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Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters?
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I'm reading this great book Mothers who can't love by Susan Forward, I'm only a few chapters in but it has been very enlightening. Even though I know my mother is an N, and I've been NC for a few years now, it's just so helpful to fill in the other little gaps. Like what others who have moms like this feel, that the patterns I experienced throughout my life are typical.
This is one of those details. According to Forward, unlying, this N behaviour is a sense of profound emptiness they don't know how to meet their own needs. A lot of Nrents use their children to fulfill their needs which is why there are many ACONs who believe they had good parents until puberty, because their kids couldn't fulfill their needs anymore they naturally started to develop their own. The same thing is happening as Ns age they start to lose the tools used to hide their N-ness like looks or attraction or their careers.
Go one step at a time and be kind to yourself. It is a journey and it takes time, but it is worth it when you get there. Just make sure you have a friend to hold if you feel like bleeding sometimes. Breaking your inherited toxic habits are hard, but not impossible. A book that helped me was mothers who can't love. It helped me understand my feelings better, why I was constantly furious and anxious, why I behaved in the certain ways I did, and showed several ways how I could deal with them.
I wish you the best on your journey. 💖
Having a recording is really important, congratulations! I secretly recorded my boundary setting conversation with my mom. I don’t know if the fact that I’m LC makes it easier or harder but it’s a “tea party” relationship; holidays, birthdays etc. My SO keeps me in line whenever my mom tries to get too close or tries to push boundaries. To the extent that I was doing the “...well I guess” routine at a family function and he jumped in and said emphatically, “No.” The important part is that he is on my side not my mothers. My younger sister, despite being a really close friend is not impartial and I have to live with the fact that she thinks I’m heartless and paranoid. It’s not her fault, she was raised in the same fucked up environment. My best advice would be to tell someone close to you what’s going on so they can reenforce your resolve. (I reviewed my audio recording with my SO) Abuse happens in the shadows and it can be embarrassing to admit to someone that you are a survivor. It’s totally normal to forget how bad it was as time passes but having someone to talk things over with who will remind you of the bad times when you get too sentimental.
You’re on your journey of healing. Continue working on yourself, read books, get a therapist, look out for #1. I like, Mother’s who can’t love: a healing guide for daughters. (Though I’m kind of assuming your gender here 😳)
Have you heard of the term "Emotional Incest"? What you're describing is the very definition.
I had a similar relationship with my mother, and if you're into reading, this book really helped give me perspective (don't let the title deter you):
Hey, I have a book recommendation for you if you're into that sort of thing: Mothers who can't love by Susan Forward. I came from a kind of similar circumstance in that I was desperately wanted by my mother, she was 20 when I was born so real rush job there. It never made any sense to me that she acted like a great mom for my early childhood, (mostly, looking back not as much), but then started acting abusively as I got older. But Forward suggests in this book that parents like these have children to fulfil their own needs, in other words, children are an attempt to address their own childhood wounds. It works too until the child starts going through the individuation process and has their own thoughts, feelings and needs. This book really helped me understand my nmom and ndad as wounded people, it solidified NC but also brought me a sort of peace. Hope it does the same for you.
It's only $10 on amazon! Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters https://www.amazon.com/dp/006220436X/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_NJET913S00CG34QP9TDW?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
I'm not sure why this can't be a good book for guys as well. I think mothers should protect their sons just as well
Just popping in to share a resource. Your mom sounds a lot like mine (I got married a year ago and held the reigns tight in planning my wedding so she wouldn’t take over and do something just like this. It was effective but exhausting.). Anyway, the book Mothers Who Can’t Love has been really helpful for my sisters and me in dealing with our mom. The title sounds a little melodramatic, but it’s amazing, and I’d recommend it to anyone who could imagine their mom doing something like this. https://www.amazon.com/dp/006220436X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_8FxoFb8WQ0G77
Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters https://www.amazon.ca/dp/006220436X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_KGSnFbWH8P2JQ 🖤🖤🖤🖤
I relate. Many moments of raising my children triggers me, like spilt milk. Very ordinary things I might add. I found books really helpful, like "Mothers Who Can't Love". https://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X This and other recommended books are super helpful navigating parenting while also dealing with my own inner trauma.
What's struck me heavily about this "Usually I can tell that my mother is upset with me when I realize I haven't heard from her in about 3 days. I'm just living my life, then realize I haven't received any outreach and I'm like "fuck, she's mad at me again"." and generally is that your mom has you trained to ferret out her displeasure and react whether it's by calling her, discussing, etc, and then you feel bad and I think she honestly likes that emotional jerking of you, whether it's your bubble getting burst, receiving scoffs, or crying because the silent treatment.
- https://smile.amazon.com/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=pd_lpo_14_t_0/137-3233705-3120650?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=006220436X&pd_rd_r=0b0362d1-1392-4b40-a715-8c248acbf2d9&pd_rd_w=Fmm2j&pd_rd_wg=u0tAm&pf_rd_p=16b28406-aa34-451d-8a2e-b3930ada000c&pf_rd_r=KZ6YM1R6HFCFJTSH0MMX&psc=1&refRID=KZ6YM1R6HFCFJTSH0MMX
- stop expecting her to be a mom. don't react or expect anything. it's like you telling a complete stranger on the street, no need to show her rings, or whatever. greyrock her. draw the boundaries everyone else told you to draw. enjoy your life. she will never be happy, never stop taking it out on you even if you become the best, most easily controlled emotional mop in the universe. you will be dealing with this behavior until you are 60 and she dies because she is not going to change until you train her with boundaries (assuming she's trainable) or bounce.
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