>And that’s my biggest regret. I continued this relationship knowing it was hurting me but every moment I spent with him all of my loneliness and heartache would disappear and I was in another world , he would tell me he loved me and I truly believed he did .
This resonates big time. I met my primary MM when I was 20, though I was well into a spell of casual sex by then and had ZERO feelings toward him. 9.5 years later I realized we both caught FeFes, and then he finally got caught to make it all worse. So of course he started clinging to me and suggesting he'd leave his wife when I never even asked him to and would have been repulsed by the idea until a few months ago. And still, there were too many red flags. It just didn't sit right. I knew I had to GTFO, but I didn't know how the hell is get the courage to.
At the end of the day, you won't let go until you're ready. Trying to force it will get you nowhere but will leave you looking foolish.
I highly, HIGHLY recommend the bookMr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl: The Definitive Guide to Understanding Emotionally Unavailable Men and the Women that Love Them
I can't even begin to tell you how many self help books I read trying to find something, anything, that would hit like a 357 Magnum and leave me mentally with no choice but to get out. This book was the only one that truly sent me over the edge. When I finished it, I knew I was DONE. I went no contact the following week.
Someone recommended this book to me, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Read the bit that you can in the Amazon "look inside this book" feature. It may explain some things.
https://www.amazon.com/Unavailable-Fallback-Girl-Understanding-Emotionally-ebook/dp/B005WJGPZI
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Read this book!! It will help you start your journey of self-acceptance. That sounds so cheesy, but for real, figuring out that you're 10x more important than any man is liberating. https://www.amazon.com/Unavailable-Fallback-Girl-Understanding-Emotionally-ebook/dp/B005WJGPZI
I told you I would get back to you on how to develop a healthy perspective on relationships and women. I finally had an epiphany. If you want to change your inside you need to develop a new perspective. The more I read your posts the more I get an understanding of where you are coming from and where you are at. I just kind of had an epiphany. This book: https://www.amazon.ca/Unavailable-Fallback-Girl-Understanding-Emotionally-ebook/dp/B005WJGPZI might be exactly what you need and speak specifically to you for this situation. It can be found on kat.cr. Let me know what you think.
All the best, gnomeslime
edit: ps. I thought you lived in a hostel ;)
"It's been a few days since I last saw the person I really like and he hasn't spoken to me much or talked about arranging to see each other again." <--- move on. If you have to do all the work, he's not that into you.
If a couple both like each other a lot, it's irrelevant who initiates. If he doesn't like you, having you initiate will not help or hurt, because he doesn't like you...
However, if you want to find out if he likes you, you need to stop initiating. Guys are used to making the first move, and you've clearly indicated interest, so this should be no problem for him.
The reason you're led on is because you are choosing guys who are not that interested in you, and you're doing all the work. The reason they treat you badly is because you let them. You need to stop seeing them the moment they do something bad (at least in the beginnings of a relationship).
Please read this book (or skim relevant sections), I think it will help you a lot (she has a blog too): http://www.amazon.com/Unavailable-Fallback-Girl-Understanding-Emotionally-ebook/dp/B005WJGPZI