it helped me a lot.
Good luck
yes you can improve at anything if you put in the time and effort, this include software developing.
You have a pretty bad perception on skill acquisition. I would recommend reading
http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
if you keep the same altitude about this subject then you'll most likely going fail.
good luck
edit: grammar
Had similar feelings, and this book helped me tremendously. It's all about how we think about failure and who we are, and how that affects performance. Also, you should try cognitive behavioral therapy which will help you figure out the source of those problems. http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
I think you'll really like the book 'Mindset' by Carol S. Dweck. She's a Stanford psychologist, and this book digs into her 10+ years of research.
It may help give context to why people think that way. My guess is that they're operating from a 'fixed mindset' about school work or intelligence, believing that they cannot improve. When someone believes that, it's easier to make excuses, blame external circumstances, or rationalize why that person will not be affected from lack of effort.
Check it out.
It is quick paced, not misleading, no more or less substantial than any of the other standard podcasts...heard about the book Mindset from her podcast, for which I am grateful
http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
Listen at 2x speed while cooking, driving, etc...burn through 6 months in a few days then move on, wait another six months, catch up, no big deal
sure she's LA...lingo, flippant, interviewing former students, pitching herself - who cares? what's better? all screenwriting podcasts do the same...hers is better than most, top 5
He and anyone else having recently had the same realization need to at least skim Mindset by Carol Dweck. I had a similar epiphany several months ago after reading a NYTimes article similar to the Tribune one. Dweck has been researching this phenomenon for some time, lays it out very simply in her book, and makes it possible to act.
If you see this pattern in yourself and you are not pleased about it, then here's the book for you:
http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Success-Carol-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=tmm_pap_title_0
I'm normally pretty skeptical about psych books, but this one is worth the read.
I am in this exact sort of situation. I've come to realize that I've been considered unusually smart mostly because of the school system in which I was raised, and that they weren't entirely correct. Yes, I am smart, but that does not mean I shouldn't have to work for what I am "supposed to live up to". I could go on, but let me just say this:
Everyone here: check. out. this. book. --> "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success" by Carol S Dweck, Ph.D.
And, yes, I suppose you could just read the first and last chapters and still get the point. It's worth checking out at least, especially if you are someone who thinks they aren't getting what they "deserve" out of life or aren't living up to their potential.
https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
I found this was a great book to challenge that mindset. It helped me a lot anyway.
These are 2 of the books he recommended/required all of his top level people to read:
>I feel like I'm not this old person
You're not. You have a shit ton of time ahead of you.
Before you get into botox, get yourself a good sunscreen - nothing fucks with your skin as much as UV rays - and read up on retinoids (sunscreen is an absolute must with retinoids too). They're magical, just kinda bothersome before your skin learns to tolerate them. They work for acne too. A common name is Retin A.
Sit down and write down every single thing you wanna experience in life, literally everything that comes into your mind, no matter how silly. Put your phone away, sit down with a piece of paper and keep writing for 20 mins, don't get up until the time is over even if you think you're done earlier.
Then write down everything you want to have in your life in 5 years. Describe our ideal life, down to the smallest detail. Picture it in your mind. You won't achieve the life you want if you don't know what it looks like.
The next things is to figure out what steps you need to take to get there. Write down actionable goals that will make it possible to achieve the life you want. Example: "lose weight" or "speak French" are not actionable. You can't hold yourself acountable with goals like that. "Hit the gym 3 times a week" or "watch netflix with French subtitles for 20 mins a day" - now that's an actionable goal.
Start small. So small, failing is impossible. Watch this. Forget big change, start with a tiny habit
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdKUJxjn-R8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lp7E973zozc
She also has a book
Consider therapy.
