That is pretty difficult. I’ve struggled with it some myself. Hopefully he’s pretty good with the kids. I’m very cautious with my stepson to not overshadow his dad.
There is a book called, Mom's House, Dad's House: Making two homes for your child it was very helpful for setting some ground rules. I bought myself a copy and sent the kids mom a copy. Just be the best dad possible when/where it counts and work on bettering yourself. Always keep in the back of your mind. Being a parent is playing the long game.
Sometimes you are ahead and sometimes you are behind. The race is long and in the end it’s really just with yourself.
This is the crux of being divorced. As long as your kids aren’t in danger or being abused she has every right to do what she pleases (just like you) and it’s none of your business.
If you feel strongly about it seek legal advice otherwise it behooves you long term to find a middle ground where you two can communicate and coparent effectively.
A book that may be helpful is, Mom's House, Dad's House: Making two homes for your child
I’d email her asking her to stop in as nice of way possible. Explain the long term effects and your concerns it’s have on your kids. Best case it works after some back and forth. Worst case it doesn’t and hopefully she responds. Then you can document.
Also setting ground rules for planning items during your time is imperative. That’s one of the trade-off of getting divorced over staying married. You loose some control over some matters in your life.
There is a book called, Mom's House, Dad's House: Making two homes for your child it sounds like it would be helpful in this situation.
Get it and read it and maybe buy your ex a copy. I did and it was very helpful to some extent. Best of luck!
There are a lot of great books out there that can help with this kind of stuff. Here's a good one to start with:
https://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Making-homes/dp/0684830787/
>I do not give permission for this to be shared.
Actually, you do. See section 4 of Reddit's User Agreement.
>I’m just going through weird conflicting and mourning feelings. Is that normal?
Yes. Mom's House, Dad's House talks about this (ch. 20). Waves of emotion can be expected in response to news and events related to your ex. Them getting remarried is one of the bigger, more obvious examples.
> he has the right to do so
It's not that simple.
IANAL, but this article [pdf] gives some guidance to child care providers on how disputed authorizations work, and so may provide some insight.
My brief scanning of that says that it boils down to "who has physical custody?" If the two of you haven't settled this yet, then I would suggest 1) talk to your lawyer and 2) talk to the appropriate person at the school to see what they say and 3) if necessary, give them a letter detailing your concerns and disagreement with the your husbands authorizations.
One important and difficult takeaway here is this: If you're sharing custody, your ex will have physical custody some %'age of the time, meaning he actually may have the right to do this sort of thing at times. You're gonna have to come to terms with that.
Coparenting is hard. If you and your STBX can work this sort of thing out among yourselves rather than relying on courts/schools/police to do it for you it'll be much better for your kids. I know it may be a long-shot, but maybe hand your STBX a copy of "Mom's House, Dad's House" and ask him to read it. (And you read it too.)
I found this book helpful!
https://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Making-homes/dp/0684830787
> in my house our kids ...
This is, for better or worse, a phrase you will be learning for the foreseeable future.
Your house, your rules, their house, their rules.
I'd suggest avoiding asking your kids about the co-parent's household. If the kids offer details, unless it's something that is immediate and unquestionably serious, or you should brave the fires of contention with the co-parent, then offer a bland and positive "okay, well that seems nice" comment, and continue on to other things.
There's a book called Mom's House, Dad's House by Isolina Ricci that may help for you.
There's a children's book that I'm not familiar with called Two Homes. There are other similar children's books.
If your children say "well, in co-parent's house, we do THIS... and I want to do THAT here" and you have differing opinions, then your response is "well, those are the rules with co-parent, the rules here are my rules, and here we do..."