Not to add more complexity but if you are looking for other options besides just straight out and out divorce, and I'm not saying you should be, just if you are. Then I recommend this book.
https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory-ebook/dp/B01DQ20WZQ
Since picking up folks at bars is successful for you, you could try extending that to meeting people that you think would be compatible with both of you, and asking if they’d be interested in meeting your other partner and possibly trying a threesome.
If you’re also looking for ongoing relationship, you might find More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert helpful to you as well.
I recommend https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory-ebook/dp/B01DQ20WZQ/ to you.
I think it's important to realize that your worst fears might come to pass. Which is actually a source of security, not insecurity.
There's a chance that your relationship with her might change, even if she doesn't think it will.
The question is, do you lock her down to avoid that chance, or do you accept the possibility?
You can improve your skills if you'd like to. You could perhaps, if this would work for her, invite her to tell you about what she's doing with the other partner, what she likes and doesn't like. You could ask her, when and if she might be ready to try this, to practice with you what she's learned so that you can learn how to be the kind of DD that she likes.
However, if your desire to improve skills is coming from a place of insecurity, of not wanting to "lose" her to someone "better" than you in some way, that's probably not going to work... you could study hard and become a super duper DD and yet still "lose" a partner to someone else for some other attribute.
Your security comes not from controlling things that you can't actually control, but recognizing that you'll be OK. You want and hope this relationship will last, and you're willing to put in the effort and do your part to make it last, yet if it doesn't last you'll be alright. Someone else will come to you, who is a good match for you and who you are as a person and the skills you have.
My husband had PPD. Like yours, he rallyed long enough to get me through the worst of mine before he spiraled.
I ended up asking my husband what he needed from me, communication-wise. Because yes, it did feel like we were essentially talking past each other, and that's an absolutely horrible feeling.
For my husband, short and direct statements work best. "I'm going to my mom's to drop off x, y, and z. I'm taking the baby. We'll likely be there 45 minutes. I'll text you when we get there, and check in at the 30 minute mark to let you know if anything changed."
This is going to be an odd recommendation, but my favorite book on communication is More Than Two: A Practical Guide To Ethical Polyamory. Polyamory relies on excellent communication, so this book has a lot of tips. You can also search the communication tag on his blog here to get some of the information for free.
> I do not want to leave my wife but is there anything I can do to maybe make my perspective more clear?
Well, first off you have not really made your perspective very clear to us. What is it that interests you about polyamory? Lots of people get a lot of different things out of it. Even among the polyamory community there is vast differences between the way that people go about being polyamorous.
Then there is other types of non-monogamy. Is poly even right for you or would you be happier with some other sort of non-monogamy like swinging or hall-pass situations, or even just the occasional sex-adventure with your wife?
Based solely on your ages and time together it seems likely both of you never really explored your sexuality much before settling in to a monogamous relationship together. Could it be that you are experiencing some sort of identity crisis where you are wondering about what you are missing out on in life by having committed to one person so young?
Here is a link to some of the books already mentioned in this thread. I would also highly recommend that you both read together and talk about them. Make it a activity you do together. Set a time frame for you to each read a chapter and then talk about that chapter.
I would recommend you both read (pretty much in this order)
I would recommend that you start by reading up on this before you make any decisions. There are a couple of books that are generally considered to be good handbooks for polyamory. The first book I would recommend you read is More Than Two and then if you still want to learn more Opening Up, then The Ethical Slut for some better understanding of the ethics and philosophy of non-monogamy. You should both read The Usual Error and Nonviolent Communication to improve your communication techniques.
You should ask your boyfriend if he has a copy of any of these books, if he is serious about poly he should have at least one of these.
I disagree with The Ethical Slut as a great book about poly, is more about Sexual Openness and queer relationships than Polyamory, about those subjects it is a great book though.
To read about polyamory I would suggest these books:
More Than Two
Wide Open: My Adventures in Polyamory, Open Marriage, and Loving on My Own Terms
Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up
Polyamory in the 21st Century
Opening Up
Edit to add a few more:
The Game Changer: A Memoir of Disruptive Love
Stories From the Polycule: Real Life in Polyamorous Families
I have some hope that she would accept an open relationship. Maybe before you bring it up to her, you could read some books on the topic, like, More Than Two or Opening Up. I'm pretty sure both of those have chapters on open relationships when one partner is much lower libido than the other (or asexual).
I really hope you can make the changes in your relationship you need to have some happiness (and good sex).
I recommend https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory-ebook/dp/B01DQ20WZQ/ to you.
I suggest taking a look at https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory-ebook/dp/B01DQ20WZQ/
Even if going in a poly direction isn't for you, it'll help you understand the dynamics of your situation.
I recommend https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory-ebook/dp/B01DQ20WZQ/ to you.
Sure, and listen: there's always room for more love in your life. I'd definitely say that he sounds fun and there's no need to toss him. I'm in two loving relationships and each gives me something I need. Polyamory is amazing. You should read the book more than two I think you'd really benefit from it.