Find a a skill you want to master, and figure out how to get better at it. Something you've always wanted to try, or maybe something new. Start small, put the work in and watch yourself get better with time. You need something that will give you a sense of pride in yourself, and it can't be your looks or you're gonna have a bad time later in life. Maybe check out Yoga with Adrienne on youtube. Also Yogavered on instagram - she started from zero in her 30s after 3 kids. If you lack confidence to even try new things as you're too afraid to fail, you need to change your attitude. I can't recommend this book enough https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
Stop saying things like that >I'm a loser
Maybe someone talked to you like this once and now you're telling it to yourself, maybe there are other reasons. But when you tell yourself you're X, your brain listens, and that's what you become. Next time you catch yourself having thoughts like that, acknowledge it, say "Oh, there it is again, I'm talking shit about myself" and move on. Consider reading this book https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-English-Bhante-Henepola-Gunarantana/dp/1536610208
Good luck.
That’s sad but I get it. Can I play therapist for a second? ^Disclaimer: ^not ^a ^therapist
Let me put it this way: do you want to paint? Then go paint. Is painting itself not the issue but you still want to have some skill to be proud of? Then go find something you want to do and do it.
I struggled with this for almost my entire life. I didn’t want to try new things. One day it clicked: I was only seeking validation of my intellect. My whole life I was told that I had the brains to do anything I wanted, and I held on to that very tightly. In my mind, my innate potential was held up as my only source of self worth, and trying any new thing that I absolutely knew I couldn’t do beforehand represented an unacceptable risk to my ego. What if I tried—tried as hard as I possibly could—and failed?
Well I was put in a situation at work where I had no choice but to try and fail, and do you know what? Nobody expected me to succeed. Nobody was keeping score on my successes and failures in my life. All they asked of me was to do my best.
And so I did try, and it was hard, and I fucked up a lot. Ultimately I succeeded, but it was not a smooth ride. And along the way, I would check in with myself, and I found that I was still here, still breathing. And I felt myself grow. It was exciting.
After that, I picked up some new hobbies—because they were interesting to me and I had always wanted to try them—and I totally sucked at them. But I kept at them, and had soul crushing failures, but also intense euphoric rushes of success, and ultimately gained the confidence to do what I really wanted to do with my life. I had a choice now. My motivations were truly my own.
Check out “Mindset” by Carol Dweck (Mindset: The New Psychology of Success https://www.amazon.com/dp/0345472322/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_bSNVAbNDXTJPM). She explicitly describes the exact thing that it took me years of soul searching to find out. I was in the “fixed” mindset, in her words, and I somehow managed to get into a “growth” mindset. I allowed myself to try and fail and try and fail and ultimately succeed. And even if I didn’t succeed—I was the only one paying attention, so who cares?
Lots of words, and maybe I am making too many assumptions, but I am very passionate about this topic because I wish someone sat me down and told it to me decades ago. I hope this helps you and anyone else reading this.
There is a thing called mindset. Carol Dweck has spent most of her career dedicated to this topic. There is a growth mindset and there is a fixed mindset. I won't try to explain it when it has been explained already.
​
Learning about this growth mindset was a turning point in my career. I am a better person and am growing in my career.
It already exists.
https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
https://www.amazon.de/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
According to Amazon it's 2007, not 2017.
Still far too late, considering tWoK Prime is much older than that.
it sounds like she has a "fixed mindset" (as opposed to "growth mindset"). She has to first believe that she can improve/change, otherwise, as valamforth said, there's nothing you can do. Whether it's a therapist, friend, relative - if you can find someone that she will listen to who can convince her to believe that she can change, then there's hope. Carol Dweck wrote a nice book about growth mindset - here's a TED talk she did. and her book. best of luck.
This got longer than anticipated and I'm not sure I answered you well. Let me know if anything's unclear.
.
I'm stubborn as fuck, insatiably curious, and know I can learn anything if I put in enough time, energy, and effort. It's how I escaped my family and culture of origin twenty years ago. I figure no one saved me then, no one is going to save me now, except myself. (I had sporadic support from various people over the decades and do have help/support from my SO now, but the healing repetitions are all on me.) I keep putting in the work for future me. I didn't even realize I had CPTSD or was abused until four years ago (twenty years after escaping - denial is a bitch). Before that I had already been working on improving myself (and seeing some progress), but I didn't know what I was actually trying to fix. Once the trauma puzzle piece clicked into place, I threw myself in learning everything I could about healing from trauma bc "I can deal with what I know about." I had found my root cause issue. All the other issues I had were stemming from trauma. I know focusing on the root cause is an effective strategy, so that's what I do.
I had to learn how to meet myself where I'm at. I had to learn to build a large toolbox of strategies, so I can choose tools that best meet the current circumstances. (My best is always changing and the circumstances are always changing.) How I feed myself on bad days looks very different than how I feed myself on good days, for example. Different tools for different circumstances. I focus on what I can control and grieve the things I can't control, it helps me stay curious in growth mindset and put in my healing repetitions. No one can do my healing repetitions for me. My therapist can't, my SO can't, my abusers can't. I have to put in my healing repetitions if I want to improve.
It's like learning to ride a bike. I can read books, watch videos, talk to experts, etc and the only way I'll actually learn how to ride a bike is to get on a bike and consciously practice riding it until I build the skill. Same with my healing strategies. If I want to learn regulation skills, I have to practice them. If I want to change my inner dialog, I have to catch myself and change it in the moment over and over again until I build the new neural net. It takes away a ton of shame for me. My brain and nervous got mis-calibrated due to trauma, now I have to put in the healing repetitions to change those old neural nets to something more beneficial. It's just how neuroplasticity works. Bad reps got me here, good reps can get me out.
My toolbox has a mix of top down brain based modalities and bottom up somatic body based modalities to involve the most neurons possible in my healing. I base them around neuroplasticity, polyvagal theory, and attachment theory (see resources below).
It helped that I had already found yoga. Yoga ninja-ed my brain into learning regulation skills and helped me wake up to my trauma. It's still a go-to modality for me. Regulation skills really help everything else and help build an upwards spiral for me. I learned how to breathe doing yoga. I learned how to meditate doing yoga. Or really, my body learned it first and I figured out what I had learned after I learned it. Like, my body slipped into meditation on its own one day at the end of class, and then I learned how to do it on my own outside of class after that. Somatic modalities are really good for me bc of this. They help my body feel safer, which reduces my experience of anxiety overall when I practice regularly.
Try different healing strategies out and see what works for you. But by try, i mean really put in conscious practice for a while to see if there's a change. One yoga class isn't gonna do much of anything, but three classes a week for a few months/years can make a huge impact. It's about regular conscious practice of whatever you choose to try. Even starting with simply trying to consciously meet your own human needs and practice self-nurturing behaviors every day can build self trust and move the needle.
Some resources to explore:
"The Brain that Changes Itself" by Doidge on neuroplasticity
"Mindset" by Dweck on fixed mindset vs. growth mindset
Books by Stephen Porges and Deb Dana on polyvagal theory, regulation skills, and window of tolerance
"Becoming Attached first relationships and how they shape our capacity to love" by Robert Karen on attachment theory
"The Myth of Normal - trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture" by Dr. Gabor Maté and Daniel Maté.
The Trust Triangle - Am I allowing myself to be authentic? Am I extending my empathy towards myself? etc.
The Anatomy of Trust - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym. Am I settling and maintaining boundaries? Am I holding myself accountable? etc.
10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors - these erode trust. Am I dehumanizing myself?
Intelligence is NOT fixed.
I recommend the book "mindset" by Carol Dwek, it explains this. /u/surlysiren mentions "growth mindset" in their comment. This is what Dwek writes about.
https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
Also, as others have mentioned, check with your doctor.
Lot of other possibilities, that's why you check with a doctor.
And there are different types of intelligence. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_multiple_intelligences
People have different strengths. Some relate to how much you have practiced, and some may be genetic/environmental.
You may not be Einstein, none of us are, but you can improve, and you can play to your strengths! Don't give up.
I've gotta say, you have a knack for writing. Keep doing it. Get a journal and start writing, find your goals and map your path, and document every step. It'll help you stay on track.
I'm going to recommend a book that really helped me, it has a ridiculous title, but consider reading it, it can be dry, as it is about research into mindset, but, it will help.
https://www.amazon.ca/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
The cliff note is that no matter our situation in life we can change how we learn, intelligence is not fixed, it can grow like a muscle, we are capable of learning and developing all our lives.
Did your therapist explain to you the difference between being stupid and making stupid choices?
I recommend the following; go to your nearest community college and look into what you need to do to get your high school diploma.
Starting is hard, keeping going can be harder. But, you absolutely will get there. 24 is not too late. You have decades of life and experiences before you. It is important to reflect on your past, but so very important to look forward as well.
Break it down into manageable steps, first, find the college that will help you get your high school diploma, then look into what assistance there is for tuition. There will be assistance.
All Post-Secondary institutions have counseling departments trained to assist students in learning about what funding is available to help them. Exhaust those resources first. These services are free to prospective students, you can just walk in off the street and as to talk to a recruiter and let them know what you need.
You can and will do this.
K so this may seem silly and may sound like a self-help book, but its is so much more than that, the title is just silly. Anyway:
https://www.amazon.ca/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
At the beginning of the pandemic, I was in a job that was destroying my mental health due to a really bad boss. My self-confidence was shot, I was lost and uninspired by my work. On the day they sent us home to work from home, I stood in my office and vowed not to return to it.
But I had no clue how to really go about getting out of the fog I was in.
Thankfully my husband has seen this book and grabbed it, knowing at some point I would be ready to pick it up. It changed my life, completely.
I started taking courses, I then enrolled in a certificate, I started engaging other departments where I work to get myself out there, and at the end of the summer in 2021, I changed jobs to something aligned with my goals for my career, on an amazing team, with an awesome boss. And I accomplished all of it without my old boss having any fucking clue. The day I called her to tell her I was leaving the role was very rewarding.
My replacement lasted less than three months, and she still hasn't filled it. No one within the organization applied for the job because it is widely known that she is truly awful.
Five years I spent suffering under her shit management. Five fucking years, before I was able to take a step out. The disruption caused by the pandemic allowed me to take a beat (as awful as this pandemic has been) and this book allowed me to change direction.
I highly recommend it. It's backed by science and not some silly fad.
I know it’s hard and when you’ve suffered trauma, it makes it even more so. I definitely recommend trying to get into some sort of therapy if you can. Trauma left unchecked can get worse over time. I would recommend checking out either of these books at your local library if you have access
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Body_Keeps_the_Score
https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
This months read: Mindset, Carol Dweck
Not sure what you mean by a "smack on the open hand" but if at all possible, I'd try to remove that from the tool box. Anger makes that stuff get out of hand really quickly if you're not careful, and that's a bad result.
I used to just get up and walk out of the room until I was in shape to deal with whatever too, so I like that move.
Few ideas for you.
Try to use more carrot than stick. Whatever that means.
I had an allowance set up where different jobs around the house were worth different pay. You could get rich at my house picking up after the dog, if that makes sense. As long as it was legal I let them spend their money anyway they wanted. I levied fines if they got out of line. That used to really piss them off. I figured that's how real life works, so they might as well get used to it.
Don't ever lay down a law you can't deliver on. You lose credibility. Ending a vacation early falls in that category. So, better to make it small, but guaranteed.
Try to build trust and influence rather than always being the heavy. Those are tough years by the way, so good on you for reflecting.
I really recommend reading everything by Carol Dweck and Angela Duckworth. Both were very helpful for me in terms of leaning to deal positivity with kids. Both are leaders in the field of child development.
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success https://www.amazon.com/dp/0345472322/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_glc_fabc_8B48MAP1Y7MVXXE4BCBH
Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance https://www.amazon.com/dp/1501111116/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_glc_fabc_F0E24CG1F9E80BS9EV3Z
Just keep improving every day, and stick with the journey, and you'll do fine.
Dude, drop what you are doing and grab a copy of mindset: https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
You're biggest barrier right now is yourself. While it is true that some people are unlucky or worse off than others, you certainly won't get anywhere if your mindset is that you are just unlucky and can't possibly improve your situation.
It sounds like BS but having a positive outlook can make all the difference.
If you are in a tough spot and can't afford the book, then just do some research on "growth vs fixed" mindset.
I have the same problem. It's really, really bad. Nothing really helped me, no advice that I've heard over the years. Maybe some of them did help, but very little.
Here's something that I stumbled upon a few days ago and it is the first time where I feel actual change. I think now it's easier for me to not tilt because of this (I only read 3 chapters so far, but already see the effects):
https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
Carol Dweck: Mindset https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
Petr Ludwig: The End of Procrastination (Outcomes chapter) https://procrastination.com/book
Seligman: Flourish https://www.bookdepository.com/Flourish-Martin-E.-P.-Seligman/9781439190760
The End of Procrastination https://procrastination.com/book
Mindset https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
Hijacking this comment to recommend Mindset by Carol Dweck for anyone interested in this.
Carol S. Dweck, here's a link! https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
I'm not sure of the post, but the book may be Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
Hey guys!
I'm really sorry that I forgot to reply, but I just wanted to thank you all for your wonderful insight. I'm tagging everyone in the thread as a thank you. I was doing some reading in regards to believing in yourself and positive psychology. A lot of how we think really translates to our reality (I believe). I found an article that best summarizes what I've been reading lately https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201610/how-build-your-belief-in-yourself I would also like to recommend a book if anyone has time to read it. It's called Growth Mindset by Dr. Carol Dweck. https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322 My sister is starting a pre-med program at WSU and we are both reading this book together as a way to help our mindsets. Although I wish I had a very indestructible mindset, sometimes it helps to hear from others though, and I'm grateful that this is a very supportive community.
/u/Khem_kid, /u/Pimms_and_Patellas, /u/samariam, /u/skleats, /u/fourcolortheorem, /u/FederalReserveNote, /u/chefsarecursed.
Also /u/prematurealzheimers and /u/knowuow, I was at the one at UCLA :). We might have crossed paths via that web broadcast thing haha
> How do you grow self esteem when you can't get laid
By having an amazing job, cool hobbies and passions, and great friends! You sounds pretty awesome.
> This is a vicious circle, though
No, it's a dead end. You can't get out of the trap by thinking about it the way you are thinking about it.
Look, I'm a random guy on the internet, I don't know you, but if I had to guess, I'd say that you are looking for a woman to validate that you are a good person. "If they reject me, I'm a bad/failed person. If they accept me, I'm a success". This is not a good way to think about it. (and yes, you can choose how you think about it).
This "frame" makes every loss painful, personal, it can make you angry - because you are thinking of each date as an evaluation of you as a person - while the girl just thinks she's just out on a date. This kind of relates: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Framing_effect_(psychology).
And then when you go on dates, you are wary of getting hurt (understandably), and maybe angry (also understandable), but it's not her job to care, she's not a friend (yet) - she can just tell you are defensive, and angry. Two nopes, she's gone.
So, the world's not gonna change, but you can. (you're an awesome guy, you can do this. Read this, if you need to: https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322)
But if you think of each interaction as a gift - more than you had before. Then instead of being angry, you had another success, you are happy, ready to tackle another one. To get better. You went on a date, +1. The discussion went well, +1. She responded, instead of ghosting you. +1. You realize half the guys here aren't doing as well as you?
Think of it as a fucking video game (pun intended). The more points you get, the more achievements you unlock. (Panties: unlocked!). Go collect as many points as you can, and recognize your successes, count your points, it will motivate you - just like playing a video game.
Mindset is a book that has completely changed how people perceive self-improvement, and that's not an exaggeration. This book is extremely well-known and often referenced, and it's possible you know of it already. Probably in the top 3 most life-changing self-improvement books out there.
Leadership and Self-Deception is a very engaging read, and its goal is to help you see relationships with friends, coworkers and employees as they are, not how you think they are. It helps you "get outside of the box" that you see the world through, and stop the cycle of self-justification that many people have. Highly recommend reading it.
I'm not one for non-fiction, but I had to read this in high school and really enjoyed it.
https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
I, too, was in remedial math when I first started college. Two recommendations: (1) Find the best math professor there is at your school - you need a great teacher. (2) Check out this book from your local library: https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322. Cultivate your mindset - you CAN pass remedial math and you WILL pass remedial math, but it's a step-by-step process and it's going to be hard work. You're not inherently "bad" at math. Don't let this one thing stand in your way of achieving your dreams. (3) When you do get back into a math class, check out https://www.khanacademy.org/ for free video tutorials on the topics you are studying for some extra help.
On the question of whether it is factually accurate, check out this fantastic (and science-backed) resource: http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
Mindset by Carol Dweck
You are already at the bottom. So, it can only get better. Start by reading this:
http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
have you read book Mindset?
It's my pleasure, just remember that there are going to be plenty of lows, even if you can summon the strength to try things it won't be a straight line. The statistics are on your side as long as you try, but you won't win every battle.
It's going to be very hard, and if you feel hopeless or desperate you can PM me anytime.
I recommend Carol Dweck for you, it's very relevant, and I think you will enjoy her works, especially the Mindset book:
https://www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve?language=en
http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&page=1&rh=n%3A283155%2Cp_27%3ACarol%20Dweck
Thank you.
I hate waiting too. I hope I can learn to embrace the journey a bit more, to let go, I guess. I recently read Mindset by Carol Dweck and I keep trying to apply it to my life. In a nutshell, the book is about having a fixed mindset toward intelligence or a growth mindset. When one has a growth mindset, he/she is more open to "failure" or making mistakes and as a result learns and grows much more than someone with a fixed mindset, who avoids challenges because they could expose him/her as unintelligent, resulting in a lack of growth. It's an interesting topic. She's got a ted talk too.
Apparently this turned into a Carol Dweck endorsement. Thanks for your reply. I feel slightly less alone!
It's Carol Dweck :) http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
Videos:
"The Art of Being Yourself": I just found this gem of a Youtube video (TEDx talk) by Caroline McHugh. Outlines and explores the challenges of being yourself and valuing what makes us unique.
Almost anything by Les Brown: Les Brown is in ALL SENSES of the word a POWERFUL motivational speaker. While his message and stories are repetitive over multiple talks, I have come to appreciate his charismatic, personal, and open approach to motivation. I find his earlier talks to be more substantial than his more recent work.
David Burns on distorted thoughts: Psychiatrist David Burns outlines major ideas from his book “Feeling Good.” Most of the negative thoughts we have are distortions of our reality—we hold ourselves back.
"Stools": a short video about a man who builds stools with his feet. "You can't find chairs made this way anywhere else. Do you think there's anyone who can cut wood and make chairs like this?"
Books:
"Mindset" by Carol Dweck. Check out some youtube videos for an idea, but the book is DEFINITELY worth reading. Basically gives scientific support to the age-old motivational theories that adjusting our approach to learning is a HUGE ASPECT of success.
That's it for now.
Not many people are into reading books, but you would probably really benefit from this: http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Success-Carol-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1433098556&sr=8-1&keywords=mindset
There's are two books that you might find helpful:
You've tried things before and they didn't work. That's not a reason to be depressed - you have information to work with! You can think about why something didn't work and use that to come up with a strategy for the next round. And the next round. And the next round. You're going to come out of this with a lot of experience with things going wrong, and that's going to help you a lot in the future, because things will go wrong then too. If you know that that's ok, because you've come out on the other side before, you'll be much better equipped to deal with whatever comes your way.
Who do you admire more: the guy who's always been athletic and good at every sport without putting any effort in, or the guy who had a lot of false starts and still kept putting in effort and reached his goals?
Yep! This is further discussed in Carol Dweck's book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.
entrepreneurial thinkers must understand "self-efficacy"
Or Read this book http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Success-Carol-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1416175396&sr=1-1&keywords=Dweck+mindset
Some things I have found to be total game-changers:
Check your neurotransmitters. Try supplementing with 5-htp (precursor to serotonin) and tyrosine (precursor to dopamine). Both are OTC and both absolutely work. 5-htp improves my mood and sleep quite a bit, and tyrosine in the morning dramatically increases my motivation. If you're eating poorly because you're bummed out, it is further depleting both of these.
I asked a similar question about being an unfulfilled adult INTP, and someone recommended "Mindset" and "Your Own Worst Enemy." I read both books and they have not just been apt; they've been life-changing.
Agreed on quitting the drugs. Escaping from the root cause of your malaise will only make it worse and continue to damage your self-esteem.
Practice standing up for yourself, setting personal boundaries, and telling others exactly how you really feel, if you don't already. Let other people have their own reactions to it. Depression and anxiety often coincide with codependency. Everyone I know who was codependent had generalized anxiety, and once they started asserting themselves it went away. The more you do it the easier it gets.
Strategically remove people from your life who do not make you a better person when you spend time with them. You become more like the people you choose to surround yourself with whether you want to or not.
Also, don't get overwhelmed by the choice of "what to do with your life." Any decision you make is not final, just the step before the next step. It's okay not to know. Take a look at how you prefer to spend your free time for clues about what you're really passionate about. You can either monetize these activities or identify aspects of them that you love, and figure out careers that share those aspects.
Best o' luck!
Sounds like you two have the growth mindset.
I know exactly where you are coming from man. I follow the same exact line of thinking, but I get laid plenty.
I see the logic: If you have nothing to say, it feels fake (disingenuous, insincere) to initiate a conversation with a stranger. If you aren't outgoing, it seems fake (artificial) to act outgoing. You feel like you shouldn't have to (or want to) act disingenuous, insincere, and artificial for the sake of getting laid. There is cognitive dissonance to this; /r/seduction says we have to self-realize and be genuine in order to create quality relationships, but at the same time it encourages us to better ourselves (in our case, be outgoing, have interesting things to say, and seemingly stick our noses in other people's business despite our resignation about it). It is literally impossible for a person to be who they are while simultaneously changing who they are.
...or so it seems.
Here are a few points:
You can utilize that logical side of you to get ahead in your lovelife:
I hope you figure this stuff out. If it's going to happen then your mindset must change just like mine had to change. Get help if you have to. Cheers.
Odd havent seen any mention of the book "Mindset" which is an entire book on just this http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
I agree 100%.
Carol Dweck's Mindset is a fantastic overview.
http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
I'll recommend Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck. Dweck is a well respected research psychologist and the book is based on her own studies into the subject of "mindset," which turns out to be a powerful predictor of success and response to challenges. It changed my own thinking.
Along similar lines, Flow is a bit older, but it's another book by a well-known research psychologist, distilling his conclusions about some of life's most enjoyable, rewarding experiences and how to achieve them.
To me these are two examples of what self-help books should be: they present conclusions that 1) flow from real, serious peer-reviewed psychological research and 2) can actually change how you approach your everyday life.
You should read that researcher's book Mindset. It's a game changer.
Looks like someone needs to read Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
The research seems to support the idea that being successful in something is less about being naturally gifted